Apr. 7th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
The county transportation department held a meeting today about transportation needs for senior and disabled riders. I complained about noise on the buses, but that wasn't one of the top four complaints so it didn't get discussed. I think I left my eyeglasses there, but I didn't have the energy to go back.

A womon there said she had a hearing sensitivity and complained about the long bus ride into the nearest town because of the sound of the motor. She also said that she didn't qualify for paratransit services. I wanted to tell her that she could qualify on the basis of her "hearing sensitivity," which is how I qualified. But no time seemed like a good time to go over and talk to her. Sure, we had breaks and unstructured time, but breaking the ice with people never feels right. NEVER. And I don't like talking anyhow. I finally got tired of thinking about it and just left.

I was going to say something pithy about my desire to help womyn contrasted with my disinclination to do simple things like talk to them, but I can't quite remember what that was. Yes, I have fatigue and brain fog again.

My host back from homelessness episode #2 brought over the stuff I'd left at his apartment. I'm so glad because I was in desperate need of a haircut. I gave myself a punk cut this morning.

Every time I see him he tries to get me to spend a little time with him. He told me to call him for a ride the next time I go out of town for grocery shopping. I'm like, dude. What are you doing.

And the disturbing thing is that I want to spend time with him now. I didn't want to the first few times he asked me. I think I was too used to being alone, and somehow feared that which had become foreign. Maybe I only want to spend time with him now because I'm bored. I can't keep myself entertained because I can't concentrate  on anything. 

But the problem is that I also want to continue being a separatist. I like being a separatist; it is such a lovely thing. Except in practice sometimes it's messy.

I became a separatist for two reasons: my safety (physical and psychological) and to put myself in the headspace to devote my efforts to females. First of all, this guy isn't a physical threat to me. A psychological threat, meh, not really. I mean there are womyn going around liberally calling other womyn bitches and cunts, that's worse than anything he's ever said.

As for my female-centric headspace, well, I'm not doing much with it. All I do is sit in this chair, be tired, fret over my calories, and mess around online. Not really helping anyone, is it?

But I like being a separatist. This whole situation is really awkward and wrong. And I don't have anyone I can ask about it. I think I'll stick with separatism. I like my purity.

I wonder if there is something in the construction of this apartment that is making me tired. Is that possible? I don't think living in anything but simple and natural structures is healthy.

Now I'm not sure whether I'm fatigued or just sleepy.
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