improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My mom, sister, and nephew just left. They're still homeless. They drove quite a ways. three or so towns, just to get a shower, and my mom didn't get a full one because it's late and she has to drive my sister to work tomorrow.

I once again suggested that my sister get a gym membership. She said that she can't get one because she doesn't have a checking account. She said she got tired of her checking account because it got hacked and the bank lost her money. Multiple times. Wth? So she accesses her money through a prepaid debit card, which the gym won't accept.

She also said the local homeless shelter stopped allowing daily walk-in showers. And that the shelter is moving towards serving men more. They're not allowing families anymore! What the hell is that? Why prioritize grown ass men over children?!

I just had an idea and texted her: Keep only a small amount of money in a checking account.

I'm angry about the homeless shelter situation in this country. Children, females, the disabled, and the elderly should get first dibs, and womyn should not be thrown out in the street for complaining about the men who are now being allowed in womyn's shelters. I hate people so damned much.

I only worked about three hours today, yet I have a headache from staring at the computer screen.

Seems like my sleep aids aren't working anymore. Until recently, I couldn't have said why I've been having trouble sleeping. Now, however, I clearly notice myself jerking awake as a worrisome thought crosses my mind. I still have a terrible unconscious habit of morbidly reminding myself of various types of suffering and abuse I've heard about.

Speaking of the unconscious, I've pretty much finished reading Quenk's book about inferior function drama. The information confirmed my type (INTP); I could relate to the INTP inferior function experience (extraverted Feeling), but not the INTJ experience (extraverted Sensing).

Previously, I'd thought that my little pR0n overindulgence problem was an Se inferior "grip," but I now think that was an isolated incident with a different explanation. Come to think of it, that time I spent eating myself into obesity in France could be interpreted as an Se grip experience...but meh. The explanation of the problem doesn't matter as much as the solution.

And I think the relationship between Myers-Briggs theory and the unconscious may be able to help me find the solution to my insomnia because I seem to be unconsciously keeping myself awake. Or maybe sub-consciously is the word. Too bad the shitty therapist couldn't help me. Anyways, it is helping with my social problems.

So I've earned nearly $500 in the past three days (which is unheard of for me), and I am so relieved. $700 in the bank is a very real cushion for someone in my position, and I can allow myself modest little indulgences (like a five-dollar book off of ebay) without guilt and worry.

At this moment I am quite tired but don't feel myself able to sleep.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Only a little, however. I will stick to walking for a while.

I left my ex-shrink a voicemail six days ago, and she called me about it today, an hour before our old appointment time. I bet she just today listened to the voicemail, probably just before the appointed time. Every time I showed up, she was fiddling with her smart phone and seemingly not quite ready to start the session.

Today I received an email verifying my enrollment in the editing certificate program. Now I need to figure out how I'll afford books. I should have taken care of this months ago, but I procrastinated because I felt bad asking DOR for yet more financial assistance.

I was reading through a job post today when I thought of another thing I should be doing with clients, and I had another of those Completely Overwhelmed moments I sometimes (too often) have with respect to my career. I ended up looking into QA testing again (on It seems this would not be a good career choice because I would have to keep up with new coding shit. I've only heard about developers having to keep up with new languages and frameworks, and that was enough to make me feel tired.

I have been trying to figure out how to contact university presses and offer my editorial services. Such a (seemingly) simple task that has gone so long undone. I hardly have anything to recommend me, however, so I don't see myself getting hired.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I made about $260 dollars yesterday and gave myself a mild headache (or, rather, staring at MS Word did) editing a research proposal for nearly 10 hours. I treated myself to some books to celebrate.

My goddamned Word Add-In left a shitload of highlighted words in the client's document. It looked chaotic. I thought the highlighting was supposed to be visible only while checking the document, not an actual change in formatting. I somehow didn't notice and returned the document to the client, who was confused. I tried to fix the document, but Word kept crashing, then I started to panic because I didn't want to make a poor showing for someone who was paying me so much, but the client said she could fix the colors herself. Whew.

She wouldn't allow me to use her paper in my portfolio, however. I wonder what the hell kind of confidentiality concerns a person could have about a damned social sciences research proposal.

My backbrush has been broken for weeks, and my back is getting filthy. I've been wanting to order a new brush from the same German company that manufactured my scrub brush and toilet bowl brush, but it costs over twenty dollars, twenty-six with shipping and handling. I only had $100 in checking. Thanks to this job, however, I'll be able to afford it. I'm happy.

The research described in the proposal was in part about decreasing racial discrimination against minorities on online freelancer platforms. Surprise! I was like, hey, this group of research subjects sounds familiar...

Then I read that some of the solutions considered involved somehow increasing the hire rate for racial minorities (not just stopping racial discrimination), and I wondered whether the client had hired me because of this.

When I submitted a proposal for this job, the rate tip feature suggested that I bid about $3.14 more than my usual hourly rate. I took a chance and did just that, so I earned my highest ever hourly rate on this job. I was surprised that I got hired (most clients don't even respond to my proposals, and my hourly rate is not low). These events made me wonder all the more whether I was an AA hire.

I don't think AA hiring is bad; it just makes me feel strange to be given opportunities that way.

I've found that the way to sleep restfully through the night is to take two sleeping pills. No fatigue or brain fog whatsoever today, despite my having stayed up until two A.M. working last night. I couldn't have gotten more than seven hours of sleep.

I do feel that my energy balance is still a bit delicate, so I'm taking it easy with chores. I'm hoping to ease back into exercising, starting with walking. I think I'll cancel my doctor's appointment.

One of the books I ordered is about managing "shadow functions," aka inferior functions (in Myers-Briggs terms). As I detailed in a recent post about my feelings about unity amongst people, my Fe seems to be making herself known, and I need to do something about it to manage the unpleasant emotions that are being stirred up.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I think that I'm an INTP. I've been suspecting this for a while, but I've been having difficulty grasping the functions (which would allow me to verify my type), so I've just been sort of ignoring the issue every time it comes to mind.

I keep scoring INTJ on tests (including the ones in books). I think the problem is that I score INTJ from a dichotomies perspective (I vs. E, N vs. S, etc.), but INTP from the perspective of cognitive functions (Ne vs. Ni, Te vs. Ti, etc.).

I've never strongly related to the supposed INTJ getting-things-doneness. I didn't notice that so much when I was younger because I was more productive and actually involved in accomplishing things. More recently, I considered that my lack of productivity (particularly professional/academic productivity, the dimension I notice as I contrast myself with other INTJs) was due to my being largely uninvested in the workings of this society/an anarchist (also the possibility of class privilege. oh, and I keep forgetting that I'm disabled!).

But now I see that I'm not terribly productive with my own hobbies. I care more about understanding than creating a product. I think the drive to produce explains why the INTJs seem more willing than I am to engage others (IRL) despite their introversion; they need to engage to produce, but I don't need to engage to understand. They seem more practical.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to be a computer programmer despite my disinclination to program outside of the structure of a course. (Part of the disconnect is that, starting at the intermediate level, the path of a programmer is learning by example and trial and error, which I dislike and find difficult.) I don't care about creating programs so much as I enjoy figuring out the logic of an algorithm. This accords with INTP descriptions.

I would like to purchase a copy of Introduction to Type (which was written by one of the creators of the MBTI). I hope that this book will give me the understanding of the theory I need to verify my type. It costs almost six dollars. I have eighty or ninety dollars. I shouldn't...

My fatigue today was worse than yesterday despite my being further removed from Sunday's workout. I had to have some caffeine. So now I won't be able to sleep.

I Had To

Jun. 26th, 2017 11:11 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I feel quite good today. I'm giving myself time to rest rather than jumping back into my exercise routine or chores as soon as I start to feel better. Perhaps I will take another week off. I have stopped drinking caffeine; I suspect it's responsible for my water retention (and misshapen ankles). I still have most of my same old problems today, but I feel at peace because I'm so relieved to not have brain fog.

I revised the single punctuation error I committed on my editing test and was accepted as a contractor. The pay rates are low (and more abysmal with increasing word count), but I can mitigate against that somewhat by completing rush jobs only. I am trying to keep in mind that I only need to save up a bit to move away; then I can pursue traditional employment (I hope).

I'm kind of dying for something to read here. I don't feel like going through my volumes on classic sci-fi or old school lesbian/"variant" lit to  choose my next novel. I want to read Gifts Differing to understand the Myers-Briggs typology better, but the shitty library doesn't own a copy and I can't really afford the four dollars an ebay copy will cost me. Hell, maybe I'll just buy it anyways. I always blow a few dollars here and there when I'm crazy broke and things always work out in the end anyways.

The local book store will be closed for another two weeks. I have Treasure Island and a couple of volumes of gothic fiction. I have (what I think is) the latest of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, but I've grown rather tired of Lestat, all the vampiric drama, and the huge cast of characters.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
It doesn't work anymore. For example, I had two Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars and half a Red Bull yesterday, and I was still hella tired. But I dragged myself up for that workout anyhow. I had a double dose of Vitamin D3 today. Still tired. I suppose Vitamin D3 doesn't work so fast that I'd notice it in a matter of hours anyhow.

Good news, though: My concentration has much improved. Racing, anxious thoughts have decreased somewhat. It seems I'm able to read a bit again, so I've ordered my next selection of old school lesbian fiction: The Haunting at Hill House.

I'm trying harder to save up to move away, so I'll be taking the shuttle to go grocery shopping. Yesterday in the shower I suddenly saw that I'd be better off saving up the money I spend on the taxi service for some good earphones. On second thought, I think the best are Bose, and they cost like three hundred dollars.

I told the shrink my concerns about delving into my dysfunctional childhood, and that dissipated my hesitation quite a bit. We talked about it and it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd feared, largely because we didn't go into detail. These books on the topic, I'm about through with them because I can't strongly relate. My childhood didn't mess me up so badly.

I coulda swore I just saw little stars swirling around out of the corner of my eye.

I eat so much nowadays, it is ridiculous. Wouldn't it be funny if I put on so much muscle that I couldn't comfortably feed myself on food stamps? Ha.

The shrink was surprised when I told her that my parents were criminals. I think she thought that I came from money, lol. She said that she imagined that my dad was a successful businessman and ran a traditional family. Nope. Long ways from traditional we were. My parents weren't even married.

I feel at peace today. I really decided to stop worrying about what I might be missing and how weird I might seem, it is really setting in. Thinking it was just the first step; I had to let it percolate in my sub-conscious a bit.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
6 billion years after I asked for educational assistance, my voc rehab counselor finally sent my employment plan. Now all I have to do (I think) to start receiving services is sign it.

I'm now hesitant to go through with this editing certificate because I can't see myself selling my editing services for the rest of my career, and I don't want to waste the money on the course. The more time goes by, the simpler the job I want so that I can focus on other aspects of life and avoid stress.

I walked again this evening, for about one and three fourths of an hour. I feel sore and exhausted, and I don't understand why. It's just walking. Not even my weightlifting workouts leave me feeling this beat up. My back's been hurting at the end of the walks too! Such bullshit.

I scored a full-length mirror for three dollars at a yard sale this morning. All the better to support my vanity.

I need to figure out where I can dump my one bag of trash each month so that I can cancel my garbage service.

I'm having red lentils as if it were hot cereal, sweet with my homemade applesauce and a bit of extra cinnamon. It's not tasty/sweet enough to totally mask the bean flavor.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I was carrying three bags and one backpack full of groceries. I was tired. To get to the public transportation center faster, I cut across an empty, overgrown lot, when, lo and behold, I find that the asshole city had put up a gate blocking the way.

I crawled under it.

I can't see any reason for this gate besides making shit more complicated for people who are on foot, which makes no sense given that those are the very people most likely to be going to take the bus.

The center is already a pain to get to, blocked on two of it's four sides by a wall and a field so overgrown and uneven you'd risk a turned ankle crossing it. I've found that the way cities are set up tends to favor motorists. I hate it.

The taxi ride cost way more than I'd expected based on a longer trip someone at the company had quoted me. He'd said that trip would cost something like sixty to seventy-five dollars. At around twenty fewer miles, my trip cost ninety-one! So I used up all my scrip and had no choice but to take the bus home.

The taxi ride had taken longer than anticipated, and I finally got down to shopping too late to catch the afternoon bus. The evening bus never showed up, so I ended up stranded. With a migraine. And low blood sugar. I had $313. $65 of that had to go to a cab. So my financial situation is becoming crucial.

This morning, I called the agency through which I'd hoped to get a telecommuting job. They only recruit for phone-based jobs. Perfect! The person to whom I spoke did direct me to a job board they run, and there are some good leads there. I didn't get the chance to go through them much though, because random fatigue hit again. So I hit the sleeping bag for a nap, stayed too long, then low blood sugar hit again. Such is my life.

I'm not eating much, yet I hardly ever feel very hungry. It's as if my body is compensating for restricted calories by restricting my energy instead of burning fat.

Yeah, I find it generally good to be small. I save money by shopping in the kids' clothing sections, I save money on laundry because more of my clothes fit into a single load. But you know what I like about it the most? Thom let me sit on her lap. I miss that. Maybe again someday.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
My back feels much better.

I deadlifted 135 lbs. today. Deadlift progress isn't coming so easily any more, and it is becoming more dangerous for my back. Time to revisit form.

I'm eager to see if I make more gainz on my high protein diet.

Tomorrow I will contact the agency that helps disabled people get telecommuting jobs. I sooo hope they have something for me. I have less than three hundred dollars to my name and no work in sight. Not only do I want to move away from here asap, I want to purchase a rowing machine because spinning is boring and I need more cardio.

This is gorgeous. I haven't looked at the price yet. I like to watch water sloshing around, so that'll make the machine that much more non-boring than the spinning bike. Too bad there is no cardio machine that comes with the equivalent of a top-load washer for me to watch.

Hmm maybe time for me to get some new icons.

improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
I once again complained to the housing authority about the non-functional heating in my apartment. My housing tech had sent the housing inspector out here, and he'd told me that something would be done about the heating, but nothing has happened.

My housing tech told me that the landlord had told her that the heating unit worked but maybe heated only the room it's in (why that is acceptable, I don't know). That's a lie; I can't feel any heat from that thing standing on the other side of the living room and the temperature is quite low.

The shady slumlord had told me he was looking for a new heater, then he comes with this lie. He came to the apartment and checked the heater himself!

And what the hell was the inspector supposed to do? Presumably my housing tech sent him over; he didn't check the heater at all, just told me something would be done, yet the housing tech has the idea that the heater works.

Now it's past working hours so I can't even get this resolved today. Soooo frustrated.

I also went to buy taxi scrip today. I don't want to suffer another trip on that goddamned shuttle and I need to go pick up my hair clippers and other stuff I left at my ex-friend's house when I was homeless. Because I qualified for ADA paratransit, I have access to taxi service at a discounted rate. I also qualify for a doubly discounted ($20 per $100 worth of taxi service) rate because I'm low-income.

The first time I went in, the clerk tried to sell me the scrip at the non-low-income rate ($40) because she didn't recognize the new ADA card. So I called the mobility office, someone sorted it out, and I went back a bit later.

Then the clerk told me that the scrip is quarterly and would expire at the end of this month (and is non-refundable)! I hadn't known that. I plan to use it to go grocery shopping next month, so I don't need it now, but she didn't know when the new scrip would be in because the mobility office doesn't send it over on any particular day. Nice. So now I can't plan my trip. I'll probably need to schedule the taxi ahead of time.

Ok, I just called one of the taxi services and the guy said that I wouldn't have to call ahead of time. I think he said the trip I want would cost $65-$75 dollars' worth of scrip. Actually, it'll be more than that because I forgot how far I have to go. Shit. shit shit shitty situation. middle of nowhere with shitty transportation, shitty apartment, and shitty, over-priced amenities. And windy as all hell out here. I had to scuttle today's cycling plans.

Well food stamp day is the second of the month, a Sunday, so I won't be able to take the regular shuttle on top of not being able to take a taxi. I think the farmer's market has started back up; I'll check that out and, I hope. find some reasonably priced organic produce there. First I have to find out if they take food stamps, then I have to find out where the hell it is. I may have to cross the damned highway to get to it.

At the farmer's markets they give out these huge yellow tokens for people with food stamps to exchange for food. I really don't like dealing with it but I sure do like getting that farm fresh produce. And I don't feel comfortable with people around here knowing that I use food stamps. People can be resentful and stuff.

I can't even afford that $20 for taxi scrip but that shuttle is killing me. Obamaphone2 at top volume with my headphones is not loud enough to block out the talking; ear plugs + ear defenders don't block it out. I need my hair clippers because I can't afford to go the barber. My own haircutting work doesn't look much worse than hers.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Has it really been three days since I last posted? Doesn't seem like it.

Life is becoming a mess. My PG&E bill is over two hundred dollars. I only have about four hundred to my name. I received a 15-day notice to pay $159 or face shutoff. No response yet from the agency to which I applied for financial assistance.

Tomorrow I'm going to inform the housing authority about the landlord's failure to fix or replace the heater, but that won't fix the immediate situation with the electricity bill. I turned on the broken heater this evening and for a while I thought it had begun to work, but it's just so cold in here that the warmish air felt hotter than it actually is.

I'm still not getting much work. I've branched out to  craigslist. I keep getting invitations for writing jobs. I can write, but I'm primarily an editor. Most of the available jobs are vague or involve ridiculous expectations. Today, yet another one of my clients refused to allow me to add the work I did to my portfolio, so my portfolio is still bare-bones.

Still struggling to concentrate on things, but, well, that's for a good reason. Really, I've done enough reading and studying in my life. It's time for me to add some other things. I really miss being a musician.

But I do have work-related things I should be reading, and I'm slacking on that even more than recreational reading. I haven't really accomplished anything in quite some time. Bedroom's a mess, kitchen and bathroom are messy. I make sure to lift those weights 3 times a week, eat roughly every three hours, pay my Internet and garbage bills, and that's about all that gets done. Well, I fix my computer problems as well.

I was so happy to find those radical sub-reddits, yet I find myself not participating. I see now that I didn't really want to discuss theory and politics so much as I wanted socialization with radicals. The subs aren't very active, and they are filled with articles, articles about womyn's abuse and political differences and stuff I've already thought about too much and don't really need more of, given my penchant for morbid thoughts.

I want to know how to deal with people who are not anarchists. Knowing that people want centralized authority to continue is very disturbing. Not so much the violent and destructive people and the people who don't give a shit about anyone; I expect that from them. The caring people and the ok people are the ones I think about.

Even if they just thought anarchy was totally impractical, but still wanted it, that would be so much better. The investment people seem to have in centralized government and industrialized society is chilling. I'm like, how could you want to this racist, misogynistic, materialistic world to continue? How are you ok with people having this level of power over you? Maybe it's just my own impression.

I know they don't see it the way I do, but to me they are saying that they want my oppression to continue. That's a rough thing to face. I know some people don't know much about and haven't really considered anarchy, but it doesn't feel right to simply think of people as ignorant. The only way I can relate even a bit is to not think about political differences, but it's a thin and dissatisfying relating.

My politics are super important to me. I don't really care about trifling shit like gay marriage and voter ID; I have life-and-death politics. My politics are so important to me that they've driven a wedge (in addition, I guess, to the wedges that were already there) between me and other people.

I made my first hemp protein smoothie a few days ago, and it wasn't as disgusting as I'd feared. I dislike viscous beverages.

So I've been thinking about applying for Social Security again. My proof is still thin (none of it suggests that I cannot work), but it's more than I had last time. I got that audiology diagnosis and a GAD diagnosis. SPD diagnosis probably isn't useful. The things that incapacitate me the most, migraines and fatigue, are the things for which I'll never be able to get diagnoses.

I watched this movie Evolution about a week ago. Kids were being used as incubators, and there was a horrible scene in which a dead boy lay on an examination table with a slit in his belly, presumably because harvesting the organism killed him. Kind of wish I hadn't seen that.

My skin is doing worse again. I tried some African black soap made from ash (rather than lye) on my back/upper arms, and it apparently doesn't work. As for my face, I'm not sure whether the problem is my slacking on the oil cleansing method or what.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Super bored this evening.  I spent today studying grammar and trying to fix software that Debian downloaded but failed to configure. I've got two stacks of novels here that I looked through, but the ones I haven't read yet seem pretty boring. "Pretty boring" needs to be understood in light of my difficulty focusing. I finally decided on Prince Lestat by Anne Rice. Maybe I can get into the vampire thing again.

I'd hoped to re-join wind band once I'd moved here, but transportation out of town is much too expensive. That's too bad because I really need to get out of the apartment. And I'm ready to get out of the apartment. But I wouldn't have anywhere to practice anyhow. I must be terribly rusty.

So I decided what that other blog is going to be about, enough to start it up, anyways. I think I'll do that tonight, since I probably won't be able to fall asleep for a while.

Today I watched an hour-long interview about weight loss for females with Lyle McDonald, who has researched and written several books about weight loss and fitness. Recently newly devoted to my diet, I've decided to eat at maintenance one or two days per week to avoid having my hormones and metabolism crash. That should coincide with the days I cycle hard.

I need some new weights for my barbell row, but I can't afford the shipping and handling charges. Hell, I actually shouldn't be buying the weights themselves. I'm down about it. If only I could get some more work!

I've considered leaving the money situation up to fortune and just buying the weights regardless of my financial situation because lifting is so important to me, and goddess knows I need it in my life. I'll probably end up cutting back on barbell rows because I can't deal with the loud clanging of the weights I currently have, which, I've discovered, fit poorly on the bar.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
When I first called the housing authority about this apartment, I was told that my share of rent would be zero. Today I received a letter from the housing authority indicating that my share of rent is twenty-eight dollars. More money I don't have.

There's no work available through my usual avenue, probably because of the time of year. I signed up with another freelancing website, a much classier one that won't require me to search for and bid on jobs. I'm also planning to set up a professional website and seek my own customers.

I kept thinking about that neuropsych assessment I had in Berkeley. I know that I probably contributed a bit to that schizoid misdiagnosis by lying. On the first of the two I spent taking the Wechsler, the administrator paused and asked me how I was doing. I had a moderately severe migraine and was fatigued. My blood sugar was also probably low. But I said that I felt fine!

There's a small amount of wiggle room in which that lie wasn't totally voluntary. I of course wasn't thinking straight—this suddenly seems absurd to say given that I scored so highly—or quickly. I automatically say "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing because I know they probably don't really care and are simply following social convention. That habit may have come into play during the assessment.

I remember the gears of my tired brain grinding for a bit before tardily coming up with the possibility that the administrator wanted a more accurate and specific answer. I remember struggling to figure out whether I should say something more about how I felt, struggling to gear up the internal mechanisms necessary to produce speech. But she continued before I could do anything more.

I sort of got carried away by the flow of her interaction and couldn't manage to interrupt her. Something similar happened during my SSI hearing. After I told the judge (who was pushy) that I lived in a van and had oatmeal for breakfast, she asked two questions in a row, something like: "How do you eat oatmeal? Do you have cooking facilities?"

I answered the second question by telling her that I had a camping stove. However, in the space of time it took me to see that her questions were connected, and she assumed that I cooked the oatmeal on the camping stove (I actually at it uncooked, just like I do now with oat bran), I couldn't get my act together fast enough to correct her, and was carried away by her bulldozing on with the questioning. I'm sure that cooking made me seem more able than I was. My difficulty with conversation actually made me less likely to be approved for SSI. That whole invisible disabilities thing again.

So I lied about feeling ok during the neuropsych assessment. In later sessions of the especially, I know that I had an unusually flat affect due to how badly I was feeling, but my not letting on about how badly I was feeling probably contributed to the administrator (especially the second one) concluding that the flat affect was part of whatever disorder I was dealing with. Of course, her having somehow heard me say things I didn't say and the mis-administration of tests contributed far more to my misdiagnosis, but I guess I had a small role.

A large part of the reason I said that felt fine was pure nerdery: I enjoyed the IQ testing so much that I didn't want to stop. That my poor condition might adversely affect my score did not occur to me.

I'm tired. Is this even consistent? I know that I didn't want to stop the testing, but several paragraphs above, I mention that I tend to thoughtlessly answer "fine" when questioned about how I'm doing. Those two don't seem to jibe. Was the response deliberate or wasn't it? It was largely deliberate, but, after I saw my mistake, my inability to take charge of the conversation and correct it was not deliberate.
improperlyhuman: (trumpet)
I finally dared to check my checking account balance yesterday. Not good. It was down to seven hundred dollars, and as of now is less than that because I had to buy some things for work and some 2.5 lb. weight plates.

I've spent days searching for weight plates that are made in the U.S. and not coated with or made of something that is toxic or potentially toxic. I finally got so overwhelmed today that I forgot which weights I had and had not decided on and bought from Amazon some Ader weights that I assume are safe (being covered in enamel), but probably not U.S.-made (I couldn't find any information about the country of origin). I am at least relieved to be done with that, but I would like some 1.25 lb. weights as well because benching gains are slow to come by.

Getting motivated to bother with people is difficult for me because my experiences have given me no reason to expect to get anything I want out of them.

I finally cut open the bag of buckwheat hulls. I dumped about a third into my pillow case and tied it off. Slept quite well last night, better than I did when I was sleeping on a noisy plastic bag full of hulls.

My skin is looking better. I hope to improve it even more with some special oil I bought (the name of which I cannot remember) that supposedly helps to fad hyperpigmentation.

I used to feel conflicted about treating my hyperpigmentation because of a not-very-explicit sense that any potential love interest who was right for me should care more about my personality than a non-serious skin condition (I've never cared what people in general think of my skin). There were also thoughts of not changing myself for others mixed in there as well.

For a while I flirted with the perspective of treating my skin as a sort of act of caring for a future partner (rather than selling myself out somehow). I had to let that percolate in my semi-conscious mind; it didn't fit in too well in my conscious mind. I guess it has been integrated (along with the idea of not over-thinking everything) because I now have no problem working to improve my skin in the hope that it will help me in the sex&romance department.

I'm also working on it for myself to some extent because having scaly, bleeding skin does not seem healthy and does not feel good. It also motivates my tendency for skin-picking.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Hooray! My Quality Control gig is offering more work. Not as much work as there was last time, but more work was eventually added before, so that may happen again.

I had to fill out an annual review for food stamps, and I'm a bit afraid that the money I earned in February and March may result in a decrease in the amount I receive. The checking account statement I'm going to submit shows that I only made about two hundred and forty dollars in the month social services is asking about, but the statement overlaps months, so it also shows the $860 I made in late February. I get a generous 40% reduction for being self-employed, but they still might knock a couple dozen dollars off, I don't know.

I spent a large portion of today learning CSS3 and Javascript.

I squatted 80 lbs. today. I also discovered that I've been benching with slightly improper form. Once I corrected my form, the weights did not feel as heavy, so I hope to increase my bench weight much faster than I had been progressing.

It's time to stop fighting sleep.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I requested a refurbished HP (with 16 GB of RAM!!! I LIKE RAM ALOT) from Vocational Rehab. I'm not sure they'll come through for me, especially since I haven't even received my ergonomic mouse and keyboard yet. It will certainly be nice to have a legit copy of MS Word. Look at that! Split infinitive. But "Certainly, it will be nice. . ." is awkward.

I passed my editing test!!!! I found out this morning; I was surprised to receive a response so soon. I suppose that not having heard anything about my other editing tests led me to unconsciously assume that these companies take their sweet time responding, but I probably didn't hear from them because I'd performed poorly on their tests.

Well! I've worked my ass off and it has paid off. But there's that thing again—I didn't really work my ass off, at least, it didn't feel as if I did. I simply put in a lot of time; the work I did wasn't really difficult. Anyways, I'm still pseudo—working-my-ass-off. (Look at that; I learned that from the Chicago Manual of Style. How to punctuate prefixed open compounds, I mean.) I've bought one or two editing books and three grammar texts this week. Perfect grammar has become A Quest. I'm also putting more effort into this blog. I've been omitting articles and the pronoun I lately.

I've been eating junk lately because I don't feel like cooking. I had a whole box of Clif Crunch Granola Bars for dinner tonight. Gotta stop before I get fat.

So I have two more editing companies to apply to. If even just one more of them hires me, I'll probably quit my current freelance physics editing position. My QA scores have me down to like eleven bucks per 1000 words, and that isn't worth my time. Speaking of dolla bills, I don't know what this new company pays. The acceptance e-mail I received was irregular in its vagueness, in fact. I was simply told that the editors would contact me when there was an available project. The company works with several publishers, so I assume that they have many different kinds of projects, and each probably has it's own pay scale.

I logged into disability, I mean the disability social networking site to delete my account and was surprised to find a friend request. How nice! I thought, then I looked at the sender's page at saw that she's one of those people. The people who friend everybody, rendering their e-friendship even more meaningless than e-friendship tends to be now, in the age of Facebook.

AT&T's letter arrived today. It contained nothing more than a reiteration of what the customer service rep had already told me: they don't discuss their policy with customers. I called the FCC to find out what to do, and the rep gave me a LONG talk about business. She said that AT&T was not blocking the local DSL company, and that the latter's failure to provide me with service was a business decision; the decision to not run their own wires in this area, as far as I could tell. She said that she had learned this from dealing with business over the years and that she wished that businesses would explain it to their customers.

So I wasted my time with this, apparently. Before this had all begun, I assumed that the existing wiring was available for anyone to use. After I was told that AT&T would not lease the wires, I thought that AT&T had engineered some kind of sneaky monopoly over the infrastructure. Now I suppose that any company has the option (but not necessarily the resources) to lay it's own wiring. I guess? But AT&T didn't lay all this wiring around here, did it? I thought that the government gave them control or something.

Not knowing what the hell is going on and who's in power in this situation is frustrating. My buying options are limited and I think that something more than "just business" is to blame. Rather than drive myself insane, however (and what more could I do anyhow?), I simply signed up for cable Internet with another local company. This meets my main objectives: I can kick AT&T to the curb, and I will no longer have Wi-Fi. I will also get improved downstream speed. The downside is that my monthly Internet bill will increase by twenty-three dollars, and I will have to pay like eighty bucks for installation. I bought my own modem, and that took another chunk of money out of my stagnant bank account.

What with this bill and my upcoming rent increase, I'm quite intent on getting some more cash flow. Being responsible for $160 worth of monthly bills is stressful. That's a lot of money to me. I hesitated to spend money on those books even though I need them. Because I'm not out and about looking for work, I hadn't been deposing the transportation checks that Vocational Rehab sends me, but I gave in and deposited them last week because the extra money will be so helpful (I had just dropped nearly a hundred dollars on editing software). The money is not going towards transportation, but it's going towards work-related expenses. My financial position is too precarious for me to adhere to such hair-splitting ethics.


Feb. 14th, 2016 06:45 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I've not done much of anything all day. The work ran out this morning! Unless more batches are on the way, I'll only have about $450 more coming in from this job. Not bad, but I would have liked to make a little more because I dropped another three hundred dollars on exercise equipment yesterday. This is the last time, I promise myself, up until I need more weights, anyhow.

I got an indoor bike from the company that started Spinning (so it should be a quality product). I know that I am going to be using it A LOT because I have a lot of energy to work off. I've been bouncing off the walls.

Felt kind of empty today.

I've noticed that there don't seem to be many lesbians on websites that caters to hippies and "conscious" people (kind of an arrogant term, isn't it?). Most of the womyn are bisexual or pansexual. What's up with that?
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 05:27 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios