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I spent about three and a half hours on my bike this afternoon. I'd expected to go about my day once I got home, but I haven't yet recovered, probably due in part to my having slept so little last night.

I found a bunch of tomatoes on the side of the road when I stopped to look for a place to pee. They were out in farmland, so they must have fallen off the truck on its way from the harvest.

I don't really enjoy the conversations I have with people. Even the good ones are kind of dull.

Playing the clarinet still hurts my mouth. Muscles still weak.

I am currently reading Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney, M.D. So far it hasn't been as useful as Our Inner Conflicts, but it is informative and interesting. I expect the next book—Self-Analysis—to be more useful than the former. Actually, I think (hope) I'm nearly done with the self-analysis phase. Everything seems so clear to me now that I struggle to imagine that much more remains to be unearthed.

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I was crestfallen today after finding out that the apartment I wanted had already been taken (and nearly a week before!). I felt panic begin to lick at me like the incoming tide licks at one's feet: did my housing coordinator get my message and call for me? Why hasn't my social worker responded to my emails? I feel anxious without that support network. Yet waiting on them can cause me to miss opportunities. So I have to decide whether to wait for their help or call myself (which, I fear, makes me vulnerable to discrimination).

A few months ago I put "female cutting" into the Youtube search engine and received a most unfortunate result. I was looking for fitness+dieting regimens but ended up faced with an image of a screaming child and videos about FGM. Of course it got stuck in my head.

It's gotten worse in the past week or two. I think about being cut. I imagine scissors and even sharpened pencils used on me. I imagine the pain (as best I can). I cut myself shaving once and sort of extrapolate from there. Sometimes these thoughts intrude even while I'm masturbating.

I think about other disturbing things happening to me as well. Yesterday I was outside reading when I had another intrusive FGM thought, and I also got a clear grasp on  why I have these intrusive thoughts. It's related to the Enneagram type 5 fear of engulfment. I'm afraid that I won't be able to recover psychologically if something awful happens to me. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by my emotional reactions, afraid of being unable to go on living with whatever demons I might pick up from a traumatic experience.

So I've spent much of my mental life trying to toughen myself up. At some point I unconsciously decided that imagining awful things would somehow help prepare me to deal with them. And I've been practicing endlessly, with all manner of situations: everything from failed dates to being tortured. Whenever I get news about something horrible someone is doing to someone else, I'm quick to incorporate that into my self-innoculating fantasies (is that the right word?). The thought that some kind of abuse exists for which I have not yet mentally prepared myself is anxiety-provoking. I have to be ready.

The likelihood that any particular calamity will befall me doesn't determine what gets stuck in my head. The main factor seems to be how strongly I identify with the victim(s), how concerned I am with their particular plight. So female-specific violence is high on the list of fears, even female-specific violence that is alien to this culture/region. I have pretty much zero racial identification, so I'm not at all concerned with racially motivated violence and hardly even consider racial job discrimination. 

This fear of engulfment represents a lack of confidence in my own psychological resourcefulness, and it isn't entirely unrealistic. It seems related to this empty core schizoid phenomenon—having little social support renders the individual psych weaker than it would otherwise be. So the solution—or a big part of it, at least—seems to be the same solution I've come to in several other matters: I must increase my social support. These intrusive thoughts, however, are so unconscious and ingrained that I fear increased social support won't dispel them.

Another thing that seems to help strengthen the core is fuller engagement with life in general—the act of living fills the mind and leaves no room for unrealistic and non-immediate fears. The simple act of successfully negotiating a variety of situations, even workaday situations, creates self-confidence.

A picture.

Aug. 23rd, 2017 11:06 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Do I post a picture or don't I? That is the question.

I don't want to post a picture on OkC because I'm squicked out at the idea of people creepin on my pics just cuz they like looking at pics. I know they're out there...also people who look at pics and don't read profile text. People who are too looks-focused for my taste, regardless of whether they like my looks.

Yet not posting a picture supposedly decreases my chances of finding someone.

But my chances are already super low because there aren't many vegans and I can't even search for vegans, so it seems I should focus on other websites (where I have no problem posting my picture).

Back and forth I go. One day, there may by that one perfect person who signs up...and passes up my profile because I've not posted a picture. Not one of the people I mentioned above, but someone who just doesn't want to put forth the effort to contact me, start a conversation with "incomplete" information, ask for a picture, and possibly reject me after seeing it (which probably makes people feel awkward).

Yep, I'm sticking with no picture though.

My bootleg copy of Rosetta Stone stopped working, so that's the end of my Russian lessons.
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Things are becoming clear to me, things about myself. So much that I can hardly keep up with it enough to post it coherently.

Claudio Naranjo (or was it Oscar Ichazo?) came up with a typology that describes people by one of three basic instincts: self-preservation, sexual (which is about more than sex), and social. My primary instinct is social, and that explains a lot about me, including my history of dicking around on Internet forums despite how much the interactions irritate me.

The social instinct represents a concern with the dynamics of groups of all sizes. It's kind of a strange primary instinct for a strong introvert, which explains why I've experienced so much turmoil over social situations: being a strong introvert is at odds with socializing, and So (the social instinct) pulls in the opposite direction, adaptation and conformity. The Sp (self-pres) and Sx doms don't worry about that shit.

There was a thread about being misjudged and whether we felt able to defend ourselves. I was a bit surprised that the others cared so little. Maybe it's just me having had a lifetime of being misjudged (or so it seems as I reflect lazily)...or maybe it's that social instinct causing me to care.

I like it when people agree or at least understand others' perspectives. That seems like a manifestation of the social instinct. A very troubling one, because people are very much at odds in not only their conclusions but their points of departure, their premises. I  never understood how regular people (not jerks) could not care about others' political opinions and even be friends with people who held diametrically opposed views. Now it seems that they are not So doms. Different views don't threaten them because they aren't tuned into social harmony the way I am. I guess. Other explanations are possible.

I ran out of OkC matches last night. I found a very few unsure "maybe's" and bookmarked them, then I hit the really low match percentages and that was the end. So I'm waiting to see if I'll get so tired of having like 0 dating prospects that I give up on finding a vegan.
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I told that goddamned doctor I wasn't depressed. I started lifting seriously again yesterday. My shoulders are sore. I really gotta take it easy on those squats. It's actually kind of a relief because I never much liked squats; I just got used to making myself do them and focusing on doing them properly.

Also a relief: it won't be the end of the world if I miss a workout. I don't like doing stuff regularly but I tried hard to make sure I lifted 3 times per week. Weight off my shoulders! And this will probably make me like lifting even more.

I just today got the idea to look up ways to practice my instruments without bothering neighbors. Why didn't I think of that before?? So I started playing clarinet again today too! I played in the closet lol. My neighbor told me just two days ago that her hearing is bad, so I'm even less worried about disturbing her. I dunno about that trumpet, though. That one is loud.

I also started studying Russian again today!

And I figured out how to add moisture to my hair without making it gooey or oily and without using mainstream products: I put shea butter in as a conditioner, then rinse it out. I just today ordered two pounds from Etsy.

Everything is chill except for this housing situation.
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Walking is boring and I felt fine after lifting a bit more a couple of days ago, so I just went out and cycled 20 or so miles today. It felt good until the wind started up. Betcha I'll feel fine tomorrow. I do have a slight headache right now, probably from not eating in a timely fashion after the exertion. Lunch was delayed because I had to go out and buy some tater tots for my tater tot pizza! It was tasty.

I asked other Enneagram type 5s for tips on self-motivating to meet new people. A couple of them told me to just go out and do things where people are without expecting much from other people, and they gave me examples of what they'd done. This advice confused and intrigued me because having little or no expectations of others would de-motivate me. Why go to all the trouble?

Then it hit me: these people aren't dealing with the fatigue and anxiety I experience trying to act "normal." Socializing with complete strangers must be relatively easy for them. I would never go out to eat with a whole group of complete strangers. I'd have nothing to say and my silence, obvious boredom, and curt answers would make the other diners feel awkward. I'd be stressed and anxious about not making eye contact. If I did have something to say, it wouldn't be any type of small talk. Either I'm uninterested when people are chatting or a detail that no one else really cares about grabs my attention and makes me want to ask questions to the point that the conversation is no longer "light."

As for going to a bigger event, people don't approach me and I don't approach them. I assume the former has something to do with my facial and bodily attitude being interpreted incorrectly. People have told me that I look sad/angry/depressed when I feel fine. I don't do the small talk reciprocity thing (asking people about themselves) and have given up on it almost entirely because it's too difficult, so that's another possible reason why the few people who have approached me in person soon gave up.

I don't approach other people because I have no reason to prefer one over another. I've been over this before: the sea of strangers. Again, why put forth so much effort on a complete gamble? I never have anything to say to anyone. Trying to small talk with a stranger takes too much effort and makes me feel awful. More importantly, I have no idea whether any of them would be interested in me, and I have good reason to believe that none would given the way I act (for starters). And I'm already tired by the time I get to events due to noise/transportation, so I can hardly put on my best face.

I feel defeated. It just hit me so hard how differently other people experience social interaction, and it reminded me of those stupid autism non-evaluations I had. I showed clear signs of perseveration on that card test and the goddamn administrator made me take it again, then conveniently neglected to mention that in the report even after I asked her to add it! I swear she was soooo biased against my having Asperger's (which she restated as autism, probably to bolster her flawed conclusions).

Anyways. At least now I know what the real problem is.

One person did give me helpful advice: to decide which kinds of people I would like to meet and focus on them to motivate myself. Well, I would like to meet people who are ok with the way I behave. It seems too much to ask to also meet people who have important things in common with me. Where do I find any such people? Positive thoughts, positive thoughts. I get tired of running on positive thoughts.

Today I watched this German horror movie. The one about the twins and their mother suddenly acting weird. Actually it was more like a thriller. It was sad :( Spoiler: the boy became psychotic after losing his brother and ended up torturing his mother to death because of his delusions.

I think I have finally found the solution to my scaly skin problem. I bought a rough body brush (cactus bristles) and it seems to get rid of dead skin very well. I'm not sure how it works (since my skin hurts and bleeds if I peel it off and is therefore obviously still alive), but I'll take it.
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I like to see eye-to-eye.

I like physical intimacy.

That's about it.

Eating foods I like makes dieting easy. Yesterday I pioneered a little brushetta pizza of only 200 or so calories, yet it is satisfying because I love pizza.

The neighbors were playing loud music this evening. I decided to try to deal with it instead of going to complain or just fuming here in the apartment.

I got a new bag of buckwheat hulls yesterday and re-filled my pillowcase today. I'm hoping to sleep better.

I found another apartment in my last town so here I go again on the rollercoaster of hope. Sooooo many apartments available in the cities, yet I can envision myself depressed, overstimulated, and afraid to walk alone late at night if I give up and move there.

I stopped drinking oceans of water and bedtime (without the thirst headaches I'd feared), so now I sleep through the night much more easily.
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My rep at the housing authority first said that the (prohibitively expensive to operate) space heaters the landlord gave me were considered similar to the wall unit (and so the landlord isn't obliged to fix/replace the broken wall unit).

Today she comes back and says that they're actually not similar, she's spoken to the landlord, and he says he'll do something about the busted heater. Whew! Ok, he said that before.

A mobile dental unit comes to town every week. I went there this morning and got a check-up. No cavities this time, yay! Tooth discoloration is only slight. The dentist confirmed that my gums are slightly receding, so I have to ease up on the way I brush (I already use soft brushes).

Then he told me that my bite is messed up: there's no space between my uppers and lowers when I bite down and a slight overbite is apparently normal. He suggested braces. LOL! Obamacare doesn't cover that and there's no way I'll ever come up with the money.

This place is weird: I swear spring was hotter than summer, and it's already getting cool with another month of summer left. The last month of summer is usually the hottest.

I've got two personal blogs now so I'm losing track of what psychology stuff I'm posting in each. A few days ago, I finished reading Our Inner Conflicts: A Constructive Theory of Neurosis. Though recognizing all the traits in myself has taken a few days, this book  has been hugely helpful. Never have I read any psych theory with which I can identify so well.

Now that I know my problem is conflicting drives (I kinda knew that before but didn't see it clearly), I just have to figure out how to resolve the conflict. I can neither isolate myself (cuz that's dissatisfying and will make me a nutcase) nor plunge blindly into socializing (due to hypersensitivity and the basic fact that not everyone or every situation will suit me); I have to find some sort of balance between the two. Before I resolve the conflict, I must first do something about the hypersensitivity. And that's gonna be a tough nut to crack.

Horney says that hypersensitivity is a symptom of hopelessness, and this I can relate to very well. Not being completely bereft of hope, but hopeless about things pertaining to the conflict—social life. Thinking of the hypersensitivity in terms of emptiness, however, seems more useful to me (and emptiness is a concept that is explored in the schizoid literature, so I might finally get some use out of that work). When people have a solid base of social support, small social upsets don't ruin their day and plunge them into rumination. I've never had such support, however, so I'm empty in that sense. Getting rid of the hypersensitivity will therefore be a challenge. What will I fill myself up with?

Shit, it's midnight already.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Pulling my hair out over my lack of housing options and my life in general being on hold. I can't meet my OkC match, there's nothing to do in this town, and I'm still working back up to exercising. My first course doesn't start for another month. At least I found out that transferring to Santa Cruz county probably won't be as difficult as I thought it'd be.

I've been worried that I'll forget proper lifting form, so today I did half of my weightlifting warm-up to help me retain muscle memory. DAMN it felt good. As usual, I need to observe how I feel tomorrow and the next day to decide whether this is sustainable. I expect to feel fine. I know I'm getting better because I hardly slept at all last night, yet I felt fine today. :) I went outside just before my evening walk and suddenly felt like running.

This pause in my fitness routine has a bright side: I'm no longer so attached to lifting. I was like so addicted to it that I couldn't stop despite the fact that my body composition was not going in the right direction. I wanted (and want) to slim down, and, as a mesomorph, I need to focus on endurance cardio more than heavy lifting. That's another reason why I need to get the hell away from this town: so I can resume cycling. I haven't figured out how much lifting I'll do.

Those menstrual cramps got worse :( I couldn't sleep last night. 

I'm soooooo damned booorrrrrred at times.
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
Hmm, my match can't meet on weekdays until after 7 PM, and I have no way back home that late except by taxi (for which I do not want to pay even thought it'd only cost me $20). The part of me that's ready to throw in the towel grew after I read this last message. As I was waiting to fall asleep last night, the fact that I'm not physically attracted to her crept up on me. It's something I'd hardly thought about at all. She's a vegan, she's a lesbian, she's non-gender-conforming, and she's not an NT. I was focused on all those too-good-to-be-true qualities to the exclusion of pretty much anything else.

She's not at all ugly; she's just not a butch lesbian. Or, at least, she doesn't seem like one. And that's really the only type of person to whom I've ever been strongly attracted. I think a small part of me was relieved that she isn't a butch lesbian because anything involving butch lesbians is almost too stimulating to bear.

After astramance, I told myself that I would never again position myself to break anyone's heart by trying to date someone who was not a butch lesbian. I was so certain that no one else would work for me. I was not (and am not) intellectually certain, I was intuitively certain. Intellectually, I thought (and sometimes still think) I can be strongly attracted to other lesbians. Maybe I don't think it so much as I sort of almost want it to be true.

But my intuition (or some other slightly sub-conscious part of me that is somewhat independent of and side-eyeing my intellect) is fairly certain that I will only ever be strongly attracted to butch lesbians. That's because my intuition is observing my non-intellectual reactions to females, noting a marked and consistent difference in favor of the former.

Why am I talking about myself as if I'm split in two.

It's not just attraction. It's comfort. It would be soooooo indescribably weird to be involved with someone and have her coming over to my place and leaving things about like purses and pink crap and panties. *grimace* Or deal with the fake, cutesy mannerisms of femininity. Like that come-hither tilt of the head? PUKE I hate that shit so much.

Anyways, that stuff has nothing to do with my match (I think). I'm rambling.

I also think that a small part of me was eager to go on a date just to see if I could act normal on a date. A self-test. Application of some of the psych theory in which I've immersed myself of late. And to initiate a relationship in the hopes that it would help me act and feel more "normal." Selfish reasons.

I'm not even sure she really wants to go out with me. Her agreement was far from enthusiastic: "Sure, I'll go out." I mean who says, "I'll go out"? People might say "I'll go out with you," but not just, "I'll go out." Not a big deal, it just seemed weird. Who knows with these autistic people lol.

Today I received my copy of and started reading A Field Guide to Earthlings: An Autistic/Asperger View of Neurotypical Behavior. I needed to add something to my Amazon order to get free shipping, and this was on my wish list and cost about as much as I needed to add.

This book is really something: very original. Significantly more difficult to understand than I'd anticipated. The author uses many extended metaphors to illustrate concepts. There's a little mock play that continues throughout the whole book, and the author uses the characters' behavior to explain NTs.

The first chapter is about the way NTs perceive things, and the first concept is sensory Desensitization. Yep, that sounds about right, what with all that racket NTs seem to love or not notice. Of course by "racket" I'm including such "quiet" things as having the TV on in the background. Racket according to improperlyhuman. The ability to have a conversation with background noise, stuff like that is what Desensitization is about.

The second chapter (I'm in the middle of it) is about patterns of belief. This chapter makes NTs look bad. Particularly the part about NTs regarding "highly arbitrary and temporal social 'reality'" as if it were as real as physical reality. Basically over-valuing socially constructed bullshit.

I really have to read this book rather like it was a textbook, so densely packed with info it is.

I was expecting my period to get worse and worse now that I'm not exercising, but it's been rather tame these last couple months. I'm not finding it easy to get back into an exercise routine because it isn't in the back of my mind anymore.

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She said yes! That was the easy part. I just spent something like an hour poring over bus and train schedules, trying to figure out when and where we could meet up that wouldn't leave me stranded for the night. I found two places near vegan restaurants, and I'll only have to take two buses to get to each. Now the issues are:

1. can she meet up on a weekday afternoon, and
2. paying attention to the time so I don't miss the bus back home

So shitty being worried about time on a goddamned date. Actually I can just set the alarm on my cell phone. Who the

Not really excited anymore, just exhausted and concerned about late buses and stuff. Trying to coordinate different forms of public transportation really taxes my executive functioning. Part of me just wants to cancel the whole thing. I know I will feel like crap after being out all day and I won't be able to go on many subsequent dates until I move away from here. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We may not have any subsequent dates.

I took a thirty-three minute walk this evening. According to MapQuest, that's about how much time it will take to get from the train to the vegan pizza. So if I feel like crap tomorrow, I'll know what to look forward to.

I'm slowly losing weight, slowly losing my gains. My thighs used to be rock hard; now they're kinda jiggly. One of the benefits of being a mesomorph is that I'd retain a decent amount of muscle mass even if I lost weight with no toning exercise.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I asked her out twice. She finally responded to me yesterday but did not answer, so I asked her more directly. The logistics many not even work out. I have no affordable way out of town on weekends and she just got a new full-time job. Still, I hope she says yes because I likely won't find another person like her. We've only exchanged a few messages, yet the mere thought of going through this with another person makes me tired.

On craigslist I found a couple of nice cottages for rent out in the country, but my housing coordinator doesn't work on Fridays. I left a voicemail asking her to call for me. Someone with a car, more money, and no aversion to phone calls may have beat me to these places by Monday. Oh, one ad did include an email address, so I emailed the contact person. I hate having to ask people whether they will accept Section 8.

I have been indulging my desire for psychology books. Right now I'm reading Our Inner Conflicts by Karen Horney, M.D. (what the hell is a medical doctor doing practicing psychoanalysis?)  It is about "neuroses," and three early chapters describe the three components—moving towards people, moving against people, and moving away from people. Guess which one describes our heroine. Moving away from people is amazingly similar to Enneagram type 5 dynamics.

Of course, my mental life is not messed up enough to qualify as a "neurosis." The neurotic is supposedly willfully blind to the mechanics of her neurosis and will fight tooth and nail to remain so, all for the purpose of maintaining her way of life and avoiding being split in two by her conflicting drives. This awful feeling of social ambivalence I have, I think this must be what the splitting feels like—moving both toward and away from people. I'm reading a lot of these books to figure out what to do about it.

Interesting that typology and psychoanalysis have been more helpful to me than mainstream psychology. Type 5 and Horney's neurotic trend are so spot on, it's almost scary. The INTP personality type is pretty accurate as well. This might be because they describe traits that can exist in a mentally healthy person—a spectrum of functioning—rather than straight up dysfunction.

Today I did laundry in the bathtub and made a trip to the hardware and grocery stores. I was going to start walking again this evening, but I decided I'd better first see whether those chores/errands make me tired tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to bed!

I'm still jerking myself awake with intrusive thoughts. This is what I need to work on next.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I am a copyeditor. I can clearly see that I chose the most appropriate editing specialty: I don't have quite the attention to detail required for proofreading, and substantive editing is exhausting. I know it's exhausting because I end up having to do it with every one of my clients.

The endless awkwardly and ambiguously phrased sentences! My goodness. I find myself sinking so deeply into the morass of bad English that I temporarily forget proper usage. Copyeditors are supposed to focus on details like punctuation and proper usage, not re-writing whole sentences. The cherry on top is the balance between re-writing and maintaining the author's writing style. 

And the cherry on top of that cherry is that I'm being underpaid. My rate is for copyediting; substantive editing commands a higher rate. I don't want to rock the boat by asking my client to increase my rate, however. I need to get into the habit of reviewing documents more closely before I take jobs. That way, I can tell whether substantive editing will be necessary.

So editing this 7,000 word document is taking an inordinate amount of time (normally I'd finish this within two days). I simply don't have the cognitive energy to re-word much IT content each day, and that has nothing to do with my ongoing fatigue problem. Oh well. I'm making hundreds of dollars on this contract, the second most lucrative I've ever had.

I received my new back brush yesterday and used it for the first time today! It's a sturdy, one-piece affair with satisfiably firm bristles. I scrubbed for a long time but the center of my back was still dirty after I got out of the shower. I guess scrubbing away weeks' worth of grime takes time.

I'm frustrated and worried about my lack of housing options. I re-considered moving back to Santa Cruz county, but I doubt I can bear the logistics. The local VA must have room for me in their program, and I'd have to find someone willing to rent to me before I transferred the voucher, without the assistance of the housing coordinator because she doesn't work with that county. So I'd probably have to travel all the way to Santa Cruz county at least once and stay at least one day because it's too far away/public transportation is too disjointed for me to make the last trip back into town.

The small towns in that county are wealthy and snow white and I have zero confidence that I'd manage to convince anyone to rent to me. I don't want to live in the city of Santa Cruz because the crime rate is too high.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My OkC match has stopped responding to me, so I guess that's the end of that. I tried to look for another match (for chat/friendship) but I didn't really have the energy. My results page is just a sea of faces to me.

I don't quite know what to do. Apparently it's best to have some sort of social contact, but no dates are forthcoming and I'm ambivalent, unmotivated, and unlikely to succeed in the friendship department. I just thought of something. People say just go out and pursue interests/hobbies and you'll find friends. I never really made friends that way, just one person I met at a gay and lesbian group in community college. I never found a reason to approach anyone. How do people decide whom to approach?

Anyways, I decided that's a poor strategy for me because shared interests are not very important to me. It's shared politics that are important. So the analog of that advice would be involving myself in politically related activities. Not activism proper; I haven't the energy at this point.

I don't feel comfortable dragging someone into a friendship that I don't particularly want. I imagine the friendship being shallow, more like an acquaintanceship. A shallow relationship doesn't seem like the best thing for someone who has no relationships. But if I don't get a date, I'd have no deep relationship regardless of whether I also got a shallow friendship, so I guess it doesn't matter. Probably I worry too much. Other people are probably used to and ok with a not-very-close friendship.

But I'd have to deal with more shuffling through incompatible people and possible rejection for that acquaintanceship. Hardly seems worth it! Seems like I've spent my entire life around incompatible people. How demoralizing to have to endure more to get to the compatible people (assuming there are some). I was thinking about the strategy of going out and collecting rejections until rejections aren't a big deal any more.

That actually seems like a bad idea for someone who has in some sense experienced nothing but rejection so far. It would just create more unpleasant and demotivating memories that would disincline the person to keep trying. I guess in my case it's not the rejection itself that's the problem, it's the lack of expectation of success.

I guess I'm gonna try anyways, though.

I've noticed that I talk out loud and make random physical gestures when I'm more or less relaxed. Definitely the kind of person people want to be friends with. The talking is sometimes related to my being caught up in frustrating thoughts, but the gestures seem to be happy movements.

My health seems to have worsened. I'm tired all day again, albeit not as tired as I was before I stopped exercising. A bit of brain fog has returned as well. The doctor told me to call him if I wasn't able to start walking without fatigue, and it looks like that's what I'll end up doing. I'm on the verge of trying the sleeping pills he suggested. I don't even know if insufficient or unrestful sleep is the problem. I sleep around 6 or 7 hours per night. He said that's sufficient and didn't account for my fatigue.

My life so shitty. What if my chronic fatigue is a manifestation of a psychological problem? There's no way to know except to change my psychological circumstances.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I've been seeking information about possible pitfalls of dating as someone with a dysfunctional background/no primary relationship/limited bonding experience. I don't want to unconsciously do something self-destructive and sabotage my future relationships.

I got my copy Disorders of Personality: DSM IV and Beyond yesterday. Today I read through the schizoid and avoidant sections, and just a bit of the schizotypal sections. I couldn't relate to much of it at all.

Yesterday I read through Survival Games Personalities Play, and I couldn't much relate to that either.

Today I researched attachment styles. I thought that exploring my complete lack of paternal attachment and disrupted maternal attachment (e.g., my mom abandoned me for a year when I was 5) might be helpful. Of the pathological attachment styles, dismissive-avoidant describes me best, but I'm so far away from the problematic thoughts and behavior described that I couldn't make any use of what I read. It's not helpful to describe myself with any of the attachment styles, not even the healthy one.

It seems I still haven't recovered from my grocery shopping trip two days ago.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I spent the whole day procrastinating instead of working. I didn't want to look at the Word document because I felt I couldn't bear to see any comments from my client that could even remotely be interpreted as critical. I sat in front of the computer screen and put my hands over my eyes. I picked up the keyboard and put it back down again multiple times. I unfocused my eyes so that the comments were blurry then scanned the document, as if I could pre-detect critical comments and thereby avoid reading them.

Once I finally got down to work, I found that I only had twelve minutes worth of work to do. The client had not even addressed most of my comments. I'm glad I got it done. Going to bed without having taken care of that responsibility would have felt bad.

I keep posting on this typology forum despite the anxiety it gives me. People thank my comments and that sometimes makes me more anxious. So I can't use this as exposure therapy. My anxiety management plan is basically "do it anyways." That gets things done, but it doesn't get rid of the anxiety.

While sitting and staring at a notification about a response to one of my comments, trying to calm my fears that the respondent was angry with me, I typed up an anxiety mantra for myself. I said it out loud before I clicked on the comment, but of course it didn't work, lol. But I read it anyways and it was ok. But it almost seems that no number of positive experiences can drown out this anxiety, like it's no longer in my head and has migrated such that the entirety of it is in my body. That's where I feel it. My thoughts are clear and don't race, but this makes no difference: the tightness in my chest is still there.

I walked for an hour and a half yesterday, and I was a little tired today. I didn't take the doctor's advice about going easy on the walking. Now I will. I wonder what's wrong with me...

Tomorrow is grocery day. I didn't finish my shopping list. It's nice to have some leeway in the food I buy rather than having to plan every cent for a bodybuilding diet.

I messed around online until my wrist hurt.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
The rheumatologist told me that my Vitamin D level was normal, but that he wants me to continue taking the elevated dose, particularly if I am to try to start exercising again. He said that the combination of exercise and low Vitamin D is particularly apt to cause fatigue, and suggested that I start off slowly adding exercise, walking first.

My insurance won't cover a sleep study.

He also tried pushing that depression crap on me again. I'm confident that feeling significantly better after stopping exercise is not consistent with depression. I told him that I always feel bad when I have to travel far, and he tried to pin that on depression. Situational fatigue and migraines do not really suggest depression!

I was frustrated. I'm tired of doctors trying to diagnose my physical problems as mental illnesses. I "look depressed" because I'm freakin sick! I heard one of his bones crack and the sound gave me a tremor. He was looking dead at me when it happened but didn't see fit to remark on it. What the hell is up with that? I guess my tremors are also caused by a mental illness.

I took a cab back home so yay! didn't have to listen to that guy chatter for an hour on the way back into town. I told the cab driver to disregard his GPS directions and we ended up sitting in traffic for a while. I felt kinda bad about that. The GPS said to make a turn that would have been a large deviation, and I didn't know that these devices had real-time data on traffic conditions.

After my appointment today, I decided that going hiking is not a good idea given my medical condition. I hope my new OkC person and I can do something else.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I hope. For how long, I don't know. I called a shelter in the town I had my campsites in when I was homeless. They had space in the emergency family shelter, so I 
gave them my sister's name and let her know to show up. I don't know how it turned out and I'm afraid to text her and ask. 

She called me today and told me she couldn't open a checking account because she had no money and couldn't get a payday advance loan because she had no checking account! And a few other details that further solidified my impression that she's totally failing at homelessness. I was so frustrated, I could hardly concentrate on my work. I was doing a trial editing job for a new potential client. I still can't figure out how someone with so much income got so behind on a mere $75 monthly storage payment, and why she would then decide to pay it all off at once, leaving herself no gas money!

So I don't want to find out what happened because I don't want to return to that state of worry just before bedtime. She may have gone to bed already anyhow.

Ooooh! I finally got my housing coordinator's info and called her about the apartment I found on craigslist. Sooooo excited. She called the contact person for me but had to leave a message; however, she has contacts and said she would ask around the town to see if she could get any more information about the place and possibly drive by and take a look at it! Awesome. I used to think I wasted my time in the military, but it's turned out to be pretty much the most valuable thing I ever did. Vets get a lot of great services.

OMG. That person I've been talking to on OkC has sent me another message. I'm scared to read it. Procrastination with respect to anything that may cause an emotional reaction, that's me. That's Enneagram type 5. I just have to force myself to do things. Once I do, I sometimes wish I hadn't waited so long (especially when it comes to work).

Whew. Everything was fine. I'm super excited about meeting her. We've been talking about going hiking. Now that I'll have some transportation money, the main problem is my ability to physically handle hours on public transportation.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't want to go. I waited until the last minute and then didn't cancel because I kept thinking that maybe the doctor would be able to do something for me. Like that sleep study. Then at least my sleeping problems would be documented. But I kinda feel that I'm just clutching at straws. I know I'll have to fix this myself, and really, what good will documented insomnia do me? I don't expect the sleep study center to find that I have any other problem.

I went walking for about one and a quarter hours this evening. Surely I can do something as easy as walking without feeling exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

So I guess I'll need information on intrusive thoughts and maybe CBT or something for my insomnia.

I have like no appetite lately.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My mom, sister, and nephew just left. They're still homeless. They drove quite a ways. three or so towns, just to get a shower, and my mom didn't get a full one because it's late and she has to drive my sister to work tomorrow.

I once again suggested that my sister get a gym membership. She said that she can't get one because she doesn't have a checking account. She said she got tired of her checking account because it got hacked and the bank lost her money. Multiple times. Wth? So she accesses her money through a prepaid debit card, which the gym won't accept.

She also said the local homeless shelter stopped allowing daily walk-in showers. And that the shelter is moving towards serving men more. They're not allowing families anymore! What the hell is that? Why prioritize grown ass men over children?!

I just had an idea and texted her: Keep only a small amount of money in a checking account.

I'm angry about the homeless shelter situation in this country. Children, females, the disabled, and the elderly should get first dibs, and womyn should not be thrown out in the street for complaining about the men who are now being allowed in womyn's shelters. I hate people so damned much.

I only worked about three hours today, yet I have a headache from staring at the computer screen.

Seems like my sleep aids aren't working anymore. Until recently, I couldn't have said why I've been having trouble sleeping. Now, however, I clearly notice myself jerking awake as a worrisome thought crosses my mind. I still have a terrible unconscious habit of morbidly reminding myself of various types of suffering and abuse I've heard about.

Speaking of the unconscious, I've pretty much finished reading Quenk's book about inferior function drama. The information confirmed my type (INTP); I could relate to the INTP inferior function experience (extraverted Feeling), but not the INTJ experience (extraverted Sensing).

Previously, I'd thought that my little pR0n overindulgence problem was an Se inferior "grip," but I now think that was an isolated incident with a different explanation. Come to think of it, that time I spent eating myself into obesity in France could be interpreted as an Se grip experience...but meh. The explanation of the problem doesn't matter as much as the solution.

And I think the relationship between Myers-Briggs theory and the unconscious may be able to help me find the solution to my insomnia because I seem to be unconsciously keeping myself awake. Or maybe sub-consciously is the word. Too bad the shitty therapist couldn't help me. Anyways, it is helping with my social problems.

So I've earned nearly $500 in the past three days (which is unheard of for me), and I am so relieved. $700 in the bank is a very real cushion for someone in my position, and I can allow myself modest little indulgences (like a five-dollar book off of ebay) without guilt and worry.

At this moment I am quite tired but don't feel myself able to sleep.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
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