Mar. 27th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I wanted to upload a picture (I like to promote natural products), but that requires posting by email, and the email address is no longer available in my email client's contact list, and I couldn't find it with by searching dreamwidth's FAQ, and I'm irritated that it takes so much effort and this is why I'm posting about it and I gave up.

I hate the way people communicate, I hate it beyond words. But I think I've figured something out. I was reading (with annoyance) one person's tangential response to another person when it occurred to me that this is how people keep conversations going. Instead of just answering the question directly like iconoclass, they tack some extra but unnecessary information on, stuff that others can ask about or expand on to have more to talk about. Even if I'm right, I still don't like this.

Sometimes when I have ideas like this I want to ask other people if the ideas are accurate. But I know that the workings of such matters seem super obvious to other people, and when people ask questions that seem super obvious, the askers are sometimes taken for trolls. Not being taken seriously really upsets me, so I don't chance it.

So for the millionth time someone said something only tangentially related to the discussion and for the millionth time I said that the comment was irrelevant, without much hope that the other person would understand that or even care. In fact, we've passed the point at which the other party tends to get angry or irritated with me, so I expect the conversation to end soon, possibly with an angry or hurtful comment that will make me feel terrible for a long time afterwards, unless of course I choose not to read it, as I often do nowadays even though doing so tends to churn my insides with wondering about what I missed.

Immediately after I responded, I looked back to my inbox and found a message from someone I'd agreed to chat with, someone who has a lot of politics in common with me, and something in me felt sick and withdrawing because talking to people seems so pointless. Never, ever, ever on the same wavelength. And similar politics don't ensure compatible personalities.

I keep looking at this from different angles, turning it around like a rubix cube, trying to figure out a way to think of it that isn't this self-defeating, but all I ever see are more downsides. But I kind of just don't care anymore, for lack of the energy required to keep caring. Sometimes I tell myself to not think so much and just dive in, then feel painfully upset with myself for trying again (particularly if something doesn't go the way I want). It's not a nice way to think towards myself, not a sensitive estimation of my behavior.

So I've decided to try treating my fatigue with yet more protein. I'm going full tilt this time and doing everything I can to get in that 1 gram per pound of body weight. To make room for these protein calories, I'm removing the last vestiges of the high carb diet I so prefer. My food stamp budget makes this high-protein diet more difficult to achieve than the caloric restriction does.
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