I lost another bike lock today. I was suddenly very tired after lunch (and the plastic container my curry came in half melted in the co-op microwave), and the problem with my highest bike gear had finally come to a head. I had to take the wheels into the shop because I couldn't deal with the noises and strange behavior and because I don't want to take the chance that it's not in tip-top shape for tomorrow.
I must have lost the lock somewhere along that little adventure. I don't even have the energy to go look for it, and it'll probably be gone by the time I go back. I'll just have to buy another. More money this fire is costing me.
I can't figure out how to get my pictures off of this new Android Obamaphone.
While I was lying awake last night listening to the snoring shelter residents (we have a new one who has the bunk right across from me. which I thought was for veterans. I was told that female veterans had a separate area in the shelter. We don't.), I decided on a feminist activism plan. One that requires no social interaction. A flyer campaign.
Maybe now I have some idea of what people mean by "the meaning of life." Maybe they don't necessarily believe that there is some universal meaning; maybe they just want a reason to go on living despite all the bullshit. I guess my flyer campaign is going to be my reason. I will do it for posterity. It seems there is not much more I can do for myself. Or my contemporaries. Housed or not, I am so psychologically tired. The catcalling is draining me. What can I do? I'm powerless to stop it.
I have an appointment to see the apartment I found yesterday. I'll have to bike ten miles to get there. My VA social worker won't give me a ride because she's off on Fridays. I wonder, is she getting a four-day-a-week paycheck?
Another man in the dorm this morning. This one gave us about fifteen minutes notice that the entire bathroom would be shut down for construction "about a day." So I got of bed and rushed in there to take a shower. The shower head wouldn't work, and as I was about to go behind the curtain to the other shower area, someone who sounded rather upset said "please don't come in." I don't even know what that was about. History of sexual trauma? Extreme modesty?
I didn't want to bother her but I needed a shower, dammit, especially since I thought that I'd be able to go see the apartment this afternoon. But she had the only working shower head, so I had to wait anyhow. She took forever and even started to get dressed in the shower instead of the dressing area! It was past shower closing time once I finally got under the water and someone came in and gave me a stern warning. How many times can I say it: this shelter is bullshit.
On top of the aforementioned bullshit, I found out at lunch duty yesterday that staff gets more food than the residents. What the hell?
Shit. I keep forgetting to call Legal Aid about getting remunerated for asbestos damage to my stuff.
In her book about feminism, which is intended to represent "black women," bell hooks says that (female) feminists should put forth the effort to explain to men how feminism will benefit them. She also wrote that poor minority men do not benefit from abusing and raping womyn. Wonder why the hell they do it, then?! What a stupid thing to print.
Why can't people get it through their heads that men engage in misogynistic abuse because they enjoy it? Why else would they do something that *no one* is forcing or even encouraging them to do, something for which they could face prison time?
It drives me batty when people say that "society" makes men violent. It's a huge obfuscation of culpability. Society is a huge faceless abstraction, placing the blame on which has no practical use.
Society is made up of individual people. Who among these individual people is encouraging, coercing, or forcing men to be violent? Surely not everyone, because womyn aren't quite stupid enough to engineer their own abuse on a societal scale. Children aren't doing it.
Are men making other men violent? What about all the men who assault, rape, and murder when no one but their victims are around? Who's forcing or encouraging them to commit those acts? Why would men choose to associate with men who tell them to act against their inclinations, to risk imprisonment in some cases?
People cling to such obvious nonsense, my goodness. I guess they're faring better with their nonsense than I am with reality.
I read part of a book on the Enneagram in Oregon. I read about my type, type 5. The defining characteristic of type 5 is non-attachment. That at least seemed spot on, and it seemed to get to the core of what I hate about people: they are too attached to shit. Too attached to their culture, their religion, their upbringing, their shitty friends/relatives/lovers, their unrealistic beliefs, their delicate egos. Anything and everything. But that level of attachment is "normal," isn't it? Maybe that has something to do with those shrinks telling me that I'm a schizoid: I don't get attached enough to put up with bullshit, and that's abnormal.
Only when I think of the group of people on whom normal psychology is based do I see how truly bullshitty psychology is. These are people who've managed to stay relatively sane and happy living in one of the most violent, racist societies that ever existed: the United States. What kind of person comes out of that sane? A clueless person? A callous person? A very privileged person? Maybe a resilient person. Or maybe a person who lives in a fantasy.
I'm not attached to my family because they're dysfunctional and provincial. I'm not attached to U.S. culture because it's violent and destructive; I'm not attached to ADOAS subculture because it doesn't suit my personality. I'm not attached to people in general because I've rarely enjoyed myself with them and continually find them to be ugly in nature. I'm not attached to religion because it's just a bunch of lies, myths, and attempts to control. I'm not attached to sex because I'm not attached to people. I'm not attached to my career because I'm not attached to capitalism, money, or material things. Now that I can read again, I'm much less attached to computers, although they are on my list of favorite things.
In fact, I deliberately cultivate non-attachment because I'm anti-civ. Gotta walk the walk, gotta be ready for the apocalypse. And so much material shit is toxic, unnecessary, and produced through exploitation that remaining unattached to it is rather easy.
The thing to which I'm the most attached is the truth. The truth loosens all other attachments. All that other stuff people get attached to requires a lot of lying (especially to oneself), ignorance, and closing one's eyes to things. I can't do it. I'm also attached to knowledge, but that's secondary to my attachment to truth. Definitely attached to music, which attaches me to my instruments somewhat.
I bet I'll have another kitchen duty waiting for me on the chore list when I get back to the shelter. Then I'll have the night to try to convince someone to take it so that I can make my appointment tomorrow. I don't even know these people's names. I don't know whom I should complain to about the less than 24-hours notice for chores. I'm tempted to say nothing and just take the write-up. I don't have a lot of respect for this program. Obviously.
Now it's time to figure out what's for dinner. Maybe I'll blow some more money on vegan pizza. The homeless food challenge is to feel full without getting fat or too malnourished. Some malnourishment is unavoidable.
I got an automated call about eligibility for student loan forgiveness persuant to something Congress passed. I was told to stay on the line to speak to a rep, but I hung up. Forgive them or not, I can't and won't pay them, and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Maybe I'll look up that act Congress supposedly passed. An automated phone call as a notice seems shady.