improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
I asked her out twice. She finally responded to me yesterday but did not answer, so I asked her more directly. The logistics many not even work out. I have no affordable way out of town on weekends and she just got a new full-time job. Still, I hope she says yes because I likely won't find another person like her. We've only exchanged a few messages, yet the mere thought of going through this with another person makes me tired.

On craigslist I found a couple of nice cottages for rent out in the country, but my housing coordinator doesn't work on Fridays. I left a voicemail asking her to call for me. Someone with a car, more money, and no aversion to phone calls may have beat me to these places by Monday. Oh, one ad did include an email address, so I emailed the contact person. I hate having to ask people whether they will accept Section 8.

I have been indulging my desire for psychology books. Right now I'm reading Our Inner Conflicts by Karen Horney, M.D. (what the hell is a medical doctor doing practicing psychoanalysis?)  It is about "neuroses," and three early chapters describe the three components—moving towards people, moving against people, and moving away from people. Guess which one describes our heroine. Moving away from people is amazingly similar to Enneagram type 5 dynamics.

Of course, my mental life is not messed up enough to qualify as a "neurosis." The neurotic is supposedly willfully blind to the mechanics of her neurosis and will fight tooth and nail to remain so, all for the purpose of maintaining her way of life and avoiding being split in two by her conflicting drives. This awful feeling of social ambivalence I have, I think this must be what the splitting feels like—moving both toward and away from people. I'm reading a lot of these books to figure out what to do about it.

Interesting that typology and psychoanalysis have been more helpful to me than mainstream psychology. Type 5 and Horney's neurotic trend are so spot on, it's almost scary. The INTP personality type is pretty accurate as well. This might be because they describe traits that can exist in a mentally healthy person—a spectrum of functioning—rather than straight up dysfunction.

Today I did laundry in the bathtub and made a trip to the hardware and grocery stores. I was going to start walking again this evening, but I decided I'd better first see whether those chores/errands make me tired tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to bed!

I'm still jerking myself awake with intrusive thoughts. This is what I need to work on next.

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