Sep. 17th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Today has been a discouraging day. Right now I'm slowly getting over being pissed at not being able to workout because my sister and nephew went to bed early in my living room (my workout room). Now my lifting schedule is messed up, which is particularly problematic given that I'm still just getting back into it (so missing one day is a biggish deal).

I was talking to my sister about her situation and plans today when something in my abdomen started hurting. It was like I was literally worried sick. I found out that she has some very shaky plans (not going into the shelter, putting off starting her new job and relying on help from social services while spending all her money to get her car back, and waiting to get subsidized housing, which has nothing to do with her housing problem) and has not been applying for apartments.

I was gobsmacked when I found out that she hasn't been rejected for bad credit for years. What the hell has she been doing??? She's been homeless with a stable job and sufficient money, yet she hasn't been applying for apartments? Now that I have specifics, I'm even more worried that she's going to keep screwing up and end up homeless for longer. I'm afraid I'm going to end up housing her for her stupid decisions. She doesn't listen!

I tried explaining things to her today, but I doubt I made much of a difference. What I really want her to understand is that she has been messing up royally. I told her that I was planning to move soon, so she said that she could live in her car again if things don't work out, but where is she going to get gas money if she doesn't go back to work and spends everything she has getting the car back?! It's like she's not thinking.

I thought I was doing well given all the noise they make, but I can see now that it's just slowly and unobtrusively wearing me down, like being near traffic all day wears me down.

Suddenly the drain was clogged. Suddenly a zillion flies are in the apartment. Why?? I don't know what they are doing. It kills me to see her feeding my nephew nothing but trash. He's overweight, he's gonna end up with diabetes like his grandparents or hypoglycemia like me or worse.

I told her she didn't have to cook and to just stop giving him sugary drinks and buy some canned beans and peas. She said she wants him to have something filling before school! What the hell, she thinks junk food is more filling than canned goods/??!!!!!!!> Who is this person?? He eats Doritos every day, and they are getting smashed into my goddamned carpet. Doritos are filling? Cookies are filling? This is poor ppl shit right here.

This is insanity. I don't need this stress right before my course starts.

Although I'm not dwelling as much as before, I find myself coming back to  negative emotions caused by ugly situations with other people. I decided to keep posting on this forum as an exercise in not withdrawing, but I'm not enjoying myself too much. I'm not even posting on the main forum anymore, just trolling the spam section. It's good for lulz but when I get irritated with someone, it seems like it's just not worth it.

Someone who has posted dumb racist-sounding shit was talking to some other idiot in the chat section, and I was just so...frustrated. I've been trying to find some kind of enjoyment in other people, and it's not working.

They say to avoid talking about stuff like politics and religion, but why would I bother with someone I couldn't talk to openly about important topics? I don't understand how people get anything out of that. I'd always have in the back of my mind the knowledge that I have to sensor myself to avoid an argument. I kind of do that now, in fact; that's why I keep the trolling informal and discourage people from getting closer (denying their friend requests helps).

I have little compassion for others' limitations. I thought, maybe I'm just externalizing my lack of compassion for my own limitations, and if I can be nicer to myself, I can extend that to others and like people more. I don't know if that's true, but I guess I have to try it. The alternative is too bleak to turn to without trying something else.

So that's what I'm supposed to be working on now: self-compassion. I dislike the very word "compassion." I don't know how to do it; I still don't know how to deliberately change the way I feel. Other stuff I've "worked on" seems to just be changing by itself, without any conscious effort. 

Oh! Speaking of. Today I was thinking about kissing this oh-so-attractive person I found on OkC yesterday. And this is a new thing and a big deal because I used to not be able to do that, or rather, I used to unconsciously prevent myself from doing that, supposedly to reinforce social distance.

So I'm doing ok when it comes to being kinder to myself in terms of accepting my want (need) of an intimate relationship. (I kind of don't have a choice because the need has been nagging at me for some time and won't go away.) But I'm still not nice to myself when I make mistakes or get carried away emotionally. That's what I have to work on. If I can "accept" (I hate that word now) this in myself, I can "accept" it in others. That's the hypothesis anyway.
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