improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt great today and thought that my fatigue is finally going away! I cleaned the apartment a bit and did some laundry. Then I suddenly began to feel very tired this evening around 6 PM while preparing for my walk.

I went outside to see if I could still manage the walk, but I felt heavy, brain-foggy, like a zombie. I had a bit of Red Bull, maybe 1/4 of a can, but it did not seem to help. Eating made me feel a bit better (I'm amazed at the number of calories I seem to be burning nowadays, and I'd undereaten I guess), but not awake enough to go out.

I wonder if this month's decrease in protein has anything to do with my fatigue. Did my feeling good today have anything to do with this being my day off from cycling? I need answers, dammit!

I'm never going to find a vegan girlfriend. For one thing, I won't move to a more populous region. I resent so much my inability to safely go out late at night on my own when I'm in more populated areas that I can't bear to live there even for the many benefits.

It's those goddamned young men; they make the whole damned world unsafe. Ruining my life. At the most random moments I get hit with memories of being harassed and it kills my mood, I have to put together some on-the-spot coping tactic. It's so unreal, sometimes it just stops me in my tracks.

On top of that, I would have to think about it every time I wanted to leave the house late and felt afraid to do so. EVERY DAMNED TIME. The constant reminder may be even worse than the actual possibility of meeting one of them. Here I don't have to think about going out in the middle of the night, even down unlit alleyways if I want.

Which reminds me of some comment somethingsaudade whatshername made on a livejournal entry of mine that I think was about being harassed as well. I was angry but tried to reply civilly, and eventually I came to see that was actually repressing my anger. I've forgotten the details now; something about me feeling bad just because of the situation I had gone through last summer when I was homeless. As if that wasn't enough by itself!

No, it was the entry in which I said I didn't really care about the men for whom the Black Lives Matter movement was created. Haven't changed my mind on that one. There's a helluva lot more to my attitude towards men than being harassed or the stress of homelessness. Most of it comes from shit that hasn't even happened to me. I can see how men treat my sisters and the whole goddamned world while we're at it. That's why I became a radical feminist, in fact. Not my personal experiences.

And straight up telling me how I feel on a blog in which I've repeatedly complained about people guessing at how I think and feel. Goddammit.

Anyways. Yeah, I will probably have to choose (if I get any choice at all) between dating a non-vegan or staying single for a very long time if not forever. But I can't do either. I will just have to focus on something else to stay sane.

In the more immediate future, I'm going to have to get a doctor's note because I cannot work. Frustrating that I'll have to wait at least 4 or 5 weeks. Shit! Just remembered that I have to get my blood drawn again. If my blood work shows normal D3 levels and I'm still tired, dammit, that's chronic fatigue. That got me on record with this same problem a few years back, and I got the same thing from records in the clinic before that and in my college medical records too probably!

So I ordered my medical records from UCSC and saw some things the doctor never mentioned to me. No one had told me that I was obese, but there it was in my records. I hadn't known that I was obese. Is that the right verb tense? I should know this.

I didn't know how to eat right back then and could have benefited from some nutritional advice. They sent me to the nutritionist for hypoglycemia but not for obesity.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Yay I got my Tantus Silk today. It's small (like d=3/4 inch) but it did not go in so easily. And I was worried that it was too short and narrow. It is neither.

I did not have any caffeine today, so I was tired for the whole day, albeit not as tired as I have been. I discovered that being excited without caffeine is much less intense both physically and mentally. I also discovered that I'm a much weaker lifter without caffeine. It's a freaking wonder drug.

I'm too tired to go into details, but I discovered that I may have been more affected by my dysfunctional childhood than I'd thought. That made me feel like crap. I feel like I don't have the energy, the will to live, to fix myself more than I am trying to do now.

But these traits I found aren't so terrible. I make too big a deal out of it perhaps. I'm just tired and easily upset at the prospect of yet another obstacle in my path to a girlfriend. But at least half the population of this country grew up in a dysfunctional family, so people can't be too damned picky, can they?

Oh! And I watched Batman vs. Superman throughout the day today. It wasn't as lame as I'd thought that it would be. And Superman wasn't as much of a fag as I'd expected. I've been avoiding Batman movies because Michael Keaton is The One True Batman and all these other Batmans make mad. But Ben Affleck wasn't too bad. George Clooney was probably terrible.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
All that Vit D3 I downed last night seemed to have no effect, so I went out for another Red Bull. All this caffeine I'm buying is costing me a fortune.

I thought maybe it's all the B vitamins in the Red Bull that make me feel so much better but the Clif Bars contain no more than 10% RDA of each B vitamin and my food diary shows that I'm getting 80%–100% RDA of B vitamins not including the portion from the Red Bull and Clif Bars.

Being able to concentrate on reading feels soooo goodI finished reading Jung's Psychological Types this afternoon. I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it. I bet Jung was an Intuitive. Either the translator did a shitty job or the writing was Intuitive-opaque.

Deadlifted 160 this evening!
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Thought I'd be able to make it through the day without caffeine, but no dice. Thanks to me, the grocery store ran out of Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars, so I ended up with a Red Bull from the gas station instead. I was afraid it wouldn't work, but it did the trick.

I finished We Too Are Drifting at the laundromat yesterday afternoon. It ended all of a sudden; I'm not even sure what happened. Seems like the protagonist let her young lover go off to college somewhere out of resignation, like she knew lesbians couldn't expect to stay together in a stable relationship. How sad :(
And what a strange, insubstantial book.

So, what shall I read next?

I sent off my enrollment form today. I'm gonna do that editing course.

From here it seems almost impossible that I'll earn enough money to cover my expenses and move away from here. I'm trying to psych myself up for a longish wait, a boring, empty summer and fall.

What if I open the bottle of Vit D3 and just chug a shitload of it at once instead of taking 1000 milliwhatever per day?? I wonder if that's safe. Shit, I'm gonna do it right now. I'm tired of being freakin tired.

Ok. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

The author of Starting Strength said that weightlifting injuries are inevitable. What an unpleasant thing to read. Wasn't sure whether I was going to try to squat 140 tomorrow, but maybe I'll pass on that. How did I even get up this high? Seems like just yesterday I was barely squatting 100, and 100 still feels heavy.

Late this evening, I walked past a building that had a second-floor that suddenly reminded me of an episode of The X-Files. Such random connections I make. I started thinking about how, towards the end of the series, I really got tired of the mytharc and only wanted to watch the standalone episodes, especially the ones in which Mulder and Scully got close. I felt kind of dumb about it, I don't know why.

As I was walking, the reason for my preference suddenly hit me: the mytharc reflected something ugly about reality. The government screwing people over and trying to keep it hidden. As I increased my political consciousness, this theme became depressing. And OMG, Mulder and Scully spending like a decade of their adult lives alone? Sooo not right. Who does that? Ha.
improperlyhuman: (Default)

For the past three days or so, I have been relying on caffeine to overcome my fatigue. Coffee doesn't seem to work, which is strange. I use Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars. Are there different kinds of caffeine? Weird.

The caffeine makes me randy. I can knock out HOURS taking care of the randiness. The body works very well now, which is a relief. New stuff going on with me though, crazy hunger from the inside like I've never had before, but I can only reach so far, and that is why I ended up scoping out the online toy market.

Most of the toys looked more like torture devices to me. Who are the people who use these huge things? Who puts glass and steel inside themselves? Maybe my perception is somewhat off the norm because I'm a small person. But glass and steel, wut. How does this other anatomy work because I squeeze down on auto and steel don't give.

Anyways I had to search for longer than expected, yesterday and today, because most everything was huge, too expensive, too bumpy/nubby, too curved, or flared at the head, which makes no sense to me because that part goes in first. I was surprised at the limited selection of Good Vibrations (which has FOUR stores in San Francisco alone). But I found economical options on Amazon that should work.

I got a Tantus Silk Small. In sexy ass black. At first I was like, wut, silk, damn this ain't vegan. But I think that refers to the smoooooooth surface. All those nubs and outcroppings and shite getting caught on my walls and impeding the rhythm, what's up with that, no thank you.


May. 14th, 2017 07:31 am
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I stay up late now because that's when I'm awake and therefore able to use my brain.

Was on edge this evening because I tried to energize myself with caffeine. It didn't work.

I've increased my Vitamin D3 and I hope to feel better within a few days' time like I did the last time I increased it.

Ok now I'm sleepy.

No Lupus

May. 11th, 2017 09:45 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Missed a couple of buses but made it to my rheumatology appointment on time. Had to wait like 45 minutes for the doctor and ultimately did not have the option to take the local bus home because I was there so late.

Doctor did roughly the same thing the last rheumatologist did: a lengthy physical exam. Actually lengthier this time. Also asked me a ton of questions.

He said that something like seventy percent of people who have a positive ANA test don't have lupus. He said that I don't show signs of lupus, but I could develop lupus in the future.

He told me to increase my Vitamin D, get my levels re-tested, and that we'd go from there. He also told me to let him know if I begin to get rashes, sores inside my mouth, or swollen joints (signs of lupus?). I have a follow-up appointment next month.

Although I was away from home for seven or eight hours, I struggled to get all my errands done. I didn't have time to walk to the fancy 6 dollar burrito place, so I ate at Taco Bell: 2 bean burritos (for which I forgot to order lettuce) and one Spicy Potato Soft Taco. I didn't have time to check the electronics store for hair clippers, but that's probably a good thing because they probably don't sell them.

Then I went to Walmart and got the African Black Soap that works. On the way there, I happened by the local chain sporting goods store and stopped in for some chalk. Then I went to the one pharmacy that sells my vegan, organic B-12 and bought a bottle of that. Then I caught the bus back to where the taxi had dropped me off.

I called the taxi service that I use to leave town and was denied a ride because the dispatcher didn't want to send the single driver on duty so far out. I thought that I was stranded at that point, but I tried another taxi service, one that won't give me a ride out of town but apparently will give me one into town. I had to wait an hour. It was cold out so I went into a department store for a while.

Lo and behold! I found some seemingly-not-toxic fluoride toothpaste (8 bucks) that doubles as bad breath treatment, and I found a good set of hair clippers (61 bucks). With tax these cost nearly half my checking account balance. I hesitated, but dammit, I need haircuts and I need fluoride on my choppers, don't I? That 35 bucks I dropped on vegan D3 a couple weeks ago hit me hard too.

So I finally got home at 9 pm, an hour ago.

I'd like to have someone to check my breath after I use this new toothpaste. That's what I'm missing without friendships!

I want to post more but I'm quite tired now. I did a lot of walking today.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
That body wash I got from VA dermatology made my skin worse. I have like two small wounds on my neck because of it. And I peeled the scabs off of them like an idiot. More than once. I don't give a shit anymore.

I can't do anything. I came home from the first therapy session nearly three hours ago, and I'm semi-paralyzed with upsetness. That would be ok, except I finally got some work, and I'm wasting time sitting here instead of working on it. But I don't want to make mistakes or waste my client's time by working hella slow.

My head hurts. I wish I didn't go to therapy. And I wish people would stop thinking I look depressed. It was ok. I mean it was worse than I'd imagined because I left there upset (I didn't expect that to happen quite so soon, but she said, "you look depressed" and I hate that shit), but she didn't seem shady. I'm glad the therapist is an older person. Young people are epically full of shit. I mean middle people. Small kids and elderly people are ok. Everyone else can die.

In the middle of last night, I had a nightmare about me and some other people being murdered or something, then woke up feeling traumatized. I went back to sleep and have since forgotten the details, though. Getting up a zillion times a night to pee has become a necessity because I wake up with a headache if I don't drink a ton. I have insomnia again, did I mention that? LOL.

I'm gonna try eating again.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Still no fatigue. Guess I'm cured.

Well. Except for that delicious muscle fatigue that comes from a kickass workout. I deadlifted 140 yesterday; 20 lbs. more than I weigh. 145 tomorrow. I'm looking forward to workouts so much more than I was before I fixed my squat form.

I'm going to get individualized employment services from voc rehab again. I'm worried that won't help me find a job.

I decided to do all my sitting on the floor instead of in my lawn chair. I'm concerned about the long-term effect chair-sitting would have on my mobility (including flexibility). Having to get up from the floor X times per day is more work than getting out of a chair. I ain't gon be no weak, saggy, fragile, low-bone density elderly person, no ma'am.

I'm noticing that I tend to procrastinate. Instead of doing what needs to be done, I fire up atris for one more game or load up a website to read a bit more. I don't want to read my emails when they arrive, even when I'm not too busy. I was almost dreading checking my bank account balance today.

Gonna try leaving the music on until I begin to nod off so I don't have to be stuck with my own thoughts while I wait to fall asleep.

improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
I was supposed to increase my squat weight to 75 lbs today., but I couldn't. I couldn't even row the weight I rowed last week. My back was too weak to support the weight. It was horrible. I was so disappointed. I had the strength in my arms, but not in my back. I was wobbly with 70 lbs. on my shoulders; 70 lbs. isn't even heavy!

I had some unexpected energy this afternoon, so I cycled. Then this random back weakness in the evening. I don't get it. I dunno what's wrong with me, but if it prevents me from working out, it's going to be very difficult to live with.

I looked up the blood test that was positive. That result is associated with autoimmune diseases. Lupus! Just give me my lupus and let me die; anything is better than not being able to lift.

What if my spine disintegrates into a pile of bone dust? Why is my back the only weak body part?

I'm gonna up my Vitamin D even more and see what happens.

I don't care abvout anything. I violated my diet and I'm not gonna brush my teeth before bed. I don't have the energy to care.

My new bar of African black soap isn't working on my scaly arms. This is the second bar of soap that hasn't worked. Nothing has worked since I left the shelter. Only the Walmart soap worked! Maybe it's the humidity in here? So I said to hell with it and used the salicylic acid I got prescribed at the VA.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The county transportation department held a meeting today about transportation needs for senior and disabled riders. I complained about noise on the buses, but that wasn't one of the top four complaints so it didn't get discussed. I think I left my eyeglasses there, but I didn't have the energy to go back.

A womon there said she had a hearing sensitivity and complained about the long bus ride into the nearest town because of the sound of the motor. She also said that she didn't qualify for paratransit services. I wanted to tell her that she could qualify on the basis of her "hearing sensitivity," which is how I qualified. But no time seemed like a good time to go over and talk to her. Sure, we had breaks and unstructured time, but breaking the ice with people never feels right. NEVER. And I don't like talking anyhow. I finally got tired of thinking about it and just left.

I was going to say something pithy about my desire to help womyn contrasted with my disinclination to do simple things like talk to them, but I can't quite remember what that was. Yes, I have fatigue and brain fog again.

My host back from homelessness episode #2 brought over the stuff I'd left at his apartment. I'm so glad because I was in desperate need of a haircut. I gave myself a punk cut this morning.

Every time I see him he tries to get me to spend a little time with him. He told me to call him for a ride the next time I go out of town for grocery shopping. I'm like, dude. What are you doing.

And the disturbing thing is that I want to spend time with him now. I didn't want to the first few times he asked me. I think I was too used to being alone, and somehow feared that which had become foreign. Maybe I only want to spend time with him now because I'm bored. I can't keep myself entertained because I can't concentrate  on anything. 

But the problem is that I also want to continue being a separatist. I like being a separatist; it is such a lovely thing. Except in practice sometimes it's messy.

I became a separatist for two reasons: my safety (physical and psychological) and to put myself in the headspace to devote my efforts to females. First of all, this guy isn't a physical threat to me. A psychological threat, meh, not really. I mean there are womyn going around liberally calling other womyn bitches and cunts, that's worse than anything he's ever said.

As for my female-centric headspace, well, I'm not doing much with it. All I do is sit in this chair, be tired, fret over my calories, and mess around online. Not really helping anyone, is it?

But I like being a separatist. This whole situation is really awkward and wrong. And I don't have anyone I can ask about it. I think I'll stick with separatism. I like my purity.

I wonder if there is something in the construction of this apartment that is making me tired. Is that possible? I don't think living in anything but simple and natural structures is healthy.

Now I'm not sure whether I'm fatigued or just sleepy.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I got my lab results today. Most everything was normal. My Vitamin D was low, so I'm now supposed to take 2 sprays/day of my vegan supplement instead of 1.

My antinuclear antibody or something was positive, so I'm going to be referred to the rheumatologist. Again. I bet the doctor will find nothing wrong with me again.

The cab cost way more than expected again, so I had to wait hours for the bus. During the one-hour ride home, I had probably the worst migraine-induced nausea I've ever experienced. I was afraid I'd puke in the bus. I had the driver drop me off at a fast food restaurant so that I could get some food right away. All this suffering just because I missed lunch.

I was flossing last night when I noticed that the floss smelled bad :( I don't know what that means. Did I just have bad breath, or is something rotting in my mouth? This wasn't the first time I've noticed this since I've been living here. Now I'm afraid to talk to people because I may have bad breath. Why does this body require so much taking care of??

I'm overdue for a dental exam, but I have a feeling there won't be anything a dentist can do to get rid of my bad breath. I'm not sure why; I just have an image of myself as someone who has chronic bad breath. I read somewhere that both anxiety and hypoglycemia can cause bad breath, and I swear I'm always dealing with one or the other, if not both.

So this is what I have to do: I have to find a source of income.
  • have to take better care of my oral health
  • have to keep the house cleaner (I've been doing better at this)
  • have to shower more often (been slacking since I don't have a lot of clothes)
  • have to act just slightly less eccentric. just a little. worrying less will be sufficient for accomplishing that.
  • have to find a vegan
And bam! once I do all that, I'll have a shot at a girlfriend.
I tried to make a soybean meatloaf last night. I mixed the soybeans with my hemp protein powder, but it was still too gooey. So I'll need oats or something like the recipes say. But HOT DAMN did it have a lot of protein. 32 grams, roughly one-third of my total daily protein intake.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My back feels much better.

I deadlifted 135 lbs. today. Deadlift progress isn't coming so easily any more, and it is becoming more dangerous for my back. Time to revisit form.

I'm eager to see if I make more gainz on my high protein diet.

Tomorrow I will contact the agency that helps disabled people get telecommuting jobs. I sooo hope they have something for me. I have less than three hundred dollars to my name and no work in sight. Not only do I want to move away from here asap, I want to purchase a rowing machine because spinning is boring and I need more cardio.

This is gorgeous. I haven't looked at the price yet. I like to watch water sloshing around, so that'll make the machine that much more non-boring than the spinning bike. Too bad there is no cardio machine that comes with the equivalent of a top-load washer for me to watch.

Hmm maybe time for me to get some new icons.

improperlyhuman: (not queer)
My face looks bad. The hyperpigmentation is not fading. I think I actually have a couple of new spots. If I get no new marks from this point onward, I'd say I'd be at least forty before all of it fades. That'll be at least two and a half decades of bad skin. Too bad my parents were irresponsible idiots and didn't take me to a dermatologist when this started.

Well, that's it. Nothing I can do to get rid of it faster except maybe stay out of the sun. Which I shouldn't be doing because I need Vitamin D. Anyways I've been staying indoors without seeing much improvement except for the skin underneath my sideburns. Or maybe that just looks better because it's partially hidden by my sideburns.

I like sideburns. I don't like getting mine cut, but my haircut would probably look weird with sideburns. I wish mine were a bit thicker.

I don't wanna have bad skin for my whole goddamned life.

You know what would be great? A lesbian movie that is not drama. Like science fiction. Drama is boring and stupid. Isn't there enough drama in the world?

Somehow Netflix tricked me into believing that Jenny's Wedding was a comedy. I didn't laugh once. Jenny appeared to be in her thirties or late twenties at the absolute least, her family still didn't know that she was a lesbian, and the movie was filled with dull, faggy, clichéd, stomach-churning coming-out drama. And tears. Come on.

Grown-ass independent adult, Jenny! This is ridiculous. What are you afraid of? Do people even still do this in urban areas of first-world countries? I mean I know I hit the jackpot by growing up when and where I did, but it's pretty easy to be a lesbian in a lot of places now. I never came out because I was never closeted. I never had to be closeted. The closest I came to coming out was asking my mom to spend the night at her apartment because I had a date in town.

Coming out is lame. Just show up at your family's get-togethers with your girlfriend like nothing is out of the ordinary and let them marinate if they need to.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Yay. My back felt much better today, on account, I suspect, of my having laid off the cycling for a couple of days. I was able to squat 95 lbs. again, albeit for fewer reps than I normally would do.

That proto-shrink told me that my random sweating, feeling cold, and other physical symptoms were signs of anxiety, and she diagnosed me with GAD on the basis of those symptoms, I think, because I did not tell her that I ever felt anxious or suffered any psychological symptoms of anxiety.

But, while researching fatigue today, I came across information suggesting that these symptoms are characteristic of hypoglycemia. I can't remember if I told her that I'm hypoglycemic, but I think that I probably did because I remember being asked about my medical conditions during the evaluation.

But I do have anxiety, at least, I do now. Did I have it before? Did I not notice it before? I didn't think of myself as having anxiety before that evaluation, and didn't for some time after. What changed?

I keep getting myself into conversations that give me anxiety. There's really nothing bad about these conversations, so I go ahead and keep having them, hoping, perhaps subconsciously, that the anxiety will one day go away. But it isn't going away. Didn't someone say that facing one's fears would help one to conquer them?

The thing is, legitimate fears cannot be conquered. To not fear realistic threats is to be profoundly psychologically damaged. Fear is one of the most effective survival instincts.

My Back

Mar. 21st, 2017 10:12 pm
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
My back couldn't withstand my workout this evening. It didn't really hurt so much as it felt weak and stressed. I squatted 95 lbs. for one rep, and I could feel that something bad would happen if I kept going. Super upset :(

So I squatted 70. 70 measly lbs.! I don't know what's up with me. I recorded myself squatting to check my technique. I noticed that I slightly lifted my right foot with each rep, but I don't know what effect that has, if any. I also noticed that I don't look as fat as I'd feared.

I couldn't finish my barbell rows either. I was soooo looking forward to squatting 100 next week, but that's clearly not going to happen. Maybe I'm just a weakling :(

Maybe it's this goddamned lawn chair I sit in all day!

Well, the good news is that I'm back on my diet. Hunger pangs don't bother me. I could actually eat a lot less if it weren't for damned hypoglycemia. That might not be healthy, though. I keep trying to eat a bit less at night, but hypoglycemia won't let me. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating. So frustrating.

Saved myself some money by washing my gross-smelling sleeping bag liner in the tub today. My living room window looks out onto the roof of the adjoining building, so I crawled out there and laid the liner out to dry in the sun (held down by a couple of my weights). Score.

I watched a few South Park episodes this evening. The show is kind of annoying now that the episodes cover everything that happens in real life.

Guess I'll have a banana and peanut butter before bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I feel even better today! Too bad I've changed so many things that I don't know what's caused it.

I tried another route through the "gently rolling hills" this afternoon. Too bad I can't easily upload pics to this crap. Anyways, that road was crazy steep as well, so, after struggling to the top of it and staring dumbfounded at the peaks ahead while I caught my breath, I just sat a spell and enjoyed the sunshine, the view, and the quiet.

I was actually able to have clear thoughts today. Such a glorious thing it is, to think without brain fog!

I sent yet another email to my VocRehab counselor. I received a return receipt, but no response. I'm going to call DOR and complain about this bullshit.

Whenever I ask for advice, the stuff people say seems to make little sense. It's very strange.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Whatever was broken got fixed, and I was able to access the road again today. !!!

I dunno how far I cycled, maybe twenty or twenty-five miles. Looked at the weather report before I left the house and was almost dumbstruck to find the wind classified as calm. There's always wind out in farmland. But it was indeed quite still once I got out there, although the wind picked up a bit during the ride.

I don't know if that ride helped, but I feel better (less tired, particularly) than I did this morning, and I felt better this morning that I've been feeling over the past few weeks. I hope that I will have fixed this fatigue problem before my medical appointment rolls around so that I can cancel the appointment.

My back started hurting far too early in the ride :( 
I should go to the doctor anyway if I'm still having back problems. I know that I should probably stop lifting or lift less, but I hate doing that shit, and my back doesn't hurt much anyhow. I'm hoping the pain was due to poor form and will eventually go away now that I've improved my form...but that may very well be wishful thinking.

I think that I finally really know what it's like to be proud of oneself. Despite having achieved shit in my youth, I never really felt proud or really understood what other people meant about feeling proud of themselves. Doing stuff was just business as usual for me, achievement, hey great, on to the next challenge.

It took time, but I don't think any of it really took much effort. Maybe that's why I never really understood pride. Not that doing that stuff was easy. It was just...or rather, I was...just me. I dunno how to explain it.

But what is not easy is dragging myself up out of this chair when I have fatigue and brain fog and getting shit done. Like that workout this afternoon.

Speaking of workouts, I wish to Allah that I could get an accurate estimate of the calories I burn when I exercise without getting one of those Fitbit thingies. I tried entering the cycling into cronometer and it told me that I'd burned nearly a thousand calories. No. No I didn't.

Last night I dreamt that I was up to some sort of illicit scheme. One or two of my apparent cohorts dropped me off at Harvard. I'm sure the place didn't look the way Harvard looks (I've never seen Harvard), but the sign on the building said "Harvard."

So I went in (I think I was wearing a suit or something similarly dressy) and cased the joint a bit. Went and sat in the student lounge area. Of course shit stopped making sense, that must happen in nearly every dream. There was like some sort of mini freezer that folded out of the little table, and I was excited to find some Eggos in there. Then a toaster appeared and I had a grand old time eating the waffles.

It seemed like I ended up hanging out at Harvard every day for a few days, and a young lady who'd been standing outside near the door the first time I entered saw me around and became attached to me. She started talking to me, and I became nervous, knowing I was up to no good (although I'd forgotten my plan shortly after being dropped off and couldn't remember it after waking either). Well, the dream kind of petered out and ended. She did something nice, I can't remember what.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Clueless clients and their ridiculous expectations. I would be making good money if

ok, I just put on Coltrane and it's making me so sad. But still I listen.

I would be making good money if I converted even half the job invitations I get into actual jobs. Worse than the fact that most of them are outside my specialty, the clients to whom I actually respond tend to be looking for the impossible.

Had someone today looking to have his website content "re-written." But there's no content on the website to re-write! I was like, shall I re-write your lorem ipsum? My Latin isn't up to par. So then I ask him what he wants me to write, what the guidelines are, the word count, etc. He tells me to just learn everything I can about his business and links me to a competitor. ??? The web pages he wants written seem to be organized by category, and I'd have to do some serious digging to figure out how to split up "everything" about his business into those categories. And the price he offered. 25 pages re-written plus research: $75. NO.

Later, another non-English speaker who's had his research paper rejected by a journal. No problem, I can edit the horrific English of these people. Again I have to ask for specific guidelines. He sends me a flurry of documents from the journal (apparently having no idea how to make his paper conform to basic, general guidelines and expecting me to do so). Maybe I should change the tables. Improve the citations (how does one improve citations?). Basically make major content decisions that he should make. I'm just a copyeditor, I told him. I edit content; I don't create it.

Another day wasted! I waited too long to have lunch because I wanted to get some spices for my potatoes. Blood sugar dropped. One good thing: I found a vegan snack at the "dollar" store! (These dollar stores that sell a bunch of crap for way more than one dollar keep popping up.) So I ate and ate from that vegan snack. Blood sugar would not rise for hours. I felt horrible because I had a client waiting on me to finish some work, but I didn't want to risk fouling it up through brain fog. Went way the hell over my caloric allotment. Felt down.

I'm gonna get huge if I don't stop eating so damned much. I think I know what the problem is. My hypoglycemia was the easiest to manage when I was eating that high carb diet. Now that I'm eating this high protein diet (hit over 107 grams today, and only 5 of that was from protein powder), that effect is gone. So I'm gonna go back to my high carb diet. I'll just have to eat more carbs to hit my protein requirements. It'll still end up being fewer calories than I've been eating this week.

Another problem I think that I've figured out: Lifting too damned much. I remember that I decided to stop squatting 5 sets of 5 reps before I lost my apartment, but the reason somehow got twisted around in my head as "just being lazy." No, that routine was too taxing. That must be why my joints have been hurting. So I've been lifting 4 sets of 4 these past two or three workouts. And I feel better. I might go down to 4 sets of 3 or even 3 sets of 3, especially as I increase the weight.

I used to think that the sky was the limit, but now I think that maybe I won't be able to squat much more than 100 lbs., not for any significant number of reps, anyhow. Oh well. This routine is probably optimized for guys anyhow. What I really care about is being able to deadlift heavy.

It seems that I can never learn everything I need to know to be the editor I want to be. I sit here and I try to cram these rules into my head, and I doubt that they are sticking. The basic grammar stuff was relatively easy, but this stuff that I hardly ever come across in my work (what little of it that I have), it's hard to hold on to. There's no way I can memorize it all, so I have to get a "feel" for it, but that's difficult because I don't often encounter the applicable situations. And studying this amount of grammar is boring! I'm overwhelmed.

And what else is there to say. I feel more disconnected than ever from other people.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Why does it seem like days have passed since Iast posted? This is not the first time I've experienced this.

More involuntary movement, involving my legs and feet this time. I have a doctor's appointment the day after tomorrow. I also have another hypothesis about what may be wrong with me: increased micronutrient needs (due to increased workout intensity) and poor nutrient absorption due to low fat intake. Eating more calories made me feel a little better, but it did not eliminate the fatigue.

The fatigue isn't just in my brain anymore; it's in my muscles. I struggled to cycle this past couple of days because my leg muscles were tired.

I feel better in the evenings. This is a medical mystery.

My latest client hasn't sent me any more work, so I'm a bit worried that I won't have any income in the near future.
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