Mar. 2nd, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
When I was young, I hardly thought about people at all. I hardly paid attention to people at all. I didn't know much of anything about people.

And so I had a much more positive attitude about people and was much more comfortable around them.

I want to go back to my younger self. Not to have a positive social outlook and to be comfortable around people (which, being unrealistic, would also therefore be dangerous), but to stop caring about and paying attention to people as much as I do.

Not that I care about and pay attention to people a lot. I just do it more than is good for me, apparently. I just want the boredom and disappointment to go away so that I can spend my time more productively.

I'm struggling to concentrate on shit I like to do. I thought that I was struggling to concentrate because I'm interested in having people in my life. But if I am, the social drive is largely unconscious. On a conscious level, I mostly don't want people in my life. I can no longer even imagine the type of person I would want in my life.

Obviously a problem, these drives away from and toward people. But I forget my plan. The thing I want with people is to help them. If I could just get the hell AWAY from this town, I could volunteer somewhere. I hope that will fix the "toward people" drive. If it doesn't, I don't know what the hell I'll do.
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