[sticky entry] Sticky: My Journal

Oct. 25th, 2037 01:29 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)

This journal used to be called The Theory of Everything. It was imported from livejournal because livejournal started getting on my nerves.

Within lies several years of navel-gazing goodness.

Artwork is a painting by Magritte. The acronym ADOAS stands for American descendant(s) of African slaves.

The following is my guide to productive debate and other intellectual discourse:

Extend your mercy... )
Actually, don't even bother. Many, many people can't grasp or construct a logical argument to save their lives, and they operate on pure emotion anyhow. Seek instead to eliminate their power over you and yours, then their ill-formed opinions won't even matter.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My rep at the housing authority first said that the (prohibitively expensive to operate) space heaters the landlord gave me were considered similar to the wall unit (and so the landlord isn't obliged to fix/replace the broken wall unit).

Today she comes back and says that they're actually not similar, she's spoken to the landlord, and he says he'll do something about the busted heater. Whew! Ok, he said that before.

A mobile dental unit comes to town every week. I went there this morning and got a check-up. No cavities this time, yay! Tooth discoloration is only slight. The dentist confirmed that my gums are slightly receding, so I have to ease up on the way I brush (I already use soft brushes).

Then he told me that my bite is messed up: there's no space between my uppers and lowers when I bite down and a slight overbite is apparently normal. He suggested braces. LOL! Obamacare doesn't cover that and there's no way I'll ever come up with the money.

This place is weird: I swear spring was hotter than summer, and it's already getting cool with another month of summer left. The last month of summer is usually the hottest.

I've got two personal blogs now so I'm losing track of what psychology stuff I'm posting in each. A few days ago, I finished reading Our Inner Conflicts: A Constructive Theory of Neurosis. Though recognizing all the traits in myself has taken a few days, this book  has been hugely helpful. Never have I read any psych theory with which I can identify so well.

Now that I know my problem is conflicting drives (I kinda knew that before but didn't see it clearly), I just have to figure out how to resolve the conflict. I can neither isolate myself (cuz that's dissatisfying and will make me a nutcase) nor plunge blindly into socializing (due to hypersensitivity and the basic fact that not everyone or every situation will suit me); I have to find some sort of balance between the two. Before I resolve the conflict, I must first do something about the hypersensitivity. And that's gonna be a tough nut to crack.

Horney says that hypersensitivity is a symptom of hopelessness, and this I can relate to very well. Not being completely bereft of hope, but hopeless about things pertaining to the conflict—social life. Thinking of the hypersensitivity in terms of emptiness, however, seems more useful to me (and emptiness is a concept that is explored in the schizoid literature, so I might finally get some use out of that work). When people have a solid base of social support, small social upsets don't ruin their day and plunge them into rumination. I've never had such support, however, so I'm empty in that sense. Getting rid of the hypersensitivity will therefore be a challenge. What will I fill myself up with?

Shit, it's midnight already.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Pulling my hair out over my lack of housing options and my life in general being on hold. I can't meet my OkC match, there's nothing to do in this town, and I'm still working back up to exercising. My first course doesn't start for another month. At least I found out that transferring to Santa Cruz county probably won't be as difficult as I thought it'd be.

I've been worried that I'll forget proper lifting form, so today I did half of my weightlifting warm-up to help me retain muscle memory. DAMN it felt good. As usual, I need to observe how I feel tomorrow and the next day to decide whether this is sustainable. I expect to feel fine. I know I'm getting better because I hardly slept at all last night, yet I felt fine today. :) I went outside just before my evening walk and suddenly felt like running.

This pause in my fitness routine has a bright side: I'm no longer so attached to lifting. I was like so addicted to it that I couldn't stop despite the fact that my body composition was not going in the right direction. I wanted (and want) to slim down, and, as a mesomorph, I need to focus on endurance cardio more than heavy lifting. That's another reason why I need to get the hell away from this town: so I can resume cycling. I haven't figured out how much lifting I'll do.

Those menstrual cramps got worse :( I couldn't sleep last night. 

I'm soooooo damned booorrrrrred at times.
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
Hmm, my match can't meet on weekdays until after 7 PM, and I have no way back home that late except by taxi (for which I do not want to pay even thought it'd only cost me $20). The part of me that's ready to throw in the towel grew after I read this last message. As I was waiting to fall asleep last night, the fact that I'm not physically attracted to her crept up on me. It's something I'd hardly thought about at all. She's a vegan, she's a lesbian, she's non-gender-conforming, and she's not an NT. I was focused on all those too-good-to-be-true qualities to the exclusion of pretty much anything else.

She's not at all ugly; she's just not a butch lesbian. Or, at least, she doesn't seem like one. And that's really the only type of person to whom I've ever been strongly attracted. I think a small part of me was relieved that she isn't a butch lesbian because anything involving butch lesbians is almost too stimulating to bear.

After astramance, I told myself that I would never again position myself to break anyone's heart by trying to date someone who was not a butch lesbian. I was so certain that no one else would work for me. I was not (and am not) intellectually certain, I was intuitively certain. Intellectually, I thought (and sometimes still think) I can be strongly attracted to other lesbians. Maybe I don't think it so much as I sort of almost want it to be true.

But my intuition (or some other slightly sub-conscious part of me that is somewhat independent of and side-eyeing my intellect) is fairly certain that I will only ever be strongly attracted to butch lesbians. That's because my intuition is observing my non-intellectual reactions to females, noting a marked and consistent difference in favor of the former.

Why am I talking about myself as if I'm split in two.

It's not just attraction. It's comfort. It would be soooooo indescribably weird to be involved with someone and have her coming over to my place and leaving things about like purses and pink crap and panties. *grimace* Or deal with the fake, cutesy mannerisms of femininity. Like that come-hither tilt of the head? PUKE I hate that shit so much.

Anyways, that stuff has nothing to do with my match (I think). I'm rambling.

I also think that a small part of me was eager to go on a date just to see if I could act normal on a date. A self-test. Application of some of the psych theory in which I've immersed myself of late. And to initiate a relationship in the hopes that it would help me act and feel more "normal." Selfish reasons.

I'm not even sure she really wants to go out with me. Her agreement was far from enthusiastic: "Sure, I'll go out." I mean who says, "I'll go out"? People might say "I'll go out with you," but not just, "I'll go out." Not a big deal, it just seemed weird. Who knows with these autistic people lol.

Today I received my copy of and started reading A Field Guide to Earthlings: An Autistic/Asperger View of Neurotypical Behavior. I needed to add something to my Amazon order to get free shipping, and this was on my wish list and cost about as much as I needed to add.

This book is really something: very original. Significantly more difficult to understand than I'd anticipated. The author uses many extended metaphors to illustrate concepts. There's a little mock play that continues throughout the whole book, and the author uses the characters' behavior to explain NTs.

The first chapter is about the way NTs perceive things, and the first concept is sensory Desensitization. Yep, that sounds about right, what with all that racket NTs seem to love or not notice. Of course by "racket" I'm including such "quiet" things as having the TV on in the background. Racket according to improperlyhuman. The ability to have a conversation with background noise, stuff like that is what Desensitization is about.

The second chapter (I'm in the middle of it) is about patterns of belief. This chapter makes NTs look bad. Particularly the part about NTs regarding "highly arbitrary and temporal social 'reality'" as if it were as real as physical reality. Basically over-valuing socially constructed bullshit.

I really have to read this book rather like it was a textbook, so densely packed with info it is.

I was expecting my period to get worse and worse now that I'm not exercising, but it's been rather tame these last couple months. I'm not finding it easy to get back into an exercise routine because it isn't in the back of my mind anymore.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
She said yes! That was the easy part. I just spent something like an hour poring over bus and train schedules, trying to figure out when and where we could meet up that wouldn't leave me stranded for the night. I found two places near vegan restaurants, and I'll only have to take two buses to get to each. Now the issues are:

1. can she meet up on a weekday afternoon, and
2. paying attention to the time so I don't miss the bus back home

So shitty being worried about time on a goddamned date. Actually I can just set the alarm on my cell phone. Who the

Not really excited anymore, just exhausted and concerned about late buses and stuff. Trying to coordinate different forms of public transportation really taxes my executive functioning. Part of me just wants to cancel the whole thing. I know I will feel like crap after being out all day and I won't be able to go on many subsequent dates until I move away from here. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We may not have any subsequent dates.

I took a thirty-three minute walk this evening. According to MapQuest, that's about how much time it will take to get from the train to the vegan pizza. So if I feel like crap tomorrow, I'll know what to look forward to.

I'm slowly losing weight, slowly losing my gains. My thighs used to be rock hard; now they're kinda jiggly. One of the benefits of being a mesomorph is that I'd retain a decent amount of muscle mass even if I lost weight with no toning exercise.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I asked her out twice. She finally responded to me yesterday but did not answer, so I asked her more directly. The logistics many not even work out. I have no affordable way out of town on weekends and she just got a new full-time job. Still, I hope she says yes because I likely won't find another person like her. We've only exchanged a few messages, yet the mere thought of going through this with another person makes me tired.

On craigslist I found a couple of nice cottages for rent out in the country, but my housing coordinator doesn't work on Fridays. I left a voicemail asking her to call for me. Someone with a car, more money, and no aversion to phone calls may have beat me to these places by Monday. Oh, one ad did include an email address, so I emailed the contact person. I hate having to ask people whether they will accept Section 8.

I have been indulging my desire for psychology books. Right now I'm reading Our Inner Conflicts by Karen Horney, M.D. (what the hell is a medical doctor doing practicing psychoanalysis?)  It is about "neuroses," and three early chapters describe the three components—moving towards people, moving against people, and moving away from people. Guess which one describes our heroine. Moving away from people is amazingly similar to Enneagram type 5 dynamics.

Of course, my mental life is not messed up enough to qualify as a "neurosis." The neurotic is supposedly willfully blind to the mechanics of her neurosis and will fight tooth and nail to remain so, all for the purpose of maintaining her way of life and avoiding being split in two by her conflicting drives. This awful feeling of social ambivalence I have, I think this must be what the splitting feels like—moving both toward and away from people. I'm reading a lot of these books to figure out what to do about it.

Interesting that typology and psychoanalysis have been more helpful to me than mainstream psychology. Type 5 and Horney's neurotic trend are so spot on, it's almost scary. The INTP personality type is pretty accurate as well. This might be because they describe traits that can exist in a mentally healthy person—a spectrum of functioning—rather than straight up dysfunction.

Today I did laundry in the bathtub and made a trip to the hardware and grocery stores. I was going to start walking again this evening, but I decided I'd better first see whether those chores/errands make me tired tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to bed!

I'm still jerking myself awake with intrusive thoughts. This is what I need to work on next.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I am a copyeditor. I can clearly see that I chose the most appropriate editing specialty: I don't have quite the attention to detail required for proofreading, and substantive editing is exhausting. I know it's exhausting because I end up having to do it with every one of my clients.

The endless awkwardly and ambiguously phrased sentences! My goodness. I find myself sinking so deeply into the morass of bad English that I temporarily forget proper usage. Copyeditors are supposed to focus on details like punctuation and proper usage, not re-writing whole sentences. The cherry on top is the balance between re-writing and maintaining the author's writing style. 

And the cherry on top of that cherry is that I'm being underpaid. My rate is for copyediting; substantive editing commands a higher rate. I don't want to rock the boat by asking my client to increase my rate, however. I need to get into the habit of reviewing documents more closely before I take jobs. That way, I can tell whether substantive editing will be necessary.

So editing this 7,000 word document is taking an inordinate amount of time (normally I'd finish this within two days). I simply don't have the cognitive energy to re-word much IT content each day, and that has nothing to do with my ongoing fatigue problem. Oh well. I'm making hundreds of dollars on this contract, the second most lucrative I've ever had.

I received my new back brush yesterday and used it for the first time today! It's a sturdy, one-piece affair with satisfiably firm bristles. I scrubbed for a long time but the center of my back was still dirty after I got out of the shower. I guess scrubbing away weeks' worth of grime takes time.

I'm frustrated and worried about my lack of housing options. I re-considered moving back to Santa Cruz county, but I doubt I can bear the logistics. The local VA must have room for me in their program, and I'd have to find someone willing to rent to me before I transferred the voucher, without the assistance of the housing coordinator because she doesn't work with that county. So I'd probably have to travel all the way to Santa Cruz county at least once and stay at least one day because it's too far away/public transportation is too disjointed for me to make the last trip back into town.

The small towns in that county are wealthy and snow white and I have zero confidence that I'd manage to convince anyone to rent to me. I don't want to live in the city of Santa Cruz because the crime rate is too high.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My OkC match has stopped responding to me, so I guess that's the end of that. I tried to look for another match (for chat/friendship) but I didn't really have the energy. My results page is just a sea of faces to me.

I don't quite know what to do. Apparently it's best to have some sort of social contact, but no dates are forthcoming and I'm ambivalent, unmotivated, and unlikely to succeed in the friendship department. I just thought of something. People say just go out and pursue interests/hobbies and you'll find friends. I never really made friends that way, just one person I met at a gay and lesbian group in community college. I never found a reason to approach anyone. How do people decide whom to approach?

Anyways, I decided that's a poor strategy for me because shared interests are not very important to me. It's shared politics that are important. So the analog of that advice would be involving myself in politically related activities. Not activism proper; I haven't the energy at this point.

I don't feel comfortable dragging someone into a friendship that I don't particularly want. I imagine the friendship being shallow, more like an acquaintanceship. A shallow relationship doesn't seem like the best thing for someone who has no relationships. But if I don't get a date, I'd have no deep relationship regardless of whether I also got a shallow friendship, so I guess it doesn't matter. Probably I worry too much. Other people are probably used to and ok with a not-very-close friendship.

But I'd have to deal with more shuffling through incompatible people and possible rejection for that acquaintanceship. Hardly seems worth it! Seems like I've spent my entire life around incompatible people. How demoralizing to have to endure more to get to the compatible people (assuming there are some). I was thinking about the strategy of going out and collecting rejections until rejections aren't a big deal any more.

That actually seems like a bad idea for someone who has in some sense experienced nothing but rejection so far. It would just create more unpleasant and demotivating memories that would disincline the person to keep trying. I guess in my case it's not the rejection itself that's the problem, it's the lack of expectation of success.

I guess I'm gonna try anyways, though.

I've noticed that I talk out loud and make random physical gestures when I'm more or less relaxed. Definitely the kind of person people want to be friends with. The talking is sometimes related to my being caught up in frustrating thoughts, but the gestures seem to be happy movements.

My health seems to have worsened. I'm tired all day again, albeit not as tired as I was before I stopped exercising. A bit of brain fog has returned as well. The doctor told me to call him if I wasn't able to start walking without fatigue, and it looks like that's what I'll end up doing. I'm on the verge of trying the sleeping pills he suggested. I don't even know if insufficient or unrestful sleep is the problem. I sleep around 6 or 7 hours per night. He said that's sufficient and didn't account for my fatigue.

My life so shitty. What if my chronic fatigue is a manifestation of a psychological problem? There's no way to know except to change my psychological circumstances.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I've been seeking information about possible pitfalls of dating as someone with a dysfunctional background/no primary relationship/limited bonding experience. I don't want to unconsciously do something self-destructive and sabotage my future relationships.

I got my copy Disorders of Personality: DSM IV and Beyond yesterday. Today I read through the schizoid and avoidant sections, and just a bit of the schizotypal sections. I couldn't relate to much of it at all.

Yesterday I read through Survival Games Personalities Play, and I couldn't much relate to that either.

Today I researched attachment styles. I thought that exploring my complete lack of paternal attachment and disrupted maternal attachment (e.g., my mom abandoned me for a year when I was 5) might be helpful. Of the pathological attachment styles, dismissive-avoidant describes me best, but I'm so far away from the problematic thoughts and behavior described that I couldn't make any use of what I read. It's not helpful to describe myself with any of the attachment styles, not even the healthy one.

It seems I still haven't recovered from my grocery shopping trip two days ago.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I spent the whole day procrastinating instead of working. I didn't want to look at the Word document because I felt I couldn't bear to see any comments from my client that could even remotely be interpreted as critical. I sat in front of the computer screen and put my hands over my eyes. I picked up the keyboard and put it back down again multiple times. I unfocused my eyes so that the comments were blurry then scanned the document, as if I could pre-detect critical comments and thereby avoid reading them.

Once I finally got down to work, I found that I only had twelve minutes worth of work to do. The client had not even addressed most of my comments. I'm glad I got it done. Going to bed without having taken care of that responsibility would have felt bad.

I keep posting on this typology forum despite the anxiety it gives me. People thank my comments and that sometimes makes me more anxious. So I can't use this as exposure therapy. My anxiety management plan is basically "do it anyways." That gets things done, but it doesn't get rid of the anxiety.

While sitting and staring at a notification about a response to one of my comments, trying to calm my fears that the respondent was angry with me, I typed up an anxiety mantra for myself. I said it out loud before I clicked on the comment, but of course it didn't work, lol. But I read it anyways and it was ok. But it almost seems that no number of positive experiences can drown out this anxiety, like it's no longer in my head and has migrated such that the entirety of it is in my body. That's where I feel it. My thoughts are clear and don't race, but this makes no difference: the tightness in my chest is still there.

I walked for an hour and a half yesterday, and I was a little tired today. I didn't take the doctor's advice about going easy on the walking. Now I will. I wonder what's wrong with me...

Tomorrow is grocery day. I didn't finish my shopping list. It's nice to have some leeway in the food I buy rather than having to plan every cent for a bodybuilding diet.

I messed around online until my wrist hurt.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
The rheumatologist told me that my Vitamin D level was normal, but that he wants me to continue taking the elevated dose, particularly if I am to try to start exercising again. He said that the combination of exercise and low Vitamin D is particularly apt to cause fatigue, and suggested that I start off slowly adding exercise, walking first.

My insurance won't cover a sleep study.

He also tried pushing that depression crap on me again. I'm confident that feeling significantly better after stopping exercise is not consistent with depression. I told him that I always feel bad when I have to travel far, and he tried to pin that on depression. Situational fatigue and migraines do not really suggest depression!

I was frustrated. I'm tired of doctors trying to diagnose my physical problems as mental illnesses. I "look depressed" because I'm freakin sick! I heard one of his bones crack and the sound gave me a tremor. He was looking dead at me when it happened but didn't see fit to remark on it. What the hell is up with that? I guess my tremors are also caused by a mental illness.

I took a cab back home so yay! didn't have to listen to that guy chatter for an hour on the way back into town. I told the cab driver to disregard his GPS directions and we ended up sitting in traffic for a while. I felt kinda bad about that. The GPS said to make a turn that would have been a large deviation, and I didn't know that these devices had real-time data on traffic conditions.

After my appointment today, I decided that going hiking is not a good idea given my medical condition. I hope my new OkC person and I can do something else.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I hope. For how long, I don't know. I called a shelter in the town I had my campsites in when I was homeless. They had space in the emergency family shelter, so I 
gave them my sister's name and let her know to show up. I don't know how it turned out and I'm afraid to text her and ask. 

She called me today and told me she couldn't open a checking account because she had no money and couldn't get a payday advance loan because she had no checking account! And a few other details that further solidified my impression that she's totally failing at homelessness. I was so frustrated, I could hardly concentrate on my work. I was doing a trial editing job for a new potential client. I still can't figure out how someone with so much income got so behind on a mere $75 monthly storage payment, and why she would then decide to pay it all off at once, leaving herself no gas money!

So I don't want to find out what happened because I don't want to return to that state of worry just before bedtime. She may have gone to bed already anyhow.

Ooooh! I finally got my housing coordinator's info and called her about the apartment I found on craigslist. Sooooo excited. She called the contact person for me but had to leave a message; however, she has contacts and said she would ask around the town to see if she could get any more information about the place and possibly drive by and take a look at it! Awesome. I used to think I wasted my time in the military, but it's turned out to be pretty much the most valuable thing I ever did. Vets get a lot of great services.

OMG. That person I've been talking to on OkC has sent me another message. I'm scared to read it. Procrastination with respect to anything that may cause an emotional reaction, that's me. That's Enneagram type 5. I just have to force myself to do things. Once I do, I sometimes wish I hadn't waited so long (especially when it comes to work).

Whew. Everything was fine. I'm super excited about meeting her. We've been talking about going hiking. Now that I'll have some transportation money, the main problem is my ability to physically handle hours on public transportation.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't want to go. I waited until the last minute and then didn't cancel because I kept thinking that maybe the doctor would be able to do something for me. Like that sleep study. Then at least my sleeping problems would be documented. But I kinda feel that I'm just clutching at straws. I know I'll have to fix this myself, and really, what good will documented insomnia do me? I don't expect the sleep study center to find that I have any other problem.

I went walking for about one and a quarter hours this evening. Surely I can do something as easy as walking without feeling exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

So I guess I'll need information on intrusive thoughts and maybe CBT or something for my insomnia.

I have like no appetite lately.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My mom, sister, and nephew just left. They're still homeless. They drove quite a ways. three or so towns, just to get a shower, and my mom didn't get a full one because it's late and she has to drive my sister to work tomorrow.

I once again suggested that my sister get a gym membership. She said that she can't get one because she doesn't have a checking account. She said she got tired of her checking account because it got hacked and the bank lost her money. Multiple times. Wth? So she accesses her money through a prepaid debit card, which the gym won't accept.

She also said the local homeless shelter stopped allowing daily walk-in showers. And that the shelter is moving towards serving men more. They're not allowing families anymore! What the hell is that? Why prioritize grown ass men over children?!

I just had an idea and texted her: Keep only a small amount of money in a checking account.

I'm angry about the homeless shelter situation in this country. Children, females, the disabled, and the elderly should get first dibs, and womyn should not be thrown out in the street for complaining about the men who are now being allowed in womyn's shelters. I hate people so damned much.

I only worked about three hours today, yet I have a headache from staring at the computer screen.

Seems like my sleep aids aren't working anymore. Until recently, I couldn't have said why I've been having trouble sleeping. Now, however, I clearly notice myself jerking awake as a worrisome thought crosses my mind. I still have a terrible unconscious habit of morbidly reminding myself of various types of suffering and abuse I've heard about.

Speaking of the unconscious, I've pretty much finished reading Quenk's book about inferior function drama. The information confirmed my type (INTP); I could relate to the INTP inferior function experience (extraverted Feeling), but not the INTJ experience (extraverted Sensing).

Previously, I'd thought that my little pR0n overindulgence problem was an Se inferior "grip," but I now think that was an isolated incident with a different explanation. Come to think of it, that time I spent eating myself into obesity in France could be interpreted as an Se grip experience...but meh. The explanation of the problem doesn't matter as much as the solution.

And I think the relationship between Myers-Briggs theory and the unconscious may be able to help me find the solution to my insomnia because I seem to be unconsciously keeping myself awake. Or maybe sub-consciously is the word. Too bad the shitty therapist couldn't help me. Anyways, it is helping with my social problems.

So I've earned nearly $500 in the past three days (which is unheard of for me), and I am so relieved. $700 in the bank is a very real cushion for someone in my position, and I can allow myself modest little indulgences (like a five-dollar book off of ebay) without guilt and worry.

At this moment I am quite tired but don't feel myself able to sleep.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My copy of Language, Truth and Logic arrived today. I read the first two chapters today and it's a great book so far.

The gist so far is that metaphysics is a bunch of nonsense and not properly categorized as philosophy. The author's standard for meaningful statements is that they must either be tautological (like the definitions that make up logic and formal mathematics) or subject to some kind of empirical verification.

Metaphysics includes religion, or the supernatural aspects of it at least. I can't even say how tired I am of bullshit religious discourse masquerading as philosophy. In particular, if people can't define "god" and can't describe god in any way that lends itself to observation, it's pointless to discuss god's existence, and the discussion certainly isn't philosophical.

The fact that I've never come across any meaningful description of god is why I like to stress my ignosticism (rather than merely calling myself an atheist)—I can't actually determine whether something exists if I don't even know what that something is supposed to be like. In other words, the question of god's existence is as meaningless as the question of aaoisenuwfpr's existence.

Sweet, I just got another editing contract.

When I first got these sleeping pills—actually the package says "dietary supplement—I was downing them with water, like actual pills. I didn't notice that they were chewable!

Hmm I suddenly just flashed back to my first night in Paris. I wonder what made me think of that.

I gave Quentin Tarantino another chance, half knowing that I shouldn't have. Fortunately I turned The Hateful Eight off within the first ten minutes, so I didn't see much. Tarantino is a dick who has a thing with casual racism and sensationalized sexual violence. I'm sure the setting of this movie (post-Civil War Wyoming) and his previous movie (a slave plantation) were not coincidences. There aren't a whole lot of scenarios in which contemporary characters would continually say "nigger." I hope Tarantino falls stomach first onto a samurai sword. I just don't give a shit.

There weren't many good movies I hadn't already seen at the library. Way more comedy and drama than action for some reason.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just be...me accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Only a little, however. I will stick to walking for a while.

I left my ex-shrink a voicemail six days ago, and she called me about it today, an hour before our old appointment time. I bet she just today listened to the voicemail, probably just before the appointed time. Every time I showed up, she was fiddling with her smart phone and seemingly not quite ready to start the session.

Today I received an email verifying my enrollment in the editing certificate program. Now I need to figure out how I'll afford books. I should have taken care of this months ago, but I procrastinated because I felt bad asking DOR for yet more financial assistance.

I was reading through a job post today when I thought of another thing I should be doing with clients, and I had another of those Completely Overwhelmed moments I sometimes (too often) have with respect to my career. I ended up looking into QA testing again (on onetonline.org). It seems this would not be a good career choice because I would have to keep up with new coding shit. I've only heard about developers having to keep up with new languages and frameworks, and that was enough to make me feel tired.

I have been trying to figure out how to contact university presses and offer my editorial services. Such a (seemingly) simple task that has gone so long undone. I hardly have anything to recommend me, however, so I don't see myself getting hired.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I cycled on my spinning bike for twenty minutes this morning. I walked for about thirty-eight minutes this evening. Tomorrow I'll have an idea of how much damage I've done, and I'll know for sure the day after that.

I look fatter. I'm back on a diet. Enduring hunger seems easier when I'm not exercising. I don't know why. I've been going to bed without eating and...no night sweats! What's up with that??

It seems that there is no way for me to use a Google account from home totally anonymously. I tried to sign in with Tor browser and my foreign IP address tipped Google off. I was prompted to enter my country; doing so would merely tip Google off the next time I sign in with Tor browser unless I keep reseting the Tor exit node so that it gives me an IP address that corresponds to that country. Relying on library computers is a bit too uncertain for work.

I feel that I will be able to sleep without pills tonight.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I made about $260 dollars yesterday and gave myself a mild headache (or, rather, staring at MS Word did) editing a research proposal for nearly 10 hours. I treated myself to some books to celebrate.

My goddamned Word Add-In left a shitload of highlighted words in the client's document. It looked chaotic. I thought the highlighting was supposed to be visible only while checking the document, not an actual change in formatting. I somehow didn't notice and returned the document to the client, who was confused. I tried to fix the document, but Word kept crashing, then I started to panic because I didn't want to make a poor showing for someone who was paying me so much, but the client said she could fix the colors herself. Whew.

She wouldn't allow me to use her paper in my portfolio, however. I wonder what the hell kind of confidentiality concerns a person could have about a damned social sciences research proposal.

My backbrush has been broken for weeks, and my back is getting filthy. I've been wanting to order a new brush from the same German company that manufactured my scrub brush and toilet bowl brush, but it costs over twenty dollars, twenty-six with shipping and handling. I only had $100 in checking. Thanks to this job, however, I'll be able to afford it. I'm happy.

The research described in the proposal was in part about decreasing racial discrimination against minorities on online freelancer platforms. Surprise! I was like, hey, this group of research subjects sounds familiar...

Then I read that some of the solutions considered involved somehow increasing the hire rate for racial minorities (not just stopping racial discrimination), and I wondered whether the client had hired me because of this.

When I submitted a proposal for this job, the rate tip feature suggested that I bid about $3.14 more than my usual hourly rate. I took a chance and did just that, so I earned my highest ever hourly rate on this job. I was surprised that I got hired (most clients don't even respond to my proposals, and my hourly rate is not low). These events made me wonder all the more whether I was an AA hire.

I don't think AA hiring is bad; it just makes me feel strange to be given opportunities that way.

I've found that the way to sleep restfully through the night is to take two sleeping pills. No fatigue or brain fog whatsoever today, despite my having stayed up until two A.M. working last night. I couldn't have gotten more than seven hours of sleep.

I do feel that my energy balance is still a bit delicate, so I'm taking it easy with chores. I'm hoping to ease back into exercising, starting with walking. I think I'll cancel my doctor's appointment.

One of the books I ordered is about managing "shadow functions," aka inferior functions (in Myers-Briggs terms). As I detailed in a recent post about my feelings about unity amongst people, my Fe seems to be making herself known, and I need to do something about it to manage the unpleasant emotions that are being stirred up.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.
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