Mar. 20th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have almost zero ability to concentrate on anything. So I tried out a lesbian chat room today. Someone was asking me interesting questions, then a shitload of people joined within seconds of each other and drowned out our conversation with flirting and talk about some TV show. It was boring and I couldn't keep up with the rapid-fire responses anyhow, so I left. This is what chat rooms are like for me know. I coulda swore I used to be able to keep up.

I got a call about an open apartment in my old town, but the manager said that the place would be free in about a week and they wanted someone to move in immediately. Which I wouldn't be able to do, thanks to all the red tape surrounding my housing voucher. Dammit.

Then again, it's one of those huge complexes with big ugly iron gates around it. I hate those goddamned places. Renting a moving truck would cost me nearly half the money I have in my checking account. Huge goddamned mess I'm in. Poverty.

I wonder if vocational rehab would, instead of paying for my editing certificate, pay for me to see a lawyer so that I could get an editing contract written up. Then I could seek my own clients.

I'm starting to get desperate and I'm asking myself if I can manage a job as a cashier given my wonky auditory processing. I'm no longer so opposed to being employed. Getting out of the apartment and into the world would be good for me. A few hours per week would be fine and would cover my expenses.

Yes, I'm ready! I no longer hate people so much that I feel unable to bear being around them. Deep down I knew that I'd have to fix/wait out my own emotional problems. That's how it's always been. Never really been able to get any solid solutions or even consolation from other people except in the most cut-and-dried practical situations. When I was a kid, telling other people that I felt bad didn't even occur to me.

And since I can no longer keep myself occupied, I want to dive into the world and hope that I find someone interesting to talk to. Trying not to get my hopes up and not worry about being seen as weird and just go along for the journey.

In the meantime, I'm trying to appreciate what I have: A roof over my head. I used to think about what it was like to be stuck out in the cold a lot more. I didn't want to ever forget that. Now that there's more distance between me and the situation, I can't stomach those memories quite so much. It's not just the distance, it's the fact that I wouldn't be able to psychologically manage a second bout of homelessness well. Last summer in the shelter was really a different animal than a tent on the outskirts of town in winter.

I miss being a musician so bad it hurts :(

I've been telling myself that I'll never get a girlfriend if I don't stop being a slob, but the reality of that happening is just too remote to motivate me much, especially with the fatigue. And the lack of supplies! I'm adamant about not buying plastic brushes and a mop and stuff, but I can't afford to order any wooden
cleaning items right now. Everything is in limbo and riding it out is making me restless. Tryna picture RIPPED abs to motivate myself to get on that spinning bike and work off this fat. The struggle is real.
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