improperlyhuman: (Default)
My rep at the housing authority first said that the (prohibitively expensive to operate) space heaters the landlord gave me were considered similar to the wall unit (and so the landlord isn't obliged to fix/replace the broken wall unit).

Today she comes back and says that they're actually not similar, she's spoken to the landlord, and he says he'll do something about the busted heater. Whew! Ok, he said that before.

A mobile dental unit comes to town every week. I went there this morning and got a check-up. No cavities this time, yay! Tooth discoloration is only slight. The dentist confirmed that my gums are slightly receding, so I have to ease up on the way I brush (I already use soft brushes).

Then he told me that my bite is messed up: there's no space between my uppers and lowers when I bite down and a slight overbite is apparently normal. He suggested braces. LOL! Obamacare doesn't cover that and there's no way I'll ever come up with the money.

This place is weird: I swear spring was hotter than summer, and it's already getting cool with another month of summer left. The last month of summer is usually the hottest.

I've got two personal blogs now so I'm losing track of what psychology stuff I'm posting in each. A few days ago, I finished reading Our Inner Conflicts: A Constructive Theory of Neurosis. Though recognizing all the traits in myself has taken a few days, this book  has been hugely helpful. Never have I read any psych theory with which I can identify so well.

Now that I know my problem is conflicting drives (I kinda knew that before but didn't see it clearly), I just have to figure out how to resolve the conflict. I can neither isolate myself (cuz that's dissatisfying and will make me a nutcase) nor plunge blindly into socializing (due to hypersensitivity and the basic fact that not everyone or every situation will suit me); I have to find some sort of balance between the two. Before I resolve the conflict, I must first do something about the hypersensitivity. And that's gonna be a tough nut to crack.

Horney says that hypersensitivity is a symptom of hopelessness, and this I can relate to very well. Not being completely bereft of hope, but hopeless about things pertaining to the conflict—social life. Thinking of the hypersensitivity in terms of emptiness, however, seems more useful to me (and emptiness is a concept that is explored in the schizoid literature, so I might finally get some use out of that work). When people have a solid base of social support, small social upsets don't ruin their day and plunge them into rumination. I've never had such support, however, so I'm empty in that sense. Getting rid of the hypersensitivity will therefore be a challenge. What will I fill myself up with?

Shit, it's midnight already.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Pulling my hair out over my lack of housing options and my life in general being on hold. I can't meet my OkC match, there's nothing to do in this town, and I'm still working back up to exercising. My first course doesn't start for another month. At least I found out that transferring to Santa Cruz county probably won't be as difficult as I thought it'd be.

I've been worried that I'll forget proper lifting form, so today I did half of my weightlifting warm-up to help me retain muscle memory. DAMN it felt good. As usual, I need to observe how I feel tomorrow and the next day to decide whether this is sustainable. I expect to feel fine. I know I'm getting better because I hardly slept at all last night, yet I felt fine today. :) I went outside just before my evening walk and suddenly felt like running.

This pause in my fitness routine has a bright side: I'm no longer so attached to lifting. I was like so addicted to it that I couldn't stop despite the fact that my body composition was not going in the right direction. I wanted (and want) to slim down, and, as a mesomorph, I need to focus on endurance cardio more than heavy lifting. That's another reason why I need to get the hell away from this town: so I can resume cycling. I haven't figured out how much lifting I'll do.

Those menstrual cramps got worse :( I couldn't sleep last night. 

I'm soooooo damned booorrrrrred at times.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm sleeping much better these days, and the crushing fatigue is gone, although I have wanted a short nap a couple afternoons. I've stopped making breakfast at night so that I can relax a bit more before I go to sleep. Putting breakfast together in the morning and waiting a half hour or so while it sits in the fridge works just fine.

I can't figure out whether I'm an INTP or an INTJ. I was so excited to finally receive my copy of Gifts Differing yesterday, but the descriptions of the cognitive functions are unclear. I cannot tell the difference between Ne/Ni and Te/Ti.

I'm disappointed. If the goddamned creator of this theory has not described it clearly, I have no hope that anyone else really understands it. I could just give up on self-typing. The point of typing myself is to decide which self-growth material I should read; I could read stuff for both INTPs and INTJs.

My therapy session went quite well this week. I told the shrink my concern about not being listened to, and she seemed to take it to heart. And why wouldn't she?

I burn up in the afternoons because I can't afford to run the air conditioner much, and it only cools the living room when I do run it.

I'm still having problems with boredom. Still waiting for a response from my voc rehab counselor about getting legal fees covered. Still hardly getting any work, still not saving up to move away. I have to face the unpleasant but very likely probability that I will be here for another winter, so I have to get after the landlord to put in a heater.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I became angry this evening while I was sitting next to the highway outside the laundromat and waiting for my laundry to dry. It was a surprisingly oblique anger, something I cannot remember ever having experienced before, something I struggled to recognize as anger. I suppose that is because anger wasn't the primary emotion. The primary emotion seemed to be a kind of confused, scattered anxiety.

There was something mildly ominous about the way the thoughts snuck up, as through cracks in my mind, forming and playing out, seemingly without my control. Yet they were so similar in content to my by now typical anxious thoughts about what people think of me. It was as if part of me (the body, perhaps) was relaxed while another part (the mind?) seemed to gradually succumb to these bitter fantasies of others' thoughts and the attendant worries. But perhaps the succumbing was not so gradual, but only gradual entered my consciousness.

And then, as I sat wondering at these destructive and random ruminations, and perhaps still partially "asleep" in my relaxation, something began to seep upwards though the holes that had been created by the anxiety-provoking scenarios: the incoherent, foreign-seeming anger.

I wondered that I should be angry about things that had very likely never happened, thoughts people likely had not entertained. But those things were not what angered me. The anxiety angered me. The stress, the wondering, the worrying, the insecurity. The lack of a comfortable groove to fit into, the feeling distanced from everyone.

It's madness. I scarcely know these people. These awful thoughts come to me unbidden. The really absurd thing is that I don't, in a sense, much care about what they think. I drop down into sub-conscious worry out of a sub-conscious need to cover all the bases, to keep myself ahead of the game, in a favorable position. Something that's not always possible.

Just a thought, right? I needn't dwell on it. It's just that I'm usually more or less conscious of descending into anxious thoughts and feel that I am directing them, however unwillingly. But not this time. Strange. I was comfortable and in a content and thoughtful mood...then irritated. In between, a blurry transition that I didn't quite get a look at.

I'm listening to some Tony Bennett/Bill Evans recordings as I type this. Why do I say that; scarcely anyone knows who they are. I hate it when people name their favorite artists in their profiles (especially when the list of artists is long). I think to myself, don't you realize that there are a million different music artists, and a ton of people will not recognize anyone on your list?

Anyways, the recordings made me sad when I first put the music on. I've wanted to be a pianist my whole life. I asked my dad for piano lessons when I was young, surely no more than 8 or 9. Of course I never got the lessons. I remember strategically not asking for other things, vainly hoping that someone would notice and decide to apply the saved money to piano lessons. I wonder if any of them ever noticed when I was a "good kid."

Oh, yes. The symptom. Another of the symptoms the rheumatologist warned me about. I'd noticed it before but paid it little attention. Swollen joints. My ankles and my feet look swollen. I can't think of what may have caused them to swell. On one or two occasions, I've felt a strange, sharp, burning pain in my ankles. Last night, my right ankle fell asleep despite my not having it in a position favorable to falling asleep. I was simply sitting in this chair.

The swelling is subtle and unaccompanied by other physical symptoms; I struggled to feel confident that I was actually seeing swelling. Well, I took pictures on Obamaphone 2, so the doctor can decide.

I sat outside the laundromat for a while, and, staring at the cobbled pavement, visualized what would happen if I had lupus, got sicker, began to deteriorate on my way to dying. Such morbid shit is not uncommon with me.

I came across another good editing project based on Google Docs. So I finally got a Google account today. I signed up in the library. I had planned out a way to get around the phone verification, but I didn't need the plan. Though it did not work before, I signed up as a teenager and, as the online tip promised, was not asked to verify my account. I think a Google account that I created at the library's IP address, without my real name, age, country, or other identifying information attached, that I intend to use only through Tor, is a sufficiently safe setup.

Look at all this trifling bullshit I'm going on about. I'm in a strange mood this evening, I suppose.

Summer is here and it is a horror. The heat never lets up inside the apartment. I can't afford to run the air conditioning for very long, and it is during the day so hot outside that opening windows makes the apartment hotter if anything. That would all be endurable if only I could freely open the windows at night. But with nightfall a wild and alarming variety of insects show up at the windows. Unlike the increasingly common spiders, the small specimens cannot coexist peacefully, for they cease their mad whirling about the light fixtures as soon as I turn the lights off and begin to hop on and off my legs, preventing sleep.

The day before yesterday, I entertained my second large specimen, a creature I at first mistook for another unholy-sized cockroach. I was using the bathroom when she crawled in, huge and copper and attention-grabbing. My sounds of frustration morphed into sounds of disgust and horror as I saw her suddenly take flight just inside the bathroom door as she came towards me.

In the next hour or so I spent trying to catch her unharmed (her speed was not so hideously great as the giant cockroach's had been), I decided that she was some sort of beetle. Lacking the long, monstrously waving cockroach antennae, she was not so unpleasant to behold, and I noticed the richness of her copper color.

My diet is proceeding thus: I have (or rather, my metabolism has) reached the point at which I simply won't be bothered to eat so much, yet what I do eat seems, by the hunger pangs, insufficient.
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Today I watched a plodding, dumbass wannabe arthouse movie called Rubber. It's about a violent sentient tire. Stupid as hell.

I just finished The Witch. It was short and not scary. I'd thought it was a horror movie. Not terribly interesting, a lot of build-up to a lot of nothing. Most remarkable for the psychological child abuse to which Christians tend to subject their children.

I had my trigger finger on the pause button because I was afraid that the eldest daughter would end up being tried as a witch, BUT she went out into the woods and joined the other witches so the ending was happier than I'd anticipated.

I've just been getting tireder these past few days.

I'm restless and hella frustrated. I know what I have to do to improve my life, but I'm stuck here in this town until I find a new apartment and have enough money to move. I'm going to have to work extra hard to find more employment online so that I can save up a bit of money. No jobs in town.

I have to be out of here by fall at the latest because I won't make it through another winter. What am I gonna do with myself until then? Suffer, that's what. I'm going to go insane.

I should think about where I'd like to move. I can have someplace happening or I can have some place safe and quiet.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
This body is so awesome. I LOVE it. I couldn't stay away from the mirror today. Prancing around the house in my goddamned underwear and the knee socks I wear on deadlift days. My one-womon vanity parade.

It's getting hot here. The apartment holds in the heat like I never would have imagined given that I nearly froze to death over the winter.

No word from the landlord about the heater he's supposed to install. I'm kind of afraid to tell the housing authority. What if I have to move out because they have rules against paying rent for an apartment that doesn't pass inspection?

I finally took a look at the employment plan my voc rehab counselor emailed me. Started crying. Not because of the plan so much as because I don't want to have to make this decision (and just generally being overwhelmed with everything going on in my life). Not right now, not without more information.

Maybe I should have asked to be trained for a different career, but that would just take more time. Editing is really the only professional skill I have. May as well stick with it. But even with a certificate from a prestigious university, I'm still going to struggle to get work. I'm still going to be wicked poor. Editing itself is...meh. It's ok. All the other things that must happen to maintain a career are the problem. I guess I'll just take the course and simultaneously keep my eye out for something more suitable.

I texted my sister. She responded without saying anything dire, so I guess she's ok. I don't know if she's housed, however. I decided to keep my message brief in case she's still upset with me.

Insects creep me the hell out. I just put one outside that had a gazillion legs. I hope this town isn't the sort of place on which a plague of insects descends in the summertime.

I was looking through my old entries today when I found a resolution to remind myself each morning to not worry about what other people think of me. Gotta stick to that.
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
I once again complained to the housing authority about the non-functional heating in my apartment. My housing tech had sent the housing inspector out here, and he'd told me that something would be done about the heating, but nothing has happened.

My housing tech told me that the landlord had told her that the heating unit worked but maybe heated only the room it's in (why that is acceptable, I don't know). That's a lie; I can't feel any heat from that thing standing on the other side of the living room and the temperature is quite low.

The shady slumlord had told me he was looking for a new heater, then he comes with this lie. He came to the apartment and checked the heater himself!

And what the hell was the inspector supposed to do? Presumably my housing tech sent him over; he didn't check the heater at all, just told me something would be done, yet the housing tech has the idea that the heater works.

Now it's past working hours so I can't even get this resolved today. Soooo frustrated.

I also went to buy taxi scrip today. I don't want to suffer another trip on that goddamned shuttle and I need to go pick up my hair clippers and other stuff I left at my ex-friend's house when I was homeless. Because I qualified for ADA paratransit, I have access to taxi service at a discounted rate. I also qualify for a doubly discounted ($20 per $100 worth of taxi service) rate because I'm low-income.

The first time I went in, the clerk tried to sell me the scrip at the non-low-income rate ($40) because she didn't recognize the new ADA card. So I called the mobility office, someone sorted it out, and I went back a bit later.

Then the clerk told me that the scrip is quarterly and would expire at the end of this month (and is non-refundable)! I hadn't known that. I plan to use it to go grocery shopping next month, so I don't need it now, but she didn't know when the new scrip would be in because the mobility office doesn't send it over on any particular day. Nice. So now I can't plan my trip. I'll probably need to schedule the taxi ahead of time.

Ok, I just called one of the taxi services and the guy said that I wouldn't have to call ahead of time. I think he said the trip I want would cost $65-$75 dollars' worth of scrip. Actually, it'll be more than that because I forgot how far I have to go. Shit. shit shit shitty situation. middle of nowhere with shitty transportation, shitty apartment, and shitty, over-priced amenities. And windy as all hell out here. I had to scuttle today's cycling plans.

Well food stamp day is the second of the month, a Sunday, so I won't be able to take the regular shuttle on top of not being able to take a taxi. I think the farmer's market has started back up; I'll check that out and, I hope. find some reasonably priced organic produce there. First I have to find out if they take food stamps, then I have to find out where the hell it is. I may have to cross the damned highway to get to it.

At the farmer's markets they give out these huge yellow tokens for people with food stamps to exchange for food. I really don't like dealing with it but I sure do like getting that farm fresh produce. And I don't feel comfortable with people around here knowing that I use food stamps. People can be resentful and stuff.

I can't even afford that $20 for taxi scrip but that shuttle is killing me. Obamaphone2 at top volume with my headphones is not loud enough to block out the talking; ear plugs + ear defenders don't block it out. I need my hair clippers because I can't afford to go the barber. My own haircutting work doesn't look much worse than hers.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have almost zero ability to concentrate on anything. So I tried out a lesbian chat room today. Someone was asking me interesting questions, then a shitload of people joined within seconds of each other and drowned out our conversation with flirting and talk about some TV show. It was boring and I couldn't keep up with the rapid-fire responses anyhow, so I left. This is what chat rooms are like for me know. I coulda swore I used to be able to keep up.

I got a call about an open apartment in my old town, but the manager said that the place would be free in about a week and they wanted someone to move in immediately. Which I wouldn't be able to do, thanks to all the red tape surrounding my housing voucher. Dammit.

Then again, it's one of those huge complexes with big ugly iron gates around it. I hate those goddamned places. Renting a moving truck would cost me nearly half the money I have in my checking account. Huge goddamned mess I'm in. Poverty.

I wonder if vocational rehab would, instead of paying for my editing certificate, pay for me to see a lawyer so that I could get an editing contract written up. Then I could seek my own clients.

I'm starting to get desperate and I'm asking myself if I can manage a job as a cashier given my wonky auditory processing. I'm no longer so opposed to being employed. Getting out of the apartment and into the world would be good for me. A few hours per week would be fine and would cover my expenses.

Yes, I'm ready! I no longer hate people so much that I feel unable to bear being around them. Deep down I knew that I'd have to fix/wait out my own emotional problems. That's how it's always been. Never really been able to get any solid solutions or even consolation from other people except in the most cut-and-dried practical situations. When I was a kid, telling other people that I felt bad didn't even occur to me.

And since I can no longer keep myself occupied, I want to dive into the world and hope that I find someone interesting to talk to. Trying not to get my hopes up and not worry about being seen as weird and just go along for the journey.

In the meantime, I'm trying to appreciate what I have: A roof over my head. I used to think about what it was like to be stuck out in the cold a lot more. I didn't want to ever forget that. Now that there's more distance between me and the situation, I can't stomach those memories quite so much. It's not just the distance, it's the fact that I wouldn't be able to psychologically manage a second bout of homelessness well. Last summer in the shelter was really a different animal than a tent on the outskirts of town in winter.

I miss being a musician so bad it hurts :(

I've been telling myself that I'll never get a girlfriend if I don't stop being a slob, but the reality of that happening is just too remote to motivate me much, especially with the fatigue. And the lack of supplies! I'm adamant about not buying plastic brushes and a mop and stuff, but I can't afford to order any wooden
cleaning items right now. Everything is in limbo and riding it out is making me restless. Tryna picture RIPPED abs to motivate myself to get on that spinning bike and work off this fat. The struggle is real.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I worked out hard today, and I feel great! Or rather, I felt great; now I'm a bit sleepy. I'm starting to lift heavy again, and I'm upping my squat reps, so I'm gonna have to up the protein intake. I really want some brown lentils, but I can only find them online. I would also like to have bean burritos as one of my daily meals, but there aren't any healthy vegan tortillas (or gluten-free), at least, not any affordable ones. I'd have to make my own, and that'll take too much effort.

Someone from the womyn's land I visited emailed me this evening. I'd hoped that they'd forget about me. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back, at least, not any time soon. I may visit one day (not likely), but I'm not planning to live there anymore.

Found another road at the edge of town that isn't completely paved, so I  had to turn around and come back to town. What's up with the unpaved roads around here? Did the transportation department run out of money? I want to move away soooo badly.

The oat bran I got (not from the co-op) is hard and cut larger than what I'm used to, so it isn't as enjoyable and I really don't want to use that store again. I could take the bus out of town and cycle 44.5 miles (one way) to the co-op, but I'm not in shape enough to make it back.

I really had no idea how isolated this place is.
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The same outcome. I'm psychologically tired. There doesn't seem to ever be any payoff for me. I guess I'm just about past the point of hating people, though. It's like hating sharks for swimming. My expectations are too low and I'm too tired to hate. Just another disappointment, another evening feeling down.

I have a neurology appointment tomorrow.

I finally got down to working on my editorial services contract this evening. I was close to finishing. Then the laptop died. Permanently, apparently. I couldn't power it back up. So I'll have to re-write everything I guess.

I called my rep at the housing authority today. I'll have to have given the landlord notice before I can be issued a new housing voucher, which I'll need to secure a new apartment. That isn't as bad as I'd feared (I was afraid that I'd have to have vacated the apartment before being issued a new voucher), but it may be difficult to find a landlord who's willing to wait the thirty days for me to move in.

The rep said that the housing market is bad right now. If I weren't so attached to this area (and relatively safe here), I'd consider up and leaving for something really far off. I still haven't ruled out the Santa Cruz area. Just up north of Sacramento is supposedly cheap, peaceful, and rural, but I'm not sure if I'd be treated well there.
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I've got the Windows machine set up with the monitor resting on top of my trumpet case, which is resting on top of the tower. Given that working that way gave me a migraine, it's probably not a good or sustainable set-up.

Sure was nice to work with Word's Review features instead of the clunky review features of WPS Writer. But that white document background was killing me. I changed it to blue and forgot to change it back before sending the client the blue document. She said the blue was better on her eyes, lol.

I finally got to edit the sort of material I thought that I preferred: a research paper. The job was actually something of a pain in the ass. No, it wasn't. The pain is the ass was my worrying about doing a good job.

About one-third of the way through the job, the client said I'd delivered just what she was looking for, and still I worried about doing a good job. Actually, that doesn't represent anxiety: that represents high standards and the knowledge that clients (as laypeople) often aren't the best judges of editing skill.

I've been thinking about moving back to the Santa Cruz area instead of living in rural areas. I want to make cycling a huge part of my life. Flat farmland makes for windy conditions, which are a pain to ride in. But the Santa Cruz mountains block the wind. The area has great bike paths, and there is a fun and absolutely gorgeous bike route that goes through the woods. 

Something is off about me (what else is new). Surely it is not normal for a thirty-six-year-old adult to rely so heavily on lists and reminders to keep an apartment clean. Is it my organizational skills? I haven't had much trouble organizing other things, like work and studies. 

Is it that I've never had my own place before?

Is it my dissatisfying life making me want to stay in my head rather than attend to the physical reality of life? If that were so, I wouldn't be so motivated to go out cycling, I think.

Being in my head is a part of my personality, a trait I've had since I was small. Maybe housekeeping is something that is both too boring for me to consistently mind-emerge for it and too important for me to ignore how much trouble I have with it. Finally met my match.

I ate a whole box of cereal yesterday.

My copy of Personality Type: An Owner's Manual arrived today. While taking the typing test in the book (a sort of test I've taken several times online), I was, perhaps stupidly, somewhat afraid that I wouldn't get the same result as I've gotten in the past (INTJ).

I guess I was afraid because I'm trying to use this typing system for guidance, and doing so requires me to be secure in my type. Or I've just gotten attached to thinking of myself as an INTJ, regardless of how I intend to use that information. 

My new copy of The Chicago Manual of Style also arrived today, and now I must familiarize myself with it. I am not at all looking forward to this.

This research editing project I took on was my first job working with my new workflow: instead of completing all the editing (two passes and one proofreading phase) before submitting the finished work, I completed one pass and sent the document back to the client for approval and answers to my queries that I planned to incorporate after she returned the document, in the second pass.

Still no website! To take up work with my own clients (rather than clients I meet through freelancing sites), I'll need to have a contract for them to sign. I need a lawyer to write up this contract. I can't afford that right now. I also need an escrow service to make sure I get paid. Can't afford that right now.

So I haven't bothered with the website because I won't be ready to conduct business even if I have a website. I'm overwhelmed with the business aspect of this business. I just want to edit, not chase down clients. Still, I know that relying on freelancing sites for work is risky, even for someone like me, who needs to earn very little. (My yearly income was less than ten thousand dollars last year.)
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Jesus in hell I found a gorgeous specimen on an online dating site! She's about 17 years older than me. Maybe I am not mature enough for her :( She's the kind of sexy that makes me want to clean up my apartment.

It's a moot point at this point because I can't afford to upgrade my account to message her. Wish I had saved my money for this site instead of blowing it on OkCupid.

After half a day's worth of procrastination, I finally signed up for a Wix account so that I could start building my professional website. The next step is to choose a template and fill in my details. I'm feeling uneasy about this. I'm worried that my website (especially the text) won't be professional enough. But I hardly had any idea about what I was doing when I started freelancing, and that's turned out ok so far, so, keeping that in mind, I shall forge ahead and do the best that I can.

I forced myself away from the computer and biked down a back country road this afternoon. I'm kind of excited because of this bike route. It could be a roundabout route to the nearest larger town. There's no shoulder or bike lane, and the road is narrow, but I'm heartened because of an article I read about "claiming the lane." The article is about confidently cycling nearer the center of the lane so that drivers can see us easily and be forced to go around. My experience of trying to stay as far right as possible mirrors the author's experience: drivers try to stay in the lane and squeeze by me, which is much more dangerous.

My new EBT card hasn't arrived yet (of course), so I don't know when I'll be able to do January's grocery shopping. I just bought a bit of food, and I still have eight dollars' worth of cash (not food stamp) benefits left on my current card. That should carry me through until the new card arrives.

Slowly I get back into my old rhythms. I'm almost re-accustomed to making my breakfast the night before. I'm lifting three times per week and cycling six days per week. I'm weighing my food again (not quite so content with being on a diet this time, however).

The apartment doesn't look awful (mainly because I don't have much stuff), but it needs work and I'm limited in how much I can tidy up because I don't have anywhere to put anything. My closet is full of my mom and sister's bags of stuff that were recovered from the fire. Nowhere to put all my books. I intend to get rid of some of these books.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I overloaded my apartment's b.s. electrical system, couldn't find the circuit breakers, and spent hours without power this evening. That's only the 4 millionth reason to hate this place.

I decided that I'd be better oft talking to a therapist than exposing myself to random collections of morons for fleeting tastes of intellectual stimulation. At least therapists act maturely and don't troll you. I'm not sure what my therapeutic goal is, though. I just want to not be frustrated and unhappy anymore.

I was surprised to find that there is one in town, and covered by my insurance! I will be contacting her right away tomorrow.

My laptop battery died permanently today.

I'm struggling to remember my squat technique. I had to drop weight from 50 to 30 pounds today.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I accomplished a lot of nothing today. I looked for US-made underwear and found it rather expensive. I looked for US-made weights and couldn't find any that weren't made out of something toxic or coated with something toxic.

The apartment is still a mess. I'm still stepping over piles of books. Stuff that belongs to my mom and sister is here, and I have no room for it.

I've been using a to-do list to get things done. I need the to-do list even if the things are to be done the same day, or within the next few hours. I've developed a bit of ADD and need something to keep me on task. I spend the whole day online, probably because focusing on being in the here and now (in this apartment) is too depressing, but I can barely pay attention long enough to read anything.

The last of the fleas must be dying off. I slept outside of the tent and didn't get bitten least night. I still can't sleep well though. I must have put a hole in the bag of buckwheat hulls because I can see them spilled on the carpet.

In addition to the thin walls, the windows fogging up when it rains, the lack of space, the poor location, the steep steps, the sticking windows, the kitchen cabinets that won't close, and the smoke/CO2 alarm that goes off if I shower without the bathroom fan, the electricity shuts off from time to time. It shut off last night and I nearly froze to death. My energy bill is going to be high.

Given that I dislike and can't get comfortable with dating, I don't know how I'm going to build a relationship with anyone. Some of the other INTJs met their partners online, but there aren't a lot of people who socialize enough online to even build the interest that would lead to a relationship.

I got turned down for another apartment today :(

Tomorrow's goals are to get local garbage service started, clear the floor, stew the apples and pears I have with breakfast, and put a garbage bag in the kitchen. I've been setting trash on the goddamned counters. I also need to deploy my secret weapon to get rid of the remaining flies. Maybe clip toenails as well.
improperlyhuman: (iconoclass)
I finally got my Internet installed today. The tech was late, so I was afraid that I would get stood up a third time. The installation only took ten minutes! All this waiting for something that takes ten minutes...

I finally moved all my stuff here from storage yesterday. I thought that the storage facility pro-rated the monthly rate, but I was wrong, so I'm out of fifty-five dollars that I could have saved had I moved my stuff out earlier instead of waiting to see if veteran's services could get me a new desk! Dammit!

I surprised myself by moving everything except my spinning bike into the apartment last night (I didn't have to return the truck until this afternoon). I was a bit dismayed at how heavy my bar felt when I picked it up :( I'm out of lifting shape.

The spinning bike weighs about one hundred pounds, and the stairs here are as steep as a San Francisco hill. Having the bike is of course important because I'm down about not being able to cycle. I went out to the truck early this morning to see about the bike. I removed the seat and handlebars, then began the disassembly proper until I soon saw that disassembling it would be difficult, if not impossible.

While I was taking out screws, a kid who introduced himself as Kaleb (with a "K," as he specified) came up to chat.

He asked me what the bike was, whether I was moving, what my name was, and what grade I was in lol. I told him that I'd already graduated from school, and he then asked how old I was. After I told him that I was thirty-six (well, in a couple of weeks), he asked me if I had some sort of condition that made me continue to look and sound young even though I was an adult. I didn't know how to answer that, so I said, "I guess." I was kind of irritated at first (I really don't think I look so terribly young), but I'm more tickled about it now.

I ended up hauling the bike up one stair at a time, which basically almost killed me. I think that's the reason why my right elbow is sore now.

I went shopping at the local thrift shop immediately after picking up th truck and clearing out my storage. I didn't find much clothing, but I did get another pair of pants and a few shirts.

My eyesight has apparently improved so much that I didn't even notice that I wasn't wearing my glasses when I started driving the truck. Or maybe I'm just too accustomed to not wearing glasses.

Still haven't been sleeping. I forced myself up and out from a failed nap to do laundry early this evening so that I wouldn't have to worry about anymore itching or fleas in my sleeping bag and liner.

Got work to do I can't complete; I don't even have the energy to put the screws back in the bike.

The latest bad news is that my food stamps will be available on a Saturday, but local public transportation provides no service on Saturdays, so I still won't have groceries for another two days.

My social worker is coming to see me next week and I am GLAD. We talked about me moving out ASAP. Lol she suggested that I get a white noise machine. No way in hell they make one loud enough to drown out my neighbor and the guests she has every damn day.

Oh, I almost forgot! Shortly after I arrived here with the truck, my neighbor also arrived, reeking of weed, or maybe a combination of weed and cigarette smoke. She annoyed me with a shitload of questions and personal information that I don't care about. As I stood contemplating the spinning bike before giving up for the night, she came back outside and asked me if I minded her asking if I was gay!! She even told me that she'd been discussing it with someone else she knows. What the hell??
All UP in my BIZ! I told her that I preferred to keep my private life private.

The landlord is planning to buy yet another heater, but a different type of heater than the first one he bought.

I finally got to start reading my copy of Yorugu: An Afro-centric Critique of European thought.

I Give Up

Dec. 6th, 2016 10:15 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Woke up with a migraine from not drinking enough. Went to the library to search for a bike route out of town with Google Maps. Came up with nothing. So I will be getting up around six forty-five tomorrow morning to catch the shuttle out of town on the first leg of my public transportation journey to claim the moving truck I booked. The trip will be so long and arduous that the term "journey" is not entirely inappropriate.

I don't feel good about being trapped here, but I don't feel as bad as I thought I would upon confirming the fact because I'm so relieved to be done with looking for bike routes. The sadness will probably hit me harder later. But I'll have my spinning bike, at least.

The route I'd been trying to follow starts at a country road that is separate from the one I was on, but has the same name.

Also, I've decided to buy the Goodwell toothpaste and flossers. I've been looking all over for an all-natural toothpaste that also contains fluoride.

I need to get to sleep before it gets to late.

It was the salt and not more fleas irritating me last night! I turned the sleeping bag liner inside out and the itching stopped.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The Internet service provider missed my installation appointment again. It's as if I didn't even have an appointment scheduled. Ten minutes before the appointment window began, the person who took my order called to tell me that the Internet speed for which I'd signed up is unavailable. I got a call about this from someone else over a week ago! She gave me a third appointment. I insisted on speaking to a supervisor, but the supervisor didn't do much to assure me that I wouldn't be stood up a third time. She added my contact information to the order so that someone could call me if another problem arose. I couldn't think of anything simple/reasonable to ask for, and I was running out of energy, so I said ok and hung up.

I'd wasted half the day sitting here and waiting for the installation, but I managed to pull my frustrated self together and hefted the bike out into the cold to check out the route I'd found with MapQuest. I rode for miles on a surprisingly unsmooth, shoulderless road, looking for a left turn that wasn't there. I actually rode to the end of the paved portion of the road! So I turned around and tried going the other way, but the sidewalk soon ended, and there was no shoulder. Defeated, I turned back around and came home. I guess I really am trapped here. :(  And some creep slowed down beside me and asked me my name while I was riding.

To avoid pissing myself, I didn't drink sufficient water while I was out, and my head hurt a bit. My head hurts a bit now, actually; I haven't been drinking because of the cold. This heater is a joke. I have to be sitting right next to it to feel any warmth. It's at 83 degrees Fahrenheit right now, and I'm still not warm enough. 90 is the maximum temperature. I've set the heater to 90, but the temperature has stopped increasing. In fact, it decreased from 84 a while ago.

I couldn't sleep last night. I scratched my ankles so much and so hard that I dislodged the scabs from previous flea bites/scratching. I think I felt a few fleas inside my sleeping bag and liner, but I'm not sure if my skin was just irritated by the salt I'd put in the liner. I was supposed to wash my bedding today, but I had no energy after coming home from that bike ride. I sat down with the heater on my lap and dozed off. I feel similar to the way I felt when I was homeless outdoors: exhausted by the cold.

Unlike the vast majority of apartments, my place doesn't include trash in the rent, so I have to figure out what to do with my trash. The landlord said my neighbor would show me, but she didn't, of course. I haven't got it in me to go ask her, but I can work up whatever it is I need to call the local waste organization, although I can't remember what that sort of place is called.

I am quite unhappy. The cold, grey weather is probably worsening my mood. The unhappiness sucking the energy out of me makes completing my errands that much more difficult. I'm wondering if I'm in good enough shape to even attempt that professional certificate program.

I went through my professional email account this evening. The account is no longer overflowing with hundreds of unread emails! I'm down to just 49.

I had something interesting to post...I never did like mixing posts about my trials and tribulations with more general topics like politics. When I first started keeping a journal, I refused to write about my personal life—then my personal life became too troubled (and too lacking in outlets, perhaps) for me to avoid the temptation of posting about it. Maybe I should split this into two blogs.

I need to go force myself to eat something. I wonder if I can cook up some sort of rice crispie treat-like thing with puffed rice, applesauce, and peanut butter.

improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
Procrastinated on work with another stupid computer game and missed my self-imposed deadline by two and a half hours, but I don't think my client will even notice because he's in a different time zone.

Didn't get out of the tent until noon today, didn't go out exploring until most of the daylight was gone. I was thinking about using an alarm to get myself up early tomorrow morning (and re-establish my old schedule), but I dunno since I worked so late.

Thought I'd found a nice way out of town. It wasn't a bike path, it was a wide sidewalk that went on and on through the outskirts of town and up to the farmland. Weird. It ended abruptly, and there was no bike lane where it stopped. The road, however, seems like it is only lightly traveled, so it may be suitable for cycling.

Something about my bladder has changed! I'd hoped that the change was only temporary, something to do with the stress of living in a shelter/not sleeping, but I'm still having an issue holding my bladder. After drinking, I feel the need to urinate much sooner than I used to feel it. I tried Stand2Pee behind a storage container. Three fourths of my stream arched onto the ground; the other one fourth went down into my underwear. If I'm going to cycle long distances, I need to learn the technique properly.

I found out that there are (or were, I hope) two kinds of insects here: a tiny black insect and fleas.

I hate this place.

I have a headache and I think that's because of all the chocolate I ate.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My new Internet service provider completely skipped my installation appointment today, so I still don't have reliable Internet access. The next available appointment wasn't until Friday, which is grocery shopping day, so I had to settle for next Monday, nearly a week from now! The shitty customer service I've so far received bodes poorly.

I found a way out of town, but it goes in the wrong direction, and I didn't have time to explore it because I had to be home in time for the installation appointment that never happened. I'll have to lug my bike up a flight of steps to get to the path.

I am depressed.

My neighbor has visitors all the damned time, and I can hear nearly everything they are doing from my living room, including yelling at grandkids, singing to the dog, booming up the steps, and talking while the T.V. is playing. I tried to escape by moving into the kitchen and could hear from there as well (and I can't get a good wi-fi signal in there)!

The landlord stopped by with some Borax and some sort of natural flea treatment (in case the Borax doesn't work) and asked me whether everything else was ok. Of course I couldn't remember to mention the neighbor's noise because I can never think during a damned conversation! He asked me how I was doing and I stood there staring at him like a moron because I didn't recognize that he'd asked me a question. Actually, I didn't stare, I looked back and forth between his gut and his face because I couldn't look at his face the whole time. Weirdo, that's me.

And what good would that have done anyhow?? I don't know that they are terribly loud; it seems that the walls are just thin.

I have to get out of here ASAP. I just moved in and I already have trouble sleeping at night and getting up in the morning.

I did have time to explore the single bike path in town. Bordered by the road and a rusting, barbed wire fence, it is nothing but an unmarked strip of concrete featuring raised cracks every three or four feet. I doubt that it's even half a mile long.

I called the GI Bill hotline and found out that I'm not eligible for any more educational benefits.

The veteran's service officer who payed my deposit still hasn't gotten back to me about helping me with furniture, which I would like to take care of ASAP so that I can pick up the furniture and get my stuff out of storage on the same day and not have to pay for two different moving trucks on two different days! I couldn't bear being on the phone this afternoon, so I tried to e-mail her before the end of business hours...and that's when the wi-fi went out.

And I couldn't save the e-mail as a draft. So I saved it as a "File," not knowing what that entailed, so that I could reboot the computer (after which the wi-fi inexplicably worked again, but it was already after 5 pm at that point). Then I had to remove all the formatting from the e-mail, which had been saved as an HTML file. What sense it makes to save an e-mail as HTML, I've no idea.

Some idiot used the word "mankind" to refer to all humans. AGAIN. That is irritating even under good circumstances, but I just couldn't deal today. Piece of shit, I hope you die, you and mankind. I don't even care if that sounds horrible; I have no more patience. It's 2016, anyone who isn't aware of a reason for not referring to females as "mankind" is a moron, and the people who do it anyhow are trash.

I'm going to call the housing facilitator tomorrow and ask him to continue searching for housing.

My main laptop won't boot lol!

Taking my bike out the back door is the most inconvenient thing ever because the lock is messed up and we have to keep a stick wedged against the door to keep people out. So I have to take it in and out of the front door without getting crap on the carpets.

So now what am I gonna do with myself? One would think I'd at least be happy to live near the water again. NOPE. It's cold near the water. To cold to go for an angry walk outside. All my movies are on the laptop that won't boot. Maybe I'll try reading a book in the bedroom. With the door closed. I feel like destroying something, honestly.
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