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Photobucket has stopped hosting the main image I use on my blog, the Magritte painting, so that's gone. Too much effort to re-upload it. No, it isn't too much effort; it's that I feel stupid being so involved as to bother re-uploading it. Even healthy levels of involvement make me feel stupid sometimes. Involvement presents vulnerability to disappointment. Disappointment is not even relevant to re-uploading an image, but withdrawing from involvement has become compulsive; that's why it's a problem.

Focus on the positive. I finally ordered a new saddle for my bike today. I've been having pain in my groin and backside while riding. Dammit, I tried, I tried so hard to find a saddle that's manufactured in the U.S. or at least a non-sweatshop country. I was really impressed with Sqlab, so I finally ordered from them. The company is German; I don't know where their saddles are manufactured. No one answered my email.

One hundred and sixty-nine dollars. This saddle better be like sitting on air.

Tomorrow is bridge night and I'm excited!

I lifted yesterday evening, first time in a week or so. I hardly lifted anything, only squatted up to 75 lbs., yet my thighs are sore today. Maybe its the reps that made me sore. I squatted the empty barbell for 30 reps, only 3 reps on the 75 lbs. Goin' for endurance.

I feel so freakin weak. I miss lifting heavy. I miss knowing that I can pick up damn near anything a person would ever need to pick up. This is the price I pay to have the body I want. I saw a female cyclist while I was searching for saddles and she had the body I want. I was inspired. Maybe that's not the right word. Heartened. People who lift do not have the body I want. And I'm thinner now and find dieting easier. So my path is clear.

I guess I still am strong enough to pick up damn near anything a person would ever need to pick up. People don't usually need to lift more than sixty or so pounds at a time. I just wanna Hulk out.

I don't enjoy squatting for endurance. When I squat I hold my breath to brace my abs. Combined with the many reps, this quickly puts me out of breath.

I'm discouraged about being a clarinetist. I haven't been motivated to pick up the instrument for the past few days. My guests have thrown me off what passed for my schedule.

Discouraged about finding housing and worried that I'll have to put it off because my sister may not be able to move with me and keep her job. I made sure she got on the waiting list for a nearby shelter. She can't stay with me. My nephew's elocution is grating.

I need work on handling emotions, mine but especially others'. I would rather do without than ask for something that may upset someone even a little. I don't want to ask my neighbor to move her stuff so that my sister can use my half of the storage space. My dislike of talking comes into play as well.

I've also noticed that I tend to expect people to not give me what I want, thereby killing my own motivation to ask. And if they say no or even seem hesitant to grant my wish, I feel stupid and berate myself for my involvement no matter how much I needed what I asked for. I even feel kind of off even if they say yes. Madness.

I'm starting my first course in about five days. It's called Grammar and Mechanics or something like that. I'm irritated that one of the mandatory textbooks is A Writer's Guide, which was a required textbook for my freshman English class in college! It seems too basic to waste thirty dollars on. Well. It's been through several editions since then; maybe it offers more now. And a little refresher won't hurt.

Another required text is this hokey Grammar for Dummies type book called Woe is I. Bestselling non-fiction is bound to be geared towards idiots. It has cutesy section titles to amuse readers who have the learning style of a child. All this extra bullshit is actually a barrier to learning for me. I'm flipping through it now and the contents look pretty damn basic. This book at least was only seven dollars on ebay.

I have to get out of here! so that I at least have the chance to go on dates. The cold is coming and still no heater. I'm getting desperate and considering moving to Sacramento. Being surrounded by concrete will be depressing, but I'll be able to cycle round the river and stuff at least. I hate being at the mercy of other people in my choice of a home. Hate it beyond words.

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I haven't slept properly for at least 2 or 3 days now. Even when I decide to go to sleep, I unconsciously wake myself up just as I'm dozing off (not via intrusive thoughts anymore, at least).

I don't wanna go to sleep!!! There aren't enough hours in the day. Especially since workout recovery seems to take forever.

I read some non-authoritative Internet article that said mesomorphs should focus on endurance in resistance workouts to avoid bulking up. So I started that yesterday. I set out to do fifty squats with the empty bar on my back followed by the other 2/3 thirds of my old lifting workout. I made it through 45 squats and 3 out of my 5 bench press sets. After a while I felt dizzy and nauseous. That's never happened to me before.

You know what it reminded me of? Crossfit shit. Except I'm not stupid enough to do cardio endurance shit with heavy ass weights. Stupid crossfags. This one guy dropped a loaded barbell on his own spine. The hell? It's like when toddlers try to throw something and somehow manage to throw it behind themselves. I'm guessing that kind of accident doesn't happen very often in weightlifting. Crossfit injuries (and deaths) are a whole 'nother universe.
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I told that goddamned doctor I wasn't depressed. I started lifting seriously again yesterday. My shoulders are sore. I really gotta take it easy on those squats. It's actually kind of a relief because I never much liked squats; I just got used to making myself do them and focusing on doing them properly.

Also a relief: it won't be the end of the world if I miss a workout. I don't like doing stuff regularly but I tried hard to make sure I lifted 3 times per week. Weight off my shoulders! And this will probably make me like lifting even more.

I just today got the idea to look up ways to practice my instruments without bothering neighbors. Why didn't I think of that before?? So I started playing clarinet again today too! I played in the closet lol. My neighbor told me just two days ago that her hearing is bad, so I'm even less worried about disturbing her. I dunno about that trumpet, though. That one is loud.

I also started studying Russian again today!

And I figured out how to add moisture to my hair without making it gooey or oily and without using mainstream products: I put shea butter in as a conditioner, then rinse it out. I just today ordered two pounds from Etsy.

Everything is chill except for this housing situation.
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Pulling my hair out over my lack of housing options and my life in general being on hold. I can't meet my OkC match, there's nothing to do in this town, and I'm still working back up to exercising. My first course doesn't start for another month. At least I found out that transferring to Santa Cruz county probably won't be as difficult as I thought it'd be.

I've been worried that I'll forget proper lifting form, so today I did half of my weightlifting warm-up to help me retain muscle memory. DAMN it felt good. As usual, I need to observe how I feel tomorrow and the next day to decide whether this is sustainable. I expect to feel fine. I know I'm getting better because I hardly slept at all last night, yet I felt fine today. :) I went outside just before my evening walk and suddenly felt like running.

This pause in my fitness routine has a bright side: I'm no longer so attached to lifting. I was like so addicted to it that I couldn't stop despite the fact that my body composition was not going in the right direction. I wanted (and want) to slim down, and, as a mesomorph, I need to focus on endurance cardio more than heavy lifting. That's another reason why I need to get the hell away from this town: so I can resume cycling. I haven't figured out how much lifting I'll do.

Those menstrual cramps got worse :( I couldn't sleep last night. 

I'm soooooo damned booorrrrrred at times.
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I cycled on my spinning bike for twenty minutes this morning. I walked for about thirty-eight minutes this evening. Tomorrow I'll have an idea of how much damage I've done, and I'll know for sure the day after that.

I look fatter. I'm back on a diet. Enduring hunger seems easier when I'm not exercising. I don't know why. I've been going to bed without eating and...no night sweats! What's up with that??

It seems that there is no way for me to use a Google account from home totally anonymously. I tried to sign in with Tor browser and my foreign IP address tipped Google off. I was prompted to enter my country; doing so would merely tip Google off the next time I sign in with Tor browser unless I keep reseting the Tor exit node so that it gives me an IP address that corresponds to that country. Relying on library computers is a bit too uncertain for work.

I feel that I will be able to sleep without pills tonight.

I Had To

Jun. 25th, 2017 10:47 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I couldn't take it anymore. I lifted this evening. I took it easy, didn't lift as heavy as I can. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

I felt so good today that I started studying Russian again.
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Thought I'd be able to make it through the day without caffeine, but no dice. Thanks to me, the grocery store ran out of Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars, so I ended up with a Red Bull from the gas station instead. I was afraid it wouldn't work, but it did the trick.

I finished We Too Are Drifting at the laundromat yesterday afternoon. It ended all of a sudden; I'm not even sure what happened. Seems like the protagonist let her young lover go off to college somewhere out of resignation, like she knew lesbians couldn't expect to stay together in a stable relationship. How sad :(
And what a strange, insubstantial book.

So, what shall I read next?

I sent off my enrollment form today. I'm gonna do that editing course.

From here it seems almost impossible that I'll earn enough money to cover my expenses and move away from here. I'm trying to psych myself up for a longish wait, a boring, empty summer and fall.

What if I open the bottle of Vit D3 and just chug a shitload of it at once instead of taking 1000 milliwhatever per day?? I wonder if that's safe. Shit, I'm gonna do it right now. I'm tired of being freakin tired.

Ok. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

The author of Starting Strength said that weightlifting injuries are inevitable. What an unpleasant thing to read. Wasn't sure whether I was going to try to squat 140 tomorrow, but maybe I'll pass on that. How did I even get up this high? Seems like just yesterday I was barely squatting 100, and 100 still feels heavy.

Late this evening, I walked past a building that had a second-floor that suddenly reminded me of an episode of The X-Files. Such random connections I make. I started thinking about how, towards the end of the series, I really got tired of the mytharc and only wanted to watch the standalone episodes, especially the ones in which Mulder and Scully got close. I felt kind of dumb about it, I don't know why.

As I was walking, the reason for my preference suddenly hit me: the mytharc reflected something ugly about reality. The government screwing people over and trying to keep it hidden. As I increased my political consciousness, this theme became depressing. And OMG, Mulder and Scully spending like a decade of their adult lives alone? Sooo not right. Who does that? Ha.
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I've been having trouble with my deadlift for the past three or four weeks. I was working on my form this evening when I suddenly lost muscle memory and just couldn't physically figure out how to lift the weight off the floor. It was strange, particularly since the deadlift is (was?) my favorite lift.

Squats are going great though! 115 lbs. today.

The amount of fat in my diet has always been quite low, but I've become concerned that it's too low. I bought some olive oil and use a little to roast my potatoes and broccoli.

I was looking through craigslist for entertainment when I came across the post of an incarcerated womon who wants a penpal. Maybe I'll be her penpal. Could be interesting. I would, however, prefer to keep my address a secret. There's a website to sign up on. I'll check it out tomorrow.

Is there a difference between loneliness and boredom? I feel boredom, I feel lust, I feel a need for physical contact. But I wouldn't call any of those things loneliness. I don't think I feel lonely, but I think of loneliness as something rather specific.

Finally mailed my signature off to voc rehab today.

There's gonna be a circus in town this weekend and I wanted to protest it but I don't have any vegans to protest with me! And I'm not sure non-animals will be exploited there anyhow. I just saw animals on the poster.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Squated one hundred and ten pounds this evening. I increased weight for all three of my exercises. I don't see how I'm going to squat much more than this because I'm putting an uncomfortable amount of pressure on my wrists to stabilize that weight, and I'm fairly sure my grip is proper. I got a copy of Starting Strength from the library. I have weak, puny wrists.

Saw therapist today and she surprised me a bit by focusing on breathing exercises that are supposed to help me sleep. I was quite worried about my ability to stick with these exercises because focusing on my body is so boring. The only way I can exercise for more than 5 minutes at a stretch is simultaneously watching videos or listening to music. I gots to start sleeping or my lifting will suffer.

Today was supposed to be grocery day, but I didn't want to reschedule my therapy appointment or go grocery shopping on a lifting day anyhow. I'm planning on going tomorrow though I know I won't have the energy for it. Haven't decided whether I'll take paratransit or not, but if I do, let's hope I remember to ask for a taxi driver that will not be playing the damned radio.

Right now I am downloading Tails, a security-based OS. It runs from a live USB and leaves no trace on the hard drive, so I can use it to access Google Docs and have secure conversations. There is a similar OS that is meant to be installed to hard drive. Can't remember the name at the moment. I want it on my other partition, but I'm afraid I'll install to the wrong partition again and overwrite Debian.
 
I'm going back to a highish carb diet. I don't feel satisfied eating all these damned legumes, and that just makes me eat more than I would otherwise. And cooking potfuls of beans and lentils is a pain in the ass anyhow. I miss the ease of putting a yam or baked potato in the oven. I'll eat tofu for protein, and I don't think I need 80-90 g of protein per day anyhow.

I've been reading a lesbian novel I bought before the fire. It's called We Too Are Drifting, and damn, is that title ever accurate. Very dry book, not much happening, and what is happening is only palely illustrated by the characters actions. Their actions: so much talking without saying anything and sitting around not doing anything, gives it a very bourgeosie flavor.

The protagonist, Jan, seems to have a lover she doesn't much care about and is just passively going along with the relationship. Jaded and can't focus on her art. 84 pages in, Jan has had tea with someone she is interested in and is still not being forthright with the lover. Lots of ambiguous looks and lighting cigarettes and sipping brandy throughout the story. Who are these people who drink hard alcohol every day.
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6 billion years after I asked for educational assistance, my voc rehab counselor finally sent my employment plan. Now all I have to do (I think) to start receiving services is sign it.

I'm now hesitant to go through with this editing certificate because I can't see myself selling my editing services for the rest of my career, and I don't want to waste the money on the course. The more time goes by, the simpler the job I want so that I can focus on other aspects of life and avoid stress.

I walked again this evening, for about one and three fourths of an hour. I feel sore and exhausted, and I don't understand why. It's just walking. Not even my weightlifting workouts leave me feeling this beat up. My back's been hurting at the end of the walks too! Such bullshit.

I scored a full-length mirror for three dollars at a yard sale this morning. All the better to support my vanity.

I need to figure out where I can dump my one bag of trash each month so that I can cancel my garbage service.

I'm having red lentils as if it were hot cereal, sweet with my homemade applesauce and a bit of extra cinnamon. It's not tasty/sweet enough to totally mask the bean flavor.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I'm kind of bothered by the implications of how well I can relate to personal accounts of autistic traits. Reading https://kirstenlindsmith.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/spoons-and-splines-the-laws-of-thermodynamic-autistic-motion/, I could relate to being worn out by tasks that seem easy for others and being stymied by seeing tasks in terms of a large number of smaller tasks rather than a coherent whole.
It would explain why I get fatigued so easily.

Also, I finished watching the Female Autism Conundrum podcast today.

I'm almost embarrassed to say that I still sometimes think about trying to get another ASD evaluation. On one hand, trying something that failed so many times seems like a fool's errand. Yet here I am, inexplicably tired out by a simple trip out of town, overwhelmed by the number of steps required to keep my apartment clean, and anxious about being around people because my facial and bodily attitude may seem odd to them.

Moved up to squatting 100 lbs. again today and thought I wasn't gonna make it, but it got easier with each set. I did struggle on the very last rep and hurt my back a little, but I'll be ok.

I've been adding 5 lbs. to my squat and deadlift with each workout; I wonder how much longer I'll be able to do that.

I've been able to cycle every day (i.e. consistently) by decreasing the workout to 25 minutes. I had been trying to do 45 minutes, but that length of time got so boring, I would dread the workout and I ended up not doing it consistently.

I'm tired of eating.

Microphone

Apr. 15th, 2017 09:28 pm
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
Well I ate as much as I wanted today and it still only came out to like 1150 calories. I actually stronger hunger pangs today than I've felt on fewer calories, like my metabolism had ramped up, but I still didn't want to eat more. Not being in the mindset of a restrictive diet is a positive change for me, so positive that I'm still at a caloric deficit without trying to be.

Spent half the day trying to get my new earbud/microphone headset to work with my desktop so that I can work as a website tester. I maxed out the volume controls, but it still records too low. I had to yell into the microphone to record anything loud enough to hear. It works fine with my laptop.

I've decided to add yoga, pilates, or both to my fitness regimen. I need something low intensity to burn fat, or so that's what people say. Don't want to tire myself out and expect to make good gainz next week with weight training.

Besides user testing, I also tried some of that online survey shite to earn money. It's not gonna work. I don't even qualify for many of the surveys, and I'm very uncomfortable with all the information I have to give out in the surveys because my consumption habits can be tied to the personal information I had to provide to get paid.

I keep putting out bids for editing work, but no one is biting. Trying to sell myself is SUCH a chore, so unnatural. So on Monday I'm going to contact my social worker and tell her that I'll be running out of money soon. Then I'll contact my vocational rehab counselor and ask for some other employment service, I don't know what. I just filled out the paperwork to re-open my case; as far as she knows, I just want help paying for an editing certificate, but that goal is receding further and further from my mind as more immediate financial concerns elbow their way to the front.

I'm EPICALLY bored ALWAYS and need to find someone to talk to.
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Last night I watched a TED talk about the reason we need single-stall gender-neutral public bathrooms. I hate TED talks with passion. But Ivan Coyote gave the talk and she's sexy as hell so I watched it mainly to see her. And damn, she looked even better than before.

Somewhere around the beginning of the talk, she said that she was a transperson. I was like, you too! Who isn't trans nowadays. But you know what else flies nowadays? Using words to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. So I don't know what she means by "trans." Maybe it isn't the bullshit pomo, misogynistic, reality-denying gender theory crap I fear it is.

In other news, I fixed my squat technique today! I'm so happy. I was leaving out the hip action. It's amazing how well I can squat now. I also figured out that I was hurting my back with deadlifting because I was just lifting too much! Duh. So I had to de-load from 140 to 120. My relief outweighs my disappointment. 1 step back to take 2 steps forward.

In my early twenties, I thought I was attracted to guys for like a week (this was after not really being attracted to anyone ever for my previous twenty years of life). Then I figured out that I was just attracted to their clothes (maybe haircuts too). After I got me some of them clothes, stuff ironed out real fast, and I decided that I was a lesbian around that time.

Now I'm wondering if something like that is happening to me again. I started watching lifting videos on Youtube, and most of the lifting videos (or maybe just the ones I watch) are made by guys. I started really paying attention to buff guys' bodies, even outside the context of the lifting videos.

I was watching this crappy, low-budget sci-fi movie in which this buff guy kept running around without a shirt when I realized how much attention I was paying to his freaking abs and how much I liked the way he looked, and that he wasn't the first.

All my visual inspiration for getting ripped comes from guys' bodies. I don't think I've ever looked at a fit womon and thought that I wanted to look like her. But I clearly remember watching Danial Craig walk up the beach in James Bond and thinking that I wanted thighs like his. I like the unrealistic inspiration, the body I can never have. Some dude a foot taller than me and 75 lbs. heavier, lol. Something about the over-the-topness is more motivating. A couple of them might be on steroids.

But now the thoughts have begun to skeeve me out. They somewhat feel "not me," but the scary part is the thoughts that do feel like me. A new and foreign me. There's probably a pornified overlay on my thoughts that truly is "not me," so I can take consolation in that at least. But I just need to get ripped fast so this shit can stop like it did with the clothes. It's very very disturbing and disorienting. I don't want to lose my lesbian card.

But thinking about those ripped chests, I just realized how bare they were! So these guys are shaving and not presenting themselves realistically in that sense. Whew. Few things less attractive than hairy man bodies. So I'm safe. But it's weird that I only just now noticed. Shaved man bodies have become so commonplace.

I watched this youtube video about this womon who detransitioned. She'd been bisexual before, but she said that testosterone had made her straight! How terrifying is that?! Some changes are just too much.

I'm super bored all the time. I had a nice chat with an anarchist I met, but I didn't have much to say. I guess it will get better with time. So nice to interact with another anarchist :) Just thinking about it gives me that full and solid feeling, just like thinking about interacting with vegans, and, to an extent, interacting with butch lesbian (that one is scarier though, like being on a rollercoaster ride). Other people leave me with a hollow feeling.

No Plank!

Mar. 30th, 2017 09:38 pm
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A miracle happened today. I had a bit of time to kill before my lifting workout, and I ended up watching a squat technique video made by the guy who popularized the routine I use.

First, I quickly saw what's been wrong with my form (and has likely been causing my backache): I've been holding the bar on my shoulders instead of on my upper back. I don't know how that happened; I certainly squatted the correct way before The Fire.

So the weight was pressing straight down on my spine, which seems to me like it can cause lower back pain.

Second, I saw that my idea of (positioning my feet) "shoulder-length apart" was too narrow. I got up right then and tried to squat with my feet wider apart. Then I actually measured my shoulders, put the tape measure on the floor and positioned my feet on it so that the distance between my heels matched the distance I'd measured between my shoulders. And I was able to squat that way, unassisted!

This is a big freakin deal because I long ago gave up on being able to squat below parallel unassisted and have been squatting with my heels elevated on a one inch thick plank of wood. For the first time in forever, I squatted without that plank today. In order to allow myself to get used to that, however, I had to dial back the weight to 65 lbs.

I also made sure to put the bar on my back, and that felt more comfortable immediately. The weight also felt lighter. I hope to quickly progress back up to the weight I was squatting before. I expect my back to gradually heal from the damage I've been doing it.

I finally got my taxi scrip this afternoon, so I'll be taking a taxi out of town for my groceries and starting my new high protein diet on the 3rd. I may have to make some serious modifications to the diet, however. As it stands, I'll need 24 lbs. of broccoli and 12 lbs. of tofu for the month. That in itself will cost a fortune, even if the broccoli is not organic.

I haven't been able to figure out how to get 1 g of protein per pound of body weight (that's 121 g) per day while maintaining the caloric deficit I need to lose 1 lb. per week, so I'm sticking with 100-110 g of protein per day. That's probably enough. The caloric deficit is more important to me.

My housing tech made an appointment to come see the heater tomorrow morning.

YES

Mar. 28th, 2017 11:04 pm
improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
I started laughing because I ran across a Yahoo! answers question about a boyfriend and girlfriend being white and their baby looking black. My abs hurt a bit. SUCCESS. I know I'm developing those ab muscles when that shit hurt.

I finally gave in and de-loaded down to 85 lbs. this evening. I was relieved and finally over the nice round-sounding 100 lbs. My form was much better, my back less stressed.
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
First day squatting 100. Definitely won't be increasing weight next week. Gonna stick with this until it doesn't feel so heavy, until my form is locked in.

It's not fun to think that progressing to 200 lbs. is gonna take forever. But it will take forever if I increase by 5 lbs. every two weeks instead of every week. It feels so good to see the weight pile up on the bar.



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I've done almost nothing but watch Netflix these past couple of days. I'm surprised at the limited and shitty selection of movies. I'll definitely be cancelling my trial subscription, for which I signed up to access indie science fiction movies.

I'm still struggling to focus, but I have managed to read the first three chapters of Ursula Le Guin's The Lathe of Heaven. The book's premise is interesting so far, but I struggle to keep reading because of all the boring, irrelevant details.

I've lost my patience with verbose, flowery literary bullshit. If I wanted to read poetry, I wouldn't be reading a novel. I don't give a damn about all the adjectives the author can pull out of her ass to describe sunshine. I want to read a story, dammit. Just tell me straight up what the characters did.

I've decided to do almost all of my laundry in the bathtub. This is perfect for someone who has so little clothing. I think only the menstrual pads need to go into a washing machine. That's one load of laundry per month.

I'm going to be loading up on veggies next month. I had 13 ounces of broccoli for dinner and I don't really feel hungry. 123 kcal, baby. This is the way to lose weight. I know the progress of my diet is going to drag ass otherwise. My jeans are too damned tight in the thigh area.

I've been thinking that maybe I progress through the Stronglifts routine too quickly. Maybe I should increase weight every two weeks instead of every week. I'll have to slow it down at some point anyhow. Ain't no way I'll be able to lift an extra 5 lbs. every week once I get up to 200, 250 lbs.

My Back

Mar. 21st, 2017 10:12 pm
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
My back couldn't withstand my workout this evening. It didn't really hurt so much as it felt weak and stressed. I squatted 95 lbs. for one rep, and I could feel that something bad would happen if I kept going. Super upset :(

So I squatted 70. 70 measly lbs.! I don't know what's up with me. I recorded myself squatting to check my technique. I noticed that I slightly lifted my right foot with each rep, but I don't know what effect that has, if any. I also noticed that I don't look as fat as I'd feared.

I couldn't finish my barbell rows either. I was soooo looking forward to squatting 100 next week, but that's clearly not going to happen. Maybe I'm just a weakling :(

Maybe it's this goddamned lawn chair I sit in all day!

Well, the good news is that I'm back on my diet. Hunger pangs don't bother me. I could actually eat a lot less if it weren't for damned hypoglycemia. That might not be healthy, though. I keep trying to eat a bit less at night, but hypoglycemia won't let me. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating. So frustrating.

Saved myself some money by washing my gross-smelling sleeping bag liner in the tub today. My living room window looks out onto the roof of the adjoining building, so I crawled out there and laid the liner out to dry in the sun (held down by a couple of my weights). Score.

I watched a few South Park episodes this evening. The show is kind of annoying now that the episodes cover everything that happens in real life.

Guess I'll have a banana and peanut butter before bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Whatever was broken got fixed, and I was able to access the road again today. !!!

I dunno how far I cycled, maybe twenty or twenty-five miles. Looked at the weather report before I left the house and was almost dumbstruck to find the wind classified as calm. There's always wind out in farmland. But it was indeed quite still once I got out there, although the wind picked up a bit during the ride.

I don't know if that ride helped, but I feel better (less tired, particularly) than I did this morning, and I felt better this morning that I've been feeling over the past few weeks. I hope that I will have fixed this fatigue problem before my medical appointment rolls around so that I can cancel the appointment.

My back started hurting far too early in the ride :( 
I should go to the doctor anyway if I'm still having back problems. I know that I should probably stop lifting or lift less, but I hate doing that shit, and my back doesn't hurt much anyhow. I'm hoping the pain was due to poor form and will eventually go away now that I've improved my form...but that may very well be wishful thinking.

I think that I finally really know what it's like to be proud of oneself. Despite having achieved shit in my youth, I never really felt proud or really understood what other people meant about feeling proud of themselves. Doing stuff was just business as usual for me, achievement, hey great, on to the next challenge.

It took time, but I don't think any of it really took much effort. Maybe that's why I never really understood pride. Not that doing that stuff was easy. It was just...or rather, I was...just me. I dunno how to explain it.

But what is not easy is dragging myself up out of this chair when I have fatigue and brain fog and getting shit done. Like that workout this afternoon.

Speaking of workouts, I wish to Allah that I could get an accurate estimate of the calories I burn when I exercise without getting one of those Fitbit thingies. I tried entering the cycling into cronometer and it told me that I'd burned nearly a thousand calories. No. No I didn't.

Last night I dreamt that I was up to some sort of illicit scheme. One or two of my apparent cohorts dropped me off at Harvard. I'm sure the place didn't look the way Harvard looks (I've never seen Harvard), but the sign on the building said "Harvard."

So I went in (I think I was wearing a suit or something similarly dressy) and cased the joint a bit. Went and sat in the student lounge area. Of course shit stopped making sense, that must happen in nearly every dream. There was like some sort of mini freezer that folded out of the little table, and I was excited to find some Eggos in there. Then a toaster appeared and I had a grand old time eating the waffles.

It seemed like I ended up hanging out at Harvard every day for a few days, and a young lady who'd been standing outside near the door the first time I entered saw me around and became attached to me. She started talking to me, and I became nervous, knowing I was up to no good (although I'd forgotten my plan shortly after being dropped off and couldn't remember it after waking either). Well, the dream kind of petered out and ended. She did something nice, I can't remember what.
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My knees are hurting more than ever tonight. It's far from unbearable, but it is uncomfortable. My elbows hurt for a bit today as well, but only mildly. I hope I don't have to stop lifting :(

I broke 80 lbs. on my squat just yesterday. I'm excited about my progress. How disappointing having to quit would be.

I've been having some strong and uncharacteristic sexual urges. That, the fatigue, and the joint pain makes me wonder whether I'm experiencing some weird hormonal stuff.

I finally got some work, a long-term contract! Math-based job, editing math solutions. Just copy-paste so far. Twenty-four bucks per hour for copy paste! Incredible.

The first chapter of Yurugu is about the origins of European cultural thought: Plato's "rationalistic" world view, the basis of which is supposedly the splitting of thought along the lines of emotion vs. reason and the necessity of objectification (self vs. the rest of the universe). The author argues that this splitting set the stage for other types of psychosocial splitting, including Westerners' sense of alienation and disidentification, devaluation, and subsequent aggression towards non-Europeans. 

As I read through this today (particularly the part about non-Europeans adopting this alien world view), I was reminded of the heretofore seemingly unsolvable sense of alienation political differences have occasioned me. Perhaps that alienation can be eliminated or decreased by a change in world view. Of course I've thought of that before, but I don't know what world view could accomplish the task.

Or maybe I don't need any more world views. Maybe I should get out of my head and seek connection experientially. Yeah, that sounds right. That approach accords with my Enneagram too, how neat is that?
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