Sep. 21st, 2017

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I woke up gasping in fear in the middle of last night. I don't remember this being caused by a dream, but I remember being worried about my sister. Stress. After putting it off all day, I finally spoke to her about leaving once she got her unemployment check. Of course it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined.

She said that she would have already left if she had the money, and that somehow bothered me even though that's what I would want. Maybe I didn't like being surprised? (I expected her to want to stay a bit longer.) Surprises provoke anxiety, and I was already anxious.

I do remember an unrelated dream, however. I was hanging out at someone's house (a few family members, my mom included, were there), and some stranger brought a baby to the house. As I sat and watched the baby explore the carpet, I became angry and kind of restless. I know exactly what caused those feelings because I've experienced it before.

I was upset that people are not organized into normal, healthy social structures such that the youth can fully benefit from the knowledge of their elders. I felt that the end of my youth would sort of result in my being cast aside despite what I could contribute, that people's ability to contribute was being wasted. I felt sorrow for the youth that would needlessly repeat mistakes for lack of guidance; I felt frustration that the problem would go unsolved. I felt unappreciated.

Today I spent some more time learning bridge with free software from the American Contact Bridge League. The lessons stretched on and on. On breaks from the lessons, I thought about what kind of social environment I wanted and needed, and whether it made sense to tire myself out with people I didn't care to socialize with, whether that was an acceptable way to treat them. I care about understanding bridge more than I care about interacting with them.

On second thought, having gone once was indeed a bit helpful to me. It helped me to realize that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that I'm not turning into a socially rusty clutz. Now that I'm somewhat more at peace with myself, I'm not so worried about that. Going also kind of helped me to see that I'm not missing anything.

Finally I gave up on the lessons. I found an email address and let someone know that I wouldn't be coming to bridge anymore.

I still have negative emotions that drag on forever/never get resolved, so this evening I started reading Emotional Clearing, which has something to do with self-acceptance and neutralizing the intensity of negative emotions by integrating (rather than rejecting) them.

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