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My mom just called me. She made a bunch of apologies for a bunch of stuff, but apologies don't really mean anything to me so most of it kind of went in one ear and out the other. That's a curious way to put it since a large chunk of everything people say to me goes in one ear and out the other...

Anyways, she said she wanted to be back in my life. And I said ok. So she's going to be calling me.

I'm not sure what prompted this. She did say that she's been wanting it for some time, but she also thanked me for taking in my sister, and I wonder if helping my sister made her decide to call.

So this is what's happening with me in the moment: 

I was kind of at a loss to say anything and expect to be so in the future. A long time ago, I subconsciously decided to minimize what I say in conversations with my mom to avoid encouraging interaction, being misunderstood, being pissed off, and getting the tiniest bit attached to talking to her.

This is one of the ways in which I have curbed my spontaneity to live up to my idealized image. I now know that curbed spontaneity has ramifications beyond what I imagined. It's a way to very gradually begin self-destructing from the inside out.

I worried that this would be awkward.

Though it was not difficult, I had to fight off my instinct to withdraw. I hesitated before I consented to increased contact. After I got off the phone, I began to worry about getting too attached. Too attached to my own mother! Wow.

So I've had a headache on and off for like the past three days. My metabolism seemed to suddenly rev up around the same time, so I thought the headache was caused by undereating and/or not eating soon enough. But I ate a ton over the last couple of days, and that barely helped at all. I wonder if the noise/stress is the cause.

I can only wonder. I've hardly ever been able to actually sense noise causing me headaches, even though I'm now sure that noise has so often been the culprit.

My insomnia has rapidly worsened. The fam leaves in about six days. I got a new contract yesterday evening and need to hold myself together.

A couple of days ago, I suddenly had a taste/idea for a double carb dish: potatoes and rice. It's been very satisfying. I think it would be better would white rice, however, but I don't have any and perhaps shouldn't dare eat any. I don't want to repeat that elevated blood sugar episode I 
had with the sushi rice...last year, was it?

I'm gonna go make some right now.
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I tried doing an even lighter workout this evening, and I'm already starting to feel. Usually I don't feel bad until the morning after.

I love my hair. I've been taking very good care of it lately. For most of my life I had no idea how to keep it clean and moisturized. I was raised to put grease in my hair. I decided that wasn't good for my hair because grease blocks the follicles.

I would keep various types of moisturizer in my hair and not wash my hair often because washing dried it out, but that combination made my hair dirty. As an adolescent, I washed my hair so infrequently that I actually somewhat envied people who washed their hair daily. I still had dandruff and dry scalp.

Now I condition with oil (and sometimes shea butter), but wash it/them out the same day. I do this every day or every other day. I've discovered that I have to do it that often; missing just a few days leaves me with dandruff.

I was a bit upset yesterday. The shrink has begun doing to me that thing I hate, that thing that makes me not want to be around people. Guessing at what I'm thinking and not taking what I'm saying at face value. To put salt in the wound, she's partially basing her diagnosis of depression on her "observation" that I "isolate."

This time was a bit different, however. First I was telling her about a conversation I had, and she randomly asked me if my response was caused by hostility. Then she (out of the blue) told me that I seem to think that I'm aware of all of my motivations. She reminded me that people have an unconscious. I know damned well that I was paying better attention to the details of the conversation than she was (particularly given her having asked me for details I had stated not 5 minutes before), and I'm sure that I said nothing that justified that "observation."

I'm not going to put up with someone who thinks she know what I'm thinking better than I do. I am so done with that. I will think of a way to bring it up with her next week. If this doesn't work out, never again will I seek a female shrink. I give up! The only shrink I ever had who seemed to understand me was a guy.

My millet didn't finish cooking again. I used to cook it perfectly every single night, but I've been messing it up for the past month or two. I don't know what I'm doing differently. I'll just have undigestable millet in my gut tonight.

I'm going to be trying extra hard to get enough sleep so that I can continue lifting. No computer late at night (I shouldn't even be online now).
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now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed

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Seems like my high-protein diet is working. Today was the first day and already I didn't really feel much fatigue at all. I was tired from yesterday's all-day shopping excursion, but nothing so debilitating as what I've been experiencing.

I've put myself back on a diet, one with which I am supposed to lose 1/2 pound per week. Not sure this is sustainable because I am quite hungry. No organic potatoes at the crappy local grocery store, and bringing some home with me yesterday would have been too much to carry, so I'm having 4 meals per day instead of the 5 I'd planned.

Although having to space my meals further apart is a pain, the number of meals is not a huge deal because I was able to expand the 4 meals to cover the calories of the fifth. The number of calories I'm supposed to be eating, however, feels a bit too low. Seems to me that I don't workout much, so perhaps it's the muscle I've put on eating up all those calories. Actually, I do need to eat something close to bedtime, so the number of meals might be a bigger problem than I'd previously thought. Perhaps I will put the wheat gluten and wheat bran together as a fifth meal. The gluten did not work so well in my evening stew, and I'm not really using the wheat bran except for a couple of teaspoons in my breakfast.

I had my first homemade burrito in forever and it was wonderful! It was just a simple deal with spiced pinto beans, iceberg lettuce, and store-bought salsa on a whole wheat tortilla, but I quite enjoyed it. I tried mixing the beans with wheat bran for even more protein and volume, but that didn't pan out.
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All that Vit D3 I downed last night seemed to have no effect, so I went out for another Red Bull. All this caffeine I'm buying is costing me a fortune.

I thought maybe it's all the B vitamins in the Red Bull that make me feel so much better but the Clif Bars contain no more than 10% RDA of each B vitamin and my food diary shows that I'm getting 80%–100% RDA of B vitamins not including the portion from the Red Bull and Clif Bars.

Being able to concentrate on reading feels soooo goodI finished reading Jung's Psychological Types this afternoon. I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it. I bet Jung was an Intuitive. Either the translator did a shitty job or the writing was Intuitive-opaque.

Deadlifted 160 this evening!
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Yet another song I listen to again and again without being able to figure out all the lyrics.

I heard a splash out behind the apartment building yesterday afternoon and wondered where the water had come from. Until I recognized the sound as tires on dirt and gravel.

I don't fall asleep til the wee hours of the morning now. The heat is playing a big role. Spring here is like summer.

I was so tired yesterday, I couldn't collect myself to go grocery shopping (and hadn't finalized this month's menu anyhow). I lay back down but couldn't sleep. I blew through a lot of time putting a marker pen, the one I used for Arabic script, to a use for which it was not intended. Good times.

I had to get some food from the local market because I felt that I couldn't stomach what I had left in the house. I found french bread on sale for a dollar and put some homemade lentil sloppy joe in it.

I also bought a cereal called Nutty Nuggets, kind of a Grape Nuts ripoff. OMG. Most filling thing I've ever eaten. I could have gone the whole day without eating again. I had a couple bowls this morning and was fine until evening with nothing but some coconut candy and a protein bar. I didn't even really feel hungry this evening. And no migraine!

You see, it's the carbs that make me feel full. So I'm back to eating potatoes and brown rice and yams this month.

But I took the bus back home and saw myself kicking this man in the head because he wouldn't stop talking.

The heat. I'm hesitant to leave the windows open because of the insects that keep getting in. A couple days ago, I looked over at the pile of novels sitting up against the wall beneath the window and beheld atop them a creature straight out of National Geographic. I toppled and nearly broke my laptop bolting up out of the chair in mindless horror.

Insects are just so wrong.

And this one was even wronger than usual. She appeared to be a type of cockroach, but of a size so unholy, I would never have expected to find her outside of wilderness or laboratory. At least two, maybe three inches long. And what was she doing coming in through the second floor window?!

The worst thing about insects is seeing them run because running means panic, and their panic infects me. I see them panic and I panic. I don't know why. Given the size, the creature's speed was of course unsurpassed, and watching her bolt across the carpet inspired a new level of horror.

Patiently I devised a way to capture her for return to the outside world, abandoning first a glass candle holder (lest I accidentally crush one of her spindly limbs), then a small aluminum trash can, finally setting a box in her path along a wall.

I've somewhat made my peace with the spiders patrolling the ceilings. It helps that they aren't large or evil-looking. At the moment, a mosquito is sharing the bedroom with me and eating me alive. The bites add to my inability to fall asleep. The breathing exercises help to relax me, but they aren't putting me to sleep so well.
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6 billion years after I asked for educational assistance, my voc rehab counselor finally sent my employment plan. Now all I have to do (I think) to start receiving services is sign it.

I'm now hesitant to go through with this editing certificate because I can't see myself selling my editing services for the rest of my career, and I don't want to waste the money on the course. The more time goes by, the simpler the job I want so that I can focus on other aspects of life and avoid stress.

I walked again this evening, for about one and three fourths of an hour. I feel sore and exhausted, and I don't understand why. It's just walking. Not even my weightlifting workouts leave me feeling this beat up. My back's been hurting at the end of the walks too! Such bullshit.

I scored a full-length mirror for three dollars at a yard sale this morning. All the better to support my vanity.

I need to figure out where I can dump my one bag of trash each month so that I can cancel my garbage service.

I'm having red lentils as if it were hot cereal, sweet with my homemade applesauce and a bit of extra cinnamon. It's not tasty/sweet enough to totally mask the bean flavor.
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I got my lab results today. Most everything was normal. My Vitamin D was low, so I'm now supposed to take 2 sprays/day of my vegan supplement instead of 1.

My antinuclear antibody or something was positive, so I'm going to be referred to the rheumatologist. Again. I bet the doctor will find nothing wrong with me again.

The cab cost way more than expected again, so I had to wait hours for the bus. During the one-hour ride home, I had probably the worst migraine-induced nausea I've ever experienced. I was afraid I'd puke in the bus. I had the driver drop me off at a fast food restaurant so that I could get some food right away. All this suffering just because I missed lunch.

I was flossing last night when I noticed that the floss smelled bad :( I don't know what that means. Did I just have bad breath, or is something rotting in my mouth? This wasn't the first time I've noticed this since I've been living here. Now I'm afraid to talk to people because I may have bad breath. Why does this body require so much taking care of??

I'm overdue for a dental exam, but I have a feeling there won't be anything a dentist can do to get rid of my bad breath. I'm not sure why; I just have an image of myself as someone who has chronic bad breath. I read somewhere that both anxiety and hypoglycemia can cause bad breath, and I swear I'm always dealing with one or the other, if not both.

So this is what I have to do: I have to find a source of income.
  • have to take better care of my oral health
  • have to keep the house cleaner (I've been doing better at this)
  • have to shower more often (been slacking since I don't have a lot of clothes)
  • have to act just slightly less eccentric. just a little. worrying less will be sufficient for accomplishing that.
  • have to find a vegan
And bam! once I do all that, I'll have a shot at a girlfriend.
I tried to make a soybean meatloaf last night. I mixed the soybeans with my hemp protein powder, but it was still too gooey. So I'll need oats or something like the recipes say. But HOT DAMN did it have a lot of protein. 32 grams, roughly one-third of my total daily protein intake.
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Another day of weakness! Another day of destroying my diet with extra calories and making an unplanned grocery store trip for protein bars.

I give up on trying to get sufficient protein from whole foods. I'm lifting nowhere near as much as I want to lift, yet to sustain even that I have to eat more than I want to, more than my fat-loss regimen can succeed on. I'm tired of cooking navy beans everyday, especially since they apparently never provide enough protein. So it's protein powder for me!

I found a simple organic and non-gmo protein powder on Amazon and ordered two containers this evening. Nutiva Hemp Protein, only 25 bucks with shipping. Hemp is the only ingredient. The healthiest powders seem to contain the least protein per serving. That's ok; I'd rather have to buy more of the powder than eat xanthum/guar/acacia gum, added sweeteners, and goddess knows what else.

I'm relieved. I get to continue my gainz and go back to my beloved high-carb diet. I wasn't feeling this beans for lunch thing. I miss the sweetness and easy cooking that comes with having sweet potatoes for lunch every day. Too bad I'll have to wait until next month to return to my old diet.

I'm still gonna try to get some protein from whole foods; I'll eat a bit more oat bran, for example. Greens provide protein, and I enjoy brown lentils in my dinner soup.

I hit a lifting milestone this evening. I can finally overhead press 15 lbs. without a massive struggle. It feels good. Overhead press progress is a bit non-linear because I'm not strong enough to simply add 5 pounds every week like I do with the other lifts.

Speaking of adding weight, I think I'll hold off on that until my protein powder arrives. I don't want to get even weaker/hungrier than I am at this point before my dietary solution is in place.

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I somehow ended up with twenty-two dollars' worth of organic small white navy beans. Not sure what I'm gonna do with them. I can't really have any more sodium in my diet, so they aren't gonna be very tasty no matter what I do.

My Diet

Jan. 21st, 2017 10:55 pm
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Another day fighting the wind, another day on rough roads. I found out that another bus (actually a small shuttle) makes optional stops at the post office in the nearest town, a tiny rural village that's about 9 miles away.

But the town the shuttle goes to is nothing special, just another place filled with Walmarts and grocery stores full of processed food. I can't live without my co-op, so that's where I'm going next month.

I'm working on the daily menu I will start next month. I'm going to stick with oat bran for breakfast because it's delicious, full of protein, and easy to make. Yams/sweet potatoes are out (not enough protein), and potatoes will be moved up from lunch to brunch.

I haven't decided what I'll have for lunch. I want so badly to have burritos, but there are no affordable and healthy vegan burrito wraps anywhere. Dinner will still be vegetable and grain soup, but I'll be having a large helping of mung beans (instead of the brown lentils) in the soup. I kind of want a fifth meal, but I think that will be optional. Fitting in another meal is difficult enough with my current caloric intake; once that drops, it will be all but impossible.

Chickpea flour is gonna be in there somewhere, maybe for lunch. I found a simple and easy recipe for chickpea flour quiche. I made a loaf of bread with it in the past, and that was irresistible, so maybe some of that, but I don't want to be constantly tempted to eat the whole loaf.
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I waited half the day to start working on one of my long-term client's blog posts yesterday, then the storm knocked out an electrical pole or something. So the work was just over an hour late today (my client probably didn't even notice) and I nearly froze to death last night.

It like wasn't even a real storm? Just raining moderately hard with a bit of wind. Wimpy California storms.

So in addition to the computer desk and surge protector I can't afford, I also need an uninterruptible power supply.

Damn I feel good after a hard workout.

I used to live almost entirely in my head when I was young. I would skip meals, skip sleep, and hold my bladder to the point of feeling ill just to continue reading a book. I'm glad I decided to live in my body as well. Feels great and I'm not hopelessly overweight anymore.

I feel embodied. As opposed to just being inside some sort of vessel that's continually dragging me away from things with its repetitive and boring needs. Eating the same thing every day on the same schedule (every three hours) took care of the latter concern.

The embodiment is kind of a circular thing: being in my body more helped me to enjoy being in my body more. Paying attention to my physical needs and attending to them made embodiment more enjoyable. And coming to see that some of my intellectual activities were pointless and compulsive knowledge-hoarding helped as well. The sense of embodiment dampens my compulsions.

A can of expired organic soybeans was on sale at the local supermarket. I decided to try it since I'm planning to increase my protein consumption. I added five ounces of the beans to the soup I have for fourth meal. Not very tasty at all. I'll stick with brown lentils, thanks, even with the lower protein content.

Dunno why, but the county has put an extra twenty dollars cash on my EBT card, and that's just over what I need for five pounds of those lentils I posted about last time.
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I want to order a box of organic, non-gmo brown lentils, but they are expensive. Five bucks for 1.25 lbs.

I thought I could get away with increasing my protein next month, but I need to do it now. I've been feeling tired around my weightlifting workouts. I deadlifted 80 measly lbs. today. Can't weight to get back to my 120.

I have to repeat last week's overhead press weight because I'm not strong enough to lift 5 extra lbs. over my head.

I'm thinking there's a good chance I'll never get the body I want and will just be bulky.

In the third of fourth chapter of Prince Lestat, vampiric doctors offer Lestat the opportunity to ejaculate (which he hasn't done for over two hundred years). They also offer him a female doctor, who is apparently a prostitute in their warped little vampire biology research organization, sitting half-naked in a box with one-way mirrors for walls. I couldn't deal and stopped reading at that point. Ann Rice has some iffy, borderline misogynistic shit going on in her books.

So I did an Internet search on misogyny in Ann Rice's novels. Came across a tumblr on which someone was discussing her vampire novels as literary representation of bisexuality. Whut??? They're freaking vampires, they don't have sex, and they don't really have romantic relationships either. The novels can be interpreted as having an air of homoeroticism at points, but I don't see the bisexuality at all, and I've read them all except for Merrick and Prince Lestat. There's love for males, but little for females.

Ann Rice still calling Lestat "brat prince." It's old and getting on my nerves.

Now that I'm older, I can see the flaws in her writing. Or maybe this book is worse than the others.

I got my rent reduced to nothing! Still can't afford my bills.

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I worked out hard today, and I feel great! Or rather, I felt great; now I'm a bit sleepy. I'm starting to lift heavy again, and I'm upping my squat reps, so I'm gonna have to up the protein intake. I really want some brown lentils, but I can only find them online. I would also like to have bean burritos as one of my daily meals, but there aren't any healthy vegan tortillas (or gluten-free), at least, not any affordable ones. I'd have to make my own, and that'll take too much effort.

Someone from the womyn's land I visited emailed me this evening. I'd hoped that they'd forget about me. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back, at least, not any time soon. I may visit one day (not likely), but I'm not planning to live there anymore.

Found another road at the edge of town that isn't completely paved, so I  had to turn around and come back to town. What's up with the unpaved roads around here? Did the transportation department run out of money? I want to move away soooo badly.

The oat bran I got (not from the co-op) is hard and cut larger than what I'm used to, so it isn't as enjoyable and I really don't want to use that store again. I could take the bus out of town and cycle 44.5 miles (one way) to the co-op, but I'm not in shape enough to make it back.

I really had no idea how isolated this place is.
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I found a way out of town! A way that leads to a larger town. That last country road I found doesn't really go anywhere, just to some tiny rural towns. At least, I assume that they are tiny. I rode for a bit today, but the wind was against me, so I turned around about 10 miles outside of town. I was on a levee road with farms stretching out below me as far as I could see. The sun was shining and the view was gorgeous. Almost no cars whatsoever were on the road. It was a good workout.

Came home ready for some baked sweet potatoes. I don't know what these things are in the picture below, but they aren't any sort of sweet potato I'm used to. I'm used to an orangish vegetable.

Sometimes I think I'd rather just stay alone because people are repulsive and thinking about...ew, nevermind. That's me thinking of people as one giant group again. I don't expect to find one special person anyways. Will probably end up alone regardless of what I do.

I need to start checking the weather regularly, and I need to familiarize myself with wind speeds so that I know when when it's too windy to ride.

I've stopped guzzling water at night, and I'm sleeping much better. Maybe it has something to do with not getting up to use the bucket three times a night, but I've gotten up that many times to use the bathroom at night before and I was sleeping ok. Now that I'm drinking less at night, I wake up feeling a bit headachy.

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I have been studying personality typing systems over the past few days, hoping to dig up a few pieces of advice for my personal development. I score INTJ in the Myers-Brigg system, LII in Socionics, and 5w6 in the Enneagram. The descriptions for all three of these types seem to match how I am, and they also confirm my poor experiences in the social realm and poor social prospects.

Ok, I just decided that I'm not gonna focus on this.

This evening, I tried worshipping Onan with fantasy relevant to my personal interests and without porn. I had to use the vibrator. Physically, it was about the same. Psychologically, it was better, largely because I didn't feel like a perv afterwards. And I dozed off a bit afterwards! I haven't done that in soooooooooooo long. Haven't been relaxed enough, I guess. I was surprised at the ease with which I was able to switch up the fantasy. It was as if the change was somehow due.

I've been finding it difficult to get out of the sleeping bag in the morning because of the cold, and I'm not motivated to get up in the first place because my life is crappy, so I waste hours just lying there until I finally give up trying to brave the chill and turn the heater on, which I soon thereafter have to turn off to avoid a room that's too hot for my morning cycling session.

I LOVE eating broiled red potatoes. They are so satisfying. Low-cal too: I could eat a whole pound of them for fewer calories than there are in most any fast food meal. I'll probably have some tonight before going to bed. I hope I'll feel properly sleepy by then. I may have to try progressive relaxation to get to sleep. Or just read some more until I'm ready to pass out.
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I called Social Services about my missing food stamps and was told that they'd sent a new EBT card to my old address (the shelter). The person who answered the phone at the shelter said they "probably" didn't have any mail for me, since they return mail to sender if the recipient isn't on the shelter roster. He didn't actually check, of course.

Well, I never got the new card, and the soonest way to get another was to go to a Social Services office. Since I had food stamps transferred to the county the shelter is in, and the transfer over to this county isn't complete, I had to go back to the former. That trip cost me over sixteen dollars one way.

Getting the EBT card took forever (over an hour), but I was determined to go grocery shopping while I was in town. I ended up missing the last bus back into town, and I spent sixty-five dollars on a cab! I could have spent a fraction of that on groceries for today and took the earlier bus out of town tomorrow to get my shopping done in time. I'd hoped to get a haircut while I was in a big city, but that was totally out of the question. I could have spent a fraction of that amount on a cab, too, if the county had confirmed my eligibility for the disabled taxi program, but I haven't yet received a response. Convenient.

That fire is still costing me money.

I also have a migraine from not eating for half the day, all day travel, dehydration, or a combination of all three. I had a cup of coffee, but it didn't help.

It sure did feel good to be riding in bike lanes again.

Yay my package from Goodwell arrived today. The proprietary material of which their flossers are made is supposed to be compostable and biodegradable. It looks and feels like straight up plastic. The toothpaste is fluoride-free! I'd thought that it contained fluoride. All the "healthy" toothpastes are fluoride-free, but I don't know if I should trust this trend. All I know is that my teeth have plaque on them and aren't very white, and the dentist emphatically told me to use a fluoride toothpaste.

I should be going to bed. Looking at computer screens always makes migraines worse.

The social services office has several monitors hanging from the ceiling. The monitors show which number is being called, and the window to which the corresponding ticket holder should report. Of course this information was nothing but a blur to me, so I had to don eyeglasses to read it. That didn't help with the migraine.

Every time a new number is added to the list, the monitors make a noise that sounds exactly like a Windows error. So frickin annoying. I guess whoever designed that must have had some lulz.

Well, I have groceries now. But I overspent. Somehow I bought over eleven dollars worth of brussel sprouts?! Because of the headache, I was a mess by the time I got to the grocery store. I have twenty-nine dollars left. I doubt that that's enough for greens and potatoes for the rest of the month. Oh, and I've no money left over for bananas, which are supposed to make up my fifth meal of the day. I've planned out my meals again to complement my fitness regimen:

Breakfast: raw oat bran mixed with stewed fruit, pumpkin pie spice, and fresh ground peanut butter, washed down with a hot drink made from unsweetened coconut milk, water, and some sort of unsweetened powdered drink mix (chicory and rye)

Brunch: baked potatoes or baked sweet potatoes

Lunch: potatoes or sweet potatoes

Supper: legume soup or legume curry (protein for muh gainz) with greens

Dinner: bananas

I did get a shitload of sweet potatoes, which cost me twenty-seven dollars. Money well spent! They are so tasty and satisfying. Easy to cook, too! I just pop them in the oven, sometimes cutting them in half or thirds if they're thick, but I chose slim ones this time.

My thighs are sore :(

UPS apparently tried to deliver something (probably my buckwheat hulls) day before yesterday. I was home all day and heard nothing. That's another thing I dislike about this apartment: I'm very isolated from outside. Actually, maybe I didn't hear anything because I spend all my time in the bedroom.

It's Ok!

Nov. 24th, 2016 11:36 pm
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It's ok to post random updates! It's ok to be happy to get comments, likes, and thanks. It's ok to be attracted to lesbians on youtube and freak out at the new It's All Butch Calenders (Yes, CALENDARS, plural! They're killing me.).

It's ok to interact with random people online. In fact, it's better than ok, because one (or more) of those people could become not-so-random. It's all ok. And even if some of it turns out not-so-ok, I can just walk away, and I will survive it. I'm not exactly sure how, but the will to do so is enough at this time. It's ok to have a dating profile, even if nothing ever comes of it, even if I meet incompatible people through it. I don't have to keep thinking about it.

But as I began to type this, I figured out a very big part of the reason why all this stuff is ok now: I'm not homeless anymore. It's just this simple: I'm in a bad mood so often because not enough good things happen in my life. If more good things happen, I won't sweat the other stuff so much. So I have to engineer my life so that enough good stuff happens to me. I need to have more happy goings-on.

And the other thing is that I probably won't resent people so much for not giving me what I need if I just find one of them who /can/ give me what I need. Then I can forget all about those other people. Our incompatibility won't be The End of The World for me; I'll just go hang out on another planet.

Organic long-grain brown rice with Swiss chard and green peas (without sugar in them) for dinner tonight.

My carpet is crawling with fleas and they are eating me alive. I tried a natural solution: soapy water around a candle. The candlelight is supposed to attract the fleas, who are supposed to somehow get confused and fling themselves into the soapy water, from which they supposedly cannot escape. Not sure it's working. I felt less little things crawling on me after I put this down in the room, but I didn't notice any fleas floating in the water.

After three wash cycles (with Dr. Bronner's) and two drying cycles, my cloth diapers are ready for TP duty (and none too soon, as I ran out of disposable TP early this afternoon). Below is what they look like now. Compare and contrast to the pic from yesterday's blog post. The phrase, "Ruffles have ridges" comes to mind.

I just checked my can of soapy water again, and there are three fleas in it! I don't like to kill :(

but I don't like to use chemicals either. I'm going to try to get rid of them all by myself before bringing this to the attention of the landlord.


improperlyhuman: (Default)
My mom called me again. One of her brief check-in calls. I haven't had the energy to tell her to stop calling me up until now. So I told her. I said that I was not comfortable talking to her. She asked if she'd done anything wrong, and I said "not recently." I did not, however, say what she'd done. But she apologized and said that she never wanted to hurt any of her kids.

I don't know what's the use of an apology from someone who doesn't even know what the grievance is. Before I could ask her what the hell she was apologizing for, she simply said that she would stop calling. Then she said that she wouldn't really stop calling because she'd still make brief calls to give me news about my sister and nephew (with whom she is living). By that time (a matter of seconds), I had forgotten what I'd wanted to say about the apology. Auditory processing deficit at work.

I know that I should attempt to actually have a discussion with her about her horrible parenting for closure and repairing what little relationship we have left, but it's a painful thing to talk about, and a small part of me is afraid that she won't really understand or listen, and that she doesn't give a shit anymore because she's tired of my distant behavior.

An even smaller part of me wonders what the point is. I'm almost thirty-six and she's...I dunno, a zillion years old, and this is an old issue that can never be fixed. Dysfunctional childhoods can never be fixed. Oh well. Maybe I will speak up next time.

I walked around town a bit today and finally got to see the gorgeous view. I also had the presence of mind to work on not feeling anxious. And I finally got the bedroom window closed! Hallelujah.

Split pea stew for lunch today. I also tried some vegan jerky. It was a bit tough to chew. I don't have a teapot yet, and the stew is taking up my only pot, so I made tea by setting a mug full of water directly on the range. I used my glove as a pot holder and with the hot mug accidentally melted a small hole through the base of the pinky.

Dinner 1.

Nov. 21st, 2016 09:10 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I happen to live right across the street from the library, so here I am online.

I was dreaming about something, then I woke myself up at around 4:20 by knocking my ear defenders off my bunk bed. I'd planned to rise at 5 AM, so I showered and began preparing my things for transportation.

I was a bit surprised (and dismayed) to see that some of the other shelter clients were awake, but no one really said anything to me except another vet. She said, "good luck." Someone else asked me where I was going, I said "vacation," and that was that. I'd wanted to leave my case manager a note, but I was eager to get the hell out before someone started in on the good-byes.

I once again nearly killed myself hauling all my stuff around, through dark streets, on and off public transit, but I made it. When I left the shelter, I had everything loaded on the bike as best I could, but I later had to force everything into just four bags because of the transportation company's baggage limit. That totally put the weight off-kilter; I was exhausted and sweating and fighting to keep the bike from tipping over.

After picking up the keys and moving my things in, I showered and went to get food. It was around 1:30 PM, and I hadn't eaten since a quarter after 6 AM.

The local grocery store is weird. They have random organic dry goods ( including specialty items that I would normally only find in a co-op), but no organic produce except russet potatoes. The store was cramped and crowded. The teller welcomed me to town.

Our main street is almost like something out of a story book. It really looks like the romantic portraits of small town main streets shown and described in art and classic literature. However, the highway goes straight through town. Lots of big trucks were going by. I don't like that.

I opened the bedroom window and can't figure out how to close it, so tonight will be a bit chilly. I stuck my jacket and a hoodie in there to block some of the cold. I have to sit in the living room to access the wi-fi, and I could hear my neighbor's conversation from here. I don't like that either, especially since I'm planning to have my home office here in the living room. The neighbor has a dog (that was yipping when I moved in), but the dog is elderly and may therefore kick the bucket soon.

I swore I saw two or three barbershops in town today. How a town this small supports that many barbers, I don't know. This town seems to have a more unique flavor than my last. Lots of small businesses. No Wal-Mart.

I can't intersperse the pictures with text, so here's all the text, followed by all the pictures.

Last night's homeless dinner (my last!) was kung pao tofu on whole wheat lavash with salt and black pepper kettle chips and bulk salad greens. A gluten-free, fruit-juice sweetened peanut butter cookie was dessert.

Now all my adoring fans get to see how I normally eat. Tonight's dinner was (or is, if i decide to go back for more) homemade pizza! Mushrooms, yellow onions, tomato, and green bell pepper atop tomato basil pasta sauce on my leftover lavash.

Now that I'm out of town and out of dodge, I can give some of the big city's flavor. I did love the miles and miles of bike lanes in the city, but I'm glad to be away from the roar of traffic and the constant danger from motorists.

So now I'm ready to start taking my life off hold. I'm looking forward to it! (But I have no one with whom to share the news about my new place. So here I am sharing it with no one and everyone.) I want to join band again, read Yorugu, enroll in one of the copyediting programs, lose the fat I gained, and find a vegan girlfriend. I also want to extend the number of miles I can cycle in one day (my legs are more muscular and better-looking than they were when I was lifting!), but I'm trying to not have my heart set on that. I'll have to scout out the town and the surrounding area. I'll still be able to ride my spinning bike, it just won't be as exhilarating.

And just because the picture is so gorgeous, here's my last meal (dinner) in Davis. I had pizza and scored the second-to-last vegan donut! (a crumb donut). Speaking of Davis, a wonderful thing has happened! UC Santa Cruz has decided to make alumni association membership free! As a member of the alumni association, I can check out books from UCD for free (instead of paying the $100 yearly fee).




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