improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-21 10:52 pm
Entry tags:

Unhappy emotions :(

Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just be...me accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-13 10:30 pm
Entry tags:

It's That Time Again

Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-12 10:02 pm
Entry tags:

Hella Chill

The shrink still up to b.s. Today there was a wicked long silence after I spoke during our session, so I asked whether she had anything to say. She said she hadn't wanted to interrupt me, so I said that I'd finished. Then she had to nerve to tell me I that wasn't finished speaking! The hell?

Still looking for emotions that aren't there as well. I told her that I was angry, but she kept looking. I bet if I lied and told her what she expected to hear, she'd believe me.

I showed my frustration but was in general hella chill about all this. I've begun, however, to consider leaving therapy. She's not helping me. I'm actually being hindered by having to field all her crap before we can get down to the actual issues I bring up. I'm doing a great job of identifying my own problems, and I'm starting to see the way to solve them as well, particularly with the reading I've been doing.

She seems to persist in the belief that I see her to have someone to talk to, despite my telling her multiple times that that isn't the case. So she sits there silently, offering me no solutions.

I bought some natural sleeping pills. They definitely help me to fall asleep, but the problem of waking up too early persists. So, rather than trying to force myself into a sleeping schedule, I'm just gonna stay up as long as I want and see if the resulting exhaustion helps me to sleep long enough. I always feel great in the evenings and want to stay up forever to accomplish all the things I couldn't do during the day.

I went back and read some of Jung's Psychological Types. I found it much more understandable this time. That lack of brain fog makes a helluva difference. So I decided that INTP fits me best. Maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of what Jung wrote; INTP is, after all, a classification of Myers-Briggs, which is based on, but not identical to, Jung's typology. Eh whatevs.

I'm re-growing my duck tail, a bigger duck tail that will be a nice heavy braid (I hope). I cut off the little rat tail I had, which looked stupid because my hair back there was two different lengths.

I think I did something stupid in my mental haze the other day. I filled out a W-9 and gave the editing company my social security number. That wasn't safe. Well, at least my credit is already horrible, so they can't ruin it or get credit cards or whatever in my name. And maybe they are legit and just have shitty hiring practices. I guess I should call SSA. Shit. All this trouble because I'm having to work when I'm too ill to do so. Can't get unemployment and can't get SSDI. Trapped in the system.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-02 11:24 pm
Entry tags:

Post-Exertional Malaise

I felt good today, so I cleaned up a bit. Suddenly felt tired once I sat down :(

So today was another caffeine day. I had one Peanut Toffee Buzz Cliff bar and a Red Bull Zero instead of two bars to cut down on calories. I'm going to have to eat less now that I'm not exercising.

I can see now that I will have to go some time not lifting at all, maybe not exercising at all. I was hoping to simply cut down, but that's clearly not going to work if simply going through some piles of paper make me tired.

The caffeine somehow simultaneously gave me laser focus and nervous energy. I suppose I had a bit more than I needed. I was suddenly compelled to play a computer game for hours. I'd never been able to stick with a computer game for that long. Didn't get shit ready for tomorrow (grocery day) like I was supposed to.

My life is such a mess. 1.5 years housed, then my apartment burns down. A couple months out of the damned shelter, then I gnt sick and can't figure out why. I've been dealing with this fatigue for four and a half months now. I looked back in my journal to see if I'd changed anything in particular when it started. I first posted about it in mid-February. That's when I decided to increase my protein intake and started taking the hemp protein powder. Nothing really stands out.

So no lifting for one week. I've already freakin forgotten proper deadlifting technique. Shitty kinesthetic intelligence.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-01 01:20 pm

Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places

I'm trying to improve my sleep hygiene, but it seems that both the depth and duration of my sleep are worse than ever (or the same but previously unnoticed). I don't understand what is keeping me awake; I certainly have been feeling tired, and I haven't had much on my mind at bedtime.

Once again I feel more tired the second day after a weightlifting workout than the day after. At least I don't feel as tired as I have been feeling
; that tells me that pursuing light workouts is helpful. I really want some caffeine, but I'm concerned that it will disturb my sleep tonight. Anyways, I'm too tired to get up, shower, and get dressed, and, after having put off laundry for so long, I doubt that I have anything dry to wear anyhow.

I think it finally fully hit me today that everything social I've been doing or considering doing is but the means to an end that I can never reach. The most important thing in the world to me is social harmony, healthy societies. I won't ever be a part of one, so I'll basically need to spend the rest of my life being distracted from that need. How depressing. I've begun to wonder whether some of activities I do by myself are just ways to distract myself from this huge hole in my life. Reading romance novels, maybe.

I have shown evidence of this priority before. All the times I posted about ambivalence about looking for a girlfriend, I sub-consciously knew that I was trying to satisfy this broad social instinct with a one-on-one relationship.

I've sought small, cheap replacements for social satisfaction in online forums, but the online world merely reflects fleshspace in its social fragmentation and dysfunction. I found myself confused by the juxtaposition of the urge to participate and the frustration and disgust participation occasioned me. Today I figured out the disgust: Online forums don't necessarily operate as groups so much as they operate as information cannons that fire unwanted personal details at me. I read the threads for high-level ideas, not to hear about strangers marriages (yuck).

I never much cared for friends because the small group social environment, even moreso than the one-on-one relationship, is not nearly as important to me as the societal social environment. And groups of friends can't really replace a healthy society. I had the least interest in friends when I was younger, when I still had a (false) sense of social unity. I felt and feel drawn to anarchists, vegan, and feminists because those ideologies encompass the values I would like to see more or less reflected in society. I wouldn't care nearly as much if society weren't misogynistic, brutally violent, and opposed to freedom. Of course, those ideologies wouldn't exist if that were the case.

Friends, girlfriends, acquaintances, therapists, co-workers, activity partners, none of them can give me what I want the most. They aren't big enough to create a society in which people can live without fear of other society members. They can't provide freedom. They can't make sure everyone is treated fairly and properly integrated into the group and has enough to eat. They can't keep anyone from polluting the air, soil, and water. They can't make it safe to trust random people. The most they can be is an island in a hostile sea. That's not good enough for me. I feel entitled to more.

So that's it. I think something that's a bit of salt in the wound is the knowledge that some people actually expect society to improve. It won't, not significantly, not fundamentally.

I have said this before: switching my focus to smaller, more contained, more manageable aspects of my life (such as my "career") is a relief. That kind of stuff has a solution, more importantly, a solution I can manage more or less by myself. The sense of hopelessness about the global social situation comes from the knowledge that solving it requires so many people with so many differing and conflicting wants, needs, and perspectives to work together (this is part of the reason why I consider tribes the ideal human social structure). But improperlyhuman (and VoR) can improve my job situation. That's no big deal.

I wonder if the shrink will believe me if I tell her that this is my core problem. I fear that she won't. First we will have a conversation about her believing what I say about my motivations, and then I'll see if that seems to make her any more receptive.

All I can do is save up, move away, and donate my time to the causes. Horrible feeling of powerlessness.

I think all this became clear to me because I have thinking about the Social Instinct, the Instincts (social, sexual, and self-preservation) being a sort of typology often used in connection with the Enneagram to understand and describe personality.

Next time, I would like to post about perspectives I can take to make this less miserable, but I usually forget about such posting agendas I set for myself.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-26 11:11 pm
Entry tags:

I Had To

Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on cronometer.com, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-24 11:50 pm

dying of freakin boredom!

Don't think i'll be able to go a whole week without exercising. Maybe i'll try the bike tomorrow or just some walking. I wanted to do some chores today but forbore for fear of depleting myself.

Messaging people on OkC has become easier for me. I guess that's because I only message people I'm not really interested in. Those are the only people I come across. I guess anybody can send a quick greeting when there are no expectations.

I installed Qubes OS on my other partition because I got tired of fiddling with settings every single time I started up Tails OS. Qubes' security is based on applications running in separate VMs: something for which this laptop, with its measly 5 gigs of RAM, isn't well suited. I have to get used to seeing a list of VMs instead of application categories in the Applications menu.

The wind has been blowing wicked hard here for the past few days. The sound is rather pleasant.

I've come to see that I can stop freaking out about things so much by...just not focusing on them. The thought goes through my mind, and I don't follow up; I just let it go. Sometimes letting it go gives me the peace of mind to come back and consider it serenely (rather than anxiously).

Goodnight, John Boy :)
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
2017-06-23 11:18 pm

Time to Rest

I feel quite good today. I'm giving myself time to rest rather than jumping back into my exercise routine or chores as soon as I start to feel better. Perhaps I will take another week off. I have stopped drinking caffeine; I suspect it's responsible for my water retention (and misshapen ankles). I still have most of my same old problems today, but I feel at peace because I'm so relieved to not have brain fog.

I revised the single punctuation error I committed on my editing test and was accepted as a contractor. The pay rates are low (and more abysmal with increasing word count), but I can mitigate against that somewhat by completing rush jobs only. I am trying to keep in mind that I only need to save up a bit to move away; then I can pursue traditional employment (I hope).

I'm kind of dying for something to read here. I don't feel like going through my volumes on classic sci-fi or old school lesbian/"variant" lit to  choose my next novel. I want to read Gifts Differing to understand the Myers-Briggs typology better, but the shitty library doesn't own a copy and I can't really afford the four dollars an ebay copy will cost me. Hell, maybe I'll just buy it anyways. I always blow a few dollars here and there when I'm crazy broke and things always work out in the end anyways.

The local book store will be closed for another two weeks. I have Treasure Island and a couple of volumes of gothic fiction. I have (what I think is) the latest of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, but I've grown rather tired of Lestat, all the vampiric drama, and the huge cast of characters.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
2017-06-22 07:42 pm
Entry tags:

aint this some bullshit

I was so happy that I was the only passenger on the little shuttle out of town today. Gloriously quiet ride. I tried to get some snacks at the dollar store next to the transportation center before my connecting bus arrived because it was time to eat, but the store literally never has more than two cashiers working and literally always has a bunch of people with baskets full of shit in line, so I had to leave to avoid missing my bus.

I waited forever for the doctor again. He said that my swelling feet and ankles are caused by water retention (!). The results of my vitamin d3 test weren't available (it's been three weeks since I had blood drawn for that!). He said that I didn't look my "normal" happy self. This was the second time he'd ever seen me.

He said that I have two options: a sleep study or medication. Well the sleep study isn't going to help because I can't sleep in strange places. He said that he would try to wrangle it so that I could get a home sleep study. But in the meantime, medication. First he said the medication was for nerve problems or something, so I didn't understand what he was offering.

Then when I started complaining about side-effects, he told me that he was prescribing an SSRI! A goddamned anti-depressant! I kind of lost it a little bit. I told him this was crazy because I'm not depressed. But what else can I do? I can't live my life tired all the time. So I just said ok. I was despondent after I left. I couldn't decide whether I'd take the medication or not.

But I thought of something on my way home (which included missing the bus): I feel a little better now that I'm not exercising. As much as I want to exercise, I'm probably better off toning it down than taking Celexa for a month.

So I took the later bus back to where the shuttle picks up and tried to get some cereal from the dollar store next to the transportation center because I have leftover almond milk from the last time I gave in to buying my beloved Nutty Nuggets and I'm sick of eating the food I have and too tired to cook.

Once again, only two cashiers were available and the people in line ahead of me were unloading a bomb shelter's worth of food. so I put my two boxes of rice crispies on top of the soda machine, got out of line, and left, just as I'd put my back brush, pistachios, and pretzels on top of the soda machine and left four hours earlier.

ha! that motormouth guy who rides the shuttle back into town Thursday evenings didn't show up today despite the driver's waiting nearly a quarter of an hour extra for him. thank goodness! shit, my next appointment is also on a thursday. the rheumatologist only comes on thursdays. and it turned out that I would have had enough time to buy those two boxes of cereal, dammit.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-21 11:29 pm

Waiting for my millet stew...

now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-19 10:41 pm
Entry tags:

The Symptom

I became angry this evening while I was sitting next to the highway outside the laundromat and waiting for my laundry to dry. It was a surprisingly oblique anger, something I cannot remember ever having experienced before, something I struggled to recognize as anger. I suppose that is because anger wasn't the primary emotion. The primary emotion seemed to be a kind of confused, scattered anxiety.

There was something mildly ominous about the way the thoughts snuck up, as through cracks in my mind, forming and playing out, seemingly without my control. Yet they were so similar in content to my by now typical anxious thoughts about what people think of me. It was as if part of me (the body, perhaps) was relaxed while another part (the mind?) seemed to gradually succumb to these bitter fantasies of others' thoughts and the attendant worries. But perhaps the succumbing was not so gradual, but only gradual entered my consciousness.

And then, as I sat wondering at these destructive and random ruminations, and perhaps still partially "asleep" in my relaxation, something began to seep upwards though the holes that had been created by the anxiety-provoking scenarios: the incoherent, foreign-seeming anger.

I wondered that I should be angry about things that had very likely never happened, thoughts people likely had not entertained. But those things were not what angered me. The anxiety angered me. The stress, the wondering, the worrying, the insecurity. The lack of a comfortable groove to fit into, the feeling distanced from everyone.

It's madness. I scarcely know these people. These awful thoughts come to me unbidden. The really absurd thing is that I don't, in a sense, much care about what they think. I drop down into sub-conscious worry out of a sub-conscious need to cover all the bases, to keep myself ahead of the game, in a favorable position. Something that's not always possible.

Just a thought, right? I needn't dwell on it. It's just that I'm usually more or less conscious of descending into anxious thoughts and feel that I am directing them, however unwillingly. But not this time. Strange. I was comfortable and in a content and thoughtful mood...then irritated. In between, a blurry transition that I didn't quite get a look at.

I'm listening to some Tony Bennett/Bill Evans recordings as I type this. Why do I say that; scarcely anyone knows who they are. I hate it when people name their favorite artists in their profiles (especially when the list of artists is long). I think to myself, don't you realize that there are a million different music artists, and a ton of people will not recognize anyone on your list?

Anyways, the recordings made me sad when I first put the music on. I've wanted to be a pianist my whole life. I asked my dad for piano lessons when I was young, surely no more than 8 or 9. Of course I never got the lessons. I remember strategically not asking for other things, vainly hoping that someone would notice and decide to apply the saved money to piano lessons. I wonder if any of them ever noticed when I was a "good kid."

Oh, yes. The symptom. Another of the symptoms the rheumatologist warned me about. I'd noticed it before but paid it little attention. Swollen joints. My ankles and my feet look swollen. I can't think of what may have caused them to swell. On one or two occasions, I've felt a strange, sharp, burning pain in my ankles. Last night, my right ankle fell asleep despite my not having it in a position favorable to falling asleep. I was simply sitting in this chair.

The swelling is subtle and unaccompanied by other physical symptoms; I struggled to feel confident that I was actually seeing swelling. Well, I took pictures on Obamaphone 2, so the doctor can decide.

I sat outside the laundromat for a while, and, staring at the cobbled pavement, visualized what would happen if I had lupus, got sicker, began to deteriorate on my way to dying. Such morbid shit is not uncommon with me.

I came across another good editing project based on Google Docs. So I finally got a Google account today. I signed up in the library. I had planned out a way to get around the phone verification, but I didn't need the plan. Though it did not work before, I signed up as a teenager and, as the online tip promised, was not asked to verify my account. I think a Google account that I created at the library's IP address, without my real name, age, country, or other identifying information attached, that I intend to use only through Tor, is a sufficiently safe setup.

Look at all this trifling bullshit I'm going on about. I'm in a strange mood this evening, I suppose.

Summer is here and it is a horror. The heat never lets up inside the apartment. I can't afford to run the air conditioning for very long, and it is during the day so hot outside that opening windows makes the apartment hotter if anything. That would all be endurable if only I could freely open the windows at night. But with nightfall a wild and alarming variety of insects show up at the windows. Unlike the increasingly common spiders, the small specimens cannot coexist peacefully, for they cease their mad whirling about the light fixtures as soon as I turn the lights off and begin to hop on and off my legs, preventing sleep.

The day before yesterday, I entertained my second large specimen, a creature I at first mistook for another unholy-sized cockroach. I was using the bathroom when she crawled in, huge and copper and attention-grabbing. My sounds of frustration morphed into sounds of disgust and horror as I saw her suddenly take flight just inside the bathroom door as she came towards me.

In the next hour or so I spent trying to catch her unharmed (her speed was not so hideously great as the giant cockroach's had been), I decided that she was some sort of beetle. Lacking the long, monstrously waving cockroach antennae, she was not so unpleasant to behold, and I noticed the richness of her copper color.

My diet is proceeding thus: I have (or rather, my metabolism has) reached the point at which I simply won't be bothered to eat so much, yet what I do eat seems, by the hunger pangs, insufficient.
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
2017-06-15 10:59 pm
Entry tags:

Road Trips. They're Important.

I've got it. It's lifting weight on insufficient sleep. That's what is sucking the life out of me.

I'm going to turn hetero so I can date Jason Mewes. Like omg. These lesbians, I can't. Won't date womyn who don't have a career because she wants someone who can afford to go on road trips. Road trips.

And what is it with class-privileged, white-privileged people and traveling all over the world? Stay your ass home.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-13 10:32 pm

It Was The Caffeine

I didn't really feel fatigued today, but I did feel a bit weak when I was lifting. Then it hit me: what if I made those spectacular gains (squatting up to 140, rowing 65, deadlifting 165) not because the caffeine restored my strength, but because of the caffeine itself? What if it acted as a performance enhancing drug, and that's why I can't lift as much even though my fatigue is mostly gone? Hmm.

I am so freakin understimulated.

99% match in my visitors list on okc. Asexual, agender, and non-binary. And in Germany. All my best matches are in freakin Europe!

Shit. I can't pay my energy bill.

I got a response from the editing outfit I applied to. My editing sample was rejected because of one punctuation mistake. This does not bode well. I'm an editor, not a proofreader. If they are expecting perfection, that's gonna be a problem.

I don't wanna go to bed. I never want to go to bed. Another exciting thing that happened day before yesterday was that my book Working the Organizing Experience arrived. I've wanted this book for at least a year. It's about a therapeutic intervention for "autistic," "psychotic," and "schizoid" states and posits a failure to bond in infancy as the cause of these states. Me being a diagnosed schizoid, I wanted to see what it was about. I was somewhat disappointed to see that it's of a psychoanalytic bent. And the writing is not good, like verbose ivory tower not good.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-11 11:19 pm
Entry tags:

Feeling Much Better!

I'm almost back to normal! I did exercise today, but still no incapacitating fatigue. I began to get a bit tired in the early evening, but I didn't feel nearly as bad as I've been feeling.

It feels so good to be able to do things, to think, again, that I've been content these past few days to do household chores even! Normally I can't be bothered regardless of how good I feel. To be able to go about, to achieve things, to experience being alive while clear-headed, is wondrous.

I do feel like something of a dumbass, albeit somewhat tentatively. Since this came about without any medical treatment, the most likely cause is Vitamin D3 deficiency. A simple thing to solve, something I should have solved when my primary care doctor first told me to increase my dosage. Alas, I've apparently had to increase it by 4 times as much as what the doc advised. I've been taking 500% RDA since I saw the rheumatologist.

Someone contacted me on OkC to rant about queer politics XD. I don't at all mind being a magnet to such people.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm excited to start living again. I applied to another online editing outfit that pays pennies. Having earned a decent wage so often now has spoiled me somewhat; I'm terribly hesitant to offer my services for the low prices such businesses offer and resentful that I have to resort to them. I am, however, in an extended dry spell, so I may as well spend part of it earning a little money (and experience) rather than spending all of it earning no money at all. I just need to save up a bit so that I can move away. I've less than a hundred dollars to my name at the moment.

My diet, my decreased reps, or both seem to have worked; my jeans aren't as tight as they were. Still, my ass and thighs are bigger than I would like them to be.

OkC users have to pay to search by dietary preference, and my A-List subscription expired, so finding a date isn't going well and will take a lot of work (combing profiles).

Ok, well. Just found me a demisexual. Gotta go look that up now.

Demisexuals may or may not be interested in sex. Wow, that's helpful. I wouldn't bother with this shit if it weren't so hard to find me a vegan. I don't understand the need for a whole category for people who only feel sexual attraction in the context of an emotional bond. That doesn't seem uncommon. Anyways, this user isn't into hippies, so I guess I'll pass. I'm a hippie according to my idea of a hippie, but I've no idea what she thinks a hippie is. Useless profile information.

Next user has herself listed as both lesbian and bisexual. And gay!

So I'm having to choose people to click on based on pics (which I loathe doing) and match %. I'm just picking anyone who doesn't look gender-conforming.

Shit. Found one but she's in France.

This blog substitutes somewhat for talking to people. Sometimes I never want the post to end. But I'm trying to waste less time.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-10 12:14 am
Entry tags:

I'm Ok Today...

A crazy thought went through my head: what if I'm over-exercising? It's crazy because I don't exercise very much. 25 measly minutes of fasted cardio 6 days per week. 1 hour of lifting three days per week (with 3 minutes of rest in between sets!). And a few hours of walking each week. This is nothing!

But I acted on my crazy idea. No fasted cardio and no walking today. I did, however, do some chores (cooking and laundry). And I felt pretty good today. I still felt the need to lay down for a little while, but I didn't go to sleep in the middle of the day, and I didn't have much trouble getting up. Most importantly, no brain fog!

So what gives?! Is my body, my love of which I so recently professed, such a piece of trash that it can't endure a little bit of exertion? Am I still not getting enough protein?

Maybe it's not the exercise. I've been waking up feeling tired, but I felt ok when I woke up this morning. This was after lifting last night and, obviously, before I'd had a chance to exercise today.

I'm going to not exercise again tomorrow and see what happens. Maybe. I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe the fatigue is some kind of stress response. I did decide last night to not cycle today; maybe knowing that I wouldn't have to do fasted cardio increased my energy somehow. I do dislike fasted cardio...but that's only true since I've been feeling fatigued! I rather enjoyed it back before my digs burned down.


This is crazy. Some aspect of this must be all in my head.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-05 09:26 pm
Entry tags:

This Can't Endure

I keep finding these little itchy bumps on my body, and I still don't know what to make of them. They go away in a couple of days, then I find one or two more.

The apparent respite in my fatigue was short-lived. The weird thing is that I seem to be able to hold the fatigue at bay with exercise—workouts or chores—yet I begin to feel tired shortly after I stop.

I want to know what the hell is going on, and I have to wait two and a half weeks for my next rheumatology appointment.

Oh shit! Just remembered that I was supposed to go for a walk today. Well hell. I'm burning too many calories anyways, so missing one day won't really hurt me.

Today is only day 2 and I'm already ambivalent about this diet; it seems almost too much to endure what with the fatigue and all. I said the same damned thing the last time I tried to diet. Although I've tried this and found it didn't help, I still have the sense that eating more food would make me feel less tired.

And another thing...I don't really want to be thinner. I want it but it's not super important. I'm on this diet because I hate abandoning my goals. I don't like to give up. I don't know why sticking to a goal for its own sake seems so important. Kinda crazy, isn't it?

I put in a lot of work proposals today and it took so much effort. Can't work without energy and can't move away without money. I think that there is a chance that I'd miraculously get well if I moved away. Maybe I don't feel depressed because all the depression is in my body. If that's even possible.

I have continued to work by myself on psychosocial problems. Day before yesterday, I made a thread and once again had to abandon it due to unsupportable anger and frustration over one or two of the responses. This is a very obvious pattern and it's past time I examine it. Well, the result of my examination is quite ugly.

I decided this evening that there are two main phenomena at play in these situations: lack of social connection and frustrated entitlement.

The latter seems the less serious issue. No matter how nasty I see people get, no matter how foreign they seem, no matter how boring they are, I cling to the expectation of social interaction that is (as I've written in my little journal sitting here) smooth, respectful, focused, and enriching. So when the hiccups, the misunderstandings, the disagreements, the seemingly stupid questions and obvious observations, the assumptions, the derailments inevitably happen, I cannot endure these things.

I could probably learn to take these things. I could, for example, go back and force myself to read through that thread, telling myself that it's ok to be angry and frustrated but that these bumps aren't the end of the world.

Far more hopeless is my lifelong lack of social connection. I don't know whether I am missing something that other people have that attaches them to others or I'm just in the clutches of a lifelong habit. But I think that every time one of these unpleasant things happens, justified or not I see another nail in the coffin that holds my social life. I see another piece of evidence that I can never convince anyone of anything, can never have any but the most basic of my perspectives understood, can never be taken at face value, can never escape the random little moods and hangups of others (yuck). Can never be on the same page, ever.

But I don't really have adequate evidence of those things since I've begun coping with the emotions by abandoning my own discussions. There are some sixteen other responses that I've not even read because avoidance, withdrawal, giving up, forgetting the whole affair, seems the only way for me to modulate my emotional response. My response is always intense, but that's because, I think, I've little social experience to ground me enough to modulate the intensity.

In my family, there were no discussions. There was no talking through disagreements, no voicing my opinion. It was my dad's way or the highway. My dad lectured, and everyone else kept quiet and listened or risked a blow. So no grounding social experience in my childhood to show me that these disagreements and things were no big deal, no experience handling them properly.

Then I spent most of the rest of my life never really talking to anyone, and disagreeing and explaining even less, so no experience there. Very little experience seeing that the world wouldn't end over a disagreement. Very little experience feeling myself understood. Where those experiences should be, deep within me, supporting my current experiences from my core, there is a void.

The thing that makes this more hopeless than the sense of entitlement is the lack of an immediate solution. I can work on my entitlement right away (I think), but there is nothing I can do to make up for 36 years of barren social life. I can only try to create that life now. But it seems so late. And the only way to make it to those grounding social experiences is to pass the gatekeeper social experiences: the acquaintances, the getting-to-know you phase, the first dates, the uncertain approaches, the mis-steps, the randomness. All the things I hate the most about socializing. It seems so much work. And I'm not even sure that would fix the problem. And my motivation is somewhat lacking because I know from long experience that I can just go back to isolation and survive.

And this is why I'm literally tired of being alive. It must be taken one day at a time. Right now looking too far into the future is the way of hopelessness. I feel like I can't be normal enough to deal with the small, auxiliary social experiences until I get that one deep social experience, but I can't get the latter without putting up with the former. It's a circle with no opening through which I can comfortably insert myself. The only proper entry point is childhood, and that's over for me, so I've no choice but to do it the hard way.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-03 10:06 pm
Entry tags:

Holy Shit I'm Hungry

Seems like my high-protein diet is working. Today was the first day and already I didn't really feel much fatigue at all. I was tired from yesterday's all-day shopping excursion, but nothing so debilitating as what I've been experiencing.

I've put myself back on a diet, one with which I am supposed to lose 1/2 pound per week. Not sure this is sustainable because I am quite hungry. No organic potatoes at the crappy local grocery store, and bringing some home with me yesterday would have been too much to carry, so I'm having 4 meals per day instead of the 5 I'd planned.

Although having to space my meals further apart is a pain, the number of meals is not a huge deal because I was able to expand the 4 meals to cover the calories of the fifth. The number of calories I'm supposed to be eating, however, feels a bit too low. Seems to me that I don't workout much, so perhaps it's the muscle I've put on eating up all those calories. Actually, I do need to eat something close to bedtime, so the number of meals might be a bigger problem than I'd previously thought. Perhaps I will put the wheat gluten and wheat bran together as a fifth meal. The gluten did not work so well in my evening stew, and I'm not really using the wheat bran except for a couple of teaspoons in my breakfast.

I had my first homemade burrito in forever and it was wonderful! It was just a simple deal with spiced pinto beans, iceberg lettuce, and store-bought salsa on a whole wheat tortilla, but I quite enjoyed it. I tried mixing the beans with wheat bran for even more protein and volume, but that didn't pan out.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
2017-06-03 03:09 am
Entry tags:

I'm gonna die

It's 3 AM. Today was grocery day and I was gone for literally 12 hours. Hoping to avoid passenger chatter, I took the earliest bus. More people than usual were riding, but, lo and behold! The ride was quiet. I was content.

I got held up at the diagnostics place because my clinic hadn't faxed my blood work request.

Vital wheat gluten was at the discount grocery store, so I made good use of my food stamps in the protein department. At the gourmet grocery store, I finally found some tortillas that don't have preservatives in them! Hooray. Now I can have burritos every day. I'm pinning my health hopes on this increase in protein.

Yesterday evening, I stuffed myself with a pizza that had an insanely thick crust, then rolled over and zonked out for a few hours. Woke up at 1 AM thirsty but also in need of electrolytes. My body told me that water wouldn't cut it. I went out in hopes that one of our three local liquor stores was open, but was disappointed. So I just had some chilled water (I usually prefer it at room temp; air force boot camp ruined cold water for me). I don't know what I'm doing now. I vaguely feel that I cannot or should not go to sleep.

Oh yeah. And the itchy things on my skin. They don't look like rashes, but the skin is red and there is like one bump for each spot. One on each arm, one underneath the right side of my rib cage. I think there was one on my leg too, but I can't remember where at the moment. Totally random.

Then I had something on the right edge of my tongue, like the irritation from eating sour candies, except I hadn't eaten any sour candies. The skin on my tongue is torn; I've done that before while eating tortilla chips, and I had some day before yesterday. I don't know what to think because these resemble two of the symptoms the rheumatologist told me to look for.

I guess I'll try to go to sleep now. Mildly excited to see how
much protein I'll be packing into a day tomorrow.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-01 12:21 am
Entry tags:

They're Back

The worries!

I should have gone to bed early so that I could catch the bus early tomorrow. My long-term client sends me work on the most inconvenient days. Please please please let there not be people chatting on the bus tomorrow!

I spent the whole afternoon sleeping and lying down due to fatigue. My fatigue is worse. I'm going to get my blood taken tomorrow.

I dislike the size of my legs but I'm not quite ready to stop the heavy lifting. First I have to find another program or a way to modify my current program.

For now the worries have been replaced by anger and frustration.

I've noticed that I have difficulty differentiating between similar emotions. I'm not sure whether I feel anger or frustration right now. Perhaps I feel both.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-05-31 04:37 pm
Entry tags:

No More Caffeine

It doesn't work anymore. For example, I had two Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars and half a Red Bull yesterday, and I was still hella tired. But I dragged myself up for that workout anyhow. I had a double dose of Vitamin D3 today. Still tired. I suppose Vitamin D3 doesn't work so fast that I'd notice it in a matter of hours anyhow.

Good news, though: My concentration has much improved. Racing, anxious thoughts have decreased somewhat. It seems I'm able to read a bit again, so I've ordered my next selection of old school lesbian fiction: The Haunting at Hill House.

I'm trying harder to save up to move away, so I'll be taking the shuttle to go grocery shopping. Yesterday in the shower I suddenly saw that I'd be better off saving up the money I spend on the taxi service for some good earphones. On second thought, I think the best are Bose, and they cost like three hundred dollars.

I told the shrink my concerns about delving into my dysfunctional childhood, and that dissipated my hesitation quite a bit. We talked about it and it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd feared, largely because we didn't go into detail. These books on the topic, I'm about through with them because I can't strongly relate. My childhood didn't mess me up so badly.

I coulda swore I just saw little stars swirling around out of the corner of my eye.

I eat so much nowadays, it is ridiculous. Wouldn't it be funny if I put on so much muscle that I couldn't comfortably feed myself on food stamps? Ha.

The shrink was surprised when I told her that my parents were criminals. I think she thought that I came from money, lol. She said that she imagined that my dad was a successful businessman and ran a traditional family. Nope. Long ways from traditional we were. My parents weren't even married.

I feel at peace today. I really decided to stop worrying about what I might be missing and how weird I might seem, it is really setting in. Thinking it was just the first step; I had to let it percolate in my sub-conscious a bit.