improperlyhuman: (Default)
I didn't really feel fatigued today, but I did feel a bit weak when I was lifting. Then it hit me: what if I made those spectacular gains (squatting up to 140, rowing 65, deadlifting 165) not because the caffeine restored my strength, but because of the caffeine itself? What if it acted as a performance enhancing drug, and that's why I can't lift as much even though my fatigue is mostly gone? Hmm.

I am so freakin understimulated.

99% match in my visitors list on okc. Asexual, agender, and non-binary. And in Germany. All my best matches are in freakin Europe!

Shit. I can't pay my energy bill.

I got a response from the editing outfit I applied to. My editing sample was rejected because of one punctuation mistake. This does not bode well. I'm an editor, not a proofreader. If they are expecting perfection, that's gonna be a problem.

I don't wanna go to bed. I never want to go to bed. Another exciting thing that happened day before yesterday was that my book Working the Organizing Experience arrived. I've wanted this book for at least a year. It's about a therapeutic intervention for "autistic," "psychotic," and "schizoid" states and posits a failure to bond in infancy as the cause of these states. Me being a diagnosed schizoid, I wanted to see what it was about. I was somewhat disappointed to see that it's of a psychoanalytic bent. And the writing is not good, like verbose ivory tower not good.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm almost back to normal! I did exercise today, but still no incapacitating fatigue. I began to get a bit tired in the early evening, but I didn't feel nearly as bad as I've been feeling.

It feels so good to be able to do things, to think, again, that I've been content these past few days to do household chores even! Normally I can't be bothered regardless of how good I feel. To be able to go about, to achieve things, to experience being alive while clear-headed, is wondrous.

I do feel like something of a dumbass, albeit somewhat tentatively. Since this came about without any medical treatment, the most likely cause is Vitamin D3 deficiency. A simple thing to solve, something I should have solved when my primary care doctor first told me to increase my dosage. Alas, I've apparently had to increase it by 4 times as much as what the doc advised. I've been taking 500% RDA since I saw the rheumatologist.

Someone contacted me on OkC to rant about queer politics XD. I don't at all mind being a magnet to such people.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm excited to start living again. I applied to another online editing outfit that pays pennies. Having earned a decent wage so often now has spoiled me somewhat; I'm terribly hesitant to offer my services for the low prices such businesses offer and resentful that I have to resort to them. I am, however, in an extended dry spell, so I may as well spend part of it earning a little money (and experience) rather than spending all of it earning no money at all. I just need to save up a bit so that I can move away. I've less than a hundred dollars to my name at the moment.

My diet, my decreased reps, or both seem to have worked; my jeans aren't as tight as they were. Still, my ass and thighs are bigger than I would like them to be.

OkC users have to pay to search by dietary preference, and my A-List subscription expired, so finding a date isn't going well and will take a lot of work (combing profiles).

Ok, well. Just found me a demisexual. Gotta go look that up now.

Demisexuals may or may not be interested in sex. Wow, that's helpful. I wouldn't bother with this shit if it weren't so hard to find me a vegan. I don't understand the need for a whole category for people who only feel sexual attraction in the context of an emotional bond. That doesn't seem uncommon. Anyways, this user isn't into hippies, so I guess I'll pass. I'm a hippie according to my idea of a hippie, but I've no idea what she thinks a hippie is. Useless profile information.

Next user has herself listed as both lesbian and bisexual. And gay!

So I'm having to choose people to click on based on pics (which I loathe doing) and match %. I'm just picking anyone who doesn't look gender-conforming.

Shit. Found one but she's in France.

This blog substitutes somewhat for talking to people. Sometimes I never want the post to end. But I'm trying to waste less time.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
A crazy thought went through my head: what if I'm over-exercising? It's crazy because I don't exercise very much. 25 measly minutes of fasted cardio 6 days per week. 1 hour of lifting three days per week (with 3 minutes of rest in between sets!). And a few hours of walking each week. This is nothing!

But I acted on my crazy idea. No fasted cardio and no walking today. I did, however, do some chores (cooking and laundry). And I felt pretty good today. I still felt the need to lay down for a little while, but I didn't go to sleep in the middle of the day, and I didn't have much trouble getting up. Most importantly, no brain fog!

So what gives?! Is my body, my love of which I so recently professed, such a piece of trash that it can't endure a little bit of exertion? Am I still not getting enough protein?

Maybe it's not the exercise. I've been waking up feeling tired, but I felt ok when I woke up this morning. This was after lifting last night and, obviously, before I'd had a chance to exercise today.

I'm going to not exercise again tomorrow and see what happens. Maybe. I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe the fatigue is some kind of stress response. I did decide last night to not cycle today; maybe knowing that I wouldn't have to do fasted cardio increased my energy somehow. I do dislike fasted cardio...but that's only true since I've been feeling fatigued! I rather enjoyed it back before my digs burned down.

This is crazy. Some aspect of this must be all in my head.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I keep finding these little itchy bumps on my body, and I still don't know what to make of them. They go away in a couple of days, then I find one or two more.

The apparent respite in my fatigue was short-lived. The weird thing is that I seem to be able to hold the fatigue at bay with exercise—workouts or chores—yet I begin to feel tired shortly after I stop.

I want to know what the hell is going on, and I have to wait two and a half weeks for my next rheumatology appointment.

Oh shit! Just remembered that I was supposed to go for a walk today. Well hell. I'm burning too many calories anyways, so missing one day won't really hurt me.

Today is only day 2 and I'm already ambivalent about this diet; it seems almost too much to endure what with the fatigue and all. I said the same damned thing the last time I tried to diet. Although I've tried this and found it didn't help, I still have the sense that eating more food would make me feel less tired.

And another thing...I don't really want to be thinner. I want it but it's not super important. I'm on this diet because I hate abandoning my goals. I don't like to give up. I don't know why sticking to a goal for its own sake seems so important. Kinda crazy, isn't it?

I put in a lot of work proposals today and it took so much effort. Can't work without energy and can't move away without money. I think that there is a chance that I'd miraculously get well if I moved away. Maybe I don't feel depressed because all the depression is in my body. If that's even possible.

I have continued to work by myself on psychosocial problems. Day before yesterday, I made a thread and once again had to abandon it due to unsupportable anger and frustration over one or two of the responses. This is a very obvious pattern and it's past time I examine it. Well, the result of my examination is quite ugly.

I decided this evening that there are two main phenomena at play in these situations: lack of social connection and frustrated entitlement.

The latter seems the less serious issue. No matter how nasty I see people get, no matter how foreign they seem, no matter how boring they are, I cling to the expectation of social interaction that is (as I've written in my little journal sitting here) smooth, respectful, focused, and enriching. So when the hiccups, the misunderstandings, the disagreements, the seemingly stupid questions and obvious observations, the assumptions, the derailments inevitably happen, I cannot endure these things.

I could probably learn to take these things. I could, for example, go back and force myself to read through that thread, telling myself that it's ok to be angry and frustrated but that these bumps aren't the end of the world.

Far more hopeless is my lifelong lack of social connection. I don't know whether I am missing something that other people have that attaches them to others or I'm just in the clutches of a lifelong habit. But I think that every time one of these unpleasant things happens, justified or not I see another nail in the coffin that holds my social life. I see another piece of evidence that I can never convince anyone of anything, can never have any but the most basic of my perspectives understood, can never be taken at face value, can never escape the random little moods and hangups of others (yuck). Can never be on the same page, ever.

But I don't really have adequate evidence of those things since I've begun coping with the emotions by abandoning my own discussions. There are some sixteen other responses that I've not even read because avoidance, withdrawal, giving up, forgetting the whole affair, seems the only way for me to modulate my emotional response. My response is always intense, but that's because, I think, I've little social experience to ground me enough to modulate the intensity.

In my family, there were no discussions. There was no talking through disagreements, no voicing my opinion. It was my dad's way or the highway. My dad lectured, and everyone else kept quiet and listened or risked a blow. So no grounding social experience in my childhood to show me that these disagreements and things were no big deal, no experience handling them properly.

Then I spent most of the rest of my life never really talking to anyone, and disagreeing and explaining even less, so no experience there. Very little experience seeing that the world wouldn't end over a disagreement. Very little experience feeling myself understood. Where those experiences should be, deep within me, supporting my current experiences from my core, there is a void.

The thing that makes this more hopeless than the sense of entitlement is the lack of an immediate solution. I can work on my entitlement right away (I think), but there is nothing I can do to make up for 36 years of barren social life. I can only try to create that life now. But it seems so late. And the only way to make it to those grounding social experiences is to pass the gatekeeper social experiences: the acquaintances, the getting-to-know you phase, the first dates, the uncertain approaches, the mis-steps, the randomness. All the things I hate the most about socializing. It seems so much work. And I'm not even sure that would fix the problem. And my motivation is somewhat lacking because I know from long experience that I can just go back to isolation and survive.

And this is why I'm literally tired of being alive. It must be taken one day at a time. Right now looking too far into the future is the way of hopelessness. I feel like I can't be normal enough to deal with the small, auxiliary social experiences until I get that one deep social experience, but I can't get the latter without putting up with the former. It's a circle with no opening through which I can comfortably insert myself. The only proper entry point is childhood, and that's over for me, so I've no choice but to do it the hard way.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Seems like my high-protein diet is working. Today was the first day and already I didn't really feel much fatigue at all. I was tired from yesterday's all-day shopping excursion, but nothing so debilitating as what I've been experiencing.

I've put myself back on a diet, one with which I am supposed to lose 1/2 pound per week. Not sure this is sustainable because I am quite hungry. No organic potatoes at the crappy local grocery store, and bringing some home with me yesterday would have been too much to carry, so I'm having 4 meals per day instead of the 5 I'd planned.

Although having to space my meals further apart is a pain, the number of meals is not a huge deal because I was able to expand the 4 meals to cover the calories of the fifth. The number of calories I'm supposed to be eating, however, feels a bit too low. Seems to me that I don't workout much, so perhaps it's the muscle I've put on eating up all those calories. Actually, I do need to eat something close to bedtime, so the number of meals might be a bigger problem than I'd previously thought. Perhaps I will put the wheat gluten and wheat bran together as a fifth meal. The gluten did not work so well in my evening stew, and I'm not really using the wheat bran except for a couple of teaspoons in my breakfast.

I had my first homemade burrito in forever and it was wonderful! It was just a simple deal with spiced pinto beans, iceberg lettuce, and store-bought salsa on a whole wheat tortilla, but I quite enjoyed it. I tried mixing the beans with wheat bran for even more protein and volume, but that didn't pan out.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
It's 3 AM. Today was grocery day and I was gone for literally 12 hours. Hoping to avoid passenger chatter, I took the earliest bus. More people than usual were riding, but, lo and behold! The ride was quiet. I was content.

I got held up at the diagnostics place because my clinic hadn't faxed my blood work request.

Vital wheat gluten was at the discount grocery store, so I made good use of my food stamps in the protein department. At the gourmet grocery store, I finally found some tortillas that don't have preservatives in them! Hooray. Now I can have burritos every day. I'm pinning my health hopes on this increase in protein.

Yesterday evening, I stuffed myself with a pizza that had an insanely thick crust, then rolled over and zonked out for a few hours. Woke up at 1 AM thirsty but also in need of electrolytes. My body told me that water wouldn't cut it. I went out in hopes that one of our three local liquor stores was open, but was disappointed. So I just had some chilled water (I usually prefer it at room temp; air force boot camp ruined cold water for me). I don't know what I'm doing now. I vaguely feel that I cannot or should not go to sleep.

Oh yeah. And the itchy things on my skin. They don't look like rashes, but the skin is red and there is like one bump for each spot. One on each arm, one underneath the right side of my rib cage. I think there was one on my leg too, but I can't remember where at the moment. Totally random.

Then I had something on the right edge of my tongue, like the irritation from eating sour candies, except I hadn't eaten any sour candies. The skin on my tongue is torn; I've done that before while eating tortilla chips, and I had some day before yesterday. I don't know what to think because these resemble two of the symptoms the rheumatologist told me to look for.

I guess I'll try to go to sleep now. Mildly excited to see how
much protein I'll be packing into a day tomorrow.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The worries!

I should have gone to bed early so that I could catch the bus early tomorrow. My long-term client sends me work on the most inconvenient days. Please please please let there not be people chatting on the bus tomorrow!

I spent the whole afternoon sleeping and lying down due to fatigue. My fatigue is worse. I'm going to get my blood taken tomorrow.

I dislike the size of my legs but I'm not quite ready to stop the heavy lifting. First I have to find another program or a way to modify my current program.

For now the worries have been replaced by anger and frustration.

I've noticed that I have difficulty differentiating between similar emotions. I'm not sure whether I feel anger or frustration right now. Perhaps I feel both.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
It doesn't work anymore. For example, I had two Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars and half a Red Bull yesterday, and I was still hella tired. But I dragged myself up for that workout anyhow. I had a double dose of Vitamin D3 today. Still tired. I suppose Vitamin D3 doesn't work so fast that I'd notice it in a matter of hours anyhow.

Good news, though: My concentration has much improved. Racing, anxious thoughts have decreased somewhat. It seems I'm able to read a bit again, so I've ordered my next selection of old school lesbian fiction: The Haunting at Hill House.

I'm trying harder to save up to move away, so I'll be taking the shuttle to go grocery shopping. Yesterday in the shower I suddenly saw that I'd be better off saving up the money I spend on the taxi service for some good earphones. On second thought, I think the best are Bose, and they cost like three hundred dollars.

I told the shrink my concerns about delving into my dysfunctional childhood, and that dissipated my hesitation quite a bit. We talked about it and it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd feared, largely because we didn't go into detail. These books on the topic, I'm about through with them because I can't strongly relate. My childhood didn't mess me up so badly.

I coulda swore I just saw little stars swirling around out of the corner of my eye.

I eat so much nowadays, it is ridiculous. Wouldn't it be funny if I put on so much muscle that I couldn't comfortably feed myself on food stamps? Ha.

The shrink was surprised when I told her that my parents were criminals. I think she thought that I came from money, lol. She said that she imagined that my dad was a successful businessman and ran a traditional family. Nope. Long ways from traditional we were. My parents weren't even married.

I feel at peace today. I really decided to stop worrying about what I might be missing and how weird I might seem, it is really setting in. Thinking it was just the first step; I had to let it percolate in my sub-conscious a bit.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt great today and thought that my fatigue is finally going away! I cleaned the apartment a bit and did some laundry. Then I suddenly began to feel very tired this evening around 6 PM while preparing for my walk.

I went outside to see if I could still manage the walk, but I felt heavy, brain-foggy, like a zombie. I had a bit of Red Bull, maybe 1/4 of a can, but it did not seem to help. Eating made me feel a bit better (I'm amazed at the number of calories I seem to be burning nowadays, and I'd undereaten I guess), but not awake enough to go out.

I wonder if this month's decrease in protein has anything to do with my fatigue. Did my feeling good today have anything to do with this being my day off from cycling? I need answers, dammit!

I'm never going to find a vegan girlfriend. For one thing, I won't move to a more populous region. I resent so much my inability to safely go out late at night on my own when I'm in more populated areas that I can't bear to live there even for the many benefits.

It's those goddamned young men; they make the whole damned world unsafe. Ruining my life. At the most random moments I get hit with memories of being harassed and it kills my mood, I have to put together some on-the-spot coping tactic. It's so unreal, sometimes it just stops me in my tracks.

On top of that, I would have to think about it every time I wanted to leave the house late and felt afraid to do so. EVERY DAMNED TIME. The constant reminder may be even worse than the actual possibility of meeting one of them. Here I don't have to think about going out in the middle of the night, even down unlit alleyways if I want.

Which reminds me of some comment somethingsaudade whatshername made on a livejournal entry of mine that I think was about being harassed as well. I was angry but tried to reply civilly, and eventually I came to see that was actually repressing my anger. I've forgotten the details now; something about me feeling bad just because of the situation I had gone through last summer when I was homeless. As if that wasn't enough by itself!

No, it was the entry in which I said I didn't really care about the men for whom the Black Lives Matter movement was created. Haven't changed my mind on that one. There's a helluva lot more to my attitude towards men than being harassed or the stress of homelessness. Most of it comes from shit that hasn't even happened to me. I can see how men treat my sisters and the whole goddamned world while we're at it. That's why I became a radical feminist, in fact. Not my personal experiences.

And straight up telling me how I feel on a blog in which I've repeatedly complained about people guessing at how I think and feel. Goddammit.

Anyways. Yeah, I will probably have to choose (if I get any choice at all) between dating a non-vegan or staying single for a very long time if not forever. But I can't do either. I will just have to focus on something else to stay sane.

In the more immediate future, I'm going to have to get a doctor's note because I cannot work. Frustrating that I'll have to wait at least 4 or 5 weeks. Shit! Just remembered that I have to get my blood drawn again. If my blood work shows normal D3 levels and I'm still tired, dammit, that's chronic fatigue. That got me on record with this same problem a few years back, and I got the same thing from records in the clinic before that and in my college medical records too probably!

So I ordered my medical records from UCSC and saw some things the doctor never mentioned to me. No one had told me that I was obese, but there it was in my records. I hadn't known that I was obese. Is that the right verb tense? I should know this.

I didn't know how to eat right back then and could have benefited from some nutritional advice. They sent me to the nutritionist for hypoglycemia but not for obesity.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Yay I got my Tantus Silk today. It's small (like d=3/4 inch) but it did not go in so easily. And I was worried that it was too short and narrow. It is neither.

I did not have any caffeine today, so I was tired for the whole day, albeit not as tired as I have been. I discovered that being excited without caffeine is much less intense both physically and mentally. I also discovered that I'm a much weaker lifter without caffeine. It's a freaking wonder drug.

I'm too tired to go into details, but I discovered that I may have been more affected by my dysfunctional childhood than I'd thought. That made me feel like crap. I feel like I don't have the energy, the will to live, to fix myself more than I am trying to do now.

But these traits I found aren't so terrible. I make too big a deal out of it perhaps. I'm just tired and easily upset at the prospect of yet another obstacle in my path to a girlfriend. But at least half the population of this country grew up in a dysfunctional family, so people can't be too damned picky, can they?

Oh! And I watched Batman vs. Superman throughout the day today. It wasn't as lame as I'd thought that it would be. And Superman wasn't as much of a fag as I'd expected. I've been avoiding Batman movies because Michael Keaton is The One True Batman and all these other Batmans make mad. But Ben Affleck wasn't too bad. George Clooney was probably terrible.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
All that Vit D3 I downed last night seemed to have no effect, so I went out for another Red Bull. All this caffeine I'm buying is costing me a fortune.

I thought maybe it's all the B vitamins in the Red Bull that make me feel so much better but the Clif Bars contain no more than 10% RDA of each B vitamin and my food diary shows that I'm getting 80%–100% RDA of B vitamins not including the portion from the Red Bull and Clif Bars.

Being able to concentrate on reading feels soooo goodI finished reading Jung's Psychological Types this afternoon. I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it. I bet Jung was an Intuitive. Either the translator did a shitty job or the writing was Intuitive-opaque.

Deadlifted 160 this evening!
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Thought I'd be able to make it through the day without caffeine, but no dice. Thanks to me, the grocery store ran out of Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars, so I ended up with a Red Bull from the gas station instead. I was afraid it wouldn't work, but it did the trick.

I finished We Too Are Drifting at the laundromat yesterday afternoon. It ended all of a sudden; I'm not even sure what happened. Seems like the protagonist let her young lover go off to college somewhere out of resignation, like she knew lesbians couldn't expect to stay together in a stable relationship. How sad :(
And what a strange, insubstantial book.

So, what shall I read next?

I sent off my enrollment form today. I'm gonna do that editing course.

From here it seems almost impossible that I'll earn enough money to cover my expenses and move away from here. I'm trying to psych myself up for a longish wait, a boring, empty summer and fall.

What if I open the bottle of Vit D3 and just chug a shitload of it at once instead of taking 1000 milliwhatever per day?? I wonder if that's safe. Shit, I'm gonna do it right now. I'm tired of being freakin tired.

Ok. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

The author of Starting Strength said that weightlifting injuries are inevitable. What an unpleasant thing to read. Wasn't sure whether I was going to try to squat 140 tomorrow, but maybe I'll pass on that. How did I even get up this high? Seems like just yesterday I was barely squatting 100, and 100 still feels heavy.

Late this evening, I walked past a building that had a second-floor that suddenly reminded me of an episode of The X-Files. Such random connections I make. I started thinking about how, towards the end of the series, I really got tired of the mytharc and only wanted to watch the standalone episodes, especially the ones in which Mulder and Scully got close. I felt kind of dumb about it, I don't know why.

As I was walking, the reason for my preference suddenly hit me: the mytharc reflected something ugly about reality. The government screwing people over and trying to keep it hidden. As I increased my political consciousness, this theme became depressing. And OMG, Mulder and Scully spending like a decade of their adult lives alone? Sooo not right. Who does that? Ha.
improperlyhuman: (Default)

For the past three days or so, I have been relying on caffeine to overcome my fatigue. Coffee doesn't seem to work, which is strange. I use Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars. Are there different kinds of caffeine? Weird.

The caffeine makes me randy. I can knock out HOURS taking care of the randiness. The body works very well now, which is a relief. New stuff going on with me though, crazy hunger from the inside like I've never had before, but I can only reach so far, and that is why I ended up scoping out the online toy market.

Most of the toys looked more like torture devices to me. Who are the people who use these huge things? Who puts glass and steel inside themselves? Maybe my perception is somewhat off the norm because I'm a small person. But glass and steel, wut. How does this other anatomy work because I squeeze down on auto and steel don't give.

Anyways I had to search for longer than expected, yesterday and today, because most everything was huge, too expensive, too bumpy/nubby, too curved, or flared at the head, which makes no sense to me because that part goes in first. I was surprised at the limited selection of Good Vibrations (which has FOUR stores in San Francisco alone). But I found economical options on Amazon that should work.

I got a Tantus Silk Small. In sexy ass black. At first I was like, wut, silk, damn this ain't vegan. But I think that refers to the smoooooooth surface. All those nubs and outcroppings and shite getting caught on my walls and impeding the rhythm, what's up with that, no thank you.


May. 14th, 2017 07:31 am
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I stay up late now because that's when I'm awake and therefore able to use my brain.

Was on edge this evening because I tried to energize myself with caffeine. It didn't work.

I've increased my Vitamin D3 and I hope to feel better within a few days' time like I did the last time I increased it.

Ok now I'm sleepy.

No Lupus

May. 11th, 2017 09:45 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Missed a couple of buses but made it to my rheumatology appointment on time. Had to wait like 45 minutes for the doctor and ultimately did not have the option to take the local bus home because I was there so late.

Doctor did roughly the same thing the last rheumatologist did: a lengthy physical exam. Actually lengthier this time. Also asked me a ton of questions.

He said that something like seventy percent of people who have a positive ANA test don't have lupus. He said that I don't show signs of lupus, but I could develop lupus in the future.

He told me to increase my Vitamin D, get my levels re-tested, and that we'd go from there. He also told me to let him know if I begin to get rashes, sores inside my mouth, or swollen joints (signs of lupus?). I have a follow-up appointment next month.

Although I was away from home for seven or eight hours, I struggled to get all my errands done. I didn't have time to walk to the fancy 6 dollar burrito place, so I ate at Taco Bell: 2 bean burritos (for which I forgot to order lettuce) and one Spicy Potato Soft Taco. I didn't have time to check the electronics store for hair clippers, but that's probably a good thing because they probably don't sell them.

Then I went to Walmart and got the African Black Soap that works. On the way there, I happened by the local chain sporting goods store and stopped in for some chalk. Then I went to the one pharmacy that sells my vegan, organic B-12 and bought a bottle of that. Then I caught the bus back to where the taxi had dropped me off.

I called the taxi service that I use to leave town and was denied a ride because the dispatcher didn't want to send the single driver on duty so far out. I thought that I was stranded at that point, but I tried another taxi service, one that won't give me a ride out of town but apparently will give me one into town. I had to wait an hour. It was cold out so I went into a department store for a while.

Lo and behold! I found some seemingly-not-toxic fluoride toothpaste (8 bucks) that doubles as bad breath treatment, and I found a good set of hair clippers (61 bucks). With tax these cost nearly half my checking account balance. I hesitated, but dammit, I need haircuts and I need fluoride on my choppers, don't I? That 35 bucks I dropped on vegan D3 a couple weeks ago hit me hard too.

So I finally got home at 9 pm, an hour ago.

I'd like to have someone to check my breath after I use this new toothpaste. That's what I'm missing without friendships!

I want to post more but I'm quite tired now. I did a lot of walking today.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
That body wash I got from VA dermatology made my skin worse. I have like two small wounds on my neck because of it. And I peeled the scabs off of them like an idiot. More than once. I don't give a shit anymore.

I can't do anything. I came home from the first therapy session nearly three hours ago, and I'm semi-paralyzed with upsetness. That would be ok, except I finally got some work, and I'm wasting time sitting here instead of working on it. But I don't want to make mistakes or waste my client's time by working hella slow.

My head hurts. I wish I didn't go to therapy. And I wish people would stop thinking I look depressed. It was ok. I mean it was worse than I'd imagined because I left there upset (I didn't expect that to happen quite so soon, but she said, "you look depressed" and I hate that shit), but she didn't seem shady. I'm glad the therapist is an older person. Young people are epically full of shit. I mean middle people. Small kids and elderly people are ok. Everyone else can die.

In the middle of last night, I had a nightmare about me and some other people being murdered or something, then woke up feeling traumatized. I went back to sleep and have since forgotten the details, though. Getting up a zillion times a night to pee has become a necessity because I wake up with a headache if I don't drink a ton. I have insomnia again, did I mention that? LOL.

I'm gonna try eating again.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Still no fatigue. Guess I'm cured.

Well. Except for that delicious muscle fatigue that comes from a kickass workout. I deadlifted 140 yesterday; 20 lbs. more than I weigh. 145 tomorrow. I'm looking forward to workouts so much more than I was before I fixed my squat form.

I'm going to get individualized employment services from voc rehab again. I'm worried that won't help me find a job.

I decided to do all my sitting on the floor instead of in my lawn chair. I'm concerned about the long-term effect chair-sitting would have on my mobility (including flexibility). Having to get up from the floor X times per day is more work than getting out of a chair. I ain't gon be no weak, saggy, fragile, low-bone density elderly person, no ma'am.

I'm noticing that I tend to procrastinate. Instead of doing what needs to be done, I fire up atris for one more game or load up a website to read a bit more. I don't want to read my emails when they arrive, even when I'm not too busy. I was almost dreading checking my bank account balance today.

Gonna try leaving the music on until I begin to nod off so I don't have to be stuck with my own thoughts while I wait to fall asleep.

improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
I was supposed to increase my squat weight to 75 lbs today., but I couldn't. I couldn't even row the weight I rowed last week. My back was too weak to support the weight. It was horrible. I was so disappointed. I had the strength in my arms, but not in my back. I was wobbly with 70 lbs. on my shoulders; 70 lbs. isn't even heavy!

I had some unexpected energy this afternoon, so I cycled. Then this random back weakness in the evening. I don't get it. I dunno what's wrong with me, but if it prevents me from working out, it's going to be very difficult to live with.

I looked up the blood test that was positive. That result is associated with autoimmune diseases. Lupus! Just give me my lupus and let me die; anything is better than not being able to lift.

What if my spine disintegrates into a pile of bone dust? Why is my back the only weak body part?

I'm gonna up my Vitamin D even more and see what happens.

I don't care abvout anything. I violated my diet and I'm not gonna brush my teeth before bed. I don't have the energy to care.

My new bar of African black soap isn't working on my scaly arms. This is the second bar of soap that hasn't worked. Nothing has worked since I left the shelter. Only the Walmart soap worked! Maybe it's the humidity in here? So I said to hell with it and used the salicylic acid I got prescribed at the VA.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The county transportation department held a meeting today about transportation needs for senior and disabled riders. I complained about noise on the buses, but that wasn't one of the top four complaints so it didn't get discussed. I think I left my eyeglasses there, but I didn't have the energy to go back.

A womon there said she had a hearing sensitivity and complained about the long bus ride into the nearest town because of the sound of the motor. She also said that she didn't qualify for paratransit services. I wanted to tell her that she could qualify on the basis of her "hearing sensitivity," which is how I qualified. But no time seemed like a good time to go over and talk to her. Sure, we had breaks and unstructured time, but breaking the ice with people never feels right. NEVER. And I don't like talking anyhow. I finally got tired of thinking about it and just left.

I was going to say something pithy about my desire to help womyn contrasted with my disinclination to do simple things like talk to them, but I can't quite remember what that was. Yes, I have fatigue and brain fog again.

My host back from homelessness episode #2 brought over the stuff I'd left at his apartment. I'm so glad because I was in desperate need of a haircut. I gave myself a punk cut this morning.

Every time I see him he tries to get me to spend a little time with him. He told me to call him for a ride the next time I go out of town for grocery shopping. I'm like, dude. What are you doing.

And the disturbing thing is that I want to spend time with him now. I didn't want to the first few times he asked me. I think I was too used to being alone, and somehow feared that which had become foreign. Maybe I only want to spend time with him now because I'm bored. I can't keep myself entertained because I can't concentrate  on anything. 

But the problem is that I also want to continue being a separatist. I like being a separatist; it is such a lovely thing. Except in practice sometimes it's messy.

I became a separatist for two reasons: my safety (physical and psychological) and to put myself in the headspace to devote my efforts to females. First of all, this guy isn't a physical threat to me. A psychological threat, meh, not really. I mean there are womyn going around liberally calling other womyn bitches and cunts, that's worse than anything he's ever said.

As for my female-centric headspace, well, I'm not doing much with it. All I do is sit in this chair, be tired, fret over my calories, and mess around online. Not really helping anyone, is it?

But I like being a separatist. This whole situation is really awkward and wrong. And I don't have anyone I can ask about it. I think I'll stick with separatism. I like my purity.

I wonder if there is something in the construction of this apartment that is making me tired. Is that possible? I don't think living in anything but simple and natural structures is healthy.

Now I'm not sure whether I'm fatigued or just sleepy.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I got my lab results today. Most everything was normal. My Vitamin D was low, so I'm now supposed to take 2 sprays/day of my vegan supplement instead of 1.

My antinuclear antibody or something was positive, so I'm going to be referred to the rheumatologist. Again. I bet the doctor will find nothing wrong with me again.

The cab cost way more than expected again, so I had to wait hours for the bus. During the one-hour ride home, I had probably the worst migraine-induced nausea I've ever experienced. I was afraid I'd puke in the bus. I had the driver drop me off at a fast food restaurant so that I could get some food right away. All this suffering just because I missed lunch.

I was flossing last night when I noticed that the floss smelled bad :( I don't know what that means. Did I just have bad breath, or is something rotting in my mouth? This wasn't the first time I've noticed this since I've been living here. Now I'm afraid to talk to people because I may have bad breath. Why does this body require so much taking care of??

I'm overdue for a dental exam, but I have a feeling there won't be anything a dentist can do to get rid of my bad breath. I'm not sure why; I just have an image of myself as someone who has chronic bad breath. I read somewhere that both anxiety and hypoglycemia can cause bad breath, and I swear I'm always dealing with one or the other, if not both.

So this is what I have to do: I have to find a source of income.
  • have to take better care of my oral health
  • have to keep the house cleaner (I've been doing better at this)
  • have to shower more often (been slacking since I don't have a lot of clothes)
  • have to act just slightly less eccentric. just a little. worrying less will be sufficient for accomplishing that.
  • have to find a vegan
And bam! once I do all that, I'll have a shot at a girlfriend.
I tried to make a soybean meatloaf last night. I mixed the soybeans with my hemp protein powder, but it was still too gooey. So I'll need oats or something like the recipes say. But HOT DAMN did it have a lot of protein. 32 grams, roughly one-third of my total daily protein intake.
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