improperlyhuman: (Default)
Last night I watched a TED talk about the reason we need single-stall gender-neutral public bathrooms. I hate TED talks with passion. But Ivan Coyote gave the talk and she's sexy as hell so I watched it mainly to see her. And damn, she looked even better than before.

Somewhere around the beginning of the talk, she said that she was a transperson. I was like, you too! Who isn't trans nowadays. But you know what else flies nowadays? Using words to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. So I don't know what she means by "trans." Maybe it isn't the bullshit pomo, misogynistic, reality-denying gender theory crap I fear it is.

In other news, I fixed my squat technique today! I'm so happy. I was leaving out the hip action. It's amazing how well I can squat now. I also figured out that I was hurting my back with deadlifting because I was just lifting too much! Duh. So I had to de-load from 140 to 120. My relief outweighs my disappointment. 1 step back to take 2 steps forward.

In my early twenties, I thought I was attracted to guys for like a week (this was after not really being attracted to anyone ever for my previous twenty years of life). Then I figured out that I was just attracted to their clothes (maybe haircuts too). After I got me some of them clothes, stuff ironed out real fast, and I decided that I was a lesbian around that time.

Now I'm wondering if something like that is happening to me again. I started watching lifting videos on Youtube, and most of the lifting videos (or maybe just the ones I watch) are made by guys. I started really paying attention to buff guys' bodies, even outside the context of the lifting videos.

I was watching this crappy, low-budget sci-fi movie in which this buff guy kept running around without a shirt when I realized how much attention I was paying to his freaking abs and how much I liked the way he looked, and that he wasn't the first.

All my visual inspiration for getting ripped comes from guys' bodies. I don't think I've ever looked at a fit womon and thought that I wanted to look like her. But I clearly remember watching Danial Craig walk up the beach in James Bond and thinking that I wanted thighs like his. I like the unrealistic inspiration, the body I can never have. Some dude a foot taller than me and 75 lbs. heavier, lol. Something about the over-the-topness is more motivating. A couple of them might be on steroids.

But now the thoughts have begun to skeeve me out. They somewhat feel "not me," but the scary part is the thoughts that do feel like me. A new and foreign me. There's probably a pornified overlay on my thoughts that truly is "not me," so I can take consolation in that at least. But I just need to get ripped fast so this shit can stop like it did with the clothes. It's very very disturbing and disorienting. I don't want to lose my lesbian card.

But thinking about those ripped chests, I just realized how bare they were! So these guys are shaving and not presenting themselves realistically in that sense. Whew. Few things less attractive than hairy man bodies. So I'm safe. But it's weird that I only just now noticed. Shaved man bodies have become so commonplace.

I watched this youtube video about this womon who detransitioned. She'd been bisexual before, but she said that testosterone had made her straight! How terrifying is that?! Some changes are just too much.

I'm super bored all the time. I had a nice chat with an anarchist I met, but I didn't have much to say. I guess it will get better with time. So nice to interact with another anarchist :) Just thinking about it gives me that full and solid feeling, just like thinking about interacting with vegans, and, to an extent, interacting with butch lesbian (that one is scarier though, like being on a rollercoaster ride). Other people leave me with a hollow feeling.
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
My face looks bad. The hyperpigmentation is not fading. I think I actually have a couple of new spots. If I get no new marks from this point onward, I'd say I'd be at least forty before all of it fades. That'll be at least two and a half decades of bad skin. Too bad my parents were irresponsible idiots and didn't take me to a dermatologist when this started.

Well, that's it. Nothing I can do to get rid of it faster except maybe stay out of the sun. Which I shouldn't be doing because I need Vitamin D. Anyways I've been staying indoors without seeing much improvement except for the skin underneath my sideburns. Or maybe that just looks better because it's partially hidden by my sideburns.

I like sideburns. I don't like getting mine cut, but my haircut would probably look weird with sideburns. I wish mine were a bit thicker.

I don't wanna have bad skin for my whole goddamned life.

You know what would be great? A lesbian movie that is not drama. Like science fiction. Drama is boring and stupid. Isn't there enough drama in the world?

Somehow Netflix tricked me into believing that Jenny's Wedding was a comedy. I didn't laugh once. Jenny appeared to be in her thirties or late twenties at the absolute least, her family still didn't know that she was a lesbian, and the movie was filled with dull, faggy, clichéd, stomach-churning coming-out drama. And tears. Come on.

Grown-ass independent adult, Jenny! This is ridiculous. What are you afraid of? Do people even still do this in urban areas of first-world countries? I mean I know I hit the jackpot by growing up when and where I did, but it's pretty easy to be a lesbian in a lot of places now. I never came out because I was never closeted. I never had to be closeted. The closest I came to coming out was asking my mom to spend the night at her apartment because I had a date in town.

Coming out is lame. Just show up at your family's get-togethers with your girlfriend like nothing is out of the ordinary and let them marinate if they need to.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I woke up to shouting shortly before lights out last night. The dorm rep assistant and someone else I couldn't see, whose voice I couldn't make out (and probably wouldn't have recognized). This second person had apparently called the dorm rep assistant a nigger. The dorm rep assistant was repeatedly calling her a bitch and a wetback. She said that she'd beat her ass even though she'd get herself kicked out for it. I think the other people in the dorm finally calmed her down at some point.

This morning, she woke up crying and talking about how horrible it was for one minority to call another a slur. I was like, why'd you call her a wetback then?

In the womyn's land little library, I found a book (much newer than most of the others) called Femme–Feminists, Lesbians, and Bad Girls. I thought to myself, ok, I'll finally find out what people mean by calling some lesbians femmes.

It was one of those books that is written like someone's women's studies dissertation: difficult to read. Phrases subjective to the point of meaninglessness blended with flowery verbosity. Typical pomoacademese. I couldn't find a coherent definition of "femme," but I did find the tell-tale trying-too-hard to make garden variety patriarchal stuff seem profound and revolutionary.

I wrote a little bit about it in the little booklet I tried to keep a journal with. On the spot, I coined the noun "patripomoisms." Can't remember exactly what I was thinking, but I think that refers to what I mentioned at the end of the previous paragraph: pomo reasoning and rhetoric used to pass off patriarchal beliefs and practices as non-patriarchal, revolutionary, even liberatory. Like the endless "choice" rhetoric used to justify "sex work," or the choice/anti-binary/progressive/multigenderverse (I just coined that one too) rhetoric used to describe or justify the misogyny, lesbiphobia, pro-capitalism, and physical mutilation that are part of the mainstream trans/queer agenda/ideology/lifestyle. I can't think of exact words at the moment so I use slashes.

Here's a quote I wrote down: "I think it is important for femmes, especially to learn from S/M communities about topping and bottoming." Shudder.

Here's another: "Power exchange is key to much femme-butch sex, in one way or another..."

Here it is: Any kind of relationship that involves any kind of power hierarchy is a warped relationship.

The book was a collection of articles from individual femme contributors. I was not surprised (well, I was in some way surprised that they'd admit such things) when they connected femmeness to BDSM, femininity, gender, and "sex work." Ok, got it. Just a bunch of patriarchal bullshit, as I'd originally thought. Not to mention another social science student who never learned how to write clearly. Moving along.

Half a pound of organic, fresh ground peanut butter ($2.15), tenth of a pound of salad mix (45¢), tabbouleh with too much lemon juice ($3.32), and a BPA-free can of organic cannellini beans ($1.19). That peanut butter, of course, will last for at least half a week of snacks and breakfasts.

I forgot to mention that I get ten percent discounts at co-ops because I pay with food stamps. So my final bill is less than what the above adds up to. Support co-ops and you support poor people!

I blow food stamps on junk food (that I don't photograph) sometimes, but I don't seem to be gaining weight. I get unnaturally hungry, and I buy extra snacks because I get afraid that I'll wake up in the middle of the night with low blood sugar and no way to remedy it. I'll just have to cycle extra to work it off. My calves are rock hard, which is great. Thighs have muscles in them but are still fatty :( And I swear my biceps have gotten bigger, which makes no sense because I haven't been lifting. Does gripping bike handlebars for dear life build biceps?


May. 29th, 2016 09:57 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Slept through the night last night! Wonder if it made any difference that I kept the window closed...

Got up at 6 a.m. and preceded to blow most of the day looking for a therapist. I found two who offer sliding scale rates and feminist therapy. I decided that feminist therapy is more important to me than gifted therapy.

Someone made a microaggressive remark about my being a vegan and a radical feminist, so I won't be going to that forum anymore. That was my last one. Being a political minority sure isn't fun. I was reminded of how unsafe I feel about openly being a radical feminist. Today was rough but I bounced back in the evening.

It's great that there are therapists who treat people from an understanding of oppression, but some of them have too much social justice warrior shit going on. I totally do not want to see a therapist who views me as a "person of color" or views my being a lesbian as an "identity" on par with the men who "identify" as lesbians. Lesbianism isn't just a thought in my freakin head; it's the concrete physical reality of being a female-loving-female in a misogynistic sociopolitical context. This is why all lesbianism is political lesbianism: no matter how apolitical a lesbian may be, heteropatriarchy will make her lesbianism into an issue. This is also why I reject framing lesbianism as a sexual orientation, an apolitical construct that draws an apolitical (and personally useless) parallel between lesbianism, heteroness, etc.

The word "identity" has been butchered. 'Member back in the day it used to refer to who a person actually was? Now it's all about who a person wants to be, or wants to be seen as, or wants to be treated as, or thinks she should have been born as.

Went to the hardware store today and bought a metal tub in which to soak my pads and reusable toilet paper, a small plank of wood, and a jar of wax. After having this desk for like nine months, I'm finally getting around to finishing it. I thought I would be using oil, but apparently wax is better.

Squatted on my plank (in my bare feet) this evening like a boss. It worked great.

And by the way, astramance, I have never sought the "perfect girlfriend."
improperlyhuman: this icon is a picture of crowd of people with text "please stop breeding" (breeding)
Yes, this is yet another brilliant holiday I've conceived, and, like Vagina Appreciation Day, it's best celebrated EVERYDAY. To erect a beacon to the many womyn struggling, suffering to get their social needs met by men who don't even have a basic level of respect for them.

And just a quick bit about the supposedly innate, unchangeable "sexual orientation." Honestly, it is kind of a disempowering construct. Is it difficult to muster sufficient psychological power to shift attraction away from a group of people that has heaped and continues to heap violence and abuse on one's own group all over the world, for untold generations? A group of people who render the most basic interactions dangerous and stressful? Who spew misogynist hate speech in all of their "art" forms? I don't even understand how womyn can stand to go on dates with men. One literally has to be on guard for one's life. Nothing they say can even be trusted because they will say absolutely anything to use womyn's bodies. What potential relationship is worth so much trouble?

But then things get slightly complicated because anyone could say (and they always do), "women do that too," and then I would have to explain the difference between the two. And I might as well do it: the difference is that involvement with men who only want sex (or men at all) is infinitely more dangerous, and they are more likely to have that attitude (along with subsidiary psychologically damaging attitudes such as entitlement and womyn-as-walking-vaginas), as predicted by their group behavior going back since practically forever. I'll take the womyn who only want sex over that any day.

And then my imaginary detractor(s) might suggest that it's preferable to view men as individuals. In theory, maybe. In practice, I hope that most would agree that safety trumps abstract ideals, and, perhaps, that there is some reasonable lower bound on the reliability of group behavior in predicting individual behavior, a limit that has long since been exceeded in this case.

Another sleepless night last night. The experiment is over and the results are in: this is caused by running in the evening. I don't know how I'm gonna continue, given that I'm so adverse to exercising during the day. Speaking of which, I had the incredible fortune of finding a pair of shoes in my size at the thrift store yesterday. Just two bucks I paid. They aren't running shoes, but they are tennis shoes, and therefore more appropriate than the shoes I have now. No holes in the soles, either.

Today I was itching to begin my search for wimmin's land and therefore barely able to concentrate on my studies. They seem almost pointless, useless to me in the future for which I hope. I might still have the opportunity to work online in this new life, however, and I hate to quit. I am, however, going to quit this MOOC sponsored or run by Google. The teachers don't lecture well; their explanations are verbose and they get caught on their own tongues too often. Worse still, there is too much hand-holding and micro-managing of the course project. Besides that, I'm not interested in coding slick applications.

I also spent the day talking to myself and doing hand motions and generally freaking out at my desk in anxiety. I am stuck on the prospect of having to rely on socializing to achieve something I passionately, desperately desire (to live on wimmin's land) and being charming or "friendly" or whatever is definitely not my thing.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
My hair is dry and dull. For months now I have been putting coconut oil and shea butter in it almost every time I shower, but that isn't enough. I only wash it once a month; that isn't enough. I need my scalp's own oil to moisturize my hair, but, without a boar bristle brush, the oil is stuck on the scalp and not getting distributed through the hair, it seems. I dropped my old one in the toilet, and I'm obviously not going to buy another because ethical veganism. I didn't even feel comfortable continuing to use the one that I'd had since before I went eV. 

So I've been in search of an alternative for some time now, and using a typical horrible plastic brush in the meantime (which I quite dislike). I've came across something called a Sissal fiber brush, but it costs at least thirty dollars, and I'm not even sure it works like a boar brush. This evening, I came across wooden bristle brushes (completely new concept to me). I wanted to buy one of the handmade ones from WIDU, but the prices are insane ($45 - $90), so I turned to ebay and found a cheap but attractive version to try instead. I can't say that I'm content with ordering stuff, especially such a trifling item, all the way from China (curiously, a good deal of ebay's wooden bristle hair brushes hail from China). It's difficult to find American-made stuff or vegan (non-sweatshop) stuff to purchase, especially on my income, so I just gave up.

Tolerance is over-rated. People have tolerated a lot of horrendous stuff throughout history: slavery, the holocaust, culturally-mandated child abuse, etc. In other words, quietly going along with prevailing conditions is easy and common. This is why I'm not quite jumping for joy as more and more people reportedly tolerate lesbianism. As the latter moves into public conciousness and mainstream culture (and perhaps, one day, the final stage of acceptance: corporate appropriation), whatever widespread tolerance it gains will take the same shape such things have always taken: thoughtless acceptance/not giving a damn. 

This is great insofar as it helps to make life materially safer and easier for people, but it isn't worth much to me in terms of how I value the thusly tolerant or their attitudes of tolerance. In other words, their ideas don't necessarily hold ideological value. For example, I've noticed that "tolerant" people simply parrot the "born gay" nonsense, presumably as part of their tolerance. Worse are those who defend their tolerance with the mere observation that intolerance is more of a thing of the past than of the present; in other words, tolerance is fashionable. Both of these stances are ideologically valueless. What would be ideologically valuable to me is critical thinking skills applied to the issue in service of arriving at one's own conclusion.

Of course, separatism/political lesbianism will never gain widespread acceptance.
improperlyhuman: black and white icon with text "if you identify with gender, you identify with patriarchy." (gender)
I have noticed some lesbians complaining that people, especially other lesbians, question their lesbian status because of the way they dress and groom themselves. Obviously, I don't know what those questioners were/are thinking, but just maybe...

Not only is the bulk of "women's clothing" some combination of uncomfortable, flimsy, restricting, strategically revealing/sexually suggestive, and even detrimental to physical health, but the very concept of maintaining separate sex-based uniforms is patriarchal. So what might a person infer about someone who feels comfortable, who prefers to dress in a feminine manner?

Clothes are at least functional, but when one adds in the time, money, and energy spent on make-up and fancy nails and fancy hair...well, what reason is there to go through all of that unnecessary and artificial crap unless someone is trying to attract men? It is clearly very possible to attract lesbians without all of that getup, so that isn't likely to be the motivation.

Maybe something like this is what's going through their minds.

Some are calling themselves "femme." Far as I can see, it merely signifies someone trying to pass off feminine gender role conformity/successful brainwashing as an identity. The most successful brainwashing convinces the brainwashed that the lies originated with the brainwashed, that they are "who she is" rather than who she has been told to be. More about conformity-as-identity later (tomorrow?)

Also, the way "femme" is used is misogynistic as hell because femme means "woman" in French, and to denote femininity with womonhood is to do the patriarchy's work. We got men and hetero womyn telling us that to be a womon is to be feminine, then we got "femmes" implicitly telling us the same thing. If they are to be denoted by the word for "woman," what are the rest of us to be denoted by? What the hell are other lesbians, if not womyn?

Now I'm wondering about the etymology. Who stole this word from the French to be mangled in both meaning and pronunciation by Anglophones?
improperlyhuman: (Default)
It irritates me a bit when someone responds that she is bisexual after finding out that I'm a lesbian, or tells me that she is a vegetarian after finding out that I'm a vegan. I'm like, why are you telling me this? What the hell does bisexuality have to do with lesbianism? What does vegetarianism have to do with veganism? You're still invested in the oppressor and consuming the products of bovine and poultry rape and reproductive enslavement.

Get back to me when you kick it up a notch.

Lesbianism is a centering of womyn and girls, not a damned sexuality. Ethical veganism is a moral framework, not a damned diet.
improperlyhuman: Burgendy text on black background: "Promoting Commodified Sex Positive Is Not Sex Positive" (pic#8372521)
I have been meaning to post this for some time now, but it is difficult to put into words. Let me begin by stating that I've always been uneasy with the term "sexual orientation" because it does not have a clear, precise definition.

The thing about it that bothers me most now is that it is predicated on some sort of equality of "sexualities;" to put gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight together in the same category, to state that they are all sexual orientations, is to implicitly ascribe some commonality to each of them. Recognizing that hetero-ness supports patriarchy, while lesbianism threatens it, however, I can see no salient commonality between the two. As the concept of sexual orientation is not, as far as I can tell, in any way constituted by these important power relations, it is unacceptably apolitical. 

Then again, I think that was the whole point of the concept. The liberal activists wanted widespread acceptance of homosexuality, and so they decided to sell it as something non-threatening, tried to put it on a level with straightness, a mere alternative, different pea from the same pod. I won't speak on male homosexuality, but, no matter the rhetoric employed, lesbianism is inescapably threatening to patriarchy. Some people recognize this and continue to refuse to accept it despite all of the gay activism and social pressure to be more "tolerant."

I tend to see more honesty in this lesbiphobia than in the bland assimilationism of the liberal activists. The latter seek to de-politicize that which can only be de-politicized by the end of patriarchy. They have achieved some good, but their goal, the peaceful co-existence of a threat to patriarchy and patriarchy itself, is unrealistic and ultimately futile. On another note, their capitulation to the threat lesbiphobes legitimately sense is grovelly and revolting.

I don't have a sexual orientation. Lesbianism, in general, is nothing like the privileged, socially-coerced, role-driven straightness, and it is also significantly different from male homosexuality (which serves to shore up yet more male privilege, rather than challenging it) and bisexuality. I balk at the understanding of lesbianism as a "sexuality," because I think it is not primarily about sex.

That brings me to another reason that I don't have a sexual orientation: not only is the "external" comparison to other "sexualities" inappropriate, the "internal" comparisons (with other lesbians) are also distasteful, for to have "lesbian" as a meaningful "sexual orientation," we must also posit some commonality or commonalities amongst lesbians. The simple truth is that some lesbians are messed up in the head and bring patriarchal b.s. into their lesbian relationships and lesbian communities.

I cringe at the thought of being considered to have the same "sexuality" as lesbians in the BDSM community. Beating and degrading womyn and deriving arousal from the same are incompatible with lesbianism as it exists in my mind. Pointless to say that such people are not lesbians, however, as that will only get us into a fruitless philosophical and semantic knot. Far simpler to reject the categorization of lesbianism as a "sexual orientation" or "sexuality."  


Jun. 16th, 2014 08:24 pm
improperlyhuman: (dyke)
I'm dying today. Not eating properly finally caught up with me last night, and I've had a rather singular migraine for the past twenty hours or so. Singular in that it feels rather different than the sunlight-induced migraines; more localized, sharper pain. I'm indoors and still wearing my Cocoon sunglasses (they arrived on Saturday!); that's how bad it is, even though it's actually on the decline at this point.

I have been trying for years to explain to myself why it matters to me to NOT date womyn who conform to femininity, especially butch lesbians. I'm never satisfied with the coherence and pointedness of my explanations. It bothers me to see people post things like "clothes shouldn't matter!" because they DO matter, yet I couldn't articulate why. But it came to me a few days ago.

Under patriarchy, "women's clothing" are created for men, by men. Of course there are womyn who are designing and manufacturing "women's clothes," but they take their design cues from men. Thus the clothes are almost invariably some combination of impractical and uncomfortable and revealing and objectifying and sometimes, downright detrimental to the physical body. "Old" womyn are expected to cover up, and there is a small movement of "modest" women's clothing for all ages, but even these two are the issue of objectification; for womyn's bodies are not things that need to be covered up for their own sake. It is men's disgusting gaze that sexualizes us against our will, under all manner of circumstances; then they blame us for the contents of their warped minds and put the onus on us to prevent their distraction and sick thoughts by mandating that we cover up. On top of all of that, these clothes serve as a marker. They are a quick and dirty way for a person to determine who gets treated like a human being, and who gets treated like a woman.

The sort of clothes one wears are therefore not neutral. Any womon who feels comfortable in "women's clothes" is either

A. unaware of their significance, or
B. doesn't care.

I find both states of mind foreign (because I've always experienced discomfort with "women's clothes," from childhood onward) and repulsive and would have difficulty relating to such a person.

So yes, clothes DO matter, they say something about one's personality, but that is a side issue brought up by the simplistic equation butch lesbians = "women who wear men's clothes." It's not the clothes that make butch lesbians; in fact, that is backwards. It's the inability to find comfort in femininity that defines butch lesbians, and that lack of ability drives the distinctive look. And that discomfort is the connection that I seek. It is the difference between the mind of the free and the mind of the enslaved. It is not some wanton, meaningless "preference."
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