improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Yay I got my Tantus Silk today. It's small (like d=3/4 inch) but it did not go in so easily. And I was worried that it was too short and narrow. It is neither.

I did not have any caffeine today, so I was tired for the whole day, albeit not as tired as I have been. I discovered that being excited without caffeine is much less intense both physically and mentally. I also discovered that I'm a much weaker lifter without caffeine. It's a freaking wonder drug.

I'm too tired to go into details, but I discovered that I may have been more affected by my dysfunctional childhood than I'd thought. That made me feel like crap. I feel like I don't have the energy, the will to live, to fix myself more than I am trying to do now.

But these traits I found aren't so terrible. I make too big a deal out of it perhaps. I'm just tired and easily upset at the prospect of yet another obstacle in my path to a girlfriend. But at least half the population of this country grew up in a dysfunctional family, so people can't be too damned picky, can they?

Oh! And I watched Batman vs. Superman throughout the day today. It wasn't as lame as I'd thought that it would be. And Superman wasn't as much of a fag as I'd expected. I've been avoiding Batman movies because Michael Keaton is The One True Batman and all these other Batmans make mad. But Ben Affleck wasn't too bad. George Clooney was probably terrible.
improperlyhuman: (Default)

For the past three days or so, I have been relying on caffeine to overcome my fatigue. Coffee doesn't seem to work, which is strange. I use Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars. Are there different kinds of caffeine? Weird.

The caffeine makes me randy. I can knock out HOURS taking care of the randiness. The body works very well now, which is a relief. New stuff going on with me though, crazy hunger from the inside like I've never had before, but I can only reach so far, and that is why I ended up scoping out the online toy market.

Most of the toys looked more like torture devices to me. Who are the people who use these huge things? Who puts glass and steel inside themselves? Maybe my perception is somewhat off the norm because I'm a small person. But glass and steel, wut. How does this other anatomy work because I squeeze down on auto and steel don't give.

Anyways I had to search for longer than expected, yesterday and today, because most everything was huge, too expensive, too bumpy/nubby, too curved, or flared at the head, which makes no sense to me because that part goes in first. I was surprised at the limited selection of Good Vibrations (which has FOUR stores in San Francisco alone). But I found economical options on Amazon that should work.

I got a Tantus Silk Small. In sexy ass black. At first I was like, wut, silk, damn this ain't vegan. But I think that refers to the smoooooooth surface. All those nubs and outcroppings and shite getting caught on my walls and impeding the rhythm, what's up with that, no thank you.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Yet another song I listen to again and again without being able to figure out all the lyrics.

I heard a splash out behind the apartment building yesterday afternoon and wondered where the water had come from. Until I recognized the sound as tires on dirt and gravel.

I don't fall asleep til the wee hours of the morning now. The heat is playing a big role. Spring here is like summer.

I was so tired yesterday, I couldn't collect myself to go grocery shopping (and hadn't finalized this month's menu anyhow). I lay back down but couldn't sleep. I blew through a lot of time putting a marker pen, the one I used for Arabic script, to a use for which it was not intended. Good times.

I had to get some food from the local market because I felt that I couldn't stomach what I had left in the house. I found french bread on sale for a dollar and put some homemade lentil sloppy joe in it.

I also bought a cereal called Nutty Nuggets, kind of a Grape Nuts ripoff. OMG. Most filling thing I've ever eaten. I could have gone the whole day without eating again. I had a couple bowls this morning and was fine until evening with nothing but some coconut candy and a protein bar. I didn't even really feel hungry this evening. And no migraine!

You see, it's the carbs that make me feel full. So I'm back to eating potatoes and brown rice and yams this month.

But I took the bus back home and saw myself kicking this man in the head because he wouldn't stop talking.

The heat. I'm hesitant to leave the windows open because of the insects that keep getting in. A couple days ago, I looked over at the pile of novels sitting up against the wall beneath the window and beheld atop them a creature straight out of National Geographic. I toppled and nearly broke my laptop bolting up out of the chair in mindless horror.

Insects are just so wrong.

And this one was even wronger than usual. She appeared to be a type of cockroach, but of a size so unholy, I would never have expected to find her outside of wilderness or laboratory. At least two, maybe three inches long. And what was she doing coming in through the second floor window?!

The worst thing about insects is seeing them run because running means panic, and their panic infects me. I see them panic and I panic. I don't know why. Given the size, the creature's speed was of course unsurpassed, and watching her bolt across the carpet inspired a new level of horror.

Patiently I devised a way to capture her for return to the outside world, abandoning first a glass candle holder (lest I accidentally crush one of her spindly limbs), then a small aluminum trash can, finally setting a box in her path along a wall.

I've somewhat made my peace with the spiders patrolling the ceilings. It helps that they aren't large or evil-looking. At the moment, a mosquito is sharing the bedroom with me and eating me alive. The bites add to my inability to fall asleep. The breathing exercises help to relax me, but they aren't putting me to sleep so well.

Bye, Tom!

Mar. 31st, 2017 09:48 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
So check this out: I tried to burn my Tom of Finland in the bathtub this evening.



That's the last piece of pR0n I have, I don't even look at it anymore, and it was partially damaged in the fire anyhow.

It didn't catch with the first match and that's when I saw that all my matches seem to have disappeared. I had a least one box that was nearly full. I found a match on top of the fridge and got the sleeve burning. It burned dirty and smelled like plastic. It didn't burn for very long before the smoke alarm went off despite my having two fans on and a window open, so I turned my new shower head on it. The book survived, and I'd blackened my bucket a little bit. Oh well. But I don't want to throw the book in the trash. I want to annihilate it.

Dry as the dunes over here. Arousal dysfunction. And only clean thoughts I allow myself now. And we all know what that means: lesbians. And thinking about lesbians is not only foreign, it scares me because it can lead to loneliness :( And I was already kind of sad because I had some music on.

But I didn't really have to worry because my mind kept wandering anyhow. So I gave up and decided to accustom myself to thinking about lesbians by watching a lesbian movie on my Netflix trial subscription.

First I tried this movie called Anatomy of A Love Scene. It's about two womyn who end up falling for each other after shooting...actually the love "scene" seemed really long and explicit, more like an adult film. It started off kind of funny and I wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be a comedy. They were lying in bed and the director or someone was giving them some explicit but really deadpan directions.

I tried to skip to the part after the love scene, but it seemed to take up the whole movie? And they were like just talking in between shoots or something. It looked boring and it was like just ultra soft porn, so I just stopped watching it.

Then I chose a movie called Heterosexual Jill. Damn, did I have a point? I've forgotten it. Well, it was funny enough and put me in a good mood, but it's weird watching movies about lesbians. Then I was ready to burn Tom.

Most of what I read about quitting porn is about guys. I'm like, what about me? I don't have erectile dysfunction. What about me, dammit?

My housing rep stopped by this morning. She waited ten minutes and verified that the heater doesn't work after I'd set the thing to the highest temperature. She's giving the landlord 30 days to do something about it. I'm afraid that he's going to try to evict me. That month-to-month lease come back to bite me in the ass.

You know, back when I lived in a garage and I first invited Thom over, she told me make sure the place was clean the next time she came over. I was like, "huh?" Because I had tidied up. I was like, who cares, I'd have sex with you in a landfill.

But I tried to set the mood for myself today, and suddenly I looked around my bedroom and I was like, this place is a mess, who would want to have sex in here? So I guess I get it now?

So here's my all natural equipment with which I'll be cleaning the bathroom tomorrow:



And here's one of those gently rolling hills:



improperlyhuman: (Default)
A few years back, when I first started trying to treat my interest in porn by figuring out what I really wanted sexually, I came upon a concept for which I had no name. I knew that it was something that was present when I'd had sex with Thom, but not with anyone else. I put some phrases together, threw them into a search engine, and came up with this article:

http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/sexual-selfishness-necessary-turn/

That's it. Sexual selfishness. That's what I need. (I don't, however, find the term "ruthless" appropriate.)

Thom used to grab me and start grinding until she was satisfied. It was great, one of the things I liked best, very arousing. And it was selfish.

Neatly congruent with my being uncomfortable when people worry about me too much, people being too focused on me during sex is boring and a turn-off; pretty much all my excitement comes from others' excitement.

The problem with porn was that this sort of benign self-centeredness wasn't depicted in anything I ever saw. The closest thing was straight-up abuse. But the abuse wasn't what I really wanted, thank the goddess. I don't know how I'd live with myself otherwise.

Holy Shit

Jan. 9th, 2017 07:35 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I spent like four hours cycling today and still didn't find the road I was looking for. So I turned around about sixteen miles outside of town and found that the wind was much worse. Sixteen miles in the wind. It was awful. My lower back was hurting, and the backs of my thighs felt fit to cramp up. I also peed in my underwear and shorts on the way out.

So that was roughly thirty miles. Forty is the most I've ever cycled in one day, and I didn't feel nearly as bad as I felt today. The goddamned wind is a killer.

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading Amazon.com reviews of a book about porn addiction or something when I came across an idea that had never occurred to me: gay and lesbian people turning to pornography because of a lack of any other outlet for their sexual interests.

This possibility had a strong effect on me because I know that lack of exposure to lesbian-specific material (relative to het-specific material) is one of the reasons why I've had such difficulty coming up with lesbian fantasies.

I've switched from using Vitamin E oil to the expensive, allegedly scar-fading oil I bought off of Amazon, and today I find that my facial scales are back. I suppose I'll alternate the two oils instead, but I'm tired of fighting this. I'd almost rather just have ugly skin.

Well, I'll have ugly skin for years no matter what I do. Even if I prevent this problem henceforth, the hyperpigmentation I already have will take years to fade. I wish that I had started trying to treat this years ago. I did, actually, but nothing I did worked and I gave up. I didn't think the problem would be covered by basic health insurance; I thought that I'd have to see a specialist, and I never even attempted that because I didn't have the money.

Oh well. My life could be worse.

On a brighter note, I received my new paratransit ID in the mail today, so I can now finally go to City Hall to purchase Taxi Scrip. This is a great program that allows me to use taxis for just a fifth of the normal price. I can't afford to use it regularly, but at least I have the option of paying ten or thirteen dollars instead of fifty or sixty-five if I get stranded outside of town again.

I've been having ketchup again lately, which I hadn't had since before the fire. It tastes strange, too sweet, something that doesn't go with potatoes despite the fact that I used to love it with potatoes.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I can barely even concentrate long enough to post in this journal. I jump from one thing to another and play atris in between. I manage to get things done piece by piece. I can't focus on my books even though I want very much to read them. What's going on with me?

The landlord is coming tomorrow morning, and I'm dreading it. I always get anxious about having landlords and property managers over because I'm paranoid that they'll find that I've done something destructive to the apartment, or will be upset that the apartment is messy.

I suddenly have an unusual amount of restless energy tonight. What am I gonna do with that?? I'll give you a hint: it involves a battery.

Despite eating healthier, less calorie-dense foods, I've gained weight, presumably because I've not been cycling all day like I did when I was living in the shelter. My thighs and gut are too big.

Lifting doesn't seem to do much for weight loss, even when paired with a bit of cardio. I either have to be on that bike all day (which I want badly to do) or diet (which I really do not want to do. In fact, I'm grumpy and hungry right now). The spinning bike is no substitute; riding it is way too damned boring for me to replicate the length of the workouts I get on my bicycle.

Oh thank goodness, I'm finally getting sleepy.  Merciful unconsciousness.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have been studying personality typing systems over the past few days, hoping to dig up a few pieces of advice for my personal development. I score INTJ in the Myers-Brigg system, LII in Socionics, and 5w6 in the Enneagram. The descriptions for all three of these types seem to match how I am, and they also confirm my poor experiences in the social realm and poor social prospects.

Ok, I just decided that I'm not gonna focus on this.

This evening, I tried worshipping Onan with fantasy relevant to my personal interests and without porn. I had to use the vibrator. Physically, it was about the same. Psychologically, it was better, largely because I didn't feel like a perv afterwards. And I dozed off a bit afterwards! I haven't done that in soooooooooooo long. Haven't been relaxed enough, I guess. I was surprised at the ease with which I was able to switch up the fantasy. It was as if the change was somehow due.

I've been finding it difficult to get out of the sleeping bag in the morning because of the cold, and I'm not motivated to get up in the first place because my life is crappy, so I waste hours just lying there until I finally give up trying to brave the chill and turn the heater on, which I soon thereafter have to turn off to avoid a room that's too hot for my morning cycling session.

I LOVE eating broiled red potatoes. They are so satisfying. Low-cal too: I could eat a whole pound of them for fewer calories than there are in most any fast food meal. I'll probably have some tonight before going to bed. I hope I'll feel properly sleepy by then. I may have to try progressive relaxation to get to sleep. Or just read some more until I'm ready to pass out.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I need a surge protector for my home office. I found a U.S.-made one that seems good, but it costs over two hundred dollars. For another hundred bucks, I could get an unfinished computer desk! The company's cheaper surge protector also has eight outlets, but it's supposedly only for one "typical computer system." What kind of system requires that many outlets?
  1. tower
  2. monitor
  3. printer
  4. modem
  5. scanner
  6. router
  7. external HD
  8. ??
Those are the basic peripherals I can think of, and that seems a lot for one computer system. I have two laptops, one tower (perhaps a second occasionally), a modem, one monitor, and I'll have an external HD at some point. I know next to nothing about surge protectors. I hate having to trust strangers' technical information, and I hate when purchases turn into research projects.

I received notification that transfer of my food stamps and Obamacare has been completed, and that I will receive a new EBT card for this county. So this EBT card for which I traveled two counties was only good for one month. Waste of frickin resources is what that is. Except for the card and case numbers printed on the front of the cards, they look exactly the same. A single card should be good throughout the state.

A few days ago, I had another epiphany regarding my psyche and sexuality. I used to think that my only fantasizing about and watching sexual acts that I was not interested in experiencing (or physically unable to experience, given that some are all-male) was just a quirk.

Although it's been years since I made the connection between my early fantasies/taste in porn and things my dad told me in adolescence, I also thought that the rest of the warped and violent fantasies were just some facet of my personality. I remember thinking to myself on several occasions that I seemed to become another person when sexually excited, but that's only been true when I wasn't wanting or about to have sex with another person. Indeed, aside from inability to orgasm, my people-oriented sexuality seems rather normal; only when trying to achieve satisfaction alone do I have issues. This is one of the reasons why I want a girlfriend: to have sex without facing my own dysfunction.

So I watched something kind of warped (but animated; no animals harmed) a few days ago and felt bad and not even physically satisfied afterwards. Now I have put pi and pi together:
  • almost never had interest in explicit imagery pertaining to the sort of sex I actually like
  • always unable to reach anything beyond very low-level physical excitement with such imagery or related fantasies
  • gradual lifetime decrease in ability to achieve physical satisfaction
  • physical response despite mental revulsion and sense of not being myself (mind-body split)
  • interest in explicit imagery and explicit fantasies pre-dated any sexual interest I had in other people 
and so forth and so on. My conclusion is that I have never sexually been myself. My very first sexual fantasies (as a teenager) were based on things my dad had told me about prison rape when I was about 12. That grew into other types of rape and then Internet porn took over from there once I was 18. I never had the chance to develop a healthy solo sexuality. It has been warped from the start!

So I was fairly upset when this first occurred to me, but I'm more level-headed now. I despair to really fix this since it started when I was so young. I mean I don't know how to stop having physical response to certain things. So I'll just stick to my vanilla animated porn, which isn't very exciting or prevalent. That's what I've been doing anyhow; I just got super excited and tried something different this time. Fortunately, the meh physical response will keep me away. Kinda shitty to not even enjoy worshipping Onan, especially given the rest of my crappy life. I guess I can feel consoled that it's "not really my fault"? That's not really much of an improvement because I never really felt strong, definite, clear guilt in the first place because it seemed like unconscious desire, something I had no idea how to even begin controlling.

I'm just messed up. That's ok. Lots of people are. I thought about quitting porn all together but meh. I don't think what I normally do is wrong or warped, and I've got a bunch of other shit to worry about.

I've begun looking for new work. I'm going to start working with Google Docs in a VM I guess. I'm probably going to have to buy my own desk. The vet organization that gave me a check for furniture doesn't even provide that service anymore.

Hey! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Too bad I won't get anything for Xmas :(
I really need a goddamned desk. The only furniture I have in here is a plastic and aluminum lawn chair.

The landlord brought me a new heater yesterday. When he saw my weightlifting equipment, he called me a stud.

The laundromat in town is expensive so I may just wash my clothes in the bathtub.
improperlyhuman: black and white icon with text "if you identify with gender, you identify with patriarchy." (patriarchy)
Maybe my main desktop got tired of the power cord being abruptly pulled out. I spent literally all day today trying to get Debian to boot. Noting that the boot hung for lack of /sbin/init, I took a look in /sbin and found it completely empty. I'd hoped to restore the system with a LiveUSB, but rescue mode wasn't helpful. By "not helpful" I mean that  I had no idea what to do. I couldn't figure out how to access the installation packages to copy stuff into /sbin.

I finally got it to boot by copying /sbin/* from my super old Ubuntu system and adding init=/bin/systemd to the kernel command line. I don't know why I had to add that last; according to what I read, systemd is the default—I dunno what it's called, whatever controls services—on Debian Jessie.

My second laptop, the little one I got at the state surplus auction, suddenly lost it this morning. It seems to be in suspend mode permanently. The screen remains totally blank, so I've no idea how I can fix it.

I'm finally having success with Stand2Pee. I gave up on trying to follow the directions to the letter: I don't stand up perfectly straight with "knees locked." Locked knees was causing me to pee off to the right! The next step is to do it with only one hand, which I did once today. I tried to skip this step, but then I saw how important it is for the next step: peeing with pants and undies on. I need that second hand to hold pants and undies out of the way.

I put the tent up last night to protect myself from fleas last night. I didn't sleep at all, so I won't be getting into it again tonight.

Tore myself away from my malfunctioning laptop for my first weightlifting session in forever this evening. I squatted a measly 50 lbs. I'd forgotten to get another plank of wood to squat on, so I used two 5-lb. weights.

Nowadays, I struggle to remember the important things I want to post about. It's like I'm stuck in homeless-chronically-sleepy-and-tired-so-unable to think mode.

I should go to bed before I get really hungry. There's almost no food at all in the kitchen, and there's certainly nothing open this late.

Dental Care

Dec. 4th, 2016 11:00 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I finally got around to my online shopping today, but the search for environmentally friendly oral care products continues. A new oral care start-up called Goodwell+Co supposedly sells an all-natural fluoride toothpaste and compostable, biodegradable, all-natural floss pics, but the website doesn't list the toothpaste ingredients or pic construction material, so I'm hesitant to buy.

I dropped fifty bucks on a bag of (supposedly premium) buckwheat hulls. I'm going to make my own buckwheat pillow. I hope that it won't be too firm. I sleep on my stomach sometimes, and the seller's FAQ suggests that buckwheat hull pillows may not be suitable for this position.

I figured out the mechanism for closing my bedroom window. This is a big deal.

The borax and natural flea treatment were vacuumed up today, so I'll be sleeping on the carpet again to see whether I'll get eaten alive again.

I've been peeing in the shower today. It's not going well; I've been doing worse than before. Pee everywhere. I managed to spray forwards and backwards at the same time. I watched the Stand2Pee video again this evening. I have to remember to spread 'em good so that my urethral walls don't stick together. That's a helluva thing to be concerned about.

The local water machine is out of order! This is disaster. That's probably the only machine in town. I had to spend a dollar to get a gallon of water from the grocery store.
improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
Procrastinated on work with another stupid computer game and missed my self-imposed deadline by two and a half hours, but I don't think my client will even notice because he's in a different time zone.

Didn't get out of the tent until noon today, didn't go out exploring until most of the daylight was gone. I was thinking about using an alarm to get myself up early tomorrow morning (and re-establish my old schedule), but I dunno since I worked so late.

Thought I'd found a nice way out of town. It wasn't a bike path, it was a wide sidewalk that went on and on through the outskirts of town and up to the farmland. Weird. It ended abruptly, and there was no bike lane where it stopped. The road, however, seems like it is only lightly traveled, so it may be suitable for cycling.

Something about my bladder has changed! I'd hoped that the change was only temporary, something to do with the stress of living in a shelter/not sleeping, but I'm still having an issue holding my bladder. After drinking, I feel the need to urinate much sooner than I used to feel it. I tried Stand2Pee behind a storage container. Three fourths of my stream arched onto the ground; the other one fourth went down into my underwear. If I'm going to cycle long distances, I need to learn the technique properly.

I found out that there are (or were, I hope) two kinds of insects here: a tiny black insect and fleas.

I hate this place.

I have a headache and I think that's because of all the chocolate I ate.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
The apartment passed re-inspection and the veteran services office sent the landlord a promissory note pledging to pay my deposit (after I rushed across town and gave myself a headache turning in last-minute documents). I move in on Monday. Today is Friday. I tried to get in today, but the landlord was leaving town.

I put in for a change of address, had my food stamps and Obamacare transferred, and ordered some new cloth diapers (which have already been shipped!) today. I will look for some fleece TP this weekend. My poor tortured bottom is so ready to return to normality.

I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't get internet ordered. I reallllly wanted to re-establish business with my old internet service provider, but they only offer cable television in my area. It seems that I'm even more off in the boonies than I was before.

I've only told one person that I'm leaving: a dorm rep. I asked her to not tell anyone and she agreed and I trust her. I meant to tell the vet case manager, but I was out doing laundry (the underwear and menstrual pad I peed in were starting to stink in my locker; I had, of course, forgotten about them. Washing didn't completely remove the odor from the undies.), and the staff here leave before normal business hours are over.

Now I have to figure out how to sneak out without the other clients noticing.

I had some delicious vegan mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch these past couple of days, and it made me miss a homecooked meal. I can't wait to get into that apartment and get a soup or stew (depending on whether I put in enough water) going.

I'll get my stuff out of storage some other time.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
According to my housing authority tech's answering machine message, she's out for the whole week! That means that I wasted my energy biking out through the rain to drop off that paperwork yesterday. It also means that getting into that apartment will take a couple of days longer than it could have taken.

Someone or someones rounded up the cats last week to be fixed and/or sold, according to some of the shelter clients. Little Jumper here, who, unbeknownst to us until recently, was apparently born in a fenced off area on the shelter grounds, is the only kitten left. Jumper is the name some of the clients chose. I don't know the significance. He likes climbing the bikes. Meanwhile, a new adult cat, color of white and gray, has recently shown up on the patio.

Last night's homeless dinner was a falafel hummus wrap ($4.69) with salt and pepper kettle chips (99¢) and a square of Fair Trade dark chocolate (50¢) dipped in peanut butter for dessert.

I'm low on food stamps and hardly give a shit anymore so for lunch I blew some cash on a soyrizo and potato burrito. I also had a raw truffle, superfood flavor. The food was expensive and I can't recommend buying it, but supporting vegan restaurants is helpful to us vegans (so we have somewhere to eat out) and the animals that are spared when non-vegans choose such establishments over those that serve up rape, slavery, and murder.

Speaking of slavery, here is a link with information about slavery in the cocoa industry and how to find slavery-free chocolate.

I was just going to post that information in a news sub-forum when I stopped to read some of the other news threads. As usual, some posters were shooting snarky little jabs at each other instead of discussing the issues respectfully, but I wanted to read the on-topic discussion, so I suffered through the bullshit. It's uncomfortable to read, disheartening, depressing when people get nasty with each other in the middle of an otherwise interesting and important discussion like that. It made me feel a bit down, but still I read, asking myself why I didn't just click away.

It reminded me of watching porn. Sometimes, I would be watching something that seemed good (by "good" I mean both exciting and not sick and disturbing), and then BAM. Someone would slap someone else or use a slur or something. I'd freeze with my hand down my pants, dying inside a little more. If the abuse continued, my choice was easy: click away. But it if stopped after that first episode, I asked myself: Do you want to keep watching and risk seeing something like that again? CAN you actually keep watching after that? You want that orgasm bad, and you can't get one on your own, but do you want it badly enough to put yourself through this? The lesser of two evils type of shit is what it was.

I can now say with absolute certainty that no orgasms is the lesser of those two evils. In comparison, no orgasms isn't even bad enough to be called "evil." Well. I am in full recovery from my old porn habit now, but the damage has been done. I see the effects of it from time to time. I occasionally have thoughts that are totally and obviously uncharacteristic. In passing I see people I'm not the slightest bit interested in or attracted to and mechanically have disturbing, sexually morbid (that's the best way I can describe it) thoughts that have nothing to do with what I'm interested in sexually, but match up quite nicely with things I have seen in porn. Worst thing I've ever done to myself is consume porn.


improperlyhuman: (not queer)
I think that I'm finally succumbing to the illness that's been making the rounds of the womyn's dorm. Light sniffles and I feel unusually fatigued despite not having done much today, and the back-of-the-throat itch with which I've been waking up the past few days has remained with me past morning.

The cough the other womyn have sounds absolutely deadly. On the other hand, most of them are smokers and some are frail, so maybe it's just a cold or flu that's worse on them.

I honestly expected to not get sick despite living with all these very sick people. I'm pretty much never sick, and several other vegans have mentioned never getting sick after switching from an omnivorous diet. But maybe I'm never sick because I'm never around other people.

I just started a new contract with my most recent client. Maybe he'll turn into another long-term client. I was very anxious about not being able to complete the job because of insufficient sleep and a possibly soon-to-worsen illness. I had to play a puzzle game to calm down. Strangely, atris is not in the Ubuntu repositories, so I went with a 3d-tetris derivative called Blockout. 

I got a call from the landlord yesterday. He said that he is still processing my application, and is concerned about my credit history. :( More anxiety, more computer games. I don't know where I'm going to get the deposit. I could pay it myself, but that would deplete my checking account. The organization that helped me last time will only do so once every two years. I'm two months shy of the two-year mark! I will ask my case manager on Monday.

I had to go to my storage unit today to get more shit that I can barely fit into my locker. Took me a minute to find my unit because they've painted over the unit numbers! I need my Chicago Manual of Style for work. It's getting chilly, so I've brought my jacket. I also grabbed some more reusable menstrual pads. Shout , out to EcoHearted. Support her on Etsy. Custom order hemp-only pads if you don't want petrofabrics. I've discovered that washing them in the tumbler-type washing machines eliminates the blood stains even if I don't soak them. And that's without any kind of soap.

I've been expecting painful menstrual cramps to return because of the wheat I've been eating, but my cramps haven't been much more painful than they were before. I have, however, been bleeding more heavily.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I didn't get the apartment. :(

I guess it's about time to give up. I want to die. I haven't slept in ages. I wanted to hang on and try to find housing in that county a bit longer, but I'm just making myself miserable by staying in this shelter longer. I dropped over thirty dollars on ear defenders, the exact same kind I had before (but about twelve dollars more expensive). They're uncomfortable to sleep in, and I can still hear my bunkmate snoring. But she's getting a bit of her own medicine now because my mattress springs make a bizarre dinging sound when I toss and turn (due to being kept awake by her snoring).

One of the other clients is probably a lesbian. She introduced herself to me, but I've no idea what her name is because poor auditory memory. I think she tried the eye contact thing with me this morning. I don't know what is going on.

I tried to follow the shelter rules and not keep food in the dorm. I set it on the little counter we have for food. It was gone when I got back. That was at least two days worth of breakfasts, including several days worth of pumpkin pie spice, which is like twenty-four dollars per pound. I don't know whether I'm angrier with this disorganized mess of a shelter or myself. I suspected that this would happen. This is the second time this has happened, in fact.

I don't really get enough food stamps to feed myself every day.

Someone exploded in the bathroom or something. There was faeces and blood all over the walls of two of our three bathroom stalls.

It's gotten cold so I went to Goodwill to get some warm clothes. I only had one pair of pants. The barber shop is right there so I went in. My barber wasn't there, so some guy cut my hair. He didn't cut it the way I wanted it cut. Too tired to get really upset about it.

I came here to give blood today. While I was waiting to be called in, one of the workers tried to convince me to donate bone marrow. I said that I didn't want anyone cutting into my bones. He said that being a bone marrow donor requires a commitment because you have to go in and give the marrow when they call you.

I'd never really thought much about it before, but I thought they just extracted the marrow whenever you came in, then kept it on ice or whatever like they do with blood. But they just get your biological info and then call when they've found a match, so one never knows when the procedure is coming. A procedure that takes 5-7 days to recover from. And would probably leave a terrible scar on me. My legs are all scarred up and scabbed up from walking through prickly bushes when I was in Oregon.

They wouldn't draw my blood because I said that I won't be at my current address for at least 8 weeks. Ehh. Well, I got a free T-shirt.

I tried to keep a journal while I was in Oregon, but I gave up after a few days. For the first day, I wrote:

Caretaker was waiting for me at bus stop. Road had no bike lane or
shoulder. Tried Stand2Pee and remembered to hold legs straight
mid-stream. Peed all over my legs and strained so hard to keep a
straight stream that I literally shat myself! Took an outdoor shower
even though the water was cold and it was evening. Finally had
delicious rice noodles, nutritional yeast, and tamari! Was warm at 9
PM, but later at night was colder—too cold for my sleeping bag. Too
lazy to get up for liner. Was awake all night but got some sleep
next morning. Pitched tent on a slight incline and didn't even care.
I like that rough camping.

While I was in Oregon, I observed the caretaker have some epically long conversations, conversations that I knew I wasn't capable of withstanding. I thought about how fundamental is talking (including casual chatter) to normie socializing. And I thought about having no idea how to socially integrate myself in a way that is accommodating to my auditory issues. Then I had the idea to try to socialize with deaf people. Now I think that is maybe not a very good idea. Maybe if I found some other people with auditory processing disorders...I may as well take advantage of the big city social scene while I'm here.

I went to the Afghan market today. I got this humongous fresh Afghan bread for just two dollars, and a can of tahini hummus for 99 cents. The hummus was too sour for my taste. The low-gluten component of my diet has fallen by the wayside.

I like the little markets because they skirt the food stamp rules (and having surprising, cheap, and delicious vegan finds sometimes. and atmosphere). A couple of days ago, I wasn't able to buy a little $1.50 container of hot brown rice to go with my can of lentils because of the stupid food stamp rule that prohibits hot food purchases. Why *hot* food?? We can buy ready-made food that is chilled or at room temp, but not hot??
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have been using disposable toilet paper since the fire, and the experience has been awful. I don't know what was going on; I don't remember having quite this much trouble with disposable toilet paper before I switched to reusable. I don't understand how other people handle wiping with this stuff.

My skin became dry, then, when I was in Oregon, broken. Blood was on the toilet paper every time I wiped. Being able to go back to reusable TP is one of the main reasons I'm eager to get into my own apartment again.

I'm healing now. I've been putting oil on my skin.

This afternoon, I looked through Craigslist for local jobs. I thought that I might work in town a few hours a week for a bit of extra money since coordinating online work is difficult while homeless, and especially since I like to eat out here. There's literally nothing I can (safely) do. Even the most basic, low-paying jobs require a vehicle or a smartphone or customer service or handling toxic substances. Labor gigs require training by multiple people and communication skills? Exhausting. Also, every other job ad specifies an "upbeat" or "outgoing" personality.

The dorm rep said that I wouldn't be assigned kitchen duty anymore. I was like okaaaayyyyyy...but that's not really fair to the other residents. I've heard her say the same to another resident. I don't understand why she doesn't spread out the chore assignments instead of giving a few of us back-to-back kitchen duty.

I shouldn't have sat here so long; my blood sugar is low and I barely have what it takes to get to the grocery store, which means I may end up blowing more money at a restaurant. I don't even know how much money I have in the bank. My Internet banking password is stored on my other computer, and it's way to long and random to memorize.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Martha Monthly arrived today. I am pleased that she is not so bloody as she was last month. I wish that I could remember where I got the phrase "Martha Monthly."

My eyesight must be seriously improving. I tried to wear my glasses while reading from the screen this evening, and it was painful.

There are no split keyboards for people with small hands. I came across a youtube video of a guy simulating a split keyboard by connecting two regular usb keyboards and only typing on half of each with each hand. I decided to try to imitate that with a couple of children's keyboards, but the womon who runs the company (I assume) convinced me to try some of the mini keyboards intended for smart phones and tablets.

So I checked a few places today and found that those sorts of keyboards can't connect via usb. And the usb mini keyboards I found online are all two big! The search continues.

I found a couple of small, cheap journals at the thrift store earlier this week, and I plan to use one of them to create and track a mental health program for myself. My newest client has been sending so much work, I haven't yet found the time.

I certainly have things to write; I am still benefiting from that online anger management course in the form of fresh insights now and then. It feels much better than anger, but it's still not a happy feeling or even a relieved or hopeful feeling. Strangely, I do not want to put any of it in this journal. It runs too deep, or it is too fresh and undigested. Most of the stuff I put in this journal is stuff that I have thought through, but this other stuff is different.
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
Sudden depression and exhaustion immediately after orgasm.

The apartment complex will not be getting any more of my money for dryer costs. I put up a laundry line in the apartment today and dried my first indoor load. I tied one end to my power rack and the other to my shower door frame. I wonder how long the drying will take come winter. It's June already! Life moves fast when you start to get old.

People who can't English are running for office. The first response of U.S. Senate candidate Pamela Elizondo to the Green Party candidate questionnaire, copied and pasted:

1. why campaign as Green: the green party is international, the only way to solve worldwide problems is convince the rich of the profit of spending taxpayer's money restoring Earth & Inhabitants greening it everywhere growing marijuana to produce water & be used for all it's uses.

Senate candidate Akinyemi Olabode Agbede (unpronounceable African names FTW), who wants to "rescue America from turning into a third world country," indicates in his candidate statement that "People in Washington has collapsed the economy."

Senate candidate Ling Ling Shi has the candidate statement that resonates the most with me: "Run for God's Heart and America's Freedom, challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors."

I definitely want someone who is tough on that 10 giant chaos, but Elizondo has the technology to produce water from marijuana so it's gonna be a tough choice.

This is America. Even with the most ridiculous campaign ever, anyone can run for office.

Some thirty people are running to replace Senator what's-her-name.

I spent forever trying to be a responsible voter by researching viable candidates this afternoon. While thinking about how little my one measly vote even matters.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My cloth diapers arrived today! Sooner than I'd expected. I'd hoped to be able to bypass prepping, but the first one I removed from the package felt very thin and unabsorbent, and the water I poured on it just pooled.

So I washed them. And washed them. They're supposed to be prepped with detergent, but I don't have anything but Dr. Bronner's, so that's what I used. Dr. Bronner's is made entirely of oils, and the purpose of prepping is to remove residual oils, so I was afraid that it wouldn't work well, and added vinegar to the rinse cycle to help the process along. After the third wash/second dry cycle, the water I poured on was absorbed relatively quickly, so I decided to give them a shot.

I didn't feel damp after wiping (like I've been feeling with my other reusable TP), so I guess they are ok. I expect them to become even more absorbent after the next washing, but that won't happen until they've all been used. They are of a beautiful natural color, grubbier than I'd thought, so I'm not as worried about staining as I was before they arrived.

A young person came by offering newspaper subscriptions to help pay for college. I didn't want a subscription because it's a waste of paper, I'll never read it, and cancelling subscriptions is always a pain in the ass. I did, however, want to help her, so I offered a flat donation of twenty bucks. She agreed.

I'm glad that I could finally help a female. I've been wanting to, especially a couple of homeless (I think) womyn I've seen, but...well it hasn't panned out. I paid for like her first 5 minutes of college! XD I would have considered giving more, but that was about all the cash I had on hand. Maybe she'll just use it for beer or something. Whatever. I'm willing to risk being a sucker. A sucker for womyn's advancement!!

It's good to be back on high carb diet. I feel so normal now. Hungry but too lazy to cook anything, and easily able to ignore the hunger. Eating is stoopid and takes freakin forever. A while back, it occurred to me that I wouldn't have to cook so much if I bought a microwave.

I marveled that I'd lived in an apartment for so long without really thinking about getting a microwave. But meh I don't want one. There's too much crap in the kitchen as it is. Prefer minimalist lifestyle.

About feeling damp after wiping...I wonder if that has anything to do with not being shaved? Like droplets hanging out in the carpet.

Don't wanna post my deep thoughts because they're freakin depressing.

After the student left, I remembered that I'd just finished eating pico de gallo before we spoke, and I had anxiety about the possibility of having had bad breath.

Many, if not most, of the things I get anxious about are in the past. I put together all of the things I've learned about people in recent years and look at past interactions in a new light, a light called "what was the other person thinking of me?" How I may have been oblivious of causing offense. Were they annoyed and too "nice" to say so? Did I have halitosis?? Did she feel intimidated?

It is an unhealthy habit, but I'm compelled to do it by my über-consciousness of my ignorance of what/how other people think and expect of me.
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