May. 18th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Once again I spent half the day emotionally paralyzed because of therapy. I could barely talk while I was there, kept breaking up. Something keeps telling me to stop talking, stop going, stop seeking help from others, and I end up fighting it instead of being 100% engaged while I'm there.

The therapist doesn't say much so I made myself talk, however haltingly. On the first or second visit, I mentioned that my dad had criticized me sometimes, and today she said that she wanted to talk about that next time. These damned therapists always want to pin everything on a person's childhood. I am not gonna let that happen to me again. My dad didn't criticize me that often and I didn't really take the criticism to heart, so I don't think it had a terribly strong effect on me, but of course there's no way to communicate that experience to her. 

Anyways, I decided to explore on my own whether I'm still suffering significantly from my dysfunctional childhood. I got a book about it from the library. The book says to look for traits in myself that I may have gotten from my parents, but I'm wildly different than they are. Whatever is going on with me, being like mom or dad isn't it.

I'm observing myself very anxious and freaking out about the therapist assuming something about me or misinterpreting something I say. I guess I will just tell her next time.I got the appointment moved to Wednesdays so that the all-day upsetfest doesn't interfere with lifting.

After I told the therapist that I didn't want to get to know a bunch of random people, it occurred to me that there is kind of a desperate quality to my social ambitions. I suppose that with no solid base of social support (friends/family), my priority must be to get some: an intimate relationship. I have known for some time that I might become more interested in friends after I had that primary relationship, but never thought much on why aside from my lifelong social disinterest and low social energy. Maybe I just don't want to waste time with friends because I know that that sort of relationship won't address what's missing.

During my walk this evening I started to wonder if I should go along with the therapist's plan to talk about my dad's criticism. I would have to tell her that I've reconsidered. Doing that really bothers me but I don't know why. Although I became very upset when she said that I looked depressed during our first visit, I reconsidered and decided that I I may have some sub-clinical depression. I thought that I should tell her that, but the prospect of doing so bothered me, and I don't know why.

I felt a bit less fatigued today.

I don't know if I have it in me to shoulder all this. I'm just tired of living improperlyhuman's life.

And I DO NOT want to be an editor.

I read something from another person who is Type 5. She said that it's important for Type 5s confidence and feelings of mastery to have jobs with clearcut...something, I can't remember. Well, editing isn't clearcut, like I've complained about before. Reading this was just more evidence that I should abandon ship.

I don't know if I should go through with the certificate anyways though. I don't know what to do. Good thing I haven't submitted the enrollment form yet. I guess I should first explore alternative careers. I'm gonna feel like an idiot if I decide to ask my voc rehab counselor to change my employment plan.
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