improperlyhuman: (not queer)
I forgot. When I was called back into the doctor's office yesterday, the admitting person asked me if an interpreter were coming. I said, "I speak English," but she was talking about an interpreter for hearing impairment. Somehow she had misinterpreted the auditory processing deficit in my records as a hearing impairment. I said that I could hear fine and she told someone at the front desk to send away whatever interpreter showed up.

Fatigue so bad today that I couldn't lift. I could have forced myself but I feared dropping the weights. Normally I feel better in the evenings but not so much today.

I was at the bus stop (was it yesterday? fatigue has killed my memory) thinking about talking to someone and using a bit of AAVE when it occurred to me that I am no longer so uncomfortable with AAVE. I used to have a small complex about it because my family made a big deal about the way I spoke. Of course this isn't going to have any huge effect on the way I speak because my speaking patterns are quite set at this point.

I went to fill out the enrollment form and found out that the summer session of my certificate course is full. I won't be able to start until fall. That's probably a good thing considering my current state of health.

I have been able to concentrate a bit more this week. I have been doing some light reading, reading about the Enneagram. I prefer to focus on the Enneagram at this point because it's easier for me to understand than Myers Briggs and seems more helpful. I can't really relate to the other INTJs on the forum. Actually I guess I don't much relate to the other type 5s either...

Anyways, I have been learning about the Instinctual Subtypes, and I think mine is Social (so). According to Chestnut, the type 5 so is characterized by relating to people through intellectual values/ideals and disinterest/disengagement with "ordinary" people and aspects of life. Those are the aspects that at least vaguely resemble my personality, anyhow.  

Yes, I'm willing to date a vegan only, and I'd only be willing to date someone who is also a feminist and an anarchist as well if I thought that I stood any chance of finding someone with that holy trinity of values. And I feel that relating to non-vegans, non-anarchists, and non-radical feminists is difficult and undesirable. That seems to be how Type 5 so manifests in me.

Of course that exclusivity creates social difficulties, but I don't think it's wrong, not in the case of my ideals anyway. These aren't just ideas, they're material practices related to the prevention of suffering. Extremely important no matter how one looks at it, and they don't totally prevent social connection.

I'm sure, however, that even the vegans and anarchists and radical feminists who feel the same way generally relate to people better than I do. There are vegans dating non-vegans, and I have trouble imagining how they (the former) can stand it. Maybe it's that emotional connection that keeps on coming up in the books. I'm not sure that I want such a thing if it attaches me to people whose political differences are going to frustrate me. Chestnut also advises Type 5s to remind ourselves of the benefits of emotional connection, even if we don't believe there are any, lol. I'm like, how are we going to remind ourselves then?

I keep looking into this emotional intimacy thing, and I never see anything positive about it. I don't and never have had a problem communicating my emotions when necessary and beneficial. I just don't view sharing emotions as a type of intimacy. It can be a useful act when there is a problem in a relationship (albeit not as efficient as simply telling the other party what one wants her to do), and a pleasant thing to share when one is happy, but that's pretty much all it is to me.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what else it could be. A few times in my life, I've had pleasant experiences sharing things I liked because the other party was also enthusiastic about them. Of course that rarely happened, and isn't likely to happen very often because of the nature of my interests. My most common interests are the ones I'm least passionate about. Now if I find a vegan girlfriend, would sharing veganism constitue emotional intimacy? I don't think so. It's mostly about my own damned feelings of relief and...I dunno, I wanna say safety but that doesn't seem to make sense. I guess safety from exposure to speciesism in an intimate relationship.

Anyways maybe the Instinctual Subtype system isn't terribly useful. I'm just checking it out right now.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
The wind rattles the doors and windows so hard at times that it sounds like someone is knocking or trying to break in. The rattling bedroom window woke me up in the middle of the night.

Still, I managed to get myself up and ready for grocery shopping reasonably early. I even ended up less stressed out after I found a closer and more convenient grocery store that carries my staples (bulk oat bran and organic produce). Then I called the EBT hotline to make sure that food stamps were available.

Fifty cents available balance. The day, my mood, it all came crashing down. Because I had my food stamps case transferred to the county where I was staying while in the shelter, the day on which funds are available also changed. Of course, no one had told me this. After a zillion years on the phone, I found out that my case still hasn't been transferred back to this county, and food stamps won't be available for another six days.

SIX DAYS. It sounded like forever, especially in comparison to the two days I'd planned for the last time I went to the grocery store. I had no food besides spices, tea, and a couple of bowls worth of brown rice. I had to spend more money that I could ill-afford to spend. I thought about the local food bank, and past experiences with food banks: their junk food, expired food, and white rice, which makes my blood sugar crash. After hanging up, I held my head in my hands and rested my head against the bedroom wall as tears and pressure built up behind my eyes. In the back of my mind, that one bad thing after another had happened since I'd moved in seemed almost comedic (albeit not comedic enough to improve my mood).

I can't even remember what I did after that, but I somehow pulled myself together. I got down to the work with which I'd been procrastinating, and, on my break, I got myself to the grocery store and picked up a bag of food. I got in and out without spending too much or worrying too much about how much I was spending. Although I didn't feel like working at all, having work helped a bit because work means more money and less reason to worry about money. The thought of losing my clients sobered me up a bit, and I soon got into the groove of editing once I'd started. I bought a chocolate bar to help myself feel better. I think I ate too much chocolate because I feel nauseous now.

So I'm doing ok this evening and working on staying hydrated. I also need to focus on finding and ordering the self-care and household items I need (a natural pillow, a computer desk, mouthwash, and a new flosser; I haven't flossed properly in days), getting some clothes, and re-establishing my former sleep schedule. I also need to stop spending so much time online, which I've been doing to distract myself.

I usually completely ignore the online "friend zone" discussions, dismissing them as entitled men complaining about uninterested womyn refusing to fuck them. Having been on OkCupid recently, however, I've re-noticed the profiles in which womyn say that they need to be friends before pursuing a more intimate relationship. I wonder if some of the "friend zone" situations involve guys not understanding, ignoring, or being unaware of this need. 

Me, I don't think I can do the friends first thing. I don't even really want friends, and my attraction tends to be more immediate than that. If I tried to be friends first, I would try to stuff down my attraction in order to avoid serious disappointment in case the other person decided that we weren't compatible after all that friendship. That, the waiting, and the wondering would be very uncomfortable.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Mental health deteriorating. I'm super stressed out.

I finally went out cycling to look for a route out of town today, but it was too windy for cycling. I came back home after a couple of miles with little useful information.

I can't find a non-expensive, non-exhausting way to get to my favorite place for groceries tomorrow. Either I get up early in the morning and have a nearly three-hour wait between buses, spend 13 to 16 dollars (one way) to take the train, or cycle like thirty miles, through two towns. That's through farmland, where it may be windy like it was here. I could just go look at a weather report, but, on top of everything else, that seems like a large task. Weather websites never load properly for me because I don't take the time to figure out which scripts are necessary.

Every time I have to face difficulties related to where I'm living, I think back to the apartment I didn't get and the apartment I lost back in my old town, and those memories prevent me from getting over the grief I have for my old town.

Oooh, someone just sent me a message on OkC...I have been much more active (and proactive) on OkC than I was the other times I was a member. I've looked through almost all of my 80-90% matches.

My landlord brought me a new heater today. It doesn't seem to be working very well. I had to turn the oven on to heat the apartment again. It's a silent heater, so I'm not even sure that it's on.

My neighbor is angry. I can hear her through the wall behind me, cursing at someone or something.

My mom, sister, and nephew got kicked out of their shelter and are now living in the car or "anywhere." I can't even offer them any advice.

The cold disinclines me to drink water, so I've been dehydrated for days. I've made tea a few times, but it's too much trouble when my only pot is occupied with food.

I did accomplish one important thing today: I got in contact with my VOR counselor and asked to have my case re-opened. I finally got gas and electric service transferred into my name.

This OkC message says that she likes my straight-forwardness, yet I'm still nervous about being straight-forward in my reply.

I'm also struggling to manage getting a truck and moving my stuff here. I've been beating myself up for it, especially when I procrastinate. The attempt to coordinate the grocery shopping with the truck rental (the ultimate in logistics) is eating me alive this evening.

At my worst today, I ended up even worser because I figured out that the veteran's crisis chat (and several other chat platforms!) wouldn't work because I have Google Analytics blocked. Functioning crisis chat shouldn't depend on google analytics! I was pissed.

I still don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I definitely need food, and the things I usually buy are too expensive at the local grocery store, if not totally absent.

Procrastinating again, by updating this blog. Time to go.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I sprung for 6 months of OkCupid's premium service, which was on sale. Before finalizing the purchase, I told myself that the service probably wouldn't pay off to avoid disappointment. But I got a message from a person who is a great match this evening! A great match in terms of the match questions, but suitable for friendship/penpal, not a girlfriend because she's ace and apparently a vegetarian instead of a vegan. I wouldn't have found her if not for one of the extra search option provided by A-List. Actually, that search option used to be free. Oh well.

I was also considering hiring a lesbian matchmaker this evening. I could probably benefit from the dating counseling. I'm not sure I'd be accepted as a client because I may be too difficult to match. At the very least, I'm going to add myself to the database the matchmaker uses to find dates for her clients. That's free.

I've been finding random wet spots in the bathroom floor. A puddle of water has now appeared twice near the bathroom door, totally isolated from the shower, sink, and toilet. The living room window was difficult to open, but when I came back, it was closed. This place is weird. I'm feeling smothered, oppressed, trapped, and like it's not really home. The streets are in bad shape. I want out of here :(


Nov. 23rd, 2016 06:32 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I spent a lot of time playing atris and trying to make an online presence for myself instead of working today. I created another okcupid account. I think that I have more realistic expectations for okcupid this time around. At the very least, the site improvements are interesting.

If I've decreased my video size enough, I'm gonna apply to the terf4terf social network. So excited! Too excited to concentrate on all the work I've got to do. I didn't look very good in my video. I looked very tired, and, maybe it was the recording angle, but my face looked fat. Not that I'm shedding tears over it.

I know there are probably some terfs coming across my blog, so here's the info:

I was pretty nervous about applying because I had to show proof of my radfem cred. All I have is my blog, and I've done a couple of stupid things on my blog. But, I convinced myself to not worry about it. The world won't end if I get rejected.

I keep feeling hungry today. Guess I'm ready to go back to eating 6 times per day. I need to go get more food. What I've got now isn't gonna last me 'till the end of the month, and I've only got about seven more dollars' worth of food stamps. I had my oat bran breakfast, a bowl of lentil stew, a yam, and two red potatoes just now, and I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll go to Taco Bell. I'm tired of cooking. The oven does keep the apartment warm, though. Did I mention that the heater doesn't work?

As I'd feared, my neighbor came by and offered to have me over for Thanksgiving or give me a plate. She said that she knew "what it's like to be alone." Lol, no she doesn't. I've noticed the recognition of those who reach out to others, but who sings the praises of those who leave other people the hell alone???

My cloth diapers arrived today! I'd forgotten that I'll have to wash them three or four times. There are two washing machines in our storage area, but I'm not 100% sure we're allowed to use them. I mean, I guess we are, because who else would use them? But the landlord didn't mention it, as far as I can recall. And I can't trust my auditory memory. I'm gonna use one of the machines as soon as the other tenant is finished. I've only got about a fourth of a roll of toilet paper left. Oh shit, just remembered that there's no dryer here. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and the laundromat will probably be closed. I had a similar issue last time I moved into an apartment: I moved in a few days before a major holiday and couldn't get shit done when I wanted to.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Yesterday, I checked out a book entitled Instructions for Your Discontent: How Bad Times Can Make Life Better (which, as far as I can tell, didn't include much about making life better). I am discontent, still in grief over my last apartment and my former town amongst other things, so I thought the book might be helpful.

The section on romantic love includes a list of traits that promote "love infertility", and the list includes "no sense of humor." There's also an example of this: an exchange between the author and a client who has tried many things to find a suitable guy but has failed. The author begins laughing at her and talks have a sense of humor about the situation. The client says that the situation isn't funny.

No sense of humor. I have noticed people saying this about people who are not amused by what the first group of people think the second should find humor in. Disturbingly, what they think should be humorous is often some kind of personal problem. There is some kind of ideology having to do with the supposed desirability of being able to laugh at one's problems. Notable is that the supposed humor deficit is rarely, if ever, phrased as a lack of humor; it is referred to as no sense of humor, as if failing to find the humor in one situation reflects on one's humor in a global fashion. Perhaps "no sense of humor" is just idiomatic...but.

Overall, the book was not very helpful. The author believes that prolonged periods of datelessness (that includes a measly three months without a date!) should be ended by randomly dating potentially incompatible people. Any date, just get a date! More fundamentally, the author takes the (not uncommon, it seems) view that dating is fun. Or, at least, that dating should be fun, and, if it isn't, the fault lies with the unsuccessful dater who is somehow raining on her own parade. This perspective, or rather, the advice it begets (to date casually and often) is of no use to those of us who have low social energy.

I find that self-help books are rarely relevant to me. Aside from being shallow and apparently targeted to the middle class, they seem to include assumptions about social orientation that do not apply to me, and there is a lot of advice about low self-esteem, prioritizing one's needs, and other issues that I've never had a problem with. Of course I don't expect to profit from every self-help book out there, not even half of them. But I am careful to grab only the ones that seem relevant, and still they hardly ever are relevant. They cover the topic(s) I want to read about, but the solutions are unrealistic for me (random dating? not gonna happen) and the diagnosis of the underlying problem is totally wrong.

What is irritating is that nearly all of them are written in the same voice. That's another thing (besides the general dumbing down) I dislike about modern books: few authors have a unique writing voice anymore. All these low-content mainstream books read like someone's blog or something, and they repeat the same shit over and over again. Too many people get published. Not everyone can write. Save the trees.

So. As usual, I have to figure things out for myself. I have a problem with feeling disconnected to people, not in a schizoid way, but in a so-many-people-would-do-me-harm-if-they-could-it-has-destroyed-my-sense-of-belonging way. Actually, I don't even know what the "schizoid way" is (and I bet the shrinks don't either), I just know that I'm not mentally ill for feeling no sense of connection to the thoughtless, dull-witted, violent, xenophobic, misogynistic, racist, pro-capitalist, speciesist, ecologically destructive/irresponsible subset of humans.

Without my sense of connection to all, I have no sense of connection to some. And I need a sense of connection to some to have a girlfriend, so I have to figure out how to get it back; I have to figure out how to appreciate people as isolated individuals instead of examples of that entire humanity I used to be so naive about.

I want to pretend to be mute. I don't want to be expected to talk so much. It won't work; I'll have to talk to run my errands. Damn it. I've been thinking about getting some T-shirts printed with messages that discourage people from talking to me.

I didn't want to leave the library for lunch, so no homeless lunch today. I (sneakily) had a banana with peanut butter in the bathroom to maintain my blood sugar level.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Finally got a bit of sleep last night.

For today's shelter drama, we had another last minute bathroom closure. I took a shower anyways. Disorganized morons.

I asked...someone. The lady who gives meetings in the womyn's dorm and does some type of case management stuff. I don't even know who is who at this shelter. Anyways, I asked her about keeping my food around given that I'm hypoglycemic. She told me to keep it in my backpack and not in the dorm, and, being eager to get the hell out of there, I said ok and left right away. I didn't bother to ask her what the hell she meant, given that I keep my backpack in my locker in the dorm while I'm asleep at night. Whatever. Back to hiding shit in my locker.

I was going to check out a whole new rural area that's been having some very cheap apartments popping up on craigslist. Due to ambiguous directions from Mapquest (starting off with a street that was apparently non-existent), I got lost and missed the bus this morning. It wasn't until about two minutes before the bus was scheduled to leave, and I'd found myself in an unexpected area, that I figured I'd probably been traveling in the wrong direction.

On my way back to the train station, I blew out my back tire. The two hundred bucks I earned least week is gone. So much money I drop on bike maintenance. Too tired to seek work for days now. I am heartened, however, by what the vet case manager told me yesterday: there is an organization that can help me with the deposit for an apartment, and I'm in the cue for a temporary apartment, which I'll be able to stay in until I find a place to use my housing voucher for.

In think very positively about finding a girlfriend these days, surely not because it's any more likely to happen than before (it isn't, except maybe for my attitude), but, I guess, because I've gotten into the habit of thinking about it to help me sleep/manage stress, and because my instincts are taking control from the ruminations of my conscious mind. Yay, I guess?

I looked up meetups for auditory stuff and haven't found anything so far.

One of the residents seemed irritated with me for not coming to her to get some housing information she looked up for me. I didn't even know she had this information. She apparently told me at the end of the last dorm meeting, but all I heard were garbled words, and then I forgot about it. Well, I don't want any assistance that comes with irritation, and I told her that I could get the information myself anyhow, so I haven't gone to her at all.

Today's homeless lunch/dinner consisted of a can of organic white beans ($1) that I bought yesterday evening, (poorly made) tabbouli ($1.99), bananas (3 for a dollar), green onions ($0.79) in lieu of green vegetables, and a chia seed bar ($0.59).

Dividing my monthly allotment of food stamps by 31 (days), I have just over six dollars and twenty-nine cents to spend per day. The actual amount is less than that because I buy bulk oat bran, peanut butter, and applesauce for breakfast. The co-op was out of pumpkin pie spice, so I remembered that I can get it for cheaper (one dollar per...container) at this huge discount department store over in the next town.

I use situations like this as an opportunity to get exercise. I've been trying to consistently cycle in the highest gear so that I'll keep (and increase) my leg muscles, but the bike has a serious problem getting into the highest gear, and today it kept slipping out of that gear.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
WHY is there such a thing as apartment complexes for migrant workers ONLY???

I was happy to find a website that focuses on rural housing: USDA Rural Development Multi-Family Housing Rentals. I've found, however, that some of these places (most of the places I wanted to live in) rent to migrant or agricultural workers only. In this area, agricultural workers are mostly immigrants.

We have these regions called countries and states, which are controlled by governments that are supposed to administer services to the citizens. Primarily to the citizens. Plenty of California citizens, lifelong citizens, not immigrants, cannot afford housing. Yet someone(s) in power here funneled resources into low cost apartments that primarily (if not entirely) benefit migrants. This makes no sense to me.

And I am pissed that I cannot even apply to live at any of these places. Us citizens like to live in the country too, dammit.

And aren't these places basically enabling agricultural employers to pay low wages? Maybe if someone increases agricultural wages and/or wage oversight, the migrants won't have to rely on special housing complexes for a place to live.

Several days ago I came across an online article that reported a high dissolution rate for formal lesbian relationships (marriages and civil unions). :(
The website listed some online resources for successful lesbian relationships, and that's how I came across the website of Christine Dunn-Cunningham, the Lesbian Love Guru.

So I went to the Guru's website and downloaded my free copy of The Ultimate Relationship Guide, which seemed interesting and practical enough to work. It's a very short guide that starts the reader on the road to finding/transforming a lesbian relationship in four steps:

Step 1
I skipped step 1 because it's apparently for people who are already in a relationship.

Step 2
Next I was directed to imagine my ideal relationship and write about it in detail. I went with a good 'ole bullet list. Two, actually. One for my ideal's personal traits, and one for aspects of the ideal relationship that involve both of us, like how we would interact. My list was almost two pages long.

I put stuff on there like
  • respects children and non-human animals
  • more interested in things and ideas than people and feelings
  • taller than me (that's the only physical trait on the list)
  • weak cultural identification
  • open to alternative forms of communication (so I don't have to kill myself listening)
I highlighted a couple of the items on the ideal relationship list (no PDAs and very little socializing) because I think those preferences may change if I ever become more comfortable.
Step 3
This step was for figuring out what sort of person I need to be/what I need to do to achieve that ideal relationship. Things started to look bleak at this point because I decided that I'd have to figure out how to identify such a person and where to find her. Even worse, I'd have to be willing to meet new people, be able to manage interactions with incompatible people, maintain my morale, and keep resentment at bay. I could push myself through the first via sheer willpower, but I doubt that I have it in me to manage all of the other three. And these are only four of the things on that list.

Of course part of me did not like the fact that I was even working on this, but the other part of me told her that it was just a self-growth or exploratory exercise and that we don't have to actually go through with any of it.
Step 4
This step was about writing a want ad based on my ideal relationship. So I typed up a 500-word want ad. When I read it over, it seemed like I was asking for a shitload of stuff. I've come to see, however, that my personals ads probably only seem to ask for a shitload of stuff in relation to other people's personals ads, and other people take a lot of stuff for granted and therefore never mention it in their ads.

For example, I'm sure many people take for granted that the people who read and answer their ads use deodorant. I've hardly ever read a personals
ad that specified deodorant use. Since I don't use deodorant, and I know it's unusual and something that is important to people, and I desperately want to avoid basic incompatibilities like this so that I don't waste my precious energy on people, I like to mention in my ad that I would like to meet someone who is comfortable with my not wearing deodorant.
I'm supposed to read the want ad every day to fix in mind my vision of an ideal relationship. Easy peasy. I'm also supposed to take steps to become the person I decided I need to be in step 3 to achieve the ideal relationship, So that's where I'm at. And that's where I'll be for a long time, I'm sure.

First, must take care of housing. There is a cottage in my old town that I desperately want (no neighbors sharing a wall!), but the person who posted the craigslist ad has not answered my emails. I wonder if that is because I asked about paying rent with a housing voucher. I wonder if my emails went straight to spam. I intend to ask my housing coordinator to contact this person. I expect that he has some sort of official email address that is less likely to go straight to the spam folder. He probably also knows how to compose an email that reads more professional than my emails.

I have a phone appointment with Legal Aid on Monday. I'm going to ask whether the property owner is liable for my belongings that were exposed to asbestos and the truck I'll have to rent when I go back for the rest of my stuff.

The VA called and gave me a dermatology appointment (in town, fortunately) for next week. Maybe I'll get my skin condition fixed after all these years. Hey, that's one step towards becoming the person I need (or maybe just want) to be for my ideal relationship. Healthy-looking skin is helpful.

I want to eat co-op muffins every single day. I had another one yesterday evening and was afraid that I'd overeat, but I compensated with a very small dinner without being hungry. Being outside of my routine or my comfort zone or something has knocked me off into space. I used to love eating the same thing every day, but I'm struggling with it now. I wonder if this is what emotional eating is like.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Last week, while I was lying in bed, procrastinating instead of getting up, something occurred to me about my ambivalence towards seeking a girlfriend. It became clear to me when I connected it to a concept I read about in The Iceman Inheritance: eros, or Western romantic love, vs. agapé, love of one's...compatriots, tribal co-members? I can't remember the exact wording used.

Basically, the book identified the concept of romantic love as a sham, a cultural institution designed to cover up the fact that romantic coupledom is essentially predatory. Eros was contrasted with love as it manifests in other cultures, cultures in which coupledom, romance, and monogamy are not so important.

Given the society in which I live, the lack of agapé is a GAPING hole. The more I have considered it, the more agapé seems fundamental to happiness, the natural state of human society. Not a society overflowing with anonymous racists, misogynists, and so forth, many of whom would murder one another if they could get away with it.

That gaping hole, eros cannot fill it. Having a girlfriend, one person who gives a damn, would be nice, but it isn't nearly enough. Friends would be nice, a functional family would be nice, but even that is not enough; social relationships on the tribal level seem to me to be the most important. What's one person who likes me in comparison to thousands with far worse opinions based on nothing but xenophobia and stereotypes?

So I've kind of been like, what's the point. If one is not born into a functional tribe, one is shit out of luck. I'm shit out of luck. Nothing can fix this. A girlfriend seems like a band-aid. A pathetic approximation to a functional social structure.

I finally had a chat with astramance today. It's been...years. For no good reason, as far as I can see.


Oct. 14th, 2015 11:04 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Was very distressed yesterday morning when I saw that I'd forgotten to prepare breakfast the night before; my breakfast routine is very important to me (I was a bit taken aback to feel just how important), and I would not be content to eat anything else.

Today I noticed a very prominent vein or artery or whatever it is on my forearm. I can't see it, but I can feel it, and I'm sure it's due to having lost weight because I've never noticed it before. The thinner body is...well, an experience. The slender wrists, the more prominent bones, they make me feel a bit vulnerable, but I know that I'm probably just used to being fat and seeing fat bodies. I don't think I've ever felt my tailbone before.

I'm trying to be involved with vegan stuff in the area, but it's all but impossible without transportation. There's an animal sanctuary at which I'm unable to volunteer over in the next town  :( Someone from the vegan mailing list alerted me to one in town today, but I'm not sure they take volunteers so I had to e-mail.

Something like a lightbulb has switched on in my head, I am suddenly thinking a lot about having a social life (just a girlfriend, as usual). It is disturbing, distracting, I hate myself for it and I know it is the road to misery...but it seems to have coincided with a decrease in intrusive, obsessive thoughts.

One day at a time. Once I get a job, volunteership, or move to wimmin's land, I will have a change of scenery to occupy my mind.

I take a day off after each strength-training workout to allow my muscles to rest, but that schedule is not really working because I don't start to feel sore until two days after the workout, which is the day of the next workout. I would like to punish myself with more weekly HIIT workouts, but I'm too sore. Gotta get fitter.

Maybe they will have some bales of hay or something for me to lift on that farm.

I finished Carmilla this afternoon. There wasn't really anything lesbian about it.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I don't feel like continuing with my Coursera courses. I'd like to have the knowledge, but I don't want to go to the trouble of listening to and trying to figure out the lectures, which would make it difficult to impossible (depending on the course) to complete the work. I kinda just feel like being a bit more active, and kinda just want to research nutrition and watch raw vegan youtube videos all day. I'm not so interested in being online as much. My decision to take Coursera courses was kind of a bullshity, procrastinatey thing to do anyhow. They probably won't be much help in my job search. When I don't know what to do, I just kind of default to what I'm best at: academics.

I'm having blood sugar issues or something. Not sure what's up. Also, a constant low-grade migraine in the evenings. Not sure about trying to get more magnesium because tracking shows that I've been getting about 80% RDA of magnesium.

I don't want to go to acupuncture anymore. Seems like a waste of time.

I've been slacking on my Vitamin D intake, so today I re-started making a concerted effort to be outside for longer. I'm gonna try for 1-2 hours per day.

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever truly be attracted to another person ever again. This is for two reasons. First, it seems like I was naive about what people were like when young, then suffered a series of letdowns in the past ten years when I became more socially aware, letdowns so effectively huge that I struggle to get over them. For example, I remember watching television dramas as a child and thinking to myself that the cheating, addicted, out-of-control adult characters were unrealistic. I believed that all adults were responsible and mature, and I think that belief survived longer than it should have. Second, the whole concept of mutual attraction between people just seems cheap and maybe even kind of ugly because a: there are complete assholes who share mutual attraction and b: there's like no real unity between human beings and people get attracted to each other for reasons ranging from trifling to disgusting.

Like, how could I like any one person if I don't even like people in general? It seems weird to like ethical vegans, to like smart people, to like open-minded people, etc., without liking people, as if I'm attracted to the abstract rather than the concrete. And if I don't like anyone for being human, the attraction is seems hollow and cheap because it's only through chance that the person has qualities I like, and therefore only through chance that I feel attracted. That person could have been born with an inclination for stupidity, closed-mindedness, religiosity, yuck. She got her character from a lottery. Just like me! It's chilling to think that I could have been born with significant character flaws. I could have come into the world with a propensity for pathological lying. I could have had poor problem-solving skills. I could have been born with a fearful temperament that inclined me to xenophobia and authoritarianism. And worse, I could have been someone who thinks that those are acceptable traits! Just what are human beings that we can come in such a range of personality.   

How can I see relationships as something positive knowing that racists get together and bond over racism in their relationships? Even murderers have relationships. I once saw this show about a prison in which a staff member was attracted to one of the most inveterately violent inmates, a guy who was continuously assaulting the guards. What the hell is that?? Do I have the same kind of thing inside of me as this person? Am we just variations on the same theme? Christians become attracted to each other because they share their b.s. patriarchal religion and their relationship is partially about bonding over its ridiculous mythology. There are feeders getting into relationships because they enjoy making their partners obese. The mere idea of being a part of the same species as other people is revolting sometimes. I don't wanna do the stuff they do; I don't wanna be like them. But I do and I am in many ways, and when I think about relationships this way, as a similarity, it is gross. 

I know that this is a self-defeating, overly-philosophical way to approach life. It would be better to just focus on individual people with whom I come into contact, rather than making comparisons to ever human and every human trait I've ever encountered. Better to go by instincts when it comes to attraction. Yet, it sticks with me. I think that part of the problem is having WAY too much access to other people. I kind of wish that I had read and watched less content from other people, and I definitely wish that I had participated in internet forums FAR less. I would be happier if I knew LESS about other people. It seems very unnatural and even unhealthy to be exposed to so many strangers, especially in the context of so little close interpersonal relationships. All the stuff I've seen and read churns through my mind, resisting my attempts to make sense of it, and it comes crowding into my consciousness when I think about things having to do with other people. Too much generic contact with random people, not enough quality, specific contact. 

What I need to do is not think of attraction as something that other people do. Not think so much about other people at all. I have my own unique attraction-like sort of thing that needn't be viewed as having anything to do with other people and their fetishes, prejudices, shallow physical requirements, emotional immaturity, and desire for fellow nutcases with whom to share their warped, unrealistic ideologies. But it's not easy to maintain such a perspective. The parallels are just too clear. Just like those Christians want to find other Christians with whom to share Christianity, I want to find another ethical vegan with whom to share ethical veganism. They aren't such different things.

Think I'll have trouble falling asleep tonight.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
So I set up the software that forces computer breaks to limit me to four hours of computer usage per day. It's gonna cut me off in about fifteen minutes.

After an agonizing search, I found my vehicle title this afternoon. I'm donating the van to the Breast Cancer society or whatever it's called, and I have an appointment for them to pick it up on May 1st. I'm not happy about the fact that I have to be there, but I'll be relieved to have it off my hands.

I was finally motivated enough to look through my OkCupid matches today. One thing that's always confused me about that site is that people seem so casual (as they do on one or two others, but I've spent the most time on OkC, so it's in the forefront of my mind as an example). Like, they don't describe what they want in their profiles, or say outright that they aren't sure what they want from the site, or want to do something really random and shallow like hang out for coffee, or there's barely any text in the profile at all. It's as if a good chunk of the "gay woman" userbase just signed up yesterday and haven't filled everything out yet or filled stuff out hastily. I feel slightly out of place because my profile seems so serious in comparison.

I seriously have no understanding of casual social interaction. My social orientation is very black-and-white: either I want someone to be a stable fixture in my life, or I want no contact with that person. I don't understand how people get anything out of hanging out with acquaintances. It can be amusing for some moments, but it's nowhere near fulfilling enough to pursue for it's own sake. I don't know acquaintances and they don't know me, so what is the interaction based on? How would we connect except by pure chance? It's just a random moment in time, useful only for putting together with other pieces to get the complete picture of someone's personality.

I'm also kind of icked out by the number of womyn who are looking for random sex. I guess I kind of did that myself because I hadn't known any of the people I've had sex with for a long time before we had sex, but I've never and would never try to meet people with the specific intention of having sex with them as complete strangers and nothing more. I was hoping for a relationship with three (and was egged on by my therapist despite not being ready), and the other, my first, was a youthful experiment.

So, I'm done for the night and I'm gonna go read about autism.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
It does not work.

What I Did

Apr. 6th, 2015 11:26 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Had a terrible day all day yesterday. Woke up with a migraine that got much worse (it probably didn't help that I didn't get up and eat when I should have) and lasted all day. I still have remnants of it now. I kept trying to get up and use the computer, but looking at the screen just made the pain worse again and I had to lie back down, so I was bored for much of the day.

There was pretty much nothing to eat, so I had to drag myself out of the bed (which caused a sudden stab of pain on the right side of my head so dizzying it almost took me down), shower, dress, and eat. I stood in the shower staring at nothing and clutching the bath towel to my chest like a zombie for a while, but I made it out and biked to Wal-Mart, where I bought Amy's enchilada meal, Amy's gluten-free dairy-free burrito, some packaged lettuce, a can of organic pinto beans, and Wal-Mart's pico de gallo.

Normally, I try to take it easy the day after a 24-hour migraine because it's usually right on the verge of returning if I do too much, but I needed some groceries and chanced a trip out of town.

Tomorrow (which I was supposed to do today), I have to go in and get blood work preparatory to my appointment with my new VA primary care doctor. That's two bus rides one way. I should be going to bed and sleeping off the last of this migraine, but sleep is boring. 

I'm in a good mood because I joined a dating site for people on the spectrum this evening. The mere fact that such a thing exists, is functional and attracting members is cheering. It is such a relief to not be so worried about how I word my profile. Maybe that's all in my head and I should be worried. I want to invite more people, but I guess if I knew sufficient people to be of any marketing help, I probably wouldn't be on the site in the first place, lol.

The site is new and was created by a mother and daughter who are on the spectrum. It includes a matching system based on a rather long questionnaire that includes a lot of familiar questions. I think they were copied verbatim from the AQ. The matching system hasn't yet been explained, and I don't have many matches yet. Amongst my matches, I see a lot of people who have just joined yesterday and today.
improperlyhuman: (dyke)
Somehow, I landed on the website of a lesbian dating coach:

6 Steps to Attracting Love was on the first page, so I skimmed through it. It seemed boring and simplistic until I reached the visualization exercise at the end. Seems like it could be a good idea, but, on the other hand, I'm a bit afraid of doing it.

Over the past couple of days, I've found that thinking about girlfriends seems to be like thinking about being housed when I was homeless: it makes my current situation more difficult to deal with. Something about comparing the two, I suppose. That exercise might do me good by introducing more positive thoughts and thinking habits into my mind (goddess knows that I need some), but it will also make it difficult for me to focus on the good aspects of my single life. When I start thinking about things I want, I fixate on them a's either fixate or distract myself. I was fixing up my profile today and I ended up on the site for hours. I didn't want to bother to switch my attention to something else, even though I disliked skipping my daily vocabulary studies and recognized that I was wasting time.

As I went through the steps, I noticed my mental resistance to the visualization. I've actively avoided such thoughts in the past because I didn't want to be upset by them, to give myself false hope, to get carried away from reality by glimmering mirages.

I know that I cannot trust mainstream advice and psychological stuff because I do not have mainstream goals or, more importantly, a typical personal situation. Maybe I can customize the way I perform the exercise so that it isn't so psychologically dangerous.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Two evenings ago, I watched an incredible movie entitled The Cabin in The Woods. It started (starts? is the convention to talk about movies in the present or past tense?) off like yet another dull, predictable, group-of-attractive-young-people-ignore-ominous-signs-and-go-hang-out-in-a-creepy-remote location, only-to-be-slashed-to-bits-one by-one modern horror movie. However, this familiar stuff is interspersed with curious scenes from some sort of professional company that turns out to be monitoring the doomed youngsters.

Damn. I don't even have the energy to finish this right now.

Anyways, I called my case manager's supervisor and left a message asking if I could get a new case manager. She didn't return my call, but I think that she alerted my case manager because I've received two text messages from the latter, which I have not and do not want to read. I haven't a damn thing to say to her, with her crappy communication and barely legible text messages and invariably staticy phone calls.

Day before yesterday, one of my neighbors randomly knocked on my door and seemed to be on the verge of offering me tamales? WTF. I said that I didn't really like them, which was sort of a lie. I wish they would leave me the hell alone; they are making me uncomfortable. I can't recall ever having had neighbors who make this much of an attempt at "niceness," or whatever the hell they are up to.

An hour or so ago, one of the library volunteers stopped dead in her tracks about three feet from me, her eyes on my screen as I searched IMBD for lesbian movies. When I looked over at her, she moved about awkwardly and mumbled something that had an apologetic ring to it. I wanted to know what the hell that was about.

I made another pot of delicious vegetable and rice soup earlier today, and I can't wait to arrive home and have another bowl. I've been here at the library plowing away at my overdue vocabulary words for about two and a half hours.

I watched half of Desert Hearts this morning. It made me nostalgic for active lesbianism (right now, I'm in passive lesbian mode), but I know that dating is a fool's game. Romance is a little bit better, but still not really worth much effort. I'm very fortunate that I rarely feel lonely. Another reason to love the bejeesus out of myself.

I can be content with my movies and other crap in my life.

Dear Me

Oct. 31st, 2014 12:58 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I stayed at the college all night last night. I just wasn't feeling the routine of biking all the way out to camp and setting up my tarp, only to toss and turn all night, spend hours struggling to get up, dressed, and fed, in the suddenly-arrived morning, and then have my stress levels elevated by the necessity of sneaking out in the late morning or early afternoon while trying to not break a sweat. I'd brought sufficient clothing to keep warm, so I just hid out near the gym and mucked about on youtube all damned night. No doubt this was facilitated by the box full of chocolate cherry bars I'd eaten.

After I left the college library this morning, I stopped at the cafe next door for some snacks. One of the students who works there called me "dear" as she handed me my change. What is that? Was that supposed to be something? The only people who platonically call other adults "dear" are elderly people, right? She can't be beyond her twenties. Was she flirting with me?

A few weeks ago, she randomly said hello to me as I sat in the library lobby eating a snack. That took me by surprise because I did not recognize her right away, and, even when I placed her as a cafe employee, I wasn't sure that I was correct. Because I don't look at people...enough. The greeting seemed to represent more interest than I would have expected...but perhaps I misjudge it. I don't often get greeted by acquaintances because I don't have many acquaintances. I asked her if I knew her as she walked away. She apparently misheard and replied that she was fine. She was moving far out of my voice projection range by then, so I gave up and ended the exchange. It was like a scene from some crap romantic comedy. Not to imply that there are any non-crappy romantic comedies.

Flirting is damned stupid. And a waste of time.

I feel like an ass putting this under the "love" tag, but it's the one that fits. Maybe it's time for a "social confusion" tag.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Going to live in France and trying to have a relationship with astramance was a mistake. It's very difficult for me to think of it fully as a mistake because a lot of it was a good experience, because astramance played a part in the decision, and because I know that some things can't truly be seen for what they are until one experiences them; they are lessons that cannot be bypassed. So I'm calling it 50% a mistake.

Before I made the decision, and as I was making the decision, I had alarms going off in my head, telling me that it wouldn't work (the whole episode is one of the reasons I keep reminding myself to follow my social instincts). I thought that I knew what I wanted in a partner fairly well, or at least enough to recognize when it wasn't present, but I wasn't completely sure due to lack of experience. Even stronger than that uncertainty was the suspicion that my tastes in womyn were too narrow. I had a small fear that I could have been missing out on a great relationship due to my own narrowminded-ness.

I was also slightly afraid that I would be missing out on living a full life in general because I was (and still am) so adamant about which experiences, social experiences particularly, I would abide and which I would not. Problem is, when I try to deal with this, I've a tendency to swing to the other extreme and go with the flow to the extent of being thrown over a waterfall. It's difficult for me to co-operate and compromise when it comes to what I will do; I'm quite unaccustomed to it, so I was perhaps not as discerning as I normally would have been in a generic social sense.

Before astramance arrived in the states, I had made a weak, vague promise to myself not to be hasty. A day or so in, I straight-up told her that we would probably only be friends. Then, something happened. We hung out together, and I had fun. Something in me softened, and the thoughts in the preceding paragraph began to swirl about in my head. I suspect that, at that time, I thought that my lack of interest had faded, my type-of-womyn requirements had softened by exposure. In hindsight, I suspect that what had actually softened was my social anxiety (which I had a not-insignificant measure of, being that we'd never met in-person before and I was long out of practice socially), so that I had a better time than expected, and mistook this general pleasure for enjoyment of astramance's company in particular.

This was all, of course, exacerbated by the distance between us, which made it impossible to engage in any proper dating. In hindsight, there should have been a longer period of Skype dating.

Also, due to lack of experience, I had little idea of how intense my feelings would or should be to sustain a relationship. That's not quite how I want to frame that, but I'm too lazy to figure out a better way to express it. It was definitely due to lack of experience, however, that I was willing to just jump in; I knew that I didn't know what was ahead, and, more importantly, I knew that I couldn't know what was ahead without trying it. I'd never do something like that now.

I just wish that my experiment had not involved astramance's feelings. That's the worst of it all; the content of the overwhelming majority of my regret. For myself, I cannot really feel regret. It was like eating something delicious that gave me a bit of a stomachache later on. Stomachache, so what? It tasted so damned good, and the good sticks out in my mind like rainbows and crisp white linen cracking in the breeze. Because astramance is astramance.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I finally filled out my Compatible Partners profile today. I even uploaded some pictures. I was uncomfortable using my real name, though. I was so impressed with the site (plus I actually had some matches right away), that I plan to purchase a membership when I get housed.

I'm tired of not being able to relate to anyone/anything.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
More and more, I give up on trying to act normal. To hell with all of it. I feel excited, like my life is starting over, because I will be making a conscious effort to live it according to what's best for me, what doesn't tire me out, make me uncomfortable or over-whelmed. Yesterday evening, I was suffused with hope as I composed some edits for my OkCupid profile. I didn't expect to get any more attention than I already do, but I expected that I was taking effective steps to making sure that the attention I do get is of better quality.

And then I got to the library today and that warm light of hopeful excitement just dissipated. I read over what I'd written and was struck with how positively odd it must make me seem. That is not bad in and of itself, I just don't feel that I have any space to be odd. I feel like other people can get away with it, those default people, but I'm too different already in other people's eyes, and any more difference will not be tolerated, will be too much to bother with, will not get me a second glance. Kind of a vague suspicion, but quite unpleasant.

Also, I happened across a blog post directed towards men with Asperger's Syndrome. It was about dealing with their wives' and girlfriends' feelings. I'm not quite sure what it did to me — it bothered me somehow that the list of ways not to respond included actions that I do and positively feel that I need to do sometimes, and "don't try to explain, just listen" Mars vs. Venus-type crap, and it was intended for men, and I'm not a man. Something about all of that is depressing vis-a-vis dating. I think that I used to assume that womyn would be more like me if they just stopped conforming. For some time now, I've been suspecting that that assumption is WAY the hell off. The blog post brought this back to mind.

The mental health insurance rep called me back yesterday afternoon with a list of providers, and told me that I could make appointments with them directly (as opposed to seeking a referral from primary care). There are two people on the list who are probably women, so I will call them first. I have written up a list of screening questions, including a request of consent to audio record any sessions we have. No more will I let shrinks get away with putting falsehoods and misinterpretations into my records.
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