Apr. 11th, 2017

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I really, really dislike people who can't or won't observe and deal with reality. They are disturbing.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Last night I watched a TED talk about the reason we need single-stall gender-neutral public bathrooms. I hate TED talks with passion. But Ivan Coyote gave the talk and she's sexy as hell so I watched it mainly to see her. And damn, she looked even better than before.

Somewhere around the beginning of the talk, she said that she was a transperson. I was like, you too! Who isn't trans nowadays. But you know what else flies nowadays? Using words to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. So I don't know what she means by "trans." Maybe it isn't the bullshit pomo, misogynistic, reality-denying gender theory crap I fear it is.

In other news, I fixed my squat technique today! I'm so happy. I was leaving out the hip action. It's amazing how well I can squat now. I also figured out that I was hurting my back with deadlifting because I was just lifting too much! Duh. So I had to de-load from 140 to 120. My relief outweighs my disappointment. 1 step back to take 2 steps forward.

In my early twenties, I thought I was attracted to guys for like a week (this was after not really being attracted to anyone ever for my previous twenty years of life). Then I figured out that I was just attracted to their clothes (maybe haircuts too). After I got me some of them clothes, stuff ironed out real fast, and I decided that I was a lesbian around that time.

Now I'm wondering if something like that is happening to me again. I started watching lifting videos on Youtube, and most of the lifting videos (or maybe just the ones I watch) are made by guys. I started really paying attention to buff guys' bodies, even outside the context of the lifting videos.

I was watching this crappy, low-budget sci-fi movie in which this buff guy kept running around without a shirt when I realized how much attention I was paying to his freaking abs and how much I liked the way he looked, and that he wasn't the first.

All my visual inspiration for getting ripped comes from guys' bodies. I don't think I've ever looked at a fit womon and thought that I wanted to look like her. But I clearly remember watching Danial Craig walk up the beach in James Bond and thinking that I wanted thighs like his. I like the unrealistic inspiration, the body I can never have. Some dude a foot taller than me and 75 lbs. heavier, lol. Something about the over-the-topness is more motivating. A couple of them might be on steroids.

But now the thoughts have begun to skeeve me out. They somewhat feel "not me," but the scary part is the thoughts that do feel like me. A new and foreign me. There's probably a pornified overlay on my thoughts that truly is "not me," so I can take consolation in that at least. But I just need to get ripped fast so this shit can stop like it did with the clothes. It's very very disturbing and disorienting. I don't want to lose my lesbian card.

But thinking about those ripped chests, I just realized how bare they were! So these guys are shaving and not presenting themselves realistically in that sense. Whew. Few things less attractive than hairy man bodies. So I'm safe. But it's weird that I only just now noticed. Shaved man bodies have become so commonplace.

I watched this youtube video about this womon who detransitioned. She'd been bisexual before, but she said that testosterone had made her straight! How terrifying is that?! Some changes are just too much.

I'm super bored all the time. I had a nice chat with an anarchist I met, but I didn't have much to say. I guess it will get better with time. So nice to interact with another anarchist :) Just thinking about it gives me that full and solid feeling, just like thinking about interacting with vegans, and, to an extent, interacting with butch lesbian (that one is scarier though, like being on a rollercoaster ride). Other people leave me with a hollow feeling.
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