Feb. 17th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I woke up early so I dragged myself out of sleeping bag and caught the bus to the hospital. They gave me a blood test and told me that my levels were normal. Was so out of it yesterday that I didn't notice that I meant carbon monoxide, not CO2 like I kept typing over and over again. Duh.

The doctor said, however. that low levels of CO can cause my symptoms. I felt ok while I was out today, but now I feel fatigued again. It doesn't feel like sleepiness. I can barely pay attention to typing this.

People calling me "sweetie" in the emergency room. No matter how old I get, I still strike people as a youngster.

I used to have music playing constantly. I loved music. I still love music. Over the years, however, I've noticed myself listening to it less and less. Even when the idea to listen pops into my head, I brush it off. I think I'm afraid of having my emotions manipulated by music. 

There is this jazz number by Miles Davis et. al. called In A Silent Way/It's About That Time, and it just kills me. I can't listen to it too often; it's like getting lost. I can't even identify the emotion. It's like a borderline painful, murky ecstasy. Not the whole song; just the part with the vibraphone. At least I think it's a vibraphone. Some type of tonal percussion instrument.

That portion of the song is basically a set of repeating bars, which I usually find boring. But some sounds, very very few sounds, are so perfect and pregnant that I could listen to them repeat forever. It's like there's never any resolution to those bars, so they're always full of promise and wonder. Maybe it's the key.

I also avoid my Tony Bennett playlist. I took the time to construct a playlist, and now I avoid it. My k.d. lang playlist too. I'm ok with using metal to pump myself up for a workout. But this other stuff, it's too much. Too delicate, too shimmering, to pregnant.

There's nowhere for those emotions to go. It's like taking a puppy out of a cage just to put her in a crate for a bit.

The good thing about being tired is that I don't have the energy to worry about what people think of me.

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