improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-09-24 11:51 am

What Just Happened

My mom just called me. She made a bunch of apologies for a bunch of stuff, but apologies don't really mean anything to me so most of it kind of went in one ear and out the other. That's a curious way to put it since a large chunk of everything people say to me goes in one ear and out the other...

Anyways, she said she wanted to be back in my life. And I said ok. So she's going to be calling me.

I'm not sure what prompted this. She did say that she's been wanting it for some time, but she also thanked me for taking in my sister, and I wonder if helping my sister made her decide to call.

So this is what's happening with me in the moment: 

I was kind of at a loss to say anything and expect to be so in the future. A long time ago, I subconsciously decided to minimize what I say in conversations with my mom to avoid encouraging interaction, being misunderstood, being pissed off, and getting the tiniest bit attached to talking to her.

This is one of the ways in which I have curbed my spontaneity to live up to my idealized image. I now know that curbed spontaneity has ramifications beyond what I imagined. It's a way to very gradually begin self-destructing from the inside out.

I worried that this would be awkward.

Though it was not difficult, I had to fight off my instinct to withdraw. I hesitated before I consented to increased contact. After I got off the phone, I began to worry about getting too attached. Too attached to my own mother! Wow.

So I've had a headache on and off for like the past three days. My metabolism seemed to suddenly rev up around the same time, so I thought the headache was caused by undereating and/or not eating soon enough. But I ate a ton over the last couple of days, and that barely helped at all. I wonder if the noise/stress is the cause.

I can only wonder. I've hardly ever been able to actually sense noise causing me headaches, even though I'm now sure that noise has so often been the culprit.

My insomnia has rapidly worsened. The fam leaves in about six days. I got a new contract yesterday evening and need to hold myself together.

A couple of days ago, I suddenly had a taste/idea for a double carb dish: potatoes and rice. It's been very satisfying. I think it would be better would white rice, however, but I don't have any and perhaps shouldn't dare eat any. I don't want to repeat that elevated blood sugar episode I 
had with the sushi rice...last year, was it?

I'm gonna go make some right now.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-09-08 10:28 pm
Entry tags:

Ending The Day with A Headache

I guess I underate today. Or maybe I over-exerted myself. I did a lot of chores plus fasted cardio this morning.

Stupid weak body. I was supposed to lift this evening. Why don't I have more energy? I bet I convert calories inefficiently.

I overspent on groceries and ended up with only twenty-five dollars left over for produce. Terrible.

So now I gotta go sleep off this headache.

Things have become a little easier for me. When I look at my neurotic solutions, I'm not cringing quite so hard. I guess I am developing "compassion" for myself. But I'm still scared that I'm gonna act like an ass and ruin something with somebody. I have a bad habit of making fun of sentimental things. I'm not comfortable with sentimental things. I guess I have to learn to be.

I keep developing scabs on my aureolae. If I peel the scabs, they will have grown back enough to peel some more by the next day. There are no wounds on my breasts, so I don't understand why the skin is scabbing over. I have awful skin. I missed OCM for a few days and now I have new wounds on my face. Lovely.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-08-18 09:17 pm
Entry tags:

What I like to do with people

I like to see eye-to-eye.

I like physical intimacy.

That's about it.

Eating foods I like makes dieting easy. Yesterday I pioneered a little brushetta pizza of only 200 or so calories, yet it is satisfying because I love pizza.

The neighbors were playing loud music this evening. I decided to try to deal with it instead of going to complain or just fuming here in the apartment.

I got a new bag of buckwheat hulls yesterday and re-filled my pillowcase today. I'm hoping to sleep better.

I found another apartment in my last town so here I go again on the rollercoaster of hope. Sooooo many apartments available in the cities, yet I can envision myself depressed, overstimulated, and afraid to walk alone late at night if I give up and move there.

I stopped drinking oceans of water and bedtime (without the thirst headaches I'd feared), so now I sleep through the night much more easily.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
2017-08-11 11:16 pm

Moving Away From People

I asked her out twice. She finally responded to me yesterday but did not answer, so I asked her more directly. The logistics many not even work out. I have no affordable way out of town on weekends and she just got a new full-time job. Still, I hope she says yes because I likely won't find another person like her. We've only exchanged a few messages, yet the mere thought of going through this with another person makes me tired.

On craigslist I found a couple of nice cottages for rent out in the country, but my housing coordinator doesn't work on Fridays. I left a voicemail asking her to call for me. Someone with a car, more money, and no aversion to phone calls may have beat me to these places by Monday. Oh, one ad did include an email address, so I emailed the contact person. I hate having to ask people whether they will accept Section 8.

I have been indulging my desire for psychology books. Right now I'm reading Our Inner Conflicts by Karen Horney, M.D. (what the hell is a medical doctor doing practicing psychoanalysis?)  It is about "neuroses," and three early chapters describe the three components—moving towards people, moving against people, and moving away from people. Guess which one describes our heroine. Moving away from people is amazingly similar to Enneagram type 5 dynamics.

Of course, my mental life is not messed up enough to qualify as a "neurosis." The neurotic is supposedly willfully blind to the mechanics of her neurosis and will fight tooth and nail to remain so, all for the purpose of maintaining her way of life and avoiding being split in two by her conflicting drives. This awful feeling of social ambivalence I have, I think this must be what the splitting feels like—moving both toward and away from people. I'm reading a lot of these books to figure out what to do about it.

Interesting that typology and psychoanalysis have been more helpful to me than mainstream psychology. Type 5 and Horney's neurotic trend are so spot on, it's almost scary. The INTP personality type is pretty accurate as well. This might be because they describe traits that can exist in a mentally healthy person—a spectrum of functioning—rather than straight up dysfunction.

Today I did laundry in the bathtub and made a trip to the hardware and grocery stores. I was going to start walking again this evening, but I decided I'd better first see whether those chores/errands make me tired tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to bed!

I'm still jerking myself awake with intrusive thoughts. This is what I need to work on next.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-08-06 11:09 pm
Entry tags:

Disappointed and A Little Confused

My OkC match has stopped responding to me, so I guess that's the end of that. I tried to look for another match (for chat/friendship) but I didn't really have the energy. My results page is just a sea of faces to me.

I don't quite know what to do. Apparently it's best to have some sort of social contact, but no dates are forthcoming and I'm ambivalent, unmotivated, and unlikely to succeed in the friendship department. I just thought of something. People say just go out and pursue interests/hobbies and you'll find friends. I never really made friends that way, just one person I met at a gay and lesbian group in community college. I never found a reason to approach anyone. How do people decide whom to approach?

Anyways, I decided that's a poor strategy for me because shared interests are not very important to me. It's shared politics that are important. So the analog of that advice would be involving myself in politically related activities. Not activism proper; I haven't the energy at this point.

I don't feel comfortable dragging someone into a friendship that I don't particularly want. I imagine the friendship being shallow, more like an acquaintanceship. A shallow relationship doesn't seem like the best thing for someone who has no relationships. But if I don't get a date, I'd have no deep relationship regardless of whether I also got a shallow friendship, so I guess it doesn't matter. Probably I worry too much. Other people are probably used to and ok with a not-very-close friendship.

But I'd have to deal with more shuffling through incompatible people and possible rejection for that acquaintanceship. Hardly seems worth it! Seems like I've spent my entire life around incompatible people. How demoralizing to have to endure more to get to the compatible people (assuming there are some). I was thinking about the strategy of going out and collecting rejections until rejections aren't a big deal any more.

That actually seems like a bad idea for someone who has in some sense experienced nothing but rejection so far. It would just create more unpleasant and demotivating memories that would disincline the person to keep trying. I guess in my case it's not the rejection itself that's the problem, it's the lack of expectation of success.

I guess I'm gonna try anyways, though.

I've noticed that I talk out loud and make random physical gestures when I'm more or less relaxed. Definitely the kind of person people want to be friends with. The talking is sometimes related to my being caught up in frustrating thoughts, but the gestures seem to be happy movements.

My health seems to have worsened. I'm tired all day again, albeit not as tired as I was before I stopped exercising. A bit of brain fog has returned as well. The doctor told me to call him if I wasn't able to start walking without fatigue, and it looks like that's what I'll end up doing. I'm on the verge of trying the sleeping pills he suggested. I don't even know if insufficient or unrestful sleep is the problem. I sleep around 6 or 7 hours per night. He said that's sufficient and didn't account for my fatigue.

My life so shitty. What if my chronic fatigue is a manifestation of a psychological problem? There's no way to know except to change my psychological circumstances.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-08-01 10:57 pm
Entry tags:

Procrastination and GAD.

I spent the whole day procrastinating instead of working. I didn't want to look at the Word document because I felt I couldn't bear to see any comments from my client that could even remotely be interpreted as critical. I sat in front of the computer screen and put my hands over my eyes. I picked up the keyboard and put it back down again multiple times. I unfocused my eyes so that the comments were blurry then scanned the document, as if I could pre-detect critical comments and thereby avoid reading them.

Once I finally got down to work, I found that I only had twelve minutes worth of work to do. The client had not even addressed most of my comments. I'm glad I got it done. Going to bed without having taken care of that responsibility would have felt bad.

I keep posting on this typology forum despite the anxiety it gives me. People thank my comments and that sometimes makes me more anxious. So I can't use this as exposure therapy. My anxiety management plan is basically "do it anyways." That gets things done, but it doesn't get rid of the anxiety.

While sitting and staring at a notification about a response to one of my comments, trying to calm my fears that the respondent was angry with me, I typed up an anxiety mantra for myself. I said it out loud before I clicked on the comment, but of course it didn't work, lol. But I read it anyways and it was ok. But it almost seems that no number of positive experiences can drown out this anxiety, like it's no longer in my head and has migrated such that the entirety of it is in my body. That's where I feel it. My thoughts are clear and don't race, but this makes no difference: the tightness in my chest is still there.

I walked for an hour and a half yesterday, and I was a little tired today. I didn't take the doctor's advice about going easy on the walking. Now I will. I wonder what's wrong with me...

Tomorrow is grocery day. I didn't finish my shopping list. It's nice to have some leeway in the food I buy rather than having to plan every cent for a bodybuilding diet.

I messed around online until my wrist hurt.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-27 09:03 pm
Entry tags:

Yep. On My Own Medically

The rheumatologist told me that my Vitamin D level was normal, but that he wants me to continue taking the elevated dose, particularly if I am to try to start exercising again. He said that the combination of exercise and low Vitamin D is particularly apt to cause fatigue, and suggested that I start off slowly adding exercise, walking first.

My insurance won't cover a sleep study.

He also tried pushing that depression crap on me again. I'm confident that feeling significantly better after stopping exercise is not consistent with depression. I told him that I always feel bad when I have to travel far, and he tried to pin that on depression. Situational fatigue and migraines do not really suggest depression!

I was frustrated. I'm tired of doctors trying to diagnose my physical problems as mental illnesses. I "look depressed" because I'm freakin sick! I heard one of his bones crack and the sound gave me a tremor. He was looking dead at me when it happened but didn't see fit to remark on it. What the hell is up with that? I guess my tremors are also caused by a mental illness.

I took a cab back home so yay! didn't have to listen to that guy chatter for an hour on the way back into town. I told the cab driver to disregard his GPS directions and we ended up sitting in traffic for a while. I felt kinda bad about that. The GPS said to make a turn that would have been a large deviation, and I didn't know that these devices had real-time data on traffic conditions.

After my appointment today, I decided that going hiking is not a good idea given my medical condition. I hope my new OkC person and I can do something else.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-26 09:52 pm

I Got Them Housed!

I hope. For how long, I don't know. I called a shelter in the town I had my campsites in when I was homeless. They had space in the emergency family shelter, so I 
gave them my sister's name and let her know to show up. I don't know how it turned out and I'm afraid to text her and ask. 

She called me today and told me she couldn't open a checking account because she had no money and couldn't get a payday advance loan because she had no checking account! And a few other details that further solidified my impression that she's totally failing at homelessness. I was so frustrated, I could hardly concentrate on my work. I was doing a trial editing job for a new potential client. I still can't figure out how someone with so much income got so behind on a mere $75 monthly storage payment, and why she would then decide to pay it all off at once, leaving herself no gas money!

So I don't want to find out what happened because I don't want to return to that state of worry just before bedtime. She may have gone to bed already anyhow.

Ooooh! I finally got my housing coordinator's info and called her about the apartment I found on craigslist. Sooooo excited. She called the contact person for me but had to leave a message; however, she has contacts and said she would ask around the town to see if she could get any more information about the place and possibly drive by and take a look at it! Awesome. I used to think I wasted my time in the military, but it's turned out to be pretty much the most valuable thing I ever did. Vets get a lot of great services.

OMG. That person I've been talking to on OkC has sent me another message. I'm scared to read it. Procrastination with respect to anything that may cause an emotional reaction, that's me. That's Enneagram type 5. I just have to force myself to do things. Once I do, I sometimes wish I hadn't waited so long (especially when it comes to work).

Whew. Everything was fine. I'm super excited about meeting her. We've been talking about going hiking. Now that I'll have some transportation money, the main problem is my ability to physically handle hours on public transportation.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't want to go. I waited until the last minute and then didn't cancel because I kept thinking that maybe the doctor would be able to do something for me. Like that sleep study. Then at least my sleeping problems would be documented. But I kinda feel that I'm just clutching at straws. I know I'll have to fix this myself, and really, what good will documented insomnia do me? I don't expect the sleep study center to find that I have any other problem.

I went walking for about one and a quarter hours this evening. Surely I can do something as easy as walking without feeling exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

So I guess I'll need information on intrusive thoughts and maybe CBT or something for my insomnia.

I have like no appetite lately.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-21 10:52 pm
Entry tags:

Unhappy emotions :(

Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just be...me accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-13 10:30 pm
Entry tags:

It's That Time Again

Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-12 10:02 pm
Entry tags:

Hella Chill

The shrink still up to b.s. Today there was a wicked long silence after I spoke during our session, so I asked whether she had anything to say. She said she hadn't wanted to interrupt me, so I said that I'd finished. Then she had to nerve to tell me I that wasn't finished speaking! The hell?

Still looking for emotions that aren't there as well. I told her that I was angry, but she kept looking. I bet if I lied and told her what she expected to hear, she'd believe me.

I showed my frustration but was in general hella chill about all this. I've begun, however, to consider leaving therapy. She's not helping me. I'm actually being hindered by having to field all her crap before we can get down to the actual issues I bring up. I'm doing a great job of identifying my own problems, and I'm starting to see the way to solve them as well, particularly with the reading I've been doing.

She seems to persist in the belief that I see her to have someone to talk to, despite my telling her multiple times that that isn't the case. So she sits there silently, offering me no solutions.

I bought some natural sleeping pills. They definitely help me to fall asleep, but the problem of waking up too early persists. So, rather than trying to force myself into a sleeping schedule, I'm just gonna stay up as long as I want and see if the resulting exhaustion helps me to sleep long enough. I always feel great in the evenings and want to stay up forever to accomplish all the things I couldn't do during the day.

I went back and read some of Jung's Psychological Types. I found it much more understandable this time. That lack of brain fog makes a helluva difference. So I decided that INTP fits me best. Maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of what Jung wrote; INTP is, after all, a classification of Myers-Briggs, which is based on, but not identical to, Jung's typology. Eh whatevs.

I'm re-growing my duck tail, a bigger duck tail that will be a nice heavy braid (I hope). I cut off the little rat tail I had, which looked stupid because my hair back there was two different lengths.

I think I did something stupid in my mental haze the other day. I filled out a W-9 and gave the editing company my social security number. That wasn't safe. Well, at least my credit is already horrible, so they can't ruin it or get credit cards or whatever in my name. And maybe they are legit and just have shitty hiring practices. I guess I should call SSA. Shit. All this trouble because I'm having to work when I'm too ill to do so. Can't get unemployment and can't get SSDI. Trapped in the system.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-02 11:24 pm
Entry tags:

Post-Exertional Malaise

I felt good today, so I cleaned up a bit. Suddenly felt tired once I sat down :(

So today was another caffeine day. I had one Peanut Toffee Buzz Cliff bar and a Red Bull Zero instead of two bars to cut down on calories. I'm going to have to eat less now that I'm not exercising.

I can see now that I will have to go some time not lifting at all, maybe not exercising at all. I was hoping to simply cut down, but that's clearly not going to work if simply going through some piles of paper make me tired.

The caffeine somehow simultaneously gave me laser focus and nervous energy. I suppose I had a bit more than I needed. I was suddenly compelled to play a computer game for hours. I'd never been able to stick with a computer game for that long. Didn't get shit ready for tomorrow (grocery day) like I was supposed to.

My life is such a mess. 1.5 years housed, then my apartment burns down. A couple months out of the damned shelter, then I gnt sick and can't figure out why. I've been dealing with this fatigue for four and a half months now. I looked back in my journal to see if I'd changed anything in particular when it started. I first posted about it in mid-February. That's when I decided to increase my protein intake and started taking the hemp protein powder. Nothing really stands out.

So no lifting for one week. I've already freakin forgotten proper deadlifting technique. Shitty kinesthetic intelligence.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-07-01 01:20 pm

Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places

I'm trying to improve my sleep hygiene, but it seems that both the depth and duration of my sleep are worse than ever (or the same but previously unnoticed). I don't understand what is keeping me awake; I certainly have been feeling tired, and I haven't had much on my mind at bedtime.

Once again I feel more tired the second day after a weightlifting workout than the day after. At least I don't feel as tired as I have been feeling
; that tells me that pursuing light workouts is helpful. I really want some caffeine, but I'm concerned that it will disturb my sleep tonight. Anyways, I'm too tired to get up, shower, and get dressed, and, after having put off laundry for so long, I doubt that I have anything dry to wear anyhow.

I think it finally fully hit me today that everything social I've been doing or considering doing is but the means to an end that I can never reach. The most important thing in the world to me is social harmony, healthy societies. I won't ever be a part of one, so I'll basically need to spend the rest of my life being distracted from that need. How depressing. I've begun to wonder whether some of activities I do by myself are just ways to distract myself from this huge hole in my life. Reading romance novels, maybe.

I have shown evidence of this priority before. All the times I posted about ambivalence about looking for a girlfriend, I sub-consciously knew that I was trying to satisfy this broad social instinct with a one-on-one relationship.

I've sought small, cheap replacements for social satisfaction in online forums, but the online world merely reflects fleshspace in its social fragmentation and dysfunction. I found myself confused by the juxtaposition of the urge to participate and the frustration and disgust participation occasioned me. Today I figured out the disgust: Online forums don't necessarily operate as groups so much as they operate as information cannons that fire unwanted personal details at me. I read the threads for high-level ideas, not to hear about strangers marriages (yuck).

I never much cared for friends because the small group social environment, even moreso than the one-on-one relationship, is not nearly as important to me as the societal social environment. And groups of friends can't really replace a healthy society. I had the least interest in friends when I was younger, when I still had a (false) sense of social unity. I felt and feel drawn to anarchists, vegan, and feminists because those ideologies encompass the values I would like to see more or less reflected in society. I wouldn't care nearly as much if society weren't misogynistic, brutally violent, and opposed to freedom. Of course, those ideologies wouldn't exist if that were the case.

Friends, girlfriends, acquaintances, therapists, co-workers, activity partners, none of them can give me what I want the most. They aren't big enough to create a society in which people can live without fear of other society members. They can't provide freedom. They can't make sure everyone is treated fairly and properly integrated into the group and has enough to eat. They can't keep anyone from polluting the air, soil, and water. They can't make it safe to trust random people. The most they can be is an island in a hostile sea. That's not good enough for me. I feel entitled to more.

So that's it. I think something that's a bit of salt in the wound is the knowledge that some people actually expect society to improve. It won't, not significantly, not fundamentally.

I have said this before: switching my focus to smaller, more contained, more manageable aspects of my life (such as my "career") is a relief. That kind of stuff has a solution, more importantly, a solution I can manage more or less by myself. The sense of hopelessness about the global social situation comes from the knowledge that solving it requires so many people with so many differing and conflicting wants, needs, and perspectives to work together (this is part of the reason why I consider tribes the ideal human social structure). But improperlyhuman (and VoR) can improve my job situation. That's no big deal.

I wonder if the shrink will believe me if I tell her that this is my core problem. I fear that she won't. First we will have a conversation about her believing what I say about my motivations, and then I'll see if that seems to make her any more receptive.

All I can do is save up, move away, and donate my time to the causes. Horrible feeling of powerlessness.

I think all this became clear to me because I have thinking about the Social Instinct, the Instincts (social, sexual, and self-preservation) being a sort of typology often used in connection with the Enneagram to understand and describe personality.

Next time, I would like to post about perspectives I can take to make this less miserable, but I usually forget about such posting agendas I set for myself.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-26 11:11 pm
Entry tags:

I Had To

Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on cronometer.com, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-24 11:50 pm

dying of freakin boredom!

Don't think i'll be able to go a whole week without exercising. Maybe i'll try the bike tomorrow or just some walking. I wanted to do some chores today but forbore for fear of depleting myself.

Messaging people on OkC has become easier for me. I guess that's because I only message people I'm not really interested in. Those are the only people I come across. I guess anybody can send a quick greeting when there are no expectations.

I installed Qubes OS on my other partition because I got tired of fiddling with settings every single time I started up Tails OS. Qubes' security is based on applications running in separate VMs: something for which this laptop, with its measly 5 gigs of RAM, isn't well suited. I have to get used to seeing a list of VMs instead of application categories in the Applications menu.

The wind has been blowing wicked hard here for the past few days. The sound is rather pleasant.

I've come to see that I can stop freaking out about things so much by...just not focusing on them. The thought goes through my mind, and I don't follow up; I just let it go. Sometimes letting it go gives me the peace of mind to come back and consider it serenely (rather than anxiously).

Goodnight, John Boy :)
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
2017-06-23 11:18 pm

Time to Rest

I feel quite good today. I'm giving myself time to rest rather than jumping back into my exercise routine or chores as soon as I start to feel better. Perhaps I will take another week off. I have stopped drinking caffeine; I suspect it's responsible for my water retention (and misshapen ankles). I still have most of my same old problems today, but I feel at peace because I'm so relieved to not have brain fog.

I revised the single punctuation error I committed on my editing test and was accepted as a contractor. The pay rates are low (and more abysmal with increasing word count), but I can mitigate against that somewhat by completing rush jobs only. I am trying to keep in mind that I only need to save up a bit to move away; then I can pursue traditional employment (I hope).

I'm kind of dying for something to read here. I don't feel like going through my volumes on classic sci-fi or old school lesbian/"variant" lit to  choose my next novel. I want to read Gifts Differing to understand the Myers-Briggs typology better, but the shitty library doesn't own a copy and I can't really afford the four dollars an ebay copy will cost me. Hell, maybe I'll just buy it anyways. I always blow a few dollars here and there when I'm crazy broke and things always work out in the end anyways.

The local book store will be closed for another two weeks. I have Treasure Island and a couple of volumes of gothic fiction. I have (what I think is) the latest of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, but I've grown rather tired of Lestat, all the vampiric drama, and the huge cast of characters.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
2017-06-22 07:42 pm
Entry tags:

aint this some bullshit

I was so happy that I was the only passenger on the little shuttle out of town today. Gloriously quiet ride. I tried to get some snacks at the dollar store next to the transportation center before my connecting bus arrived because it was time to eat, but the store literally never has more than two cashiers working and literally always has a bunch of people with baskets full of shit in line, so I had to leave to avoid missing my bus.

I waited forever for the doctor again. He said that my swelling feet and ankles are caused by water retention (!). The results of my vitamin d3 test weren't available (it's been three weeks since I had blood drawn for that!). He said that I didn't look my "normal" happy self. This was the second time he'd ever seen me.

He said that I have two options: a sleep study or medication. Well the sleep study isn't going to help because I can't sleep in strange places. He said that he would try to wrangle it so that I could get a home sleep study. But in the meantime, medication. First he said the medication was for nerve problems or something, so I didn't understand what he was offering.

Then when I started complaining about side-effects, he told me that he was prescribing an SSRI! A goddamned anti-depressant! I kind of lost it a little bit. I told him this was crazy because I'm not depressed. But what else can I do? I can't live my life tired all the time. So I just said ok. I was despondent after I left. I couldn't decide whether I'd take the medication or not.

But I thought of something on my way home (which included missing the bus): I feel a little better now that I'm not exercising. As much as I want to exercise, I'm probably better off toning it down than taking Celexa for a month.

So I took the later bus back to where the shuttle picks up and tried to get some cereal from the dollar store next to the transportation center because I have leftover almond milk from the last time I gave in to buying my beloved Nutty Nuggets and I'm sick of eating the food I have and too tired to cook.

Once again, only two cashiers were available and the people in line ahead of me were unloading a bomb shelter's worth of food. so I put my two boxes of rice crispies on top of the soda machine, got out of line, and left, just as I'd put my back brush, pistachios, and pretzels on top of the soda machine and left four hours earlier.

ha! that motormouth guy who rides the shuttle back into town Thursday evenings didn't show up today despite the driver's waiting nearly a quarter of an hour extra for him. thank goodness! shit, my next appointment is also on a thursday. the rheumatologist only comes on thursdays. and it turned out that I would have had enough time to buy those two boxes of cereal, dammit.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-21 11:29 pm

Waiting for my millet stew...

now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed

improperlyhuman: (Default)
2017-06-19 10:41 pm
Entry tags:

The Symptom

I became angry this evening while I was sitting next to the highway outside the laundromat and waiting for my laundry to dry. It was a surprisingly oblique anger, something I cannot remember ever having experienced before, something I struggled to recognize as anger. I suppose that is because anger wasn't the primary emotion. The primary emotion seemed to be a kind of confused, scattered anxiety.

There was something mildly ominous about the way the thoughts snuck up, as through cracks in my mind, forming and playing out, seemingly without my control. Yet they were so similar in content to my by now typical anxious thoughts about what people think of me. It was as if part of me (the body, perhaps) was relaxed while another part (the mind?) seemed to gradually succumb to these bitter fantasies of others' thoughts and the attendant worries. But perhaps the succumbing was not so gradual, but only gradual entered my consciousness.

And then, as I sat wondering at these destructive and random ruminations, and perhaps still partially "asleep" in my relaxation, something began to seep upwards though the holes that had been created by the anxiety-provoking scenarios: the incoherent, foreign-seeming anger.

I wondered that I should be angry about things that had very likely never happened, thoughts people likely had not entertained. But those things were not what angered me. The anxiety angered me. The stress, the wondering, the worrying, the insecurity. The lack of a comfortable groove to fit into, the feeling distanced from everyone.

It's madness. I scarcely know these people. These awful thoughts come to me unbidden. The really absurd thing is that I don't, in a sense, much care about what they think. I drop down into sub-conscious worry out of a sub-conscious need to cover all the bases, to keep myself ahead of the game, in a favorable position. Something that's not always possible.

Just a thought, right? I needn't dwell on it. It's just that I'm usually more or less conscious of descending into anxious thoughts and feel that I am directing them, however unwillingly. But not this time. Strange. I was comfortable and in a content and thoughtful mood...then irritated. In between, a blurry transition that I didn't quite get a look at.

I'm listening to some Tony Bennett/Bill Evans recordings as I type this. Why do I say that; scarcely anyone knows who they are. I hate it when people name their favorite artists in their profiles (especially when the list of artists is long). I think to myself, don't you realize that there are a million different music artists, and a ton of people will not recognize anyone on your list?

Anyways, the recordings made me sad when I first put the music on. I've wanted to be a pianist my whole life. I asked my dad for piano lessons when I was young, surely no more than 8 or 9. Of course I never got the lessons. I remember strategically not asking for other things, vainly hoping that someone would notice and decide to apply the saved money to piano lessons. I wonder if any of them ever noticed when I was a "good kid."

Oh, yes. The symptom. Another of the symptoms the rheumatologist warned me about. I'd noticed it before but paid it little attention. Swollen joints. My ankles and my feet look swollen. I can't think of what may have caused them to swell. On one or two occasions, I've felt a strange, sharp, burning pain in my ankles. Last night, my right ankle fell asleep despite my not having it in a position favorable to falling asleep. I was simply sitting in this chair.

The swelling is subtle and unaccompanied by other physical symptoms; I struggled to feel confident that I was actually seeing swelling. Well, I took pictures on Obamaphone 2, so the doctor can decide.

I sat outside the laundromat for a while, and, staring at the cobbled pavement, visualized what would happen if I had lupus, got sicker, began to deteriorate on my way to dying. Such morbid shit is not uncommon with me.

I came across another good editing project based on Google Docs. So I finally got a Google account today. I signed up in the library. I had planned out a way to get around the phone verification, but I didn't need the plan. Though it did not work before, I signed up as a teenager and, as the online tip promised, was not asked to verify my account. I think a Google account that I created at the library's IP address, without my real name, age, country, or other identifying information attached, that I intend to use only through Tor, is a sufficiently safe setup.

Look at all this trifling bullshit I'm going on about. I'm in a strange mood this evening, I suppose.

Summer is here and it is a horror. The heat never lets up inside the apartment. I can't afford to run the air conditioning for very long, and it is during the day so hot outside that opening windows makes the apartment hotter if anything. That would all be endurable if only I could freely open the windows at night. But with nightfall a wild and alarming variety of insects show up at the windows. Unlike the increasingly common spiders, the small specimens cannot coexist peacefully, for they cease their mad whirling about the light fixtures as soon as I turn the lights off and begin to hop on and off my legs, preventing sleep.

The day before yesterday, I entertained my second large specimen, a creature I at first mistook for another unholy-sized cockroach. I was using the bathroom when she crawled in, huge and copper and attention-grabbing. My sounds of frustration morphed into sounds of disgust and horror as I saw her suddenly take flight just inside the bathroom door as she came towards me.

In the next hour or so I spent trying to catch her unharmed (her speed was not so hideously great as the giant cockroach's had been), I decided that she was some sort of beetle. Lacking the long, monstrously waving cockroach antennae, she was not so unpleasant to behold, and I noticed the richness of her copper color.

My diet is proceeding thus: I have (or rather, my metabolism has) reached the point at which I simply won't be bothered to eat so much, yet what I do eat seems, by the hunger pangs, insufficient.
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
2017-06-15 10:59 pm
Entry tags:

Road Trips. They're Important.

I've got it. It's lifting weight on insufficient sleep. That's what is sucking the life out of me.

I'm going to turn hetero so I can date Jason Mewes. Like omg. These lesbians, I can't. Won't date womyn who don't have a career because she wants someone who can afford to go on road trips. Road trips.

And what is it with class-privileged, white-privileged people and traveling all over the world? Stay your ass home.