Nov. 9th, 2016

improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
Without my eyeglasses, I've narrowly avoided some nasty spills while cycling at night because of my inability to survey the terrain immediately ahead.

Soooooo upset as of this afternoon. The barber didn't give me the haircut I asked for, and I didn't even notice until I was at least a mile away from the barbershop because I didn't wear my glasses! I never wear my glasses anymore; the frames feel strange on my face and looking through the lenses is awkward and irritating if not painful.

Immediately after the haircut was done, the barber handed me the mirror like barbers always do (actually, she did that twice: once after the main haircut was done and again after she'd lined up the hair around my neck) and I looked at my hair the best I could, which is not very well because I can't make out any details at the back of my head without corrective lenses. So I Ieft it to fate like I always do and said that it looked fine.

I've had off haircuts before, but this time was worse somehow. I'd made sure to use proper barber lingo to get the exact haircut I wanted, and that apparently didn't work. I'd used the exact same words with the barber's colleague a few weeks ago, and the haircut he gave me was almost perfect. Her work looks totally different. I asked for a skin fade, and there's no uncovered skin on my scalp, dammit. That's how I know she messed up: I ran my hand over the back of my scalp while I was stopped at a red light and felt all the hair back there. My hair doesn't even feel faded; it feels the same length just about all over my head. It's the easy, basic cut I used to give myself with my cheap department store clippers, and I blew eighteen dollars on it.

Eighteen dollars and all the anxiety it cost me to go to the barber shop at all. Barber shops always have music playing, I swear, at the same volume at which people are talking. So I was just beginning to relax in the chair when another barber started talking to me, and back up went the anxiety. When I have difficulty differentiating voices from background noise, it seems to me that the voice is fading in and out, and the background noise (which isn't exactly in the background if it's at the same volume, is it?) fades out and in. And that's what it sounded like. Of course I had to ask him to repeat himself. 

I don't wanna do this anymore :( Going to the barbershop is one of the things I let my anxiety talk me out of, and I think I'm gonna go back to that, at least for a while, once I get housed. I can't really do that now because I don't have clippers with me, and I really need my own space because I have to set up mirrors to be able to see the back of my head, and I need to be able to get hair all over the floor without having to clean it up immediately. Oh! And I always cut my hair naked so that the hair doesn't get into my clothes because it itches like crazy.

Both times I've seen her, the barber seemed to act extra nice towards me, which I found confusing and unsettling. It's in the way she spoke to me and leaned forward to shake my hand. It wasn't an I-like-you extra nice but a you-seem-troubled sort of extra nice. Maybe that's just her, who knows.

Ever since I got diagnosed with an auditory processing deficit, I've just gotten worse and worse. I worry about it more than I ever did. Before that diagnosis, I had a vague awareness that awkward shit could happen, but, not being able to pin it down, I was more likely to go through with the possibly awkward situation anyhow. Now, my perspective is that something awkward is very likely to happen, which is more acutely stressful. I can't do anything about it but avoid situations in which I have to listen.

My eyesight seems to have stopped improving. :(
I've probably allowed my ocular muscles to atrophy for too many decades.
And I just thought of something a couple of days ago! I'll need to rent a truck to move my stuff from storage and into my new apartment, and I'll have to wear glasses in order to drive safely and legally. I'll probably end up with a migraine.

And if the apartment doesn't pass inspection, I may be homeless long-term again because my voucher expires in less than one month. I've neither the time nor the energy (or more exactly, the wakefulness) to find another unit. My old complex has been renovated, and the rent has been jacked up another four hundred dollars! Crazy. The apartments there aren't worth that even with renovations.

Well. If the apartment does pass inspection, I'll have a month-to-month lease, which frees me to move into one of the complexes out in the country much sooner. I put my name on the waiting list a while ago, and the list covers like four different complexes in different rural towns, all with nice country roads (not deadly highways) and dedicated bike routes. But. I'll have to have neighbors again. I think the voucher rules require me to renounce current housing before they will even begin processing a new apartment, so I'll have to juggle dates to make sure that I'm not homeless in between, or long-term in the case that the new apartment doesn't work out. I'm really over the housing thing in general, and the voucher rules in particular are just ridiculous.

The library is blocking shoe.org. I bet it's because there's a picture of a topless womon on the main page. I have messages that I'm looking forward to reading, and I can't even load the website. I'll probably have to wait until the webmistresses change the main page.

I can't trust even Firefox anymore. Pocket, which is some type of add-on that can upload information to some cloud or other, is now built in to Firefox and enabled by default! I want to get off the Internet, but work is tying me to it. I want to find a way to work with paper, at least to the extent that I needn't rely on shady Internet services...but what about the trees?!

Such are the problems caused by civilization. So much time wasted with other people's bullshit to find housing and make a living. I could be living in a nice (and free!) airy hut and picking fruit off the trees for sustenance, but no, I get this.
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