improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Don't think i'll be able to go a whole week without exercising. Maybe i'll try the bike tomorrow or just some walking. I wanted to do some chores today but forbore for fear of depleting myself.

Messaging people on OkC has become easier for me. I guess that's because I only message people I'm not really interested in. Those are the only people I come across. I guess anybody can send a quick greeting when there are no expectations.

I installed Qubes OS on my other partition because I got tired of fiddling with settings every single time I started up Tails OS. Qubes' security is based on applications running in separate VMs: something for which this laptop, with its measly 5 gigs of RAM, isn't well suited. I have to get used to seeing a list of VMs instead of application categories in the Applications menu.

The wind has been blowing wicked hard here for the past few days. The sound is rather pleasant.

I've come to see that I can stop freaking out about things so much by...just not focusing on them. The thought goes through my mind, and I don't follow up; I just let it go. Sometimes letting it go gives me the peace of mind to come back and consider it serenely (rather than anxiously).

Goodnight, John Boy :)
improperlyhuman: (Default)
OkCupid is not the place to find butch lesbians. When the most attractive person you've come across is someone who has apparently medically transitioned, you know it's time to take a break. That made me feel really down :(

I've got some philosophy of science books I've been meaning to read. I know I'm going to have trouble focusing on them, however. That's ok. Everything's ok. I'll just read the sentences over and over again until they stick. Check out my life hacks.

Ah, summer. Spiders taking over the bedroom. I've never seen such clumsy spiders. One just fell off the little ledge of the runner that's at the base of my bedroom walls. The carpet is the perfect color for hiding the little brown bastards. One keeps running around me instead of going off into a corner like spiders normally do.

I'm halfway through The Haunting of Hill House and almost nothing has happened! The characters behave bizarrely, switching rapidly from laughter to terror.

I just had a thought: maybe part of the reason that I struggle to focus on reading is my relatively newfound lack of patience with bad writing. Most things I read are verbose, and it seems that quite a few authors are bad at explaining themselves. I'm probably picking up on this more now that I'm an editor.

I'm cleaning up the kitchen and bathroom much more often now! Good show, improperly. The next goal is keeping the bedroom clean. I always have books scattered all over the floor.

I've learned to pay little attention to people's dating advice/discussion online. I thought that people who are more experienced than me might have some good insight, but a lot of it doesn't apply to me. This is true of advice in general, actually. Even when people ask for advice, I see others not really advising on what's been asked about and instead projecting some shit on the asker and advising on that. Everybody seemingly just talking about themselves when you get down to it.

Oh shit, it's past midnight.

Another reason I stopped paying attention is that the behavior they talk about makes people in general seem awful. I can do without that.

When I have anxious thoughts about the impression I've made or will make, I tell myself that whatever I'm worrying about is ok. I mean that I think the words explicitly, in the moment, right after the worry enters my mind. It's such a simple thought, but it works.

It's ok to have misinterpreted that message as interest. It's ok that that person is slightly irritated with me. It's ok to contact people and get no response. Sometimes I'm kind of side-eyeing my oks, like "is that really ok?" Well, dammit, it has to be ok because the alternative is anxiety, and that's not ok.

You know, it's hard to have no primary relationship. But it's also ok to not have one.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I didn't really feel fatigued today, but I did feel a bit weak when I was lifting. Then it hit me: what if I made those spectacular gains (squatting up to 140, rowing 65, deadlifting 165) not because the caffeine restored my strength, but because of the caffeine itself? What if it acted as a performance enhancing drug, and that's why I can't lift as much even though my fatigue is mostly gone? Hmm.

I am so freakin understimulated.

99% match in my visitors list on okc. Asexual, agender, and non-binary. And in Germany. All my best matches are in freakin Europe!

Shit. I can't pay my energy bill.

I got a response from the editing outfit I applied to. My editing sample was rejected because of one punctuation mistake. This does not bode well. I'm an editor, not a proofreader. If they are expecting perfection, that's gonna be a problem.

I don't wanna go to bed. I never want to go to bed. Another exciting thing that happened day before yesterday was that my book Working the Organizing Experience arrived. I've wanted this book for at least a year. It's about a therapeutic intervention for "autistic," "psychotic," and "schizoid" states and posits a failure to bond in infancy as the cause of these states. Me being a diagnosed schizoid, I wanted to see what it was about. I was somewhat disappointed to see that it's of a psychoanalytic bent. And the writing is not good, like verbose ivory tower not good.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Such an exciting day today. I got another good work prospect. The client sent me a grammar quiz created in Google Forms, but I wasn't able to fill it out because Google wanted me to sign in. I don't have an account.

So I tried to create a Google account as safely and anonymously as possible, but I found out that Google accounts must be verified. No way in hell I'm giving Google my phone number. I spent a lot of time looking for workarounds, then I finally just typed my quiz answers into a text document, and it seems that the client accepted that.

I was quite excited to get email notification that someone had messaged me and expressed interest on one of my dating sites (one of the good ones). And a vegan! And one who didn't appear to be dolled up in femininity at first glance. I was over the moon.

Then I looked at her picture and freaked out. She looks a lot like the caretaker at the womyn's land I visited last summer. She lives in the same state! Has similar physical stats and the same shortish brown wavy hair.


I had to step away from the computer for a bit. The womon I met has (or had?) a girlfriend and my phone number, or she did at some point at least. Her contacting me on a dating site would just be too creepy. And neither of us have paid accounts; she sent me one of those pre-composed icebreaker thingies, so she couldn't say anything specific.

But it's been so long since I saw this womon, and I pay so little attention to faces, and Europeople look so much alike to me that I couldn't be sure that she was the person. I finally calmed down, came back to the computer, and took a closer look at the photo (I'm always hesitant to look too closely at photos on dating sites). I'm 80% sure she's not the same person I met on womyn's land.

I also finally read the profile. A pantheist, eh. I prefer non-religious lesbians but I looked it up. That veganism is everything to me. I also found a way to contact her off-site! So I sent her an email.

As religions go, pantheism seems not crazy, even tolerable. This is my resource: https://people.wku.edu/jan.garrett/panthesm.htm#pwhat

Actually, I'm not sure it even counts as a religion. Well, I haven't finished reading the article and I'm sleepy now, so I'll go into my thoughts about it tomorrow.

Peaceful.

Feb. 8th, 2017 11:19 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Finally got myself away from wasting quite so much time on forums. I've been studying grammar to improve my editing skills, and, as of today, I'm learning Linux programming.

I have a dream of being a freelance programmer. Programming is so much more cut-and-dried than editing: either the program does what it's supposed to do or it doesn't. But I need to build up years of skill. I could do that in no time if I were my younger, less jaded, less rundown self.

Back to the good ole days, the reading and fiddling with computers late into the night. I've only just recently gotten my sleep/wake schedule back to early rising (where I want it to be), and now I'm poised to destroy that.

Got tired of Debian hanging at boot, so I re-installed it. The installation went haywire and installed to the wrong drive, over-writing my old Ubuntu. So I'm looking at other distros to use on the unused drive. I like CentOS, but it's not really a general-use OS (the repos are nearly empty), so I'll probably just use it as a Live USB and install Mint.

Having an OS as a live usb will allow me more secure access to Google Docs (if I ever need to work with Google Docs). Being a derivative of Red Hat, CentOS is also the perfect OS with which to familiarize myself for professional opportunities. I looked into Linux training and the courses cost thousands of dollars. What the hell. So I'll be learning from youtube videos.

I don't even know if there is much of a market for Linux development. But like everyone is focused on web development right now, aren't they? (Yuck). So I'll be in the minority of the minority and maybe can get my foot in the door that way. And maybe the endless tracking on the web will drive the market back to standalone software. Haha. I'm not actually laughing.

I'm in another repulsed-by-people phase, so I took down my dating shite again. Not that there was much to take down this time. I think this one will last a loooong time; forever, I hope. I have better, less random things to do with my life. In addition, some new understanding about my sordid psychosexual history squicked me out so much that my sex drive has departed. Hallelujah.

Actually, I'm not really repulsed by people. I feel that from time to time, but mostly I'm just weary, disinterested, and demoralized. I enjoy them more this way, from afar, when I'm not invested. My life is more peaceful this way. 

I don't seem to be losing any weight, so I was just considering lowering my calories down to about 1000, when I was suddenly weak today and ended up eating a ton: after my navy bean, kale, and millet soup, I went out to Taco Bell for tortilla chips and a bean burrito with rice, then had two Clif Bars. Haven't felt that full in a long time.

I thought I just felt bad because of low blood sugar, but I still felt bad after eating, so, I dunno. I'm lifting heavy again, and maybe I just need more food. Or just more protein. I'm benching more than I ever have: 30 pounds this week.

Actually, I probably just need to finally get my staggered caloric intake planned out instead of eating the same 1100 calories per day.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Was thinking about something that I may want to change about myself when I saw that the change might make me more vulnerable to loneliness or may be impossible to accomplish without a relationship. That made me very worried. I REALLY don't like relying on other people.

I was walking home about a week ago when I saw a womon walking about one block ahead of me across the street. She was dressed in an interesting way, and I was mildly curious and watched her walk for a bit. I could only see her from behind. Then I had a series of not-very-interesting thoughts that I can't remember (the last bit was something about people wanting to interact with others they find interesting), and suddenly the thought that I'm not ready for a relationship hit me. 

I didn't decide it, it just came to me, totally unbidden. It didn't seem related to the person walking or the thoughts I had while watching her, but I suppose it must have been in some way. It felt firm and settled and calm, not upset and intensely ambivalent, like I usually feel when I think about the subject. It was a peaceful thought-event: "You aren't ready for this." No condemnation or worry or anger or frustration or resentment or despair. Though I was surprised at how peaceful it was, I felt no need to dwell on it and continued my day in peace, and have felt mostly at peace since it happened.

This forms the background in relation to which I saw the possible implications of the change I'm considering. No, I don't want to type out what it is, but it is something I've mentioned before.

Where did that tranquility go? I'm know I'm feeling bad when I get that hollow pain in my chest. I had (and have) no idea what to do. I was suddenly moved to ask something about the change I wanted to make, but I've no one to ask. I can't afford online therapy. The one therapist in town never answered my calls.

I need to sleep on it for tonight.

Earlier today, I spilled my guts in an email to my VA social worker. I losing my ability to handle the logistics of apartment-searching. I found a couple of apartments online and scrambled my processor trying to plan out how to get to them, when in the application process to ask the social worker and/or the housing coordinator to help (never again will I pursue an apartment by myself; I'll just get denied).

So I told the social worker that I'm overwhelmed. She probably won't be able to do much and I'll have to pull myself together. But the money to visit these places is one thing that I can't just pull together.

Shit, I need to cut my fingernails.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I found a way out of town! A way that leads to a larger town. That last country road I found doesn't really go anywhere, just to some tiny rural towns. At least, I assume that they are tiny. I rode for a bit today, but the wind was against me, so I turned around about 10 miles outside of town. I was on a levee road with farms stretching out below me as far as I could see. The sun was shining and the view was gorgeous. Almost no cars whatsoever were on the road. It was a good workout.

Came home ready for some baked sweet potatoes. I don't know what these things are in the picture below, but they aren't any sort of sweet potato I'm used to. I'm used to an orangish vegetable.

Sometimes I think I'd rather just stay alone because people are repulsive and thinking about...ew, nevermind. That's me thinking of people as one giant group again. I don't expect to find one special person anyways. Will probably end up alone regardless of what I do.

I need to start checking the weather regularly, and I need to familiarize myself with wind speeds so that I know when when it's too windy to ride.

I've stopped guzzling water at night, and I'm sleeping much better. Maybe it has something to do with not getting up to use the bucket three times a night, but I've gotten up that many times to use the bathroom at night before and I was sleeping ok. Now that I'm drinking less at night, I wake up feeling a bit headachy.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Jesus in hell I found a gorgeous specimen on an online dating site! She's about 17 years older than me. Maybe I am not mature enough for her :( She's the kind of sexy that makes me want to clean up my apartment.

It's a moot point at this point because I can't afford to upgrade my account to message her. Wish I had saved my money for this site instead of blowing it on OkCupid.

After half a day's worth of procrastination, I finally signed up for a Wix account so that I could start building my professional website. The next step is to choose a template and fill in my details. I'm feeling uneasy about this. I'm worried that my website (especially the text) won't be professional enough. But I hardly had any idea about what I was doing when I started freelancing, and that's turned out ok so far, so, keeping that in mind, I shall forge ahead and do the best that I can.

I forced myself away from the computer and biked down a back country road this afternoon. I'm kind of excited because of this bike route. It could be a roundabout route to the nearest larger town. There's no shoulder or bike lane, and the road is narrow, but I'm heartened because of an article I read about "claiming the lane." The article is about confidently cycling nearer the center of the lane so that drivers can see us easily and be forced to go around. My experience of trying to stay as far right as possible mirrors the author's experience: drivers try to stay in the lane and squeeze by me, which is much more dangerous.

My new EBT card hasn't arrived yet (of course), so I don't know when I'll be able to do January's grocery shopping. I just bought a bit of food, and I still have eight dollars' worth of cash (not food stamp) benefits left on my current card. That should carry me through until the new card arrives.

Slowly I get back into my old rhythms. I'm almost re-accustomed to making my breakfast the night before. I'm lifting three times per week and cycling six days per week. I'm weighing my food again (not quite so content with being on a diet this time, however).

The apartment doesn't look awful (mainly because I don't have much stuff), but it needs work and I'm limited in how much I can tidy up because I don't have anywhere to put anything. My closet is full of my mom and sister's bags of stuff that were recovered from the fire. Nowhere to put all my books. I intend to get rid of some of these books.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I accomplished a lot of nothing today. I looked for US-made underwear and found it rather expensive. I looked for US-made weights and couldn't find any that weren't made out of something toxic or coated with something toxic.

The apartment is still a mess. I'm still stepping over piles of books. Stuff that belongs to my mom and sister is here, and I have no room for it.

I've been using a to-do list to get things done. I need the to-do list even if the things are to be done the same day, or within the next few hours. I've developed a bit of ADD and need something to keep me on task. I spend the whole day online, probably because focusing on being in the here and now (in this apartment) is too depressing, but I can barely pay attention long enough to read anything.

The last of the fleas must be dying off. I slept outside of the tent and didn't get bitten least night. I still can't sleep well though. I must have put a hole in the bag of buckwheat hulls because I can see them spilled on the carpet.

In addition to the thin walls, the windows fogging up when it rains, the lack of space, the poor location, the steep steps, the sticking windows, the kitchen cabinets that won't close, and the smoke/CO2 alarm that goes off if I shower without the bathroom fan, the electricity shuts off from time to time. It shut off last night and I nearly froze to death. My energy bill is going to be high.

Given that I dislike and can't get comfortable with dating, I don't know how I'm going to build a relationship with anyone. Some of the other INTJs met their partners online, but there aren't a lot of people who socialize enough online to even build the interest that would lead to a relationship.

I got turned down for another apartment today :(

Tomorrow's goals are to get local garbage service started, clear the floor, stew the apples and pears I have with breakfast, and put a garbage bag in the kitchen. I've been setting trash on the goddamned counters. I also need to deploy my secret weapon to get rid of the remaining flies. Maybe clip toenails as well.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I think I'm going to have to give up on radical politics as a preferred girlfriend trait. It is so hard; it is so important to me. But I see a path to getting over it...

Stupidly, I've just now come to really see that almost no one knows much about anti-civ, radical feminism, even anarchism, even among the vegan and environmentally conscious set.

I hate my life. I can never get what the hell I want, dammit.

What's worse is that there are so few butch lesbians :( Dealing with femininity conformity is worse than statist politics.

Finally went to the hardware store to get another plank of wood to squat on. All they have is two-by-fours and varnished shelves! I hate this town. It exists on the edge of the world. I got turned down for another apartment today.

Struggling to get my life together. Can't concentrate on work because I'm focused on making social connections right now. Finally unpacked most of my stuff, but now there are piles and piles of books all over the floor in both the bedroom and the living room to trip over. My sweet potatoes are molding! Still got two or three flies in here that I cannot get rid of.

Finally going to bed early. Hope to restart my early rising routine as of tomorrow morning.

Flies

Dec. 14th, 2016 11:26 pm
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
I finally got some sleep on those buckwheat hulls.

I was super bored this evening due to lack of someone to talk to.

I finally figured out that my OkCupid search was set to "women interested in women" instead of lesbians. So I filtered the match results down to lesbians only; now I only have like ten matches, and most of the match scores are low. I won't be using that site much anymore; just leaving the profile up in case a vegan comes along.

OkC sent me an email about regions of the world that had the best and worst matches for me. The United States was the second worst country, lol.

I need to focus my search on a vegan dating website.

i have somewhere between three and five flies in my apartment, and I cannot get rid of them. I've been leaving windows open, but they never fly outside. I tried luring them to the window with light (candles) and even turning off my bedroom light to make the candle more visible. I've tried swatting them gently towards the window, but they always turn around and fly back into the room in a zigzag pattern.

I don't know what to do! I don't want to kill them. I've never known flies that did not want to get outside, nor have I known flies that so boldly land on me and stuff near me. One landed in a container that I was eating out of! I was holding it in my hand.

No more organic potatoes at the grocery store this evening! I was disappointed.

I embarked upon a grand adventure by disassembling my laptop. I removed and replaced the processor, but, alas, nothing has changed. I guess it's over :( It's so hard to say goodbye.

Seems like I've gained weight in the last week...

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I don't understand why people fill out their OkC profiles with like one or two sentences only.

I was about to message someone about ten minutes ago, and I found out that I can't send messages without having a picture on my profile! What a bunch of bullshit. Probably a bunch of harassing dudes motivated that rule.

I don't like uploading my picture to dating sites because I don't like the idea of being seen by the creepy, visually-focused and/or shallow people who cruise pics with no interest in people's personalities. I know they're out there and it really squicks me out. So now I'll have to upload some b.s. picture of my elbow or something. Actually, maybe I won't bother. I don't have any suitable matches yet anyhow.

I'm listening to Light My Fire. I like to listen to it and channel the 70s that I should have been born in.

Finally got my work done and finally got some sleep last night, so I can finally start getting my act together. I'm gonna assemble my power rack tomorrow. I should be putting the screws back in my spinning bike tonight so that I can hop on it first thing tomorrow morning.

When I'm at home, I spend all my time in my room because that's the only part of the apartment where I can't hear my neighbor. I've got a modem, a heater, four computers, and four electrical outlets. Most of my belongings are still in bags, piled up in the living room with my bike laid across the top like an offering on a pyre. I'm not even sure what a pyre is, and I refuse to look it up because I like to learn words in context only.

I used to think it was mentally destructive to imagine having a compatible girlfriend because I thought that maybe that would just increase the disappointment I'd feel after not finding one. This morning, I thought maybe it's a good thing because it helps me to know what I want and gives me the hopeful outlook I find useful for fending off frustration, anxiety, and pessimism.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Self-publishing and e-books are a pock on the industry of the written word. The gates have been opened up to the riff-raff, and they are rushing in to fill it with trash. Self-published e-books sometimes pop up in my Amazon search results. I don't even have to click on them to see that they are trash. E-book farmers are constantly posting jobs, offering to exploit writers with absurdly low wages in exchange for all of the rights to their low-budget novellas with stock plots.

Just this evening, someone made a job post about converting e-books from "gay to straight and straight to gay," recycling the plots but changing all the sex scenes. The hell??? Is nothing sacred? This is a new low for e-book production. I certainly don't think that every book that came out of the long era of privileged access to book publishers was good, but at least people actually wrote. Someone on a forum I used to frequent said that he was putting out a new fiction e-book every two weeks. NO. It is not humanly possible to put out a decent book in two weeks, no matter how short it is. And who the hell are buying these books?!

While I was looking up yet more information about lowering body fat percentage, I came across a warning about under-eating while on a workout regimen, and it hit me! The lingering soreness and the fatigue probably are due to my not recovering from my workouts, and it's not the lack of sleep but the lack of food that is preventing the recovery. I added more split peas to my dinner. I had actually decreased the amount of oat bran I prepared for breakfast just a few hours before I came across this article, so I went back and added oat bran for tomorrow's breakfast.

It had previously occurred to me that I eat way to little to maintain a weightlifting routine, but I just sort of forgot about it because I hardly ever feel very hungry. I'm not happy about eating more, but I'm definitely going to try it because it could be preventing me from working out at all. I was finally able to lift tonight after three days off, and my left arm was still a bit sore; I barely made it through my squat reps. Deadlifted 75 lbs. though! Lifting my body weight is not as big of a deal as I thought. At this rate, I'll be lifting 110 lbs. in no time.

I'm in a good mood this evening. I'm listening to Tony Bennett, who has great tunes. I'm happy that I solved (I think) my lifting problem. I actually dozed off a bit this afternoon! Closest thing to a nap I can hope for. I have a bit more energy than I've had these past few days, and I got some work done this evening. Also, I made a couple of comments on a forum on an interesting thread, and the discussion didn't turn sour. Maybe it will later, but I'm out and done with it already. A small thing, but it made me feel good.

I feel like I want a girlfriend again. It feels more psychologically healthy to want that, but wanting it also makes me afraid. Wanting things that aren't easy to get can be very unpleasant. I like being in control of my ability to achieve things. Wanting stuff that I'm not able to 100% rely on myself to get is foreign and profoundly unsettling to me. I wanted to join the military and I did it. I wanted a physics degree and I got one. I wanted to try living in my car and I did it. I wanted to be an editor, and I've made myself into one. I wanted to lose twenty pounds and I did it. I had control of most of the variables in all of those situations.

Adding other people to the mix takes many of the variables out of my hands and adds a bunch of other variables. This is one of the reasons why I always hated group work in school: I knew that I couldn't rely on the other students the way I could rely on myself; I knew that my grade and I were at the mercy of their likely mediocre contributions.

Dating or even trying to get a date is a thousand zillion times worse than group work. One never knows what one will get into. I hate the uncertainty and I hate feeling like an absolute fool for willingly and knowingly putting myself into awkward situations that are rich in potential to give me ugly memories for years to come. I don't even get the meager satisfaction of blaming someone else because I know and can never forget that it was me who put up that dating profile, it was me who answered that message, it was me who jumped into the randomness, it was all me. Knowing the possible consequences, I involved myself. For all my willpower (and I have shit tons), I can't break the human nature that keeps driving me into such situations. Hate myself.

I was actually meant to be a velociraptor, not a human being. It's a horrible birth defect. My spirit animal is a velociraptor.

I've tried to read my new novel. I can't sustain attention. :(

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