May. 6th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have been so repulsed by others' behavior and so hellbent on distancing myself from it that I have perhaps taken this neurodivergence narrative too far. Some of those differences, I think, are just personality differences. It seems that the spectrum of personality is wider than I imagined. Again. And really, how much difference can an auditory disability make?

I think I have observed myself a few times struggling to categorize people to the point of borderline stereotyping. This is a sad state of affairs, not who I am at all. But if they break your bones enough times, the bones will never heal properly. It is the fear, the fatigue, the half-mindless struggle to escape the surprises. I don't want any more surprises. I can hardly take any more surprises. And the wondering, my goodness.

Speaking of wondering. Something hit me today. I was thinking again of how much of what people post makes no sense to me. For example, we were discussing detachment from emotions (enneagram type 5 holla), and someone said that she shifts from experiencing her emotions subjectively to observing them rationally or something like that.

In my mind, specifying an adjective ("subjective") implies that there is some other way to experience one's emotions. But, of course, there isn't.
Feeling emotions is an inherently subjective experience. So I had no idea what she meant, and my request for clarification was fruitless because she just posted some more ambiguous and apparently irrelevant words.

So this was the latest episode of meaningless crap that was on my mind when it suddenly hit me that people aren't using words literally as often as I'm taking them literally. And, perhaps more importantly, they aren't using words precisely as often as I'm trying to zero in on the definition at play. They are relying on connotations to convey meaning.

This of course is a terrible idea in the context of a worldwide audience. But hey, I've already said it a million times before. I hate the way people communicate. 

I was fretting about my ability to get this hypothesis validated when I remembered that I have a trustworthy party to turn to now! My therapist. The only (potential) problem is that people sometimes can't see phenomena that are deeply embedded in their lives. Even if I'm on to something, she may be more or less blind to it.

Sudden fatigue again today. I'd been toying with the idea of skipping that rheumatology appointment, but I really need to go. How will I get there and back, that's the question. Today I found out that I have only $35 in my checking account. The appointment is next Thursday, the same day that loudmouth guy takes the bus home in the evenings. But I don't have enough taxi scrip to take a taxi there and back. This is what friends are for, isn't it!
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