Sep. 20th, 2017

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Today I went into the kitchen and found my sister using my seasonings on a huge pan of dead chicken parts. Disgusting.

She actually listened to me for once and applied for unemployment. Great! She'll have gas money so she can go back to living in her car (which she is supposed to pick up tomorrow).

I can't take it anymore. I was in my room with the door closed trying to do stuff for my course and was continually distracted, mainly my nephew. I won't let them screw up my career. The apartment is too small and I'm too sensitive to noise. The apartment smells nauseating because of the junk food they cook, and they're creating a trash problem.

I'm stressed out over my sister's repeated poor decisions, but I'll be able to forget and relax once she's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. Today I found out how she got behind on car payments: blowing money on motels. Exactly what I told her not to do. I can't keep worrying about someone who doesn't listen; my own mental health is at stake. I'm going to lay it all out for her tomorrow.

I got in a nice long ride this morning, my first long ride breaking in my new saddle. Considerably less groin pain, but my butt was hurting a bit. I hope that's only because I'm not used to it.

I haven't decided whether I'll go to bridge lessons tomorrow. I'm on the verge of getting 1–2 new editing contracts, and the combination of work, school, exercise, psych self-treatment, familial stress, apartment hunting, and insomnia (I'm not sleeping again) is not going to leave me much time or energy. I'm not even interested in bridge.

I'm upset with myself for saying that I'd come this week. Disappointed, I guess. And even though I know it wouldn't be a huge deal, I really don't want to call and say that I won't be coming. The person who taught me last week went on vacation, so I'm not even sure who I'd call. I'd have to look up the other number, and I can't remember whether I was introduced to the other contact person.

Going to bridge wasn't terribly helpful. I went in there and I kinda started faking again. I wanted to skip all the small talk and just get down to the game. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of going? I went for social contact. The problem is that I don't really want frivolous social contact, but that seems inescapable with most people.

I've come to see the importance of disentangling neurotic issues from neurodivergent/personality type fallout issues. Neurotic issues can be solved by changing myself. Fallout from just being different (which I can't change) has to be dealt with via careful social navigation. That includes being selective about the situations I put myself in.

This evening, I read the chapter about the patient's role in Self-Analysis. According to Horney, my 3 tasks are

free association
recognizing neurotic trends
changing

I think I'm also supposed to fulfill the analyst's role, which is discussed in the next chapter.
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