May. 13th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (not queer)
I forgot. When I was called back into the doctor's office yesterday, the admitting person asked me if an interpreter were coming. I said, "I speak English," but she was talking about an interpreter for hearing impairment. Somehow she had misinterpreted the auditory processing deficit in my records as a hearing impairment. I said that I could hear fine and she told someone at the front desk to send away whatever interpreter showed up.

Fatigue so bad today that I couldn't lift. I could have forced myself but I feared dropping the weights. Normally I feel better in the evenings but not so much today.

I was at the bus stop (was it yesterday? fatigue has killed my memory) thinking about talking to someone and using a bit of AAVE when it occurred to me that I am no longer so uncomfortable with AAVE. I used to have a small complex about it because my family made a big deal about the way I spoke. Of course this isn't going to have any huge effect on the way I speak because my speaking patterns are quite set at this point.

I went to fill out the enrollment form and found out that the summer session of my certificate course is full. I won't be able to start until fall. That's probably a good thing considering my current state of health.

I have been able to concentrate a bit more this week. I have been doing some light reading, reading about the Enneagram. I prefer to focus on the Enneagram at this point because it's easier for me to understand than Myers Briggs and seems more helpful. I can't really relate to the other INTJs on the forum. Actually I guess I don't much relate to the other type 5s either...

Anyways, I have been learning about the Instinctual Subtypes, and I think mine is Social (so). According to Chestnut, the type 5 so is characterized by relating to people through intellectual values/ideals and disinterest/disengagement with "ordinary" people and aspects of life. Those are the aspects that at least vaguely resemble my personality, anyhow.  

Yes, I'm willing to date a vegan only, and I'd only be willing to date someone who is also a feminist and an anarchist as well if I thought that I stood any chance of finding someone with that holy trinity of values. And I feel that relating to non-vegans, non-anarchists, and non-radical feminists is difficult and undesirable. That seems to be how Type 5 so manifests in me.

Of course that exclusivity creates social difficulties, but I don't think it's wrong, not in the case of my ideals anyway. These aren't just ideas, they're material practices related to the prevention of suffering. Extremely important no matter how one looks at it, and they don't totally prevent social connection.

I'm sure, however, that even the vegans and anarchists and radical feminists who feel the same way generally relate to people better than I do. There are vegans dating non-vegans, and I have trouble imagining how they (the former) can stand it. Maybe it's that emotional connection that keeps on coming up in the books. I'm not sure that I want such a thing if it attaches me to people whose political differences are going to frustrate me. Chestnut also advises Type 5s to remind ourselves of the benefits of emotional connection, even if we don't believe there are any, lol. I'm like, how are we going to remind ourselves then?

I keep looking into this emotional intimacy thing, and I never see anything positive about it. I don't and never have had a problem communicating my emotions when necessary and beneficial. I just don't view sharing emotions as a type of intimacy. It can be a useful act when there is a problem in a relationship (albeit not as efficient as simply telling the other party what one wants her to do), and a pleasant thing to share when one is happy, but that's pretty much all it is to me.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what else it could be. A few times in my life, I've had pleasant experiences sharing things I liked because the other party was also enthusiastic about them. Of course that rarely happened, and isn't likely to happen very often because of the nature of my interests. My most common interests are the ones I'm least passionate about. Now if I find a vegan girlfriend, would sharing veganism constitue emotional intimacy? I don't think so. It's mostly about my own damned feelings of relief and...I dunno, I wanna say safety but that doesn't seem to make sense. I guess safety from exposure to speciesism in an intimate relationship.

Anyways maybe the Instinctual Subtype system isn't terribly useful. I'm just checking it out right now.

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