I went outside to see if I could still manage the walk, but I felt heavy, brain-foggy, like a zombie. I had a bit of Red Bull, maybe 1/4 of a can, but it did not seem to help. Eating made me feel a bit better (I'm amazed at the number of calories I seem to be burning nowadays, and I'd undereaten I guess), but not awake enough to go out.
I wonder if this month's decrease in protein has anything to do with my fatigue. Did my feeling good today have anything to do with this being my day off from cycling? I need answers, dammit!
I'm never going to find a vegan girlfriend. For one thing, I won't move to a more populous region. I resent so much my inability to safely go out late at night on my own when I'm in more populated areas that I can't bear to live there even for the many benefits.
It's those goddamned young men; they make the whole damned world unsafe. Ruining my life. At the most random moments I get hit with memories of being harassed and it kills my mood, I have to put together some on-the-spot coping tactic. It's so unreal, sometimes it just stops me in my tracks.
On top of that, I would have to think about it every time I wanted to leave the house late and felt afraid to do so. EVERY DAMNED TIME. The constant reminder may be even worse than the actual possibility of meeting one of them. Here I don't have to think about going out in the middle of the night, even down unlit alleyways if I want.
Which reminds me of some comment somethingsaudade whatshername made on a livejournal entry of mine that I think was about being harassed as well. I was angry but tried to reply civilly, and eventually I came to see that was actually repressing my anger. I've forgotten the details now; something about me feeling bad just because of the situation I had gone through last summer when I was homeless. As if that wasn't enough by itself!
No, it was the entry in which I said I didn't really care about the men for whom the Black Lives Matter movement was created. Haven't changed my mind on that one. There's a helluva lot more to my attitude towards men than being harassed or the stress of homelessness. Most of it comes from shit that hasn't even happened to me. I can see how men treat my sisters and the whole goddamned world while we're at it. That's why I became a radical feminist, in fact. Not my personal experiences.
And straight up telling me how I feel on a blog in which I've repeatedly complained about people guessing at how I think and feel. Goddammit.
Anyways. Yeah, I will probably have to choose (if I get any choice at all) between dating a non-vegan or staying single for a very long time if not forever. But I can't do either. I will just have to focus on something else to stay sane.
In the more immediate future, I'm going to have to get a doctor's note because I cannot work. Frustrating that I'll have to wait at least 4 or 5 weeks. Shit! Just remembered that I have to get my blood drawn again. If my blood work shows normal D3 levels and I'm still tired, dammit, that's chronic fatigue. That got me on record with this same problem a few years back, and I got the same thing from records in the clinic before that and in my college medical records too probably!
So I ordered my medical records from UCSC and saw some things the doctor never mentioned to me. No one had told me that I was obese, but there it was in my records. I hadn't known that I was obese. Is that the right verb tense? I should know this.
I didn't know how to eat right back then and could have benefited from some nutritional advice. They sent me to the nutritionist for hypoglycemia but not for obesity.