Feb. 20th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Has it really been three days since I last posted? Doesn't seem like it.

Life is becoming a mess. My PG&E bill is over two hundred dollars. I only have about four hundred to my name. I received a 15-day notice to pay $159 or face shutoff. No response yet from the agency to which I applied for financial assistance.

Tomorrow I'm going to inform the housing authority about the landlord's failure to fix or replace the heater, but that won't fix the immediate situation with the electricity bill. I turned on the broken heater this evening and for a while I thought it had begun to work, but it's just so cold in here that the warmish air felt hotter than it actually is.

I'm still not getting much work. I've branched out to  craigslist. I keep getting invitations for writing jobs. I can write, but I'm primarily an editor. Most of the available jobs are vague or involve ridiculous expectations. Today, yet another one of my clients refused to allow me to add the work I did to my portfolio, so my portfolio is still bare-bones.

Still struggling to concentrate on things, but, well, that's for a good reason. Really, I've done enough reading and studying in my life. It's time for me to add some other things. I really miss being a musician.

But I do have work-related things I should be reading, and I'm slacking on that even more than recreational reading. I haven't really accomplished anything in quite some time. Bedroom's a mess, kitchen and bathroom are messy. I make sure to lift those weights 3 times a week, eat roughly every three hours, pay my Internet and garbage bills, and that's about all that gets done. Well, I fix my computer problems as well.

I was so happy to find those radical sub-reddits, yet I find myself not participating. I see now that I didn't really want to discuss theory and politics so much as I wanted socialization with radicals. The subs aren't very active, and they are filled with articles, articles about womyn's abuse and political differences and stuff I've already thought about too much and don't really need more of, given my penchant for morbid thoughts.

I want to know how to deal with people who are not anarchists. Knowing that people want centralized authority to continue is very disturbing. Not so much the violent and destructive people and the people who don't give a shit about anyone; I expect that from them. The caring people and the ok people are the ones I think about.

Even if they just thought anarchy was totally impractical, but still wanted it, that would be so much better. The investment people seem to have in centralized government and industrialized society is chilling. I'm like, how could you want to this racist, misogynistic, materialistic world to continue? How are you ok with people having this level of power over you? Maybe it's just my own impression.

I know they don't see it the way I do, but to me they are saying that they want my oppression to continue. That's a rough thing to face. I know some people don't know much about and haven't really considered anarchy, but it doesn't feel right to simply think of people as ignorant. The only way I can relate even a bit is to not think about political differences, but it's a thin and dissatisfying relating.

My politics are super important to me. I don't really care about trifling shit like gay marriage and voter ID; I have life-and-death politics. My politics are so important to me that they've driven a wedge (in addition, I guess, to the wedges that were already there) between me and other people.

I made my first hemp protein smoothie a few days ago, and it wasn't as disgusting as I'd feared. I dislike viscous beverages.

So I've been thinking about applying for Social Security again. My proof is still thin (none of it suggests that I cannot work), but it's more than I had last time. I got that audiology diagnosis and a GAD diagnosis. SPD diagnosis probably isn't useful. The things that incapacitate me the most, migraines and fatigue, are the things for which I'll never be able to get diagnoses.

I watched this movie Evolution about a week ago. Kids were being used as incubators, and there was a horrible scene in which a dead boy lay on an examination table with a slit in his belly, presumably because harvesting the organism killed him. Kind of wish I hadn't seen that.

My skin is doing worse again. I tried some African black soap made from ash (rather than lye) on my back/upper arms, and it apparently doesn't work. As for my face, I'm not sure whether the problem is my slacking on the oil cleansing method or what.
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