Jan. 23rd, 2017

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Was thinking about something that I may want to change about myself when I saw that the change might make me more vulnerable to loneliness or may be impossible to accomplish without a relationship. That made me very worried. I REALLY don't like relying on other people.

I was walking home about a week ago when I saw a womon walking about one block ahead of me across the street. She was dressed in an interesting way, and I was mildly curious and watched her walk for a bit. I could only see her from behind. Then I had a series of not-very-interesting thoughts that I can't remember (the last bit was something about people wanting to interact with others they find interesting), and suddenly the thought that I'm not ready for a relationship hit me. 

I didn't decide it, it just came to me, totally unbidden. It didn't seem related to the person walking or the thoughts I had while watching her, but I suppose it must have been in some way. It felt firm and settled and calm, not upset and intensely ambivalent, like I usually feel when I think about the subject. It was a peaceful thought-event: "You aren't ready for this." No condemnation or worry or anger or frustration or resentment or despair. Though I was surprised at how peaceful it was, I felt no need to dwell on it and continued my day in peace, and have felt mostly at peace since it happened.

This forms the background in relation to which I saw the possible implications of the change I'm considering. No, I don't want to type out what it is, but it is something I've mentioned before.

Where did that tranquility go? I'm know I'm feeling bad when I get that hollow pain in my chest. I had (and have) no idea what to do. I was suddenly moved to ask something about the change I wanted to make, but I've no one to ask. I can't afford online therapy. The one therapist in town never answered my calls.

I need to sleep on it for tonight.

Earlier today, I spilled my guts in an email to my VA social worker. I losing my ability to handle the logistics of apartment-searching. I found a couple of apartments online and scrambled my processor trying to plan out how to get to them, when in the application process to ask the social worker and/or the housing coordinator to help (never again will I pursue an apartment by myself; I'll just get denied).

So I told the social worker that I'm overwhelmed. She probably won't be able to do much and I'll have to pull myself together. But the money to visit these places is one thing that I can't just pull together.

Shit, I need to cut my fingernails.
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