improperlyhuman: (Default)
2037-10-25 01:29 pm

[sticky entry] Sticky: My Journal




This journal used to be called The Theory of Everything. It was imported from livejournal because livejournal started getting on my nerves.

Within lies several years of navel-gazing goodness.

Artwork is a painting by Magritte. The acronym ADOAS stands for American descendant(s) of African slaves.

The following is my guide to productive debate and other intellectual discourse:


Extend your mercy... )
Actually, don't even bother. Many, many people can't grasp or construct a logical argument to save their lives, and they operate on pure emotion anyhow. Seek instead to eliminate their power over you and yours, then their ill-formed opinions won't even matter.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-25 12:37 am
Entry tags:

Money! Finally!

Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
2017-07-22 10:51 pm

Quentin Tarantino Can Die In A Fire

My copy of Language, Truth and Logic arrived today. I read the first two chapters today and it's a great book so far.

The gist so far is that metaphysics is a bunch of nonsense and not properly categorized as philosophy. The author's standard for meaningful statements is that they must either be tautological (like the definitions that make up logic and formal mathematics) or subject to some kind of empirical verification.

Metaphysics includes religion, or the supernatural aspects of it at least. I can't even say how tired I am of bullshit religious discourse masquerading as philosophy. In particular, if people can't define "god" and can't describe god in any way that lends itself to observation, it's pointless to discuss god's existence, and the discussion certainly isn't philosophical.

The fact that I've never come across any meaningful description of god is why I like to stress my ignosticism (rather than merely calling myself an atheist)—I can't actually determine whether something exists if I don't even know what that something is supposed to be like. In other words, the question of god's existence is as meaningless as the question of aaoisenuwfpr's existence.

Sweet, I just got another editing contract.

When I first got these sleeping pills—actually the package says "dietary supplement—I was downing them with water, like actual pills. I didn't notice that they were chewable!

Hmm I suddenly just flashed back to my first night in Paris. I wonder what made me think of that.

I gave Quentin Tarantino another chance, half knowing that I shouldn't have. Fortunately I turned The Hateful Eight off within the first ten minutes, so I didn't see much. Tarantino is a dick who has a thing with casual racism and sensationalized sexual violence. I'm sure the setting of this movie (post-Civil War Wyoming) and his previous movie (a slave plantation) were not coincidences. There aren't a whole lot of scenarios in which contemporary characters would continually say "nigger." I hope Tarantino falls stomach first onto a samurai sword. I just don't give a shit.

There weren't many good movies I hadn't already seen at the library. Way more comedy and drama than action for some reason.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-21 10:52 pm
Entry tags:

Unhappy emotions :(

Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just be...me accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-19 11:40 pm
Entry tags:

Yep, Tired Again.

Only a little, however. I will stick to walking for a while.

I left my ex-shrink a voicemail six days ago, and she called me about it today, an hour before our old appointment time. I bet she just today listened to the voicemail, probably just before the appointed time. Every time I showed up, she was fiddling with her smart phone and seemingly not quite ready to start the session.

Today I received an email verifying my enrollment in the editing certificate program. Now I need to figure out how I'll afford books. I should have taken care of this months ago, but I procrastinated because I felt bad asking DOR for yet more financial assistance.

I was reading through a job post today when I thought of another thing I should be doing with clients, and I had another of those Completely Overwhelmed moments I sometimes (too often) have with respect to my career. I ended up looking into QA testing again (on onetonline.org). It seems this would not be a good career choice because I would have to keep up with new coding shit. I've only heard about developers having to keep up with new languages and frameworks, and that was enough to make me feel tired.

I have been trying to figure out how to contact university presses and offer my editorial services. Such a (seemingly) simple task that has gone so long undone. I hardly have anything to recommend me, however, so I don't see myself getting hired.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-18 10:35 pm
Entry tags:

First Day Back to Exercising

I cycled on my spinning bike for twenty minutes this morning. I walked for about thirty-eight minutes this evening. Tomorrow I'll have an idea of how much damage I've done, and I'll know for sure the day after that.

I look fatter. I'm back on a diet. Enduring hunger seems easier when I'm not exercising. I don't know why. I've been going to bed without eating and...no night sweats! What's up with that??

It seems that there is no way for me to use a Google account from home totally anonymously. I tried to sign in with Tor browser and my foreign IP address tipped Google off. I was prompted to enter my country; doing so would merely tip Google off the next time I sign in with Tor browser unless I keep reseting the Tor exit node so that it gives me an IP address that corresponds to that country. Relying on library computers is a bit too uncertain for work.

I feel that I will be able to sleep without pills tonight.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-15 05:17 pm
Entry tags:

Was I An Affirmative Action Hire?

I made about $260 dollars yesterday and gave myself a mild headache (or, rather, staring at MS Word did) editing a research proposal for nearly 10 hours. I treated myself to some books to celebrate.

My goddamned Word Add-In left a shitload of highlighted words in the client's document. It looked chaotic. I thought the highlighting was supposed to be visible only while checking the document, not an actual change in formatting. I somehow didn't notice and returned the document to the client, who was confused. I tried to fix the document, but Word kept crashing, then I started to panic because I didn't want to make a poor showing for someone who was paying me so much, but the client said she could fix the colors herself. Whew.

She wouldn't allow me to use her paper in my portfolio, however. I wonder what the hell kind of confidentiality concerns a person could have about a damned social sciences research proposal.

My backbrush has been broken for weeks, and my back is getting filthy. I've been wanting to order a new brush from the same German company that manufactured my scrub brush and toilet bowl brush, but it costs over twenty dollars, twenty-six with shipping and handling. I only had $100 in checking. Thanks to this job, however, I'll be able to afford it. I'm happy.

The research described in the proposal was in part about decreasing racial discrimination against minorities on online freelancer platforms. Surprise! I was like, hey, this group of research subjects sounds familiar...

Then I read that some of the solutions considered involved somehow increasing the hire rate for racial minorities (not just stopping racial discrimination), and I wondered whether the client had hired me because of this.

When I submitted a proposal for this job, the rate tip feature suggested that I bid about $3.14 more than my usual hourly rate. I took a chance and did just that, so I earned my highest ever hourly rate on this job. I was surprised that I got hired (most clients don't even respond to my proposals, and my hourly rate is not low). These events made me wonder all the more whether I was an AA hire.

I don't think AA hiring is bad; it just makes me feel strange to be given opportunities that way.

I've found that the way to sleep restfully through the night is to take two sleeping pills. No fatigue or brain fog whatsoever today, despite my having stayed up until two A.M. working last night. I couldn't have gotten more than seven hours of sleep.

I do feel that my energy balance is still a bit delicate, so I'm taking it easy with chores. I'm hoping to ease back into exercising, starting with walking. I think I'll cancel my doctor's appointment.

One of the books I ordered is about managing "shadow functions," aka inferior functions (in Myers-Briggs terms). As I detailed in a recent post about my feelings about unity amongst people, my Fe seems to be making herself known, and I need to do something about it to manage the unpleasant emotions that are being stirred up.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-13 10:30 pm
Entry tags:

It's That Time Again

Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-12 10:02 pm
Entry tags:

Hella Chill

The shrink still up to b.s. Today there was a wicked long silence after I spoke during our session, so I asked whether she had anything to say. She said she hadn't wanted to interrupt me, so I said that I'd finished. Then she had to nerve to tell me I that wasn't finished speaking! The hell?

Still looking for emotions that aren't there as well. I told her that I was angry, but she kept looking. I bet if I lied and told her what she expected to hear, she'd believe me.

I showed my frustration but was in general hella chill about all this. I've begun, however, to consider leaving therapy. She's not helping me. I'm actually being hindered by having to field all her crap before we can get down to the actual issues I bring up. I'm doing a great job of identifying my own problems, and I'm starting to see the way to solve them as well, particularly with the reading I've been doing.

She seems to persist in the belief that I see her to have someone to talk to, despite my telling her multiple times that that isn't the case. So she sits there silently, offering me no solutions.

I bought some natural sleeping pills. They definitely help me to fall asleep, but the problem of waking up too early persists. So, rather than trying to force myself into a sleeping schedule, I'm just gonna stay up as long as I want and see if the resulting exhaustion helps me to sleep long enough. I always feel great in the evenings and want to stay up forever to accomplish all the things I couldn't do during the day.

I went back and read some of Jung's Psychological Types. I found it much more understandable this time. That lack of brain fog makes a helluva difference. So I decided that INTP fits me best. Maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of what Jung wrote; INTP is, after all, a classification of Myers-Briggs, which is based on, but not identical to, Jung's typology. Eh whatevs.

I'm re-growing my duck tail, a bigger duck tail that will be a nice heavy braid (I hope). I cut off the little rat tail I had, which looked stupid because my hair back there was two different lengths.

I think I did something stupid in my mental haze the other day. I filled out a W-9 and gave the editing company my social security number. That wasn't safe. Well, at least my credit is already horrible, so they can't ruin it or get credit cards or whatever in my name. And maybe they are legit and just have shitty hiring practices. I guess I should call SSA. Shit. All this trouble because I'm having to work when I'm too ill to do so. Can't get unemployment and can't get SSDI. Trapped in the system.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-07 11:49 pm

INTP or INTJ?

I'm sleeping much better these days, and the crushing fatigue is gone, although I have wanted a short nap a couple afternoons. I've stopped making breakfast at night so that I can relax a bit more before I go to sleep. Putting breakfast together in the morning and waiting a half hour or so while it sits in the fridge works just fine.

I can't figure out whether I'm an INTP or an INTJ. I was so excited to finally receive my copy of Gifts Differing yesterday, but the descriptions of the cognitive functions are unclear. I cannot tell the difference between Ne/Ni and Te/Ti.

I'm disappointed. If the goddamned creator of this theory has not described it clearly, I have no hope that anyone else really understands it. I could just give up on self-typing. The point of typing myself is to decide which self-growth material I should read; I could read stuff for both INTPs and INTJs.

My therapy session went quite well this week. I told the shrink my concern about not being listened to, and she seemed to take it to heart. And why wouldn't she?

I burn up in the afternoons because I can't afford to run the air conditioner much, and it only cools the living room when I do run it.

I'm still having problems with boredom. Still waiting for a response from my voc rehab counselor about getting legal fees covered. Still hardly getting any work, still not saving up to move away. I have to face the unpleasant but very likely probability that I will be here for another winter, so I have to get after the landlord to put in a heater.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-02 11:24 pm
Entry tags:

Post-Exertional Malaise

I felt good today, so I cleaned up a bit. Suddenly felt tired once I sat down :(

So today was another caffeine day. I had one Peanut Toffee Buzz Cliff bar and a Red Bull Zero instead of two bars to cut down on calories. I'm going to have to eat less now that I'm not exercising.

I can see now that I will have to go some time not lifting at all, maybe not exercising at all. I was hoping to simply cut down, but that's clearly not going to work if simply going through some piles of paper make me tired.

The caffeine somehow simultaneously gave me laser focus and nervous energy. I suppose I had a bit more than I needed. I was suddenly compelled to play a computer game for hours. I'd never been able to stick with a computer game for that long. Didn't get shit ready for tomorrow (grocery day) like I was supposed to.

My life is such a mess. 1.5 years housed, then my apartment burns down. A couple months out of the damned shelter, then I gnt sick and can't figure out why. I've been dealing with this fatigue for four and a half months now. I looked back in my journal to see if I'd changed anything in particular when it started. I first posted about it in mid-February. That's when I decided to increase my protein intake and started taking the hemp protein powder. Nothing really stands out.

So no lifting for one week. I've already freakin forgotten proper deadlifting technique. Shitty kinesthetic intelligence.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-01 01:20 pm

Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places

I'm trying to improve my sleep hygiene, but it seems that both the depth and duration of my sleep are worse than ever (or the same but previously unnoticed). I don't understand what is keeping me awake; I certainly have been feeling tired, and I haven't had much on my mind at bedtime.

Once again I feel more tired the second day after a weightlifting workout than the day after. At least I don't feel as tired as I have been feeling
; that tells me that pursuing light workouts is helpful. I really want some caffeine, but I'm concerned that it will disturb my sleep tonight. Anyways, I'm too tired to get up, shower, and get dressed, and, after having put off laundry for so long, I doubt that I have anything dry to wear anyhow.

I think it finally fully hit me today that everything social I've been doing or considering doing is but the means to an end that I can never reach. The most important thing in the world to me is social harmony, healthy societies. I won't ever be a part of one, so I'll basically need to spend the rest of my life being distracted from that need. How depressing. I've begun to wonder whether some of activities I do by myself are just ways to distract myself from this huge hole in my life. Reading romance novels, maybe.

I have shown evidence of this priority before. All the times I posted about ambivalence about looking for a girlfriend, I sub-consciously knew that I was trying to satisfy this broad social instinct with a one-on-one relationship.

I've sought small, cheap replacements for social satisfaction in online forums, but the online world merely reflects fleshspace in its social fragmentation and dysfunction. I found myself confused by the juxtaposition of the urge to participate and the frustration and disgust participation occasioned me. Today I figured out the disgust: Online forums don't necessarily operate as groups so much as they operate as information cannons that fire unwanted personal details at me. I read the threads for high-level ideas, not to hear about strangers marriages (yuck).

I never much cared for friends because the small group social environment, even moreso than the one-on-one relationship, is not nearly as important to me as the societal social environment. And groups of friends can't really replace a healthy society. I had the least interest in friends when I was younger, when I still had a (false) sense of social unity. I felt and feel drawn to anarchists, vegan, and feminists because those ideologies encompass the values I would like to see more or less reflected in society. I wouldn't care nearly as much if society weren't misogynistic, brutally violent, and opposed to freedom. Of course, those ideologies wouldn't exist if that were the case.

Friends, girlfriends, acquaintances, therapists, co-workers, activity partners, none of them can give me what I want the most. They aren't big enough to create a society in which people can live without fear of other society members. They can't provide freedom. They can't make sure everyone is treated fairly and properly integrated into the group and has enough to eat. They can't keep anyone from polluting the air, soil, and water. They can't make it safe to trust random people. The most they can be is an island in a hostile sea. That's not good enough for me. I feel entitled to more.

So that's it. I think something that's a bit of salt in the wound is the knowledge that some people actually expect society to improve. It won't, not significantly, not fundamentally.

I have said this before: switching my focus to smaller, more contained, more manageable aspects of my life (such as my "career") is a relief. That kind of stuff has a solution, more importantly, a solution I can manage more or less by myself. The sense of hopelessness about the global social situation comes from the knowledge that solving it requires so many people with so many differing and conflicting wants, needs, and perspectives to work together (this is part of the reason why I consider tribes the ideal human social structure). But improperlyhuman (and VoR) can improve my job situation. That's no big deal.

I wonder if the shrink will believe me if I tell her that this is my core problem. I fear that she won't. First we will have a conversation about her believing what I say about my motivations, and then I'll see if that seems to make her any more receptive.

All I can do is save up, move away, and donate my time to the causes. Horrible feeling of powerlessness.

I think all this became clear to me because I have thinking about the Social Instinct, the Instincts (social, sexual, and self-preservation) being a sort of typology often used in connection with the Enneagram to understand and describe personality.

Next time, I would like to post about perspectives I can take to make this less miserable, but I usually forget about such posting agendas I set for myself.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-29 09:47 pm
Entry tags:

I Must Sleep

I tried doing an even lighter workout this evening, and I'm already starting to feel. Usually I don't feel bad until the morning after.

I love my hair. I've been taking very good care of it lately. For most of my life I had no idea how to keep it clean and moisturized. I was raised to put grease in my hair. I decided that wasn't good for my hair because grease blocks the follicles.

I would keep various types of moisturizer in my hair and not wash my hair often because washing dried it out, but that combination made my hair dirty. As an adolescent, I washed my hair so infrequently that I actually somewhat envied people who washed their hair daily. I still had dandruff and dry scalp.

Now I condition with oil (and sometimes shea butter), but wash it/them out the same day. I do this every day or every other day. I've discovered that I have to do it that often; missing just a few days leaves me with dandruff.

I was a bit upset yesterday. The shrink has begun doing to me that thing I hate, that thing that makes me not want to be around people. Guessing at what I'm thinking and not taking what I'm saying at face value. To put salt in the wound, she's partially basing her diagnosis of depression on her "observation" that I "isolate."

This time was a bit different, however. First I was telling her about a conversation I had, and she randomly asked me if my response was caused by hostility. Then she (out of the blue) told me that I seem to think that I'm aware of all of my motivations. She reminded me that people have an unconscious. I know damned well that I was paying better attention to the details of the conversation than she was (particularly given her having asked me for details I had stated not 5 minutes before), and I'm sure that I said nothing that justified that "observation."

I'm not going to put up with someone who thinks she know what I'm thinking better than I do. I am so done with that. I will think of a way to bring it up with her next week. If this doesn't work out, never again will I seek a female shrink. I give up! The only shrink I ever had who seemed to understand me was a guy.

My millet didn't finish cooking again. I used to cook it perfectly every single night, but I've been messing it up for the past month or two. I don't know what I'm doing differently. I'll just have undigestable millet in my gut tonight.

I'm going to be trying extra hard to get enough sleep so that I can continue lifting. No computer late at night (I shouldn't even be online now).
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-27 11:44 pm
Entry tags:

I Have Been Mistyped

I think that I'm an INTP. I've been suspecting this for a while, but I've been having difficulty grasping the functions (which would allow me to verify my type), so I've just been sort of ignoring the issue every time it comes to mind.

I keep scoring INTJ on tests (including the ones in books). I think the problem is that I score INTJ from a dichotomies perspective (I vs. E, N vs. S, etc.), but INTP from the perspective of cognitive functions (Ne vs. Ni, Te vs. Ti, etc.).

I've never strongly related to the supposed INTJ getting-things-doneness. I didn't notice that so much when I was younger because I was more productive and actually involved in accomplishing things. More recently, I considered that my lack of productivity (particularly professional/academic productivity, the dimension I notice as I contrast myself with other INTJs) was due to my being largely uninvested in the workings of this society/an anarchist (also the possibility of class privilege. oh, and I keep forgetting that I'm disabled!).

But now I see that I'm not terribly productive with my own hobbies. I care more about understanding than creating a product. I think the drive to produce explains why the INTJs seem more willing than I am to engage others (IRL) despite their introversion; they need to engage to produce, but I don't need to engage to understand. They seem more practical.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to be a computer programmer despite my disinclination to program outside of the structure of a course. (Part of the disconnect is that, starting at the intermediate level, the path of a programmer is learning by example and trial and error, which I dislike and find difficult.) I don't care about creating programs so much as I enjoy figuring out the logic of an algorithm. This accords with INTP descriptions.

I would like to purchase a copy of Introduction to Type (which was written by one of the creators of the MBTI). I hope that this book will give me the understanding of the theory I need to verify my type. It costs almost six dollars. I have eighty or ninety dollars. I shouldn't...

My fatigue today was worse than yesterday despite my being further removed from Sunday's workout. I had to have some caffeine. So now I won't be able to sleep.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-26 11:11 pm
Entry tags:

I Had To

Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on cronometer.com, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-25 10:47 pm
Entry tags:

I Had To

I couldn't take it anymore. I lifted this evening. I took it easy, didn't lift as heavy as I can. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

I felt so good today that I started studying Russian again.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-24 11:50 pm

dying of freakin boredom!

Don't think i'll be able to go a whole week without exercising. Maybe i'll try the bike tomorrow or just some walking. I wanted to do some chores today but forbore for fear of depleting myself.

Messaging people on OkC has become easier for me. I guess that's because I only message people I'm not really interested in. Those are the only people I come across. I guess anybody can send a quick greeting when there are no expectations.

I installed Qubes OS on my other partition because I got tired of fiddling with settings every single time I started up Tails OS. Qubes' security is based on applications running in separate VMs: something for which this laptop, with its measly 5 gigs of RAM, isn't well suited. I have to get used to seeing a list of VMs instead of application categories in the Applications menu.

The wind has been blowing wicked hard here for the past few days. The sound is rather pleasant.

I've come to see that I can stop freaking out about things so much by...just not focusing on them. The thought goes through my mind, and I don't follow up; I just let it go. Sometimes letting it go gives me the peace of mind to come back and consider it serenely (rather than anxiously).

Goodnight, John Boy :)
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
2017-06-23 11:18 pm

Time to Rest

I feel quite good today. I'm giving myself time to rest rather than jumping back into my exercise routine or chores as soon as I start to feel better. Perhaps I will take another week off. I have stopped drinking caffeine; I suspect it's responsible for my water retention (and misshapen ankles). I still have most of my same old problems today, but I feel at peace because I'm so relieved to not have brain fog.

I revised the single punctuation error I committed on my editing test and was accepted as a contractor. The pay rates are low (and more abysmal with increasing word count), but I can mitigate against that somewhat by completing rush jobs only. I am trying to keep in mind that I only need to save up a bit to move away; then I can pursue traditional employment (I hope).

I'm kind of dying for something to read here. I don't feel like going through my volumes on classic sci-fi or old school lesbian/"variant" lit to  choose my next novel. I want to read Gifts Differing to understand the Myers-Briggs typology better, but the shitty library doesn't own a copy and I can't really afford the four dollars an ebay copy will cost me. Hell, maybe I'll just buy it anyways. I always blow a few dollars here and there when I'm crazy broke and things always work out in the end anyways.

The local book store will be closed for another two weeks. I have Treasure Island and a couple of volumes of gothic fiction. I have (what I think is) the latest of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, but I've grown rather tired of Lestat, all the vampiric drama, and the huge cast of characters.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
2017-06-22 07:42 pm
Entry tags:

aint this some bullshit

I was so happy that I was the only passenger on the little shuttle out of town today. Gloriously quiet ride. I tried to get some snacks at the dollar store next to the transportation center before my connecting bus arrived because it was time to eat, but the store literally never has more than two cashiers working and literally always has a bunch of people with baskets full of shit in line, so I had to leave to avoid missing my bus.

I waited forever for the doctor again. He said that my swelling feet and ankles are caused by water retention (!). The results of my vitamin d3 test weren't available (it's been three weeks since I had blood drawn for that!). He said that I didn't look my "normal" happy self. This was the second time he'd ever seen me.

He said that I have two options: a sleep study or medication. Well the sleep study isn't going to help because I can't sleep in strange places. He said that he would try to wrangle it so that I could get a home sleep study. But in the meantime, medication. First he said the medication was for nerve problems or something, so I didn't understand what he was offering.

Then when I started complaining about side-effects, he told me that he was prescribing an SSRI! A goddamned anti-depressant! I kind of lost it a little bit. I told him this was crazy because I'm not depressed. But what else can I do? I can't live my life tired all the time. So I just said ok. I was despondent after I left. I couldn't decide whether I'd take the medication or not.

But I thought of something on my way home (which included missing the bus): I feel a little better now that I'm not exercising. As much as I want to exercise, I'm probably better off toning it down than taking Celexa for a month.

So I took the later bus back to where the shuttle picks up and tried to get some cereal from the dollar store next to the transportation center because I have leftover almond milk from the last time I gave in to buying my beloved Nutty Nuggets and I'm sick of eating the food I have and too tired to cook.

Once again, only two cashiers were available and the people in line ahead of me were unloading a bomb shelter's worth of food. so I put my two boxes of rice crispies on top of the soda machine, got out of line, and left, just as I'd put my back brush, pistachios, and pretzels on top of the soda machine and left four hours earlier.

ha! that motormouth guy who rides the shuttle back into town Thursday evenings didn't show up today despite the driver's waiting nearly a quarter of an hour extra for him. thank goodness! shit, my next appointment is also on a thursday. the rheumatologist only comes on thursdays. and it turned out that I would have had enough time to buy those two boxes of cereal, dammit.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-21 11:29 pm

Waiting for my millet stew...

now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed