Jan. 12th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Same as last time, the neurologist couldn't find anything wrong with. He did, however, tell me that hypoglycemia could cause tremors. He told me to go to the emergency room if I ever experience the involuntary movement again.

I was reading in the bathroom yesterday when I noticed a strange sound. It sounded like someone biting into an apple. But the sound seemed to be coming from outside the apartment. Of course I wouldn't normally be able to hear such a sound in any apartment, let alone this one, which is unusually isolated.

So I worked up the...whatever it is I need to work up...to start another thread. Someone made an irritating, apparently off-topic response to the thread, and I tried to make a polite response to that response, but people sometimes get angry even when I try to be polite, and now I'm afraid, yes literally afraid, to go back and read any more of the thread because I can't deal with people being angry with me anymore, not over stupid shit like this, shit I have no control over.

I thought about ignoring that response, but I think it's good for me to assert myself, and reaching an understanding seems like it would be nice. Seems like. I can't remember the last time I ever reached one. It doesn't work, yet I keep doing it. What else could I do?

I have notifications about the thread sitting in my inbox. I look at them and wonder if I should bother. I've bothered before and regretted it. But I was very interested in that topic, and I don't want to miss out on interesting responses. So I sit here asking myself if it's worth it to peek at the responses. This is madness.

I sit here trying to think up a way to manage the anger, frustration, and woundedness I will feel if it turns out that someone has posted something harsh. And then I get meta, observe my anxiety, and tell myself that it isn't right, it isn't normal, it isn't healthy for a person to feel this way about social interaction. Social interaction should be enjoyable. But I always end up in these distinctly unenjoyable situations. And the obvious next step in that line of thinking is this: If it never works out, just stop doing it. And then I would have no social interaction.

I want to ask people, "what is this?" "Does this happen to me only?" But I'd have to go back to the same group of sharks that cause the trouble to ask about the trouble. Perhaps they wouldn't be able to give me an answer anyways.

I think I am too hot/cold with it. I'm either all in or unengaged/skimming/borderline trolling. I bet other people aren't so attached to the conversation. But I don't know how to be less attached. Either I care or I don't. It's like talking: either we are having stimulating conversation, or I can't be bothered. I can't do the in-between stuff, the small talk.

I finished reading The Member of The Wedding a couple of days ago. It's a dull book, a work of literary fiction. I learned the term "literary fiction" when I looked up novels that have no plots. Dull as this book was, I was motivated to finish it (due, in no small part, to it's manageable length), and it did have a plot. It was unique in that it was about a girl, Frankie, and I felt some interest in her story because it was about her not belonging to anything.

The neighborhood girls did not invite her to their gatherings, her father did not pay her any attention and had recently stopped allowing her to sleep in his bed, her only friend had gone, her mother was dead, she was out of school for the summer, and she was too old for the other kids in the neighborhood. She was just entering adolescence, suddenly grown tall, and she spent her days in odd company, with a much younger cousin and the household cook. Just like me, she did not belong anywhere, not even with family.

By the end of the book, she had started school again and made a new friend.

I've been thinking about starting another blog, but my heart's not in it. It seems that splitting my efforts between blogs would somehow diminish this one, which I would not like to do because I've had this one for so long and it is so dear to me. I cannot get a clear idea of how the content of the other blog would differ from this one, except that I would not talk about my personal life as much. Even though limiting the things I discuss would only take a bit of effort, I don't want to bother. But I would like to meet some vegans, and I think that would be good for me because of all the disturbing things I read from non-vegans.

I have been studying the Enneagram and Myers-Briggs typology, but I haven't much felt like posting about that. Maybe next time.
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