improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
Hmm, my match can't meet on weekdays until after 7 PM, and I have no way back home that late except by taxi (for which I do not want to pay even thought it'd only cost me $20). The part of me that's ready to throw in the towel grew after I read this last message. As I was waiting to fall asleep last night, the fact that I'm not physically attracted to her crept up on me. It's something I'd hardly thought about at all. She's a vegan, she's a lesbian, she's non-gender-conforming, and she's not an NT. I was focused on all those too-good-to-be-true qualities to the exclusion of pretty much anything else.

She's not at all ugly; she's just not a butch lesbian. Or, at least, she doesn't seem like one. And that's really the only type of person to whom I've ever been strongly attracted. I think a small part of me was relieved that she isn't a butch lesbian because anything involving butch lesbians is almost too stimulating to bear.

After astramance, I told myself that I would never again position myself to break anyone's heart by trying to date someone who was not a butch lesbian. I was so certain that no one else would work for me. I was not (and am not) intellectually certain, I was intuitively certain. Intellectually, I thought (and sometimes still think) I can be strongly attracted to other lesbians. Maybe I don't think it so much as I sort of almost want it to be true.

But my intuition (or some other slightly sub-conscious part of me that is somewhat independent of and side-eyeing my intellect) is fairly certain that I will only ever be strongly attracted to butch lesbians. That's because my intuition is observing my non-intellectual reactions to females, noting a marked and consistent difference in favor of the former.

Why am I talking about myself as if I'm split in two.

It's not just attraction. It's comfort. It would be soooooo indescribably weird to be involved with someone and have her coming over to my place and leaving things about like purses and pink crap and panties. *grimace* Or deal with the fake, cutesy mannerisms of femininity. Like that come-hither tilt of the head? PUKE I hate that shit so much.

Anyways, that stuff has nothing to do with my match (I think). I'm rambling.

I also think that a small part of me was eager to go on a date just to see if I could act normal on a date. A self-test. Application of some of the psych theory in which I've immersed myself of late. And to initiate a relationship in the hopes that it would help me act and feel more "normal." Selfish reasons.

I'm not even sure she really wants to go out with me. Her agreement was far from enthusiastic: "Sure, I'll go out." I mean who says, "I'll go out"? People might say "I'll go out with you," but not just, "I'll go out." Not a big deal, it just seemed weird. Who knows with these autistic people lol.

Today I received my copy of and started reading A Field Guide to Earthlings: An Autistic/Asperger View of Neurotypical Behavior. I needed to add something to my Amazon order to get free shipping, and this was on my wish list and cost about as much as I needed to add.

This book is really something: very original. Significantly more difficult to understand than I'd anticipated. The author uses many extended metaphors to illustrate concepts. There's a little mock play that continues throughout the whole book, and the author uses the characters' behavior to explain NTs.

The first chapter is about the way NTs perceive things, and the first concept is sensory Desensitization. Yep, that sounds about right, what with all that racket NTs seem to love or not notice. Of course by "racket" I'm including such "quiet" things as having the TV on in the background. Racket according to improperlyhuman. The ability to have a conversation with background noise, stuff like that is what Desensitization is about.

The second chapter (I'm in the middle of it) is about patterns of belief. This chapter makes NTs look bad. Particularly the part about NTs regarding "highly arbitrary and temporal social 'reality'" as if it were as real as physical reality. Basically over-valuing socially constructed bullshit.

I really have to read this book rather like it was a textbook, so densely packed with info it is.

I was expecting my period to get worse and worse now that I'm not exercising, but it's been rather tame these last couple months. I'm not finding it easy to get back into an exercise routine because it isn't in the back of my mind anymore.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I asked her out twice. She finally responded to me yesterday but did not answer, so I asked her more directly. The logistics many not even work out. I have no affordable way out of town on weekends and she just got a new full-time job. Still, I hope she says yes because I likely won't find another person like her. We've only exchanged a few messages, yet the mere thought of going through this with another person makes me tired.

On craigslist I found a couple of nice cottages for rent out in the country, but my housing coordinator doesn't work on Fridays. I left a voicemail asking her to call for me. Someone with a car, more money, and no aversion to phone calls may have beat me to these places by Monday. Oh, one ad did include an email address, so I emailed the contact person. I hate having to ask people whether they will accept Section 8.

I have been indulging my desire for psychology books. Right now I'm reading Our Inner Conflicts by Karen Horney, M.D. (what the hell is a medical doctor doing practicing psychoanalysis?)  It is about "neuroses," and three early chapters describe the three components—moving towards people, moving against people, and moving away from people. Guess which one describes our heroine. Moving away from people is amazingly similar to Enneagram type 5 dynamics.

Of course, my mental life is not messed up enough to qualify as a "neurosis." The neurotic is supposedly willfully blind to the mechanics of her neurosis and will fight tooth and nail to remain so, all for the purpose of maintaining her way of life and avoiding being split in two by her conflicting drives. This awful feeling of social ambivalence I have, I think this must be what the splitting feels like—moving both toward and away from people. I'm reading a lot of these books to figure out what to do about it.

Interesting that typology and psychoanalysis have been more helpful to me than mainstream psychology. Type 5 and Horney's neurotic trend are so spot on, it's almost scary. The INTP personality type is pretty accurate as well. This might be because they describe traits that can exist in a mentally healthy person—a spectrum of functioning—rather than straight up dysfunction.

Today I did laundry in the bathtub and made a trip to the hardware and grocery stores. I was going to start walking again this evening, but I decided I'd better first see whether those chores/errands make me tired tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to bed!

I'm still jerking myself awake with intrusive thoughts. This is what I need to work on next.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My copy of Language, Truth and Logic arrived today. I read the first two chapters today and it's a great book so far.

The gist so far is that metaphysics is a bunch of nonsense and not properly categorized as philosophy. The author's standard for meaningful statements is that they must either be tautological (like the definitions that make up logic and formal mathematics) or subject to some kind of empirical verification.

Metaphysics includes religion, or the supernatural aspects of it at least. I can't even say how tired I am of bullshit religious discourse masquerading as philosophy. In particular, if people can't define "god" and can't describe god in any way that lends itself to observation, it's pointless to discuss god's existence, and the discussion certainly isn't philosophical.

The fact that I've never come across any meaningful description of god is why I like to stress my ignosticism (rather than merely calling myself an atheist)—I can't actually determine whether something exists if I don't even know what that something is supposed to be like. In other words, the question of god's existence is as meaningless as the question of aaoisenuwfpr's existence.

Sweet, I just got another editing contract.

When I first got these sleeping pills—actually the package says "dietary supplement—I was downing them with water, like actual pills. I didn't notice that they were chewable!

Hmm I suddenly just flashed back to my first night in Paris. I wonder what made me think of that.

I gave Quentin Tarantino another chance, half knowing that I shouldn't have. Fortunately I turned The Hateful Eight off within the first ten minutes, so I didn't see much. Tarantino is a dick who has a thing with casual racism and sensationalized sexual violence. I'm sure the setting of this movie (post-Civil War Wyoming) and his previous movie (a slave plantation) were not coincidences. There aren't a whole lot of scenarios in which contemporary characters would continually say "nigger." I hope Tarantino falls stomach first onto a samurai sword. I just don't give a shit.

There weren't many good movies I hadn't already seen at the library. Way more comedy and drama than action for some reason.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm sleeping much better these days, and the crushing fatigue is gone, although I have wanted a short nap a couple afternoons. I've stopped making breakfast at night so that I can relax a bit more before I go to sleep. Putting breakfast together in the morning and waiting a half hour or so while it sits in the fridge works just fine.

I can't figure out whether I'm an INTP or an INTJ. I was so excited to finally receive my copy of Gifts Differing yesterday, but the descriptions of the cognitive functions are unclear. I cannot tell the difference between Ne/Ni and Te/Ti.

I'm disappointed. If the goddamned creator of this theory has not described it clearly, I have no hope that anyone else really understands it. I could just give up on self-typing. The point of typing myself is to decide which self-growth material I should read; I could read stuff for both INTPs and INTJs.

My therapy session went quite well this week. I told the shrink my concern about not being listened to, and she seemed to take it to heart. And why wouldn't she?

I burn up in the afternoons because I can't afford to run the air conditioner much, and it only cools the living room when I do run it.

I'm still having problems with boredom. Still waiting for a response from my voc rehab counselor about getting legal fees covered. Still hardly getting any work, still not saving up to move away. I have to face the unpleasant but very likely probability that I will be here for another winter, so I have to get after the landlord to put in a heater.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I didn't really feel fatigued today, but I did feel a bit weak when I was lifting. Then it hit me: what if I made those spectacular gains (squatting up to 140, rowing 65, deadlifting 165) not because the caffeine restored my strength, but because of the caffeine itself? What if it acted as a performance enhancing drug, and that's why I can't lift as much even though my fatigue is mostly gone? Hmm.

I am so freakin understimulated.

99% match in my visitors list on okc. Asexual, agender, and non-binary. And in Germany. All my best matches are in freakin Europe!

Shit. I can't pay my energy bill.

I got a response from the editing outfit I applied to. My editing sample was rejected because of one punctuation mistake. This does not bode well. I'm an editor, not a proofreader. If they are expecting perfection, that's gonna be a problem.

I don't wanna go to bed. I never want to go to bed. Another exciting thing that happened day before yesterday was that my book Working the Organizing Experience arrived. I've wanted this book for at least a year. It's about a therapeutic intervention for "autistic," "psychotic," and "schizoid" states and posits a failure to bond in infancy as the cause of these states. Me being a diagnosed schizoid, I wanted to see what it was about. I was somewhat disappointed to see that it's of a psychoanalytic bent. And the writing is not good, like verbose ivory tower not good.
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