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[personal profile] improperlyhuman
I'm trying to improve my sleep hygiene, but it seems that both the depth and duration of my sleep are worse than ever (or the same but previously unnoticed). I don't understand what is keeping me awake; I certainly have been feeling tired, and I haven't had much on my mind at bedtime.

Once again I feel more tired the second day after a weightlifting workout than the day after. At least I don't feel as tired as I have been feeling
; that tells me that pursuing light workouts is helpful. I really want some caffeine, but I'm concerned that it will disturb my sleep tonight. Anyways, I'm too tired to get up, shower, and get dressed, and, after having put off laundry for so long, I doubt that I have anything dry to wear anyhow.

I think it finally fully hit me today that everything social I've been doing or considering doing is but the means to an end that I can never reach. The most important thing in the world to me is social harmony, healthy societies. I won't ever be a part of one, so I'll basically need to spend the rest of my life being distracted from that need. How depressing. I've begun to wonder whether some of activities I do by myself are just ways to distract myself from this huge hole in my life. Reading romance novels, maybe.

I have shown evidence of this priority before. All the times I posted about ambivalence about looking for a girlfriend, I sub-consciously knew that I was trying to satisfy this broad social instinct with a one-on-one relationship.

I've sought small, cheap replacements for social satisfaction in online forums, but the online world merely reflects fleshspace in its social fragmentation and dysfunction. I found myself confused by the juxtaposition of the urge to participate and the frustration and disgust participation occasioned me. Today I figured out the disgust: Online forums don't necessarily operate as groups so much as they operate as information cannons that fire unwanted personal details at me. I read the threads for high-level ideas, not to hear about strangers marriages (yuck).

I never much cared for friends because the small group social environment, even moreso than the one-on-one relationship, is not nearly as important to me as the societal social environment. And groups of friends can't really replace a healthy society. I had the least interest in friends when I was younger, when I still had a (false) sense of social unity. I felt and feel drawn to anarchists, vegan, and feminists because those ideologies encompass the values I would like to see more or less reflected in society. I wouldn't care nearly as much if society weren't misogynistic, brutally violent, and opposed to freedom. Of course, those ideologies wouldn't exist if that were the case.

Friends, girlfriends, acquaintances, therapists, co-workers, activity partners, none of them can give me what I want the most. They aren't big enough to create a society in which people can live without fear of other society members. They can't provide freedom. They can't make sure everyone is treated fairly and properly integrated into the group and has enough to eat. They can't keep anyone from polluting the air, soil, and water. They can't make it safe to trust random people. The most they can be is an island in a hostile sea. That's not good enough for me. I feel entitled to more.

So that's it. I think something that's a bit of salt in the wound is the knowledge that some people actually expect society to improve. It won't, not significantly, not fundamentally.

I have said this before: switching my focus to smaller, more contained, more manageable aspects of my life (such as my "career") is a relief. That kind of stuff has a solution, more importantly, a solution I can manage more or less by myself. The sense of hopelessness about the global social situation comes from the knowledge that solving it requires so many people with so many differing and conflicting wants, needs, and perspectives to work together (this is part of the reason why I consider tribes the ideal human social structure). But improperlyhuman (and VoR) can improve my job situation. That's no big deal.

I wonder if the shrink will believe me if I tell her that this is my core problem. I fear that she won't. First we will have a conversation about her believing what I say about my motivations, and then I'll see if that seems to make her any more receptive.

All I can do is save up, move away, and donate my time to the causes. Horrible feeling of powerlessness.

I think all this became clear to me because I have thinking about the Social Instinct, the Instincts (social, sexual, and self-preservation) being a sort of typology often used in connection with the Enneagram to understand and describe personality.

Next time, I would like to post about perspectives I can take to make this less miserable, but I usually forget about such posting agendas I set for myself.
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