Jan. 29th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
A few years back, when I first started trying to treat my interest in porn by figuring out what I really wanted sexually, I came upon a concept for which I had no name. I knew that it was something that was present when I'd had sex with Thom, but not with anyone else. I put some phrases together, threw them into a search engine, and came up with this article:

http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/sexual-selfishness-necessary-turn/

That's it. Sexual selfishness. That's what I need. (I don't, however, find the term "ruthless" appropriate.)

Thom used to grab me and start grinding until she was satisfied. It was great, one of the things I liked best, very arousing. And it was selfish.

Neatly congruent with my being uncomfortable when people worry about me too much, people being too focused on me during sex is boring and a turn-off; pretty much all my excitement comes from others' excitement.

The problem with porn was that this sort of benign self-centeredness wasn't depicted in anything I ever saw. The closest thing was straight-up abuse. But the abuse wasn't what I really wanted, thank the goddess. I don't know how I'd live with myself otherwise.
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