improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt great today and thought that my fatigue is finally going away! I cleaned the apartment a bit and did some laundry. Then I suddenly began to feel very tired this evening around 6 PM while preparing for my walk.

I went outside to see if I could still manage the walk, but I felt heavy, brain-foggy, like a zombie. I had a bit of Red Bull, maybe 1/4 of a can, but it did not seem to help. Eating made me feel a bit better (I'm amazed at the number of calories I seem to be burning nowadays, and I'd undereaten I guess), but not awake enough to go out.

I wonder if this month's decrease in protein has anything to do with my fatigue. Did my feeling good today have anything to do with this being my day off from cycling? I need answers, dammit!

I'm never going to find a vegan girlfriend. For one thing, I won't move to a more populous region. I resent so much my inability to safely go out late at night on my own when I'm in more populated areas that I can't bear to live there even for the many benefits.

It's those goddamned young men; they make the whole damned world unsafe. Ruining my life. At the most random moments I get hit with memories of being harassed and it kills my mood, I have to put together some on-the-spot coping tactic. It's so unreal, sometimes it just stops me in my tracks.

On top of that, I would have to think about it every time I wanted to leave the house late and felt afraid to do so. EVERY DAMNED TIME. The constant reminder may be even worse than the actual possibility of meeting one of them. Here I don't have to think about going out in the middle of the night, even down unlit alleyways if I want.

Which reminds me of some comment somethingsaudade whatshername made on a livejournal entry of mine that I think was about being harassed as well. I was angry but tried to reply civilly, and eventually I came to see that was actually repressing my anger. I've forgotten the details now; something about me feeling bad just because of the situation I had gone through last summer when I was homeless. As if that wasn't enough by itself!

No, it was the entry in which I said I didn't really care about the men for whom the Black Lives Matter movement was created. Haven't changed my mind on that one. There's a helluva lot more to my attitude towards men than being harassed or the stress of homelessness. Most of it comes from shit that hasn't even happened to me. I can see how men treat my sisters and the whole goddamned world while we're at it. That's why I became a radical feminist, in fact. Not my personal experiences.

And straight up telling me how I feel on a blog in which I've repeatedly complained about people guessing at how I think and feel. Goddammit.

Anyways. Yeah, I will probably have to choose (if I get any choice at all) between dating a non-vegan or staying single for a very long time if not forever. But I can't do either. I will just have to focus on something else to stay sane.

In the more immediate future, I'm going to have to get a doctor's note because I cannot work. Frustrating that I'll have to wait at least 4 or 5 weeks. Shit! Just remembered that I have to get my blood drawn again. If my blood work shows normal D3 levels and I'm still tired, dammit, that's chronic fatigue. That got me on record with this same problem a few years back, and I got the same thing from records in the clinic before that and in my college medical records too probably!

So I ordered my medical records from UCSC and saw some things the doctor never mentioned to me. No one had told me that I was obese, but there it was in my records. I hadn't known that I was obese. Is that the right verb tense? I should know this.

I didn't know how to eat right back then and could have benefited from some nutritional advice. They sent me to the nutritionist for hypoglycemia but not for obesity.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The Internet service provider missed my installation appointment again. It's as if I didn't even have an appointment scheduled. Ten minutes before the appointment window began, the person who took my order called to tell me that the Internet speed for which I'd signed up is unavailable. I got a call about this from someone else over a week ago! She gave me a third appointment. I insisted on speaking to a supervisor, but the supervisor didn't do much to assure me that I wouldn't be stood up a third time. She added my contact information to the order so that someone could call me if another problem arose. I couldn't think of anything simple/reasonable to ask for, and I was running out of energy, so I said ok and hung up.

I'd wasted half the day sitting here and waiting for the installation, but I managed to pull my frustrated self together and hefted the bike out into the cold to check out the route I'd found with MapQuest. I rode for miles on a surprisingly unsmooth, shoulderless road, looking for a left turn that wasn't there. I actually rode to the end of the paved portion of the road! So I turned around and tried going the other way, but the sidewalk soon ended, and there was no shoulder. Defeated, I turned back around and came home. I guess I really am trapped here. :(  And some creep slowed down beside me and asked me my name while I was riding.

To avoid pissing myself, I didn't drink sufficient water while I was out, and my head hurt a bit. My head hurts a bit now, actually; I haven't been drinking because of the cold. This heater is a joke. I have to be sitting right next to it to feel any warmth. It's at 83 degrees Fahrenheit right now, and I'm still not warm enough. 90 is the maximum temperature. I've set the heater to 90, but the temperature has stopped increasing. In fact, it decreased from 84 a while ago.

I couldn't sleep last night. I scratched my ankles so much and so hard that I dislodged the scabs from previous flea bites/scratching. I think I felt a few fleas inside my sleeping bag and liner, but I'm not sure if my skin was just irritated by the salt I'd put in the liner. I was supposed to wash my bedding today, but I had no energy after coming home from that bike ride. I sat down with the heater on my lap and dozed off. I feel similar to the way I felt when I was homeless outdoors: exhausted by the cold.

Unlike the vast majority of apartments, my place doesn't include trash in the rent, so I have to figure out what to do with my trash. The landlord said my neighbor would show me, but she didn't, of course. I haven't got it in me to go ask her, but I can work up whatever it is I need to call the local waste organization, although I can't remember what that sort of place is called.

I am quite unhappy. The cold, grey weather is probably worsening my mood. The unhappiness sucking the energy out of me makes completing my errands that much more difficult. I'm wondering if I'm in good enough shape to even attempt that professional certificate program.

I went through my professional email account this evening. The account is no longer overflowing with hundreds of unread emails! I'm down to just 49.

I had something interesting to post...I never did like mixing posts about my trials and tribulations with more general topics like politics. When I first started keeping a journal, I refused to write about my personal life—then my personal life became too troubled (and too lacking in outlets, perhaps) for me to avoid the temptation of posting about it. Maybe I should split this into two blogs.

I need to go force myself to eat something. I wonder if I can cook up some sort of rice crispie treat-like thing with puffed rice, applesauce, and peanut butter.

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