improperlyhuman: (Default)
now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed

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All that Vit D3 I downed last night seemed to have no effect, so I went out for another Red Bull. All this caffeine I'm buying is costing me a fortune.

I thought maybe it's all the B vitamins in the Red Bull that make me feel so much better but the Clif Bars contain no more than 10% RDA of each B vitamin and my food diary shows that I'm getting 80%–100% RDA of B vitamins not including the portion from the Red Bull and Clif Bars.

Being able to concentrate on reading feels soooo goodI finished reading Jung's Psychological Types this afternoon. I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it. I bet Jung was an Intuitive. Either the translator did a shitty job or the writing was Intuitive-opaque.

Deadlifted 160 this evening!


May. 15th, 2017 06:10 am
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Ever since I fixed my deadlift form, magic has been happening. The fix was going back to basics, the way I'd been lifting before, rather than trying to incorporate a bunch of new stuff I'd gotten from Youtube and Starting Strength.

Deadlifted 150 this evening. I feel so strong. I probably could have lifted more, but I decided to take it easy, especially since I'm still feeling tired. My heaviest deadlift ever, yet I had to dial back the squats to 100 because of fatigue.

I need to get out of the apartment and into the mix of life, but there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. I considered volunteering with the city, but I need references. References to volunteer! Ridiculous. I don't want to work directly with people, so literacy tutor is out. There probably aren't many literacy tutees in town anyhow. Anyways I can't do much of anything until I feel better.
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Damn MK is hella violent. But D'Vorah is kewl. And I really really like the name Quan Chi. Maybe I will change my name to Quan Chi. My real name is kinda gay.

But I'm like, why do the characters with Asian names look white or mixed at best?

And the fighting is so damned unrealistic. Fisticuffs against guns. Characters jumping back up to fight after their spines have been broken and their skulls partially crushed lol.

I got my deadlift groove back! 140 lbs this evening, no back pain/weakness but it was a helluva stress on my back. My deadlift gainz have been lagging for so long that squat gainz are catching up. 125 lb. squat today baby.

I feel like I'm loosing fat, but it's coming along sooooo slowly. At this rate, I may not be where I want to be for another 6 months or more.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Still no fatigue. Guess I'm cured.

Well. Except for that delicious muscle fatigue that comes from a kickass workout. I deadlifted 140 yesterday; 20 lbs. more than I weigh. 145 tomorrow. I'm looking forward to workouts so much more than I was before I fixed my squat form.

I'm going to get individualized employment services from voc rehab again. I'm worried that won't help me find a job.

I decided to do all my sitting on the floor instead of in my lawn chair. I'm concerned about the long-term effect chair-sitting would have on my mobility (including flexibility). Having to get up from the floor X times per day is more work than getting out of a chair. I ain't gon be no weak, saggy, fragile, low-bone density elderly person, no ma'am.

I'm noticing that I tend to procrastinate. Instead of doing what needs to be done, I fire up atris for one more game or load up a website to read a bit more. I don't want to read my emails when they arrive, even when I'm not too busy. I was almost dreading checking my bank account balance today.

Gonna try leaving the music on until I begin to nod off so I don't have to be stuck with my own thoughts while I wait to fall asleep.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I haven't had fatigue in about 3 days now. I feel great.

I found out that I've been doing Stronglifts incorrectly. I've been plateauing/failing reps, and I'm supposed to switch to 3 sets of 5 instead of 5 sets of 5 when that happens. So I did that for Bench Press and Barbell Row today. Squat I can still do 5x5. I increased squat weight by 10 lbs. today, instead of by 5 lbs. next week, as I'd planned.

Another aspect of the program I didn't know about is the frequency of weight increase. One is supposed to add 5 lbs. every workout instead of every week, like I've been trying to do. Of course, there's no way I can progress that quickly at this point, nor have I been able to progress that quickly for a looong time. So I guess I'll be doing the intermediate level of the program (3x5, 3x4, and 3x1) sooner than larger people/men would.

To hell with this diet. Eating so little is messing with my gains too much. Or maybe I'm just not getting enough protein. I will be tweaking my diet once again next month. I decided yesterday to take calories down from the 1250-1450 I've been eating these past three months to 1050, which is what I ate the last time I lost weight. But, as I was failing a row rep this evening, it occurred to me that at least part of the reason for my lack of progress is insufficient calories. And I was so excited to increase weight again, that I think now I'd rather be strong and pudgy (for a while) rather than weak and lean. And I'm tired already of eating so little. I'm not having terrible hunger pangs, it's just annoying. So I'm having another meal tonight! I can loose weight slowly with a more moderate caloric deficit and heavier weight training. More weight on the bar, that's what I love to see.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My back feels much better.

I deadlifted 135 lbs. today. Deadlift progress isn't coming so easily any more, and it is becoming more dangerous for my back. Time to revisit form.

I'm eager to see if I make more gainz on my high protein diet.

Tomorrow I will contact the agency that helps disabled people get telecommuting jobs. I sooo hope they have something for me. I have less than three hundred dollars to my name and no work in sight. Not only do I want to move away from here asap, I want to purchase a rowing machine because spinning is boring and I need more cardio.

This is gorgeous. I haven't looked at the price yet. I like to watch water sloshing around, so that'll make the machine that much more non-boring than the spinning bike. Too bad there is no cardio machine that comes with the equivalent of a top-load washer for me to watch.

Hmm maybe time for me to get some new icons.

improperlyhuman: (trumpet)
I finally dared to check my checking account balance yesterday. Not good. It was down to seven hundred dollars, and as of now is less than that because I had to buy some things for work and some 2.5 lb. weight plates.

I've spent days searching for weight plates that are made in the U.S. and not coated with or made of something that is toxic or potentially toxic. I finally got so overwhelmed today that I forgot which weights I had and had not decided on and bought from Amazon some Ader weights that I assume are safe (being covered in enamel), but probably not U.S.-made (I couldn't find any information about the country of origin). I am at least relieved to be done with that, but I would like some 1.25 lb. weights as well because benching gains are slow to come by.

Getting motivated to bother with people is difficult for me because my experiences have given me no reason to expect to get anything I want out of them.

I finally cut open the bag of buckwheat hulls. I dumped about a third into my pillow case and tied it off. Slept quite well last night, better than I did when I was sleeping on a noisy plastic bag full of hulls.

My skin is looking better. I hope to improve it even more with some special oil I bought (the name of which I cannot remember) that supposedly helps to fad hyperpigmentation.

I used to feel conflicted about treating my hyperpigmentation because of a not-very-explicit sense that any potential love interest who was right for me should care more about my personality than a non-serious skin condition (I've never cared what people in general think of my skin). There were also thoughts of not changing myself for others mixed in there as well.

For a while I flirted with the perspective of treating my skin as a sort of act of caring for a future partner (rather than selling myself out somehow). I had to let that percolate in my semi-conscious mind; it didn't fit in too well in my conscious mind. I guess it has been integrated (along with the idea of not over-thinking everything) because I now have no problem working to improve my skin in the hope that it will help me in the sex&romance department.

I'm also working on it for myself to some extent because having scaly, bleeding skin does not seem healthy and does not feel good. It also motivates my tendency for skin-picking.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Several of the federal government's websites need the touch of a web designer. Navigation is awful; could not find my representative's voting record or a house resolution he sponsored. Exhausted myself and could not vote as confidently as I'd hoped.

Finally called VA advice nurse about my fatigue; was advised to make an appointment. Regret not having asked for a different doctor before this. I kind of hope the problem is something other than depression because I can't fix depression.

The advice nurse told me to try to avoid stressing out. lol. Am I stressed? I don't even know; I'm only half-conscious for large chunks of the day.

I'm supposed to hold the bar with a shoulder-width grip for deadlifts. Since the bar is made for larger people, my shoulder-width grip is too narrow to land my hands on the grippy texture at either end of the bar. I've been lifting the bar from the smooth middle portion. Now that I'm deadlifting 115 lbs., that's starting to be a problem.

Those little romances I used to make up in my head? The only thing that got me to sleep for years? I can't really do them anymore. They just seem wrong. Romances, relationships, none of it means anything when there seems to be such a massive canyon between me and other people. It is like thinking about the behavior of another species; I don't really know what it is like for them, I'm just projecting my own mental experience on them like I've been wrongly, unconciously doing for my entire life. I guess it's not easy to explain. I'm tired.
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I had pain in my right thigh so I had to de-load for squats this evening. Sixty pounds on the bar felt like nothing.

I received an e-mail about volunteering as an online teaching assistant for one of my Coursera courses. Looks great on your resumé, the instructor said. Nice. Just like unpaid internships. Poor people can't afford that crap.

Latest editing job is shady as hell. I'm gonna pass it up. I ain't sending copies of my ID to a complete stranger in a foreign country. The office manager's English is bad, which is strange for an employee that interfaces with the public. Job probably pays poorly anyhow.

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