Apr. 23rd, 2017

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Another day spent on the Internet. I watched Jurassic Park 3 again. Stupider than it seemed the last two times. Tomorrow is the last day of my Netflix subscription.

I did start my low-intensity fat-loss workout today. Walking. I was out for one hour instead of two because my head started to hurt. As usual, I don't know what's going on with me. I've been thirsty as hell for the past week or two, gulping water down like I've never done before.

I need to stop reading news about misogyny around the world. I'm not dealing with it properly. I certainly know enough already. No point in my facilitating my own psychological harm.

I have a habit of reminding myself of disturbing and distressing things. I'm not sure where that came from, maybe a childhood coping tactic. I've come to observe myself telling myself "you have to remember this." I will even stop thinking about something pleasant to think about it. This is a sub-conscious mental act, so, whyever I started doing it, that reason is now lost. I think the reason was something about not making mistakes, knowing that I'm much worse at preventing the mistakes when I'm not actively thinking about them. Only the hollowed out form of that reasoning is left; there's nothing specific to misogynistic abuse.

Or maybe there is. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll "forget" and believe that I'm safe, then walk blithely into a dangerous situation. Consciously, I know that I won't do that. But the unconscious is so afraid that she isn't convinced.
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