improperlyhuman: (Default)
I guess I underate today. Or maybe I over-exerted myself. I did a lot of chores plus fasted cardio this morning.

Stupid weak body. I was supposed to lift this evening. Why don't I have more energy? I bet I convert calories inefficiently.

I overspent on groceries and ended up with only twenty-five dollars left over for produce. Terrible.

So now I gotta go sleep off this headache.

Things have become a little easier for me. When I look at my neurotic solutions, I'm not cringing quite so hard. I guess I am developing "compassion" for myself. But I'm still scared that I'm gonna act like an ass and ruin something with somebody. I have a bad habit of making fun of sentimental things. I'm not comfortable with sentimental things. I guess I have to learn to be.

I keep developing scabs on my aureolae. If I peel the scabs, they will have grown back enough to peel some more by the next day. There are no wounds on my breasts, so I don't understand why the skin is scabbing over. I have awful skin. I missed OCM for a few days and now I have new wounds on my face. Lovely.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Because I'm now using my music stand to hold clarinet music, my laptop, which used to rest on the former, is now sitting on the floor. And I sit on the floor to use the laptop. This has been causing pain in my right arm. Yet I continue to spend tons of time using the laptop. I need to pay more attention to health stuff.

I really get caught up in doing things with the computer. I spent hours in the trenches yesterday trying to get my user stylesheet to work on Amazon. And I was content to spend that time. Since I happily spend so much time on stuff like this (yet don't much care for editing), maybe I should just bite the bullet and learn some type of development. I don't want to have to worry about keeping up with new technologies, but that's probably less painful than what I do now. I often find learning syntax details tedious, but it's probably less tedious than paying attention to the details of copyediting and managing client's who need editorial services. I imagine that job requirements must be less ambiguous as well. 

I don't think I'd like web development, though. Maybe server-side stuff only. Shit, I don't know. I just don't want to work. Not on others' terms. Getting paid for the hours I spent learning and testing CSS yesterday would be a perfect setup. If I could focus on just doing CSS stylesheets or just HTML for clients, I'd be ok with that. Web developers have to know too many different things. I'm motivated on the job and in classes, but I'd have to learn this stuff on my own to even get a job, and I'm much less motivated to do that.

I think I could make a good hardware programmer, but I'd need access to hardware and I can't afford that.

Tech careers really aren't for lazy people. Stuff changes too much and too often. I'm having a tough time finding a suitable career. Technical Writer would be good for me except it too often requires  communication with SMEs. I could maybe hack it if the communication was 100% text-based. But of course it isn't. Ever. People take the glorious text-based nature of the Internet and destroy it. They want you to Skype with half the people in their company.

I ate a ton today. It was that weird hunger without hunger pangs; the hunger that signifies lack of nutrients rather than lack of calories. I think I need to increase my protein intake. Again. I thought I could get away with a low-protein diet by focusing on cycling (cardio), but apparently not.

I have more emotions now and I'm not sure whether it's normal.

So I was awarded that contract I posted about yesterday and proceeded to spend the whole day procrastinating. I tried starting tonight but the files are like user guide pages, and I don't have it in me to edit stuff that isn't even in complete sentences. Fortunately, I know my work style well enough to suggest padded turnarounds to my clients. The files make up less than a thousand words altogether, but I said it'd be done in two days, so I have all of tomorrow and the morning of the next day.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I like to see eye-to-eye.

I like physical intimacy.

That's about it.

Eating foods I like makes dieting easy. Yesterday I pioneered a little brushetta pizza of only 200 or so calories, yet it is satisfying because I love pizza.

The neighbors were playing loud music this evening. I decided to try to deal with it instead of going to complain or just fuming here in the apartment.

I got a new bag of buckwheat hulls yesterday and re-filled my pillowcase today. I'm hoping to sleep better.

I found another apartment in my last town so here I go again on the rollercoaster of hope. Sooooo many apartments available in the cities, yet I can envision myself depressed, overstimulated, and afraid to walk alone late at night if I give up and move there.

I stopped drinking oceans of water and bedtime (without the thirst headaches I'd feared), so now I sleep through the night much more easily.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
She said yes! That was the easy part. I just spent something like an hour poring over bus and train schedules, trying to figure out when and where we could meet up that wouldn't leave me stranded for the night. I found two places near vegan restaurants, and I'll only have to take two buses to get to each. Now the issues are:

1. can she meet up on a weekday afternoon, and
2. paying attention to the time so I don't miss the bus back home

So shitty being worried about time on a goddamned date. Actually I can just set the alarm on my cell phone. Who the

Not really excited anymore, just exhausted and concerned about late buses and stuff. Trying to coordinate different forms of public transportation really taxes my executive functioning. Part of me just wants to cancel the whole thing. I know I will feel like crap after being out all day and I won't be able to go on many subsequent dates until I move away from here. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We may not have any subsequent dates.

I took a thirty-three minute walk this evening. According to MapQuest, that's about how much time it will take to get from the train to the vegan pizza. So if I feel like crap tomorrow, I'll know what to look forward to.

I'm slowly losing weight, slowly losing my gains. My thighs used to be rock hard; now they're kinda jiggly. One of the benefits of being a mesomorph is that I'd retain a decent amount of muscle mass even if I lost weight with no toning exercise.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I cycled on my spinning bike for twenty minutes this morning. I walked for about thirty-eight minutes this evening. Tomorrow I'll have an idea of how much damage I've done, and I'll know for sure the day after that.

I look fatter. I'm back on a diet. Enduring hunger seems easier when I'm not exercising. I don't know why. I've been going to bed without eating night sweats! What's up with that??

It seems that there is no way for me to use a Google account from home totally anonymously. I tried to sign in with Tor browser and my foreign IP address tipped Google off. I was prompted to enter my country; doing so would merely tip Google off the next time I sign in with Tor browser unless I keep reseting the Tor exit node so that it gives me an IP address that corresponds to that country. Relying on library computers is a bit too uncertain for work.

I feel that I will be able to sleep without pills tonight.

I Had To

Jun. 26th, 2017 11:11 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
I tried Red Bull again today and it helped my fatigue. I guess I just can't use it all the damned time.

Today I asked someone a diet question on Reddit and received a reasonable and respectful answer. <- That's me focusing on something positive.

I've reconsidered my diet because I'm afraid of losing muscle along with (or instead of!) fat. I think that a more modest caloric deficit would be better. Really, I'm flying blind here. I've requested some library books about bodybuilding, but what I really need is a trainer/coach.

In a way, however, it's kind of a relief to be unable to afford that; I can decisively give up on professional services without another thought. Like PDiddy said, more money, more problems.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I keep finding these little itchy bumps on my body, and I still don't know what to make of them. They go away in a couple of days, then I find one or two more.

The apparent respite in my fatigue was short-lived. The weird thing is that I seem to be able to hold the fatigue at bay with exercise—workouts or chores—yet I begin to feel tired shortly after I stop.

I want to know what the hell is going on, and I have to wait two and a half weeks for my next rheumatology appointment.

Oh shit! Just remembered that I was supposed to go for a walk today. Well hell. I'm burning too many calories anyways, so missing one day won't really hurt me.

Today is only day 2 and I'm already ambivalent about this diet; it seems almost too much to endure what with the fatigue and all. I said the same damned thing the last time I tried to diet. Although I've tried this and found it didn't help, I still have the sense that eating more food would make me feel less tired.

And another thing...I don't really want to be thinner. I want it but it's not super important. I'm on this diet because I hate abandoning my goals. I don't like to give up. I don't know why sticking to a goal for its own sake seems so important. Kinda crazy, isn't it?

I put in a lot of work proposals today and it took so much effort. Can't work without energy and can't move away without money. I think that there is a chance that I'd miraculously get well if I moved away. Maybe I don't feel depressed because all the depression is in my body. If that's even possible.

I have continued to work by myself on psychosocial problems. Day before yesterday, I made a thread and once again had to abandon it due to unsupportable anger and frustration over one or two of the responses. This is a very obvious pattern and it's past time I examine it. Well, the result of my examination is quite ugly.

I decided this evening that there are two main phenomena at play in these situations: lack of social connection and frustrated entitlement.

The latter seems the less serious issue. No matter how nasty I see people get, no matter how foreign they seem, no matter how boring they are, I cling to the expectation of social interaction that is (as I've written in my little journal sitting here) smooth, respectful, focused, and enriching. So when the hiccups, the misunderstandings, the disagreements, the seemingly stupid questions and obvious observations, the assumptions, the derailments inevitably happen, I cannot endure these things.

I could probably learn to take these things. I could, for example, go back and force myself to read through that thread, telling myself that it's ok to be angry and frustrated but that these bumps aren't the end of the world.

Far more hopeless is my lifelong lack of social connection. I don't know whether I am missing something that other people have that attaches them to others or I'm just in the clutches of a lifelong habit. But I think that every time one of these unpleasant things happens, justified or not I see another nail in the coffin that holds my social life. I see another piece of evidence that I can never convince anyone of anything, can never have any but the most basic of my perspectives understood, can never be taken at face value, can never escape the random little moods and hangups of others (yuck). Can never be on the same page, ever.

But I don't really have adequate evidence of those things since I've begun coping with the emotions by abandoning my own discussions. There are some sixteen other responses that I've not even read because avoidance, withdrawal, giving up, forgetting the whole affair, seems the only way for me to modulate my emotional response. My response is always intense, but that's because, I think, I've little social experience to ground me enough to modulate the intensity.

In my family, there were no discussions. There was no talking through disagreements, no voicing my opinion. It was my dad's way or the highway. My dad lectured, and everyone else kept quiet and listened or risked a blow. So no grounding social experience in my childhood to show me that these disagreements and things were no big deal, no experience handling them properly.

Then I spent most of the rest of my life never really talking to anyone, and disagreeing and explaining even less, so no experience there. Very little experience seeing that the world wouldn't end over a disagreement. Very little experience feeling myself understood. Where those experiences should be, deep within me, supporting my current experiences from my core, there is a void.

The thing that makes this more hopeless than the sense of entitlement is the lack of an immediate solution. I can work on my entitlement right away (I think), but there is nothing I can do to make up for 36 years of barren social life. I can only try to create that life now. But it seems so late. And the only way to make it to those grounding social experiences is to pass the gatekeeper social experiences: the acquaintances, the getting-to-know you phase, the first dates, the uncertain approaches, the mis-steps, the randomness. All the things I hate the most about socializing. It seems so much work. And I'm not even sure that would fix the problem. And my motivation is somewhat lacking because I know from long experience that I can just go back to isolation and survive.

And this is why I'm literally tired of being alive. It must be taken one day at a time. Right now looking too far into the future is the way of hopelessness. I feel like I can't be normal enough to deal with the small, auxiliary social experiences until I get that one deep social experience, but I can't get the latter without putting up with the former. It's a circle with no opening through which I can comfortably insert myself. The only proper entry point is childhood, and that's over for me, so I've no choice but to do it the hard way.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Seems like my high-protein diet is working. Today was the first day and already I didn't really feel much fatigue at all. I was tired from yesterday's all-day shopping excursion, but nothing so debilitating as what I've been experiencing.

I've put myself back on a diet, one with which I am supposed to lose 1/2 pound per week. Not sure this is sustainable because I am quite hungry. No organic potatoes at the crappy local grocery store, and bringing some home with me yesterday would have been too much to carry, so I'm having 4 meals per day instead of the 5 I'd planned.

Although having to space my meals further apart is a pain, the number of meals is not a huge deal because I was able to expand the 4 meals to cover the calories of the fifth. The number of calories I'm supposed to be eating, however, feels a bit too low. Seems to me that I don't workout much, so perhaps it's the muscle I've put on eating up all those calories. Actually, I do need to eat something close to bedtime, so the number of meals might be a bigger problem than I'd previously thought. Perhaps I will put the wheat gluten and wheat bran together as a fifth meal. The gluten did not work so well in my evening stew, and I'm not really using the wheat bran except for a couple of teaspoons in my breakfast.

I had my first homemade burrito in forever and it was wonderful! It was just a simple deal with spiced pinto beans, iceberg lettuce, and store-bought salsa on a whole wheat tortilla, but I quite enjoyed it. I tried mixing the beans with wheat bran for even more protein and volume, but that didn't pan out.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I've been having trouble with my deadlift for the past three or four weeks. I was working on my form this evening when I suddenly lost muscle memory and just couldn't physically figure out how to lift the weight off the floor. It was strange, particularly since the deadlift is (was?) my favorite lift.

Squats are going great though! 115 lbs. today.

The amount of fat in my diet has always been quite low, but I've become concerned that it's too low. I bought some olive oil and use a little to roast my potatoes and broccoli.

I was looking through craigslist for entertainment when I came across the post of an incarcerated womon who wants a penpal. Maybe I'll be her penpal. Could be interesting. I would, however, prefer to keep my address a secret. There's a website to sign up on. I'll check it out tomorrow.

Is there a difference between loneliness and boredom? I feel boredom, I feel lust, I feel a need for physical contact. But I wouldn't call any of those things loneliness. I don't think I feel lonely, but I think of loneliness as something rather specific.

Finally mailed my signature off to voc rehab today.

There's gonna be a circus in town this weekend and I wanted to protest it but I don't have any vegans to protest with me! And I'm not sure non-animals will be exploited there anyhow. I just saw animals on the poster.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Yet another song I listen to again and again without being able to figure out all the lyrics.

I heard a splash out behind the apartment building yesterday afternoon and wondered where the water had come from. Until I recognized the sound as tires on dirt and gravel.

I don't fall asleep til the wee hours of the morning now. The heat is playing a big role. Spring here is like summer.

I was so tired yesterday, I couldn't collect myself to go grocery shopping (and hadn't finalized this month's menu anyhow). I lay back down but couldn't sleep. I blew through a lot of time putting a marker pen, the one I used for Arabic script, to a use for which it was not intended. Good times.

I had to get some food from the local market because I felt that I couldn't stomach what I had left in the house. I found french bread on sale for a dollar and put some homemade lentil sloppy joe in it.

I also bought a cereal called Nutty Nuggets, kind of a Grape Nuts ripoff. OMG. Most filling thing I've ever eaten. I could have gone the whole day without eating again. I had a couple bowls this morning and was fine until evening with nothing but some coconut candy and a protein bar. I didn't even really feel hungry this evening. And no migraine!

You see, it's the carbs that make me feel full. So I'm back to eating potatoes and brown rice and yams this month.

But I took the bus back home and saw myself kicking this man in the head because he wouldn't stop talking.

The heat. I'm hesitant to leave the windows open because of the insects that keep getting in. A couple days ago, I looked over at the pile of novels sitting up against the wall beneath the window and beheld atop them a creature straight out of National Geographic. I toppled and nearly broke my laptop bolting up out of the chair in mindless horror.

Insects are just so wrong.

And this one was even wronger than usual. She appeared to be a type of cockroach, but of a size so unholy, I would never have expected to find her outside of wilderness or laboratory. At least two, maybe three inches long. And what was she doing coming in through the second floor window?!

The worst thing about insects is seeing them run because running means panic, and their panic infects me. I see them panic and I panic. I don't know why. Given the size, the creature's speed was of course unsurpassed, and watching her bolt across the carpet inspired a new level of horror.

Patiently I devised a way to capture her for return to the outside world, abandoning first a glass candle holder (lest I accidentally crush one of her spindly limbs), then a small aluminum trash can, finally setting a box in her path along a wall.

I've somewhat made my peace with the spiders patrolling the ceilings. It helps that they aren't large or evil-looking. At the moment, a mosquito is sharing the bedroom with me and eating me alive. The bites add to my inability to fall asleep. The breathing exercises help to relax me, but they aren't putting me to sleep so well.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Squated one hundred and ten pounds this evening. I increased weight for all three of my exercises. I don't see how I'm going to squat much more than this because I'm putting an uncomfortable amount of pressure on my wrists to stabilize that weight, and I'm fairly sure my grip is proper. I got a copy of Starting Strength from the library. I have weak, puny wrists.

Saw therapist today and she surprised me a bit by focusing on breathing exercises that are supposed to help me sleep. I was quite worried about my ability to stick with these exercises because focusing on my body is so boring. The only way I can exercise for more than 5 minutes at a stretch is simultaneously watching videos or listening to music. I gots to start sleeping or my lifting will suffer.

Today was supposed to be grocery day, but I didn't want to reschedule my therapy appointment or go grocery shopping on a lifting day anyhow. I'm planning on going tomorrow though I know I won't have the energy for it. Haven't decided whether I'll take paratransit or not, but if I do, let's hope I remember to ask for a taxi driver that will not be playing the damned radio.

Right now I am downloading Tails, a security-based OS. It runs from a live USB and leaves no trace on the hard drive, so I can use it to access Google Docs and have secure conversations. There is a similar OS that is meant to be installed to hard drive. Can't remember the name at the moment. I want it on my other partition, but I'm afraid I'll install to the wrong partition again and overwrite Debian.
I'm going back to a highish carb diet. I don't feel satisfied eating all these damned legumes, and that just makes me eat more than I would otherwise. And cooking potfuls of beans and lentils is a pain in the ass anyhow. I miss the ease of putting a yam or baked potato in the oven. I'll eat tofu for protein, and I don't think I need 80-90 g of protein per day anyhow.

I've been reading a lesbian novel I bought before the fire. It's called We Too Are Drifting, and damn, is that title ever accurate. Very dry book, not much happening, and what is happening is only palely illustrated by the characters actions. Their actions: so much talking without saying anything and sitting around not doing anything, gives it a very bourgeosie flavor.

The protagonist, Jan, seems to have a lover she doesn't much care about and is just passively going along with the relationship. Jaded and can't focus on her art. 84 pages in, Jan has had tea with someone she is interested in and is still not being forthright with the lover. Lots of ambiguous looks and lighting cigarettes and sipping brandy throughout the story. Who are these people who drink hard alcohol every day.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Two important things happened today.

I went to a local blood drive. They would not take my blood because I have sickle cell trait. I think that's a new rule. They also seemed to have some new (and quite thorough) medical screening procedures. I've never been weighed before giving blood. 129.6 lbs. Even though my clothing and the food in my gut contributed to that number, I'm thinking that my thrift store analog scale (which has given me 120 lbs. naked and dehydrated first thing in the A.M.) is off a bit.

This is the same company that wouldn't take my blood when I was homeless. The rep told me that sickle cell trait blood sometimes clogs their filters! Wow. She said I could only give platelets and something else. I felt embarrassed for some reason and left. I did get a free T-shirt though.

Today I also finally returned the call I got from my mental health insurance company a week ago. After a bit of confused discussion, I got a phone number for the same shrink I'd tried and failed to contact before. Well, this number worked. I'm a little embarrassed that I have a therapy appointment next week. I hope that all I've learned about psychology will help me to make good use of this opportunity.

I'm trying to stop using the computer so much. This is difficult because I struggle to concentrate on anything else.

My focus on eating legumes for protein has left me not eating enough carbs. I was dying for carbs so bad, I had pretzels for supper.

I know I'll probably need some more carbs when I eat later. Millet and oat bran are the only traditional carbs I have in the house. I feel that I might get nauseous if I try to eat anymore damned millet, and the oat bran is reserved for breakfast. The grocery store has been closing early lately. My only other choices are snacks at the gas station and the single fast food restaurant in town. I don't really have the energy to go since I couldn't sleep last night, but maybe I'll go after I finish this blog post.


Apr. 15th, 2017 09:28 pm
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
Well I ate as much as I wanted today and it still only came out to like 1150 calories. I actually stronger hunger pangs today than I've felt on fewer calories, like my metabolism had ramped up, but I still didn't want to eat more. Not being in the mindset of a restrictive diet is a positive change for me, so positive that I'm still at a caloric deficit without trying to be.

Spent half the day trying to get my new earbud/microphone headset to work with my desktop so that I can work as a website tester. I maxed out the volume controls, but it still records too low. I had to yell into the microphone to record anything loud enough to hear. It works fine with my laptop.

I've decided to add yoga, pilates, or both to my fitness regimen. I need something low intensity to burn fat, or so that's what people say. Don't want to tire myself out and expect to make good gainz next week with weight training.

Besides user testing, I also tried some of that online survey shite to earn money. It's not gonna work. I don't even qualify for many of the surveys, and I'm very uncomfortable with all the information I have to give out in the surveys because my consumption habits can be tied to the personal information I had to provide to get paid.

I keep putting out bids for editing work, but no one is biting. Trying to sell myself is SUCH a chore, so unnatural. So on Monday I'm going to contact my social worker and tell her that I'll be running out of money soon. Then I'll contact my vocational rehab counselor and ask for some other employment service, I don't know what. I just filled out the paperwork to re-open my case; as far as she knows, I just want help paying for an editing certificate, but that goal is receding further and further from my mind as more immediate financial concerns elbow their way to the front.

I'm EPICALLY bored ALWAYS and need to find someone to talk to.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I haven't had fatigue in about 3 days now. I feel great.

I found out that I've been doing Stronglifts incorrectly. I've been plateauing/failing reps, and I'm supposed to switch to 3 sets of 5 instead of 5 sets of 5 when that happens. So I did that for Bench Press and Barbell Row today. Squat I can still do 5x5. I increased squat weight by 10 lbs. today, instead of by 5 lbs. next week, as I'd planned.

Another aspect of the program I didn't know about is the frequency of weight increase. One is supposed to add 5 lbs. every workout instead of every week, like I've been trying to do. Of course, there's no way I can progress that quickly at this point, nor have I been able to progress that quickly for a looong time. So I guess I'll be doing the intermediate level of the program (3x5, 3x4, and 3x1) sooner than larger people/men would.

To hell with this diet. Eating so little is messing with my gains too much. Or maybe I'm just not getting enough protein. I will be tweaking my diet once again next month. I decided yesterday to take calories down from the 1250-1450 I've been eating these past three months to 1050, which is what I ate the last time I lost weight. But, as I was failing a row rep this evening, it occurred to me that at least part of the reason for my lack of progress is insufficient calories. And I was so excited to increase weight again, that I think now I'd rather be strong and pudgy (for a while) rather than weak and lean. And I'm tired already of eating so little. I'm not having terrible hunger pangs, it's just annoying. So I'm having another meal tonight! I can loose weight slowly with a more moderate caloric deficit and heavier weight training. More weight on the bar, that's what I love to see.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
This diet is gonna draaaaggg ass. I don't like the food I'm eating and I want some carbs, dammit. I couldn't choke down the soybean meatloaf I made; too much...shit, whatever that spice is called. I hope I can sleep on so little food.

The crackers I had yesterday while waiting for the bus destroyed the caloric deficit I had for the whole week. I don't even know how much I want to lose. All I know is that I want to see that muscle definition. And no more underarm wings!

It was cold and rainy today.

I'm gonna go bust. I can't even pick up the stuff that's on my bedroom floor, let alone look for work.

I'm gonna have to apply for SSI at some point. I ordered my medical records from UCSC. Those contain my hypoglycemia diagnosis. Actually, that won't be useful because I can't prove that hypoglycemia keeps me from working. Shit I can't think straight.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I wanted to upload a picture (I like to promote natural products), but that requires posting by email, and the email address is no longer available in my email client's contact list, and I couldn't find it with by searching dreamwidth's FAQ, and I'm irritated that it takes so much effort and this is why I'm posting about it and I gave up.

I hate the way people communicate, I hate it beyond words. But I think I've figured something out. I was reading (with annoyance) one person's tangential response to another person when it occurred to me that this is how people keep conversations going. Instead of just answering the question directly like iconoclass, they tack some extra but unnecessary information on, stuff that others can ask about or expand on to have more to talk about. Even if I'm right, I still don't like this.

Sometimes when I have ideas like this I want to ask other people if the ideas are accurate. But I know that the workings of such matters seem super obvious to other people, and when people ask questions that seem super obvious, the askers are sometimes taken for trolls. Not being taken seriously really upsets me, so I don't chance it.

So for the millionth time someone said something only tangentially related to the discussion and for the millionth time I said that the comment was irrelevant, without much hope that the other person would understand that or even care. In fact, we've passed the point at which the other party tends to get angry or irritated with me, so I expect the conversation to end soon, possibly with an angry or hurtful comment that will make me feel terrible for a long time afterwards, unless of course I choose not to read it, as I often do nowadays even though doing so tends to churn my insides with wondering about what I missed.

Immediately after I responded, I looked back to my inbox and found a message from someone I'd agreed to chat with, someone who has a lot of politics in common with me, and something in me felt sick and withdrawing because talking to people seems so pointless. Never, ever, ever on the same wavelength. And similar politics don't ensure compatible personalities.

I keep looking at this from different angles, turning it around like a rubix cube, trying to figure out a way to think of it that isn't this self-defeating, but all I ever see are more downsides. But I kind of just don't care anymore, for lack of the energy required to keep caring. Sometimes I tell myself to not think so much and just dive in, then feel painfully upset with myself for trying again (particularly if something doesn't go the way I want). It's not a nice way to think towards myself, not a sensitive estimation of my behavior.

So I've decided to try treating my fatigue with yet more protein. I'm going full tilt this time and doing everything I can to get in that 1 gram per pound of body weight. To make room for these protein calories, I'm removing the last vestiges of the high carb diet I so prefer. My food stamp budget makes this high-protein diet more difficult to achieve than the caloric restriction does.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I've done almost nothing but watch Netflix these past couple of days. I'm surprised at the limited and shitty selection of movies. I'll definitely be cancelling my trial subscription, for which I signed up to access indie science fiction movies.

I'm still struggling to focus, but I have managed to read the first three chapters of Ursula Le Guin's The Lathe of Heaven. The book's premise is interesting so far, but I struggle to keep reading because of all the boring, irrelevant details.

I've lost my patience with verbose, flowery literary bullshit. If I wanted to read poetry, I wouldn't be reading a novel. I don't give a damn about all the adjectives the author can pull out of her ass to describe sunshine. I want to read a story, dammit. Just tell me straight up what the characters did.

I've decided to do almost all of my laundry in the bathtub. This is perfect for someone who has so little clothing. I think only the menstrual pads need to go into a washing machine. That's one load of laundry per month.

I'm going to be loading up on veggies next month. I had 13 ounces of broccoli for dinner and I don't really feel hungry. 123 kcal, baby. This is the way to lose weight. I know the progress of my diet is going to drag ass otherwise. My jeans are too damned tight in the thigh area.

I've been thinking that maybe I progress through the Stronglifts routine too quickly. Maybe I should increase weight every two weeks instead of every week. I'll have to slow it down at some point anyhow. Ain't no way I'll be able to lift an extra 5 lbs. every week once I get up to 200, 250 lbs.

My Back

Mar. 21st, 2017 10:12 pm
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
My back couldn't withstand my workout this evening. It didn't really hurt so much as it felt weak and stressed. I squatted 95 lbs. for one rep, and I could feel that something bad would happen if I kept going. Super upset :(

So I squatted 70. 70 measly lbs.! I don't know what's up with me. I recorded myself squatting to check my technique. I noticed that I slightly lifted my right foot with each rep, but I don't know what effect that has, if any. I also noticed that I don't look as fat as I'd feared.

I couldn't finish my barbell rows either. I was soooo looking forward to squatting 100 next week, but that's clearly not going to happen. Maybe I'm just a weakling :(

Maybe it's this goddamned lawn chair I sit in all day!

Well, the good news is that I'm back on my diet. Hunger pangs don't bother me. I could actually eat a lot less if it weren't for damned hypoglycemia. That might not be healthy, though. I keep trying to eat a bit less at night, but hypoglycemia won't let me. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating. So frustrating.

Saved myself some money by washing my gross-smelling sleeping bag liner in the tub today. My living room window looks out onto the roof of the adjoining building, so I crawled out there and laid the liner out to dry in the sun (held down by a couple of my weights). Score.

I watched a few South Park episodes this evening. The show is kind of annoying now that the episodes cover everything that happens in real life.

Guess I'll have a banana and peanut butter before bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Another day of weakness! Another day of destroying my diet with extra calories and making an unplanned grocery store trip for protein bars.

I give up on trying to get sufficient protein from whole foods. I'm lifting nowhere near as much as I want to lift, yet to sustain even that I have to eat more than I want to, more than my fat-loss regimen can succeed on. I'm tired of cooking navy beans everyday, especially since they apparently never provide enough protein. So it's protein powder for me!

I found a simple organic and non-gmo protein powder on Amazon and ordered two containers this evening. Nutiva Hemp Protein, only 25 bucks with shipping. Hemp is the only ingredient. The healthiest powders seem to contain the least protein per serving. That's ok; I'd rather have to buy more of the powder than eat xanthum/guar/acacia gum, added sweeteners, and goddess knows what else.

I'm relieved. I get to continue my gainz and go back to my beloved high-carb diet. I wasn't feeling this beans for lunch thing. I miss the sweetness and easy cooking that comes with having sweet potatoes for lunch every day. Too bad I'll have to wait until next month to return to my old diet.

I'm still gonna try to get some protein from whole foods; I'll eat a bit more oat bran, for example. Greens provide protein, and I enjoy brown lentils in my dinner soup.

I hit a lifting milestone this evening. I can finally overhead press 15 lbs. without a massive struggle. It feels good. Overhead press progress is a bit non-linear because I'm not strong enough to simply add 5 pounds every week like I do with the other lifts.

Speaking of adding weight, I think I'll hold off on that until my protein powder arrives. I don't want to get even weaker/hungrier than I am at this point before my dietary solution is in place.

Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 05:31 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios