I need a surge protector for my home office. I found a U.S.-made one that seems good, but it costs over two hundred dollars. For another hundred bucks, I could get an unfinished computer desk! The company's cheaper surge protector also has eight outlets, but it's supposedly only for one
"typical computer system." What kind of system requires that many outlets?
- external HD
Those are the basic peripherals I can think of, and that seems a lot for one computer system. I have two laptops, one tower (perhaps a second occasionally), a modem, one monitor, and I'll have an external HD at some point. I know next to nothing about surge protectors. I hate having to trust strangers' technical information, and I hate when purchases turn into research projects.
I received notification that transfer of my food stamps and Obamacare has been completed, and that I will receive a new EBT card for this county. So this EBT card for which I traveled two counties was only good for one month. Waste of frickin resources is what that is. Except for the card and case numbers printed on the front of the cards, they look exactly the same. A single card should be good throughout the state.
A few days ago, I had another epiphany regarding my psyche and sexuality. I used to think that my only
fantasizing about and watching sexual acts that I was not interested in experiencing (or physically unable to experience, given that some are all-male) was just a quirk.
Although it's been years since I made the connection between my early fantasies/taste in porn and things my dad told me in adolescence, I also thought that the rest of the warped and violent fantasies were just some facet of my personality. I remember thinking to myself on several occasions that I seemed to become another person when sexually excited, but
that's only been true when I wasn't wanting or about to have sex with another person. Indeed, aside from inability to orgasm, my people-oriented sexuality seems rather normal; only when trying to achieve satisfaction alone do I have issues. This is one of the reasons why I want a girlfriend: to have sex without facing my own dysfunction.
So I watched something kind of warped (but animated; no animals harmed) a few days ago and felt bad and not even physically satisfied afterwards. Now I have put pi and pi together:
- almost never had interest in explicit imagery pertaining to the sort of sex I actually like
- always unable to reach anything beyond very low-level physical excitement with such imagery or related fantasies
- gradual lifetime decrease in ability to achieve physical satisfaction
- physical response despite mental revulsion and sense of not being myself (mind-body split)
- interest in explicit imagery and explicit fantasies pre-dated any sexual interest I had in other people
and so forth and so on. My conclusion is that I have never sexually been myself.
My very first sexual fantasies (as a teenager) were based on things my dad had told me about prison rape when I was about 12. That grew into other types of rape and then Internet porn took over from there once I was 18. I never had the chance to develop a healthy solo sexuality. It has been warped from the start!
So I was fairly upset when this first occurred to me, but I'm more level-headed now. I despair to really fix this since it started when I was so young. I mean I don't know how to stop having physical response to certain things. So I'll just stick to my vanilla animated porn, which isn't very exciting or prevalent. That's what I've been doing anyhow; I just got super excited and tried something different this time. Fortunately, the meh physical response will keep me away. Kinda shitty to not even enjoy worshipping Onan, especially given the rest of my crappy life. I guess I can feel consoled that it's "not really my fault"? That's not really much of an improvement because I never really felt strong, definite, clear guilt in the first place because it seemed like unconscious desire, something I had no idea how to even begin controlling.
I'm just messed up. That's ok. Lots of people are. I thought about quitting porn all together but meh. I don't think what I normally do is wrong or warped, and I've got a bunch of other shit to worry about.
I've begun looking for new work. I'm going to start working with Google Docs in a VM I guess. I'm probably going to have to buy my own desk. The vet organization that gave me a check for furniture doesn't even provide that service anymore.
Hey! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Too bad I won't get anything for Xmas :(
I really need a goddamned desk. The only furniture I have in here is a plastic and aluminum lawn chair.
The landlord brought me a new heater yesterday. When he saw my weightlifting equipment, he called me a stud.
The laundromat in town is expensive so I may just wash my clothes in the bathtub.