improperlyhuman: (Default)
Walking is boring and I felt fine after lifting a bit more a couple of days ago, so I just went out and cycled 20 or so miles today. It felt good until the wind started up. Betcha I'll feel fine tomorrow. I do have a slight headache right now, probably from not eating in a timely fashion after the exertion. Lunch was delayed because I had to go out and buy some tater tots for my tater tot pizza! It was tasty.

I asked other Enneagram type 5s for tips on self-motivating to meet new people. A couple of them told me to just go out and do things where people are without expecting much from other people, and they gave me examples of what they'd done. This advice confused and intrigued me because having little or no expectations of others would de-motivate me. Why go to all the trouble?

Then it hit me: these people aren't dealing with the fatigue and anxiety I experience trying to act "normal." Socializing with complete strangers must be relatively easy for them. I would never go out to eat with a whole group of complete strangers. I'd have nothing to say and my silence, obvious boredom, and curt answers would make the other diners feel awkward. I'd be stressed and anxious about not making eye contact. If I did have something to say, it wouldn't be any type of small talk. Either I'm uninterested when people are chatting or a detail that no one else really cares about grabs my attention and makes me want to ask questions to the point that the conversation is no longer "light."

As for going to a bigger event, people don't approach me and I don't approach them. I assume the former has something to do with my facial and bodily attitude being interpreted incorrectly. People have told me that I look sad/angry/depressed when I feel fine. I don't do the small talk reciprocity thing (asking people about themselves) and have given up on it almost entirely because it's too difficult, so that's another possible reason why the few people who have approached me in person soon gave up.

I don't approach other people because I have no reason to prefer one over another. I've been over this before: the sea of strangers. Again, why put forth so much effort on a complete gamble? I never have anything to say to anyone. Trying to small talk with a stranger takes too much effort and makes me feel awful. More importantly, I have no idea whether any of them would be interested in me, and I have good reason to believe that none would given the way I act (for starters). And I'm already tired by the time I get to events due to noise/transportation, so I can hardly put on my best face.

I feel defeated. It just hit me so hard how differently other people experience social interaction, and it reminded me of those stupid autism non-evaluations I had. I showed clear signs of perseveration on that card test and the goddamn administrator made me take it again, then conveniently neglected to mention that in the report even after I asked her to add it! I swear she was soooo biased against my having Asperger's (which she restated as autism, probably to bolster her flawed conclusions).

Anyways. At least now I know what the real problem is.

One person did give me helpful advice: to decide which kinds of people I would like to meet and focus on them to motivate myself. Well, I would like to meet people who are ok with the way I behave. It seems too much to ask to also meet people who have important things in common with me. Where do I find any such people? Positive thoughts, positive thoughts. I get tired of running on positive thoughts.

Today I watched this German horror movie. The one about the twins and their mother suddenly acting weird. Actually it was more like a thriller. It was sad :( Spoiler: the boy became psychotic after losing his brother and ended up torturing his mother to death because of his delusions.

I think I have finally found the solution to my scaly skin problem. I bought a rough body brush (cactus bristles) and it seems to get rid of dead skin very well. I'm not sure how it works (since my skin hurts and bleeds if I peel it off and is therefore obviously still alive), but I'll take it.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
My copy of Language, Truth and Logic arrived today. I read the first two chapters today and it's a great book so far.

The gist so far is that metaphysics is a bunch of nonsense and not properly categorized as philosophy. The author's standard for meaningful statements is that they must either be tautological (like the definitions that make up logic and formal mathematics) or subject to some kind of empirical verification.

Metaphysics includes religion, or the supernatural aspects of it at least. I can't even say how tired I am of bullshit religious discourse masquerading as philosophy. In particular, if people can't define "god" and can't describe god in any way that lends itself to observation, it's pointless to discuss god's existence, and the discussion certainly isn't philosophical.

The fact that I've never come across any meaningful description of god is why I like to stress my ignosticism (rather than merely calling myself an atheist)—I can't actually determine whether something exists if I don't even know what that something is supposed to be like. In other words, the question of god's existence is as meaningless as the question of aaoisenuwfpr's existence.

Sweet, I just got another editing contract.

When I first got these sleeping pills—actually the package says "dietary supplement—I was downing them with water, like actual pills. I didn't notice that they were chewable!

Hmm I suddenly just flashed back to my first night in Paris. I wonder what made me think of that.

I gave Quentin Tarantino another chance, half knowing that I shouldn't have. Fortunately I turned The Hateful Eight off within the first ten minutes, so I didn't see much. Tarantino is a dick who has a thing with casual racism and sensationalized sexual violence. I'm sure the setting of this movie (post-Civil War Wyoming) and his previous movie (a slave plantation) were not coincidences. There aren't a whole lot of scenarios in which contemporary characters would continually say "nigger." I hope Tarantino falls stomach first onto a samurai sword. I just don't give a shit.

There weren't many good movies I hadn't already seen at the library. Way more comedy and drama than action for some reason.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
now my ankles and feet are beginning to hurt more. they only hurt when I like bend my ankles. it's a strange numb burning sensation. the shrink saw the swelling too, so I know that I'm not imagining it. my feet and ankles look gross; like the tortured feet and ankles of an obese person

i watched Rob Zombies Halloween reboot last night. the first hour was sad. little 10-year-old Michael wanted so badly to leave that sanitarium. the shrink said that he wanted to help Michael, but keeping him locked up seemed to make worsen his condition.

i don't know if rehabilitation of such people is possible, but it sure ain't gonna happen while they're locked in a madhouse.

I'm sick of eating tofu! I don't want any more goddamned protein! I've become what other dieters have been talking about: that person who gets ravenously hungry after eating a high-carb, low protein meal and thereby struggles to stick to a diet! I've made myself into that person!

I used to be able to feel full and satisfied with a couple of bowls of cereal, but now I feel crazy hungry afterwards even if my stomach feels full! Yes, I can actually feel full and hungry at the same time! It's really warped.

all for these goddamned gainz
 speaking of which, I haven't been able to exercise for like 3 days now. even after I had my customary 2 peanut toffee buzz clif bars (and some green tea), i still didn't really have the energy to lift. i made it through most of the warm-up and gave up, partially because I sort of knew that exercising less would help me to feel better.

not exercising feels bad :(

these past couple of nights, i've been able to keep the windows open without an insect infestation

i'm seeing the rheumatologist again tomorrow. i hope so bad he can give me some answers!

i finished The Haunting of Hill House yesterday.  or maybe it was the day before. pretty sure it was yesterday. awful, dull book. waste of my time. i read until the very end looking for some action.

time for bed

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Yay I got my Tantus Silk today. It's small (like d=3/4 inch) but it did not go in so easily. And I was worried that it was too short and narrow. It is neither.

I did not have any caffeine today, so I was tired for the whole day, albeit not as tired as I have been. I discovered that being excited without caffeine is much less intense both physically and mentally. I also discovered that I'm a much weaker lifter without caffeine. It's a freaking wonder drug.

I'm too tired to go into details, but I discovered that I may have been more affected by my dysfunctional childhood than I'd thought. That made me feel like crap. I feel like I don't have the energy, the will to live, to fix myself more than I am trying to do now.

But these traits I found aren't so terrible. I make too big a deal out of it perhaps. I'm just tired and easily upset at the prospect of yet another obstacle in my path to a girlfriend. But at least half the population of this country grew up in a dysfunctional family, so people can't be too damned picky, can they?

Oh! And I watched Batman vs. Superman throughout the day today. It wasn't as lame as I'd thought that it would be. And Superman wasn't as much of a fag as I'd expected. I've been avoiding Batman movies because Michael Keaton is The One True Batman and all these other Batmans make mad. But Ben Affleck wasn't too bad. George Clooney was probably terrible.
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
My face looks bad. The hyperpigmentation is not fading. I think I actually have a couple of new spots. If I get no new marks from this point onward, I'd say I'd be at least forty before all of it fades. That'll be at least two and a half decades of bad skin. Too bad my parents were irresponsible idiots and didn't take me to a dermatologist when this started.

Well, that's it. Nothing I can do to get rid of it faster except maybe stay out of the sun. Which I shouldn't be doing because I need Vitamin D. Anyways I've been staying indoors without seeing much improvement except for the skin underneath my sideburns. Or maybe that just looks better because it's partially hidden by my sideburns.

I like sideburns. I don't like getting mine cut, but my haircut would probably look weird with sideburns. I wish mine were a bit thicker.

I don't wanna have bad skin for my whole goddamned life.

You know what would be great? A lesbian movie that is not drama. Like science fiction. Drama is boring and stupid. Isn't there enough drama in the world?

Somehow Netflix tricked me into believing that Jenny's Wedding was a comedy. I didn't laugh once. Jenny appeared to be in her thirties or late twenties at the absolute least, her family still didn't know that she was a lesbian, and the movie was filled with dull, faggy, clichéd, stomach-churning coming-out drama. And tears. Come on.

Grown-ass independent adult, Jenny! This is ridiculous. What are you afraid of? Do people even still do this in urban areas of first-world countries? I mean I know I hit the jackpot by growing up when and where I did, but it's pretty easy to be a lesbian in a lot of places now. I never came out because I was never closeted. I never had to be closeted. The closest I came to coming out was asking my mom to spend the night at her apartment because I had a date in town.

Coming out is lame. Just show up at your family's get-togethers with your girlfriend like nothing is out of the ordinary and let them marinate if they need to.

Bye, Tom!

Mar. 31st, 2017 09:48 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
So check this out: I tried to burn my Tom of Finland in the bathtub this evening.

That's the last piece of pR0n I have, I don't even look at it anymore, and it was partially damaged in the fire anyhow.

It didn't catch with the first match and that's when I saw that all my matches seem to have disappeared. I had a least one box that was nearly full. I found a match on top of the fridge and got the sleeve burning. It burned dirty and smelled like plastic. It didn't burn for very long before the smoke alarm went off despite my having two fans on and a window open, so I turned my new shower head on it. The book survived, and I'd blackened my bucket a little bit. Oh well. But I don't want to throw the book in the trash. I want to annihilate it.

Dry as the dunes over here. Arousal dysfunction. And only clean thoughts I allow myself now. And we all know what that means: lesbians. And thinking about lesbians is not only foreign, it scares me because it can lead to loneliness :( And I was already kind of sad because I had some music on.

But I didn't really have to worry because my mind kept wandering anyhow. So I gave up and decided to accustom myself to thinking about lesbians by watching a lesbian movie on my Netflix trial subscription.

First I tried this movie called Anatomy of A Love Scene. It's about two womyn who end up falling for each other after shooting...actually the love "scene" seemed really long and explicit, more like an adult film. It started off kind of funny and I wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be a comedy. They were lying in bed and the director or someone was giving them some explicit but really deadpan directions.

I tried to skip to the part after the love scene, but it seemed to take up the whole movie? And they were like just talking in between shoots or something. It looked boring and it was like just ultra soft porn, so I just stopped watching it.

Then I chose a movie called Heterosexual Jill. Damn, did I have a point? I've forgotten it. Well, it was funny enough and put me in a good mood, but it's weird watching movies about lesbians. Then I was ready to burn Tom.

Most of what I read about quitting porn is about guys. I'm like, what about me? I don't have erectile dysfunction. What about me, dammit?

My housing rep stopped by this morning. She waited ten minutes and verified that the heater doesn't work after I'd set the thing to the highest temperature. She's giving the landlord 30 days to do something about it. I'm afraid that he's going to try to evict me. That month-to-month lease come back to bite me in the ass.

You know, back when I lived in a garage and I first invited Thom over, she told me make sure the place was clean the next time she came over. I was like, "huh?" Because I had tidied up. I was like, who cares, I'd have sex with you in a landfill.

But I tried to set the mood for myself today, and suddenly I looked around my bedroom and I was like, this place is a mess, who would want to have sex in here? So I guess I get it now?

So here's my all natural equipment with which I'll be cleaning the bathroom tomorrow:

And here's one of those gently rolling hills:

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Shit that is not science fiction gets classified as science fiction. Worse than librarians shelving fantasy in the sci-fi section of the library, somehow a drama entitled In The Forest was on a bunch of sci-fi movie lists. I couldn't find the indie sci-fi films I wanted, so I watched that one this evening.

It was fairly interesting, and I was using it as entertainment during my cycling workout, so I kept watching it. I can usually spot an upcoming rape scene well ahead of time, at which point I shut off the movie. Not fast forward it, just shut off the whole damned movie. I used to fast forward them, but that didn't put enough distance between me and them. A couple of times, I found that I hadn't fast forwarded far enough! Horrible.

But I somehow didn't see this one coming. I thought that guy wanted to steal their food, their gas, or their firewood. And like every other time, I wish that I hadn't seen it. I was silently yelling at her to swing that axe.

And what really twisted me up inside is that she got pregnant. And wanted to keep the baby. While they were damn near starving to death, with no hospital or medical supplies or other people anywhere nearby. I mean I guess giving birth is safer than letting your teenaged sister perform an abortion on you with no knowledge beyond what she's read in a goddamned encyclopedia.

But this movie was not science fiction.

Why does my head hurt?! I could have sworn I ate not so long ago.

I am sick in my I-don't-know-what. Sick in my psychology. I mean made ill, cancer put in my mind that eats at me. I can't unsee things.

This movie was not science fiction. There was a major power outage; I thought a science fictiony cause would be revealed, but no cause was ever revealed. Just drama and tears and sickness and vague regret.

Their dad died and their mom was already dead. I wondered what it would be like to actually give a damn about one's parents, to miss them, to have had a good relationship with them. A curious thing it is. Just one more thing to be sad about; who needs that?

I worry about my sister. I wonder if she would ignore me or be angry with me if I texted her. I'm not sure why she got angry with me. I don't even know her. I hope that she at least tries to go to her friends for help instead of another guy.

Time for dinner.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
What if I played a little game with myself. What if I pretended that I was an AI. Maybe being inside my head would be a little easier. 

I get this weird feeling after I watch movies. Maybe not all movies. It's kind of a mixture of confidence and calculating hope. Not a joyful hope. The kind of hope a person might feel after figuring out a way to destroy something.

I just finished watching Morgan. This is the third or fourth AI movie I've seen in the past year or so. I thought to myself, what if you were like Morgan? Just full of calculations. 

I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

Well. I called my mental health insurance and got an authorization number to see a therapist. I left a message on what I hope was the therapist's answering machine. I'm having second thoughts. Pretending to be an AI won't be easy if I see a therapist on a regular basis. Therapists try so hard to make people be human, it can get annoying, really. It's like a backwards version of Pinocchio.

The first thing I'm gonna do is ask a moderator to freeze my account. AI don't participate on forums.

Lol, they make it so hard. Can't even delete account, can't figure out who to chase down to retire the account.

Shit, I'll have to shut down all dating profiles as well. Wish I hadn't blown 47 dollars on OkC, but it was really the only way to find out that they effectively have no vegans on the site.

I wish my new weights would get here already. I bought some rubber-covered 10 lb. weights with which to barbell row because I could no longer take that awful clanking my regular iron weights make, nor do I wish to inflict that racket on my neighbor. MY NEIGHBOR, goodness. She's one of those people who repeats stuff over and over again within the space of a few seconds.

No, I don't think I would have to stop posting in this blog to be AI. This blog would contain my progress reports.

Anyways. It occurred to me yesterday or the day before that I wouldn't know what to do with a person if I met and spent time with one. I don't have anything to say. I don't really care to talk about other people's lives. I have wicked low expectations and low motivation.

Chasing something without thinking ahead to what I'd do if I caught it, that's what I've been doing. I guess I thought (or blindly hoped) that some normal human behavior would kick in if I found the right person, and then I'd be on autopilot and everything could (if not would) work out from there. Ha ha.

The breakthrough in Morgan was the simulation of autonomy, of will. I'm trying to achieve a breakthrough in will as well. I want to will myself to focus on my goals and stay focused most of the time, even when I feel down and without motivation. Like I've been doing with weightlifting, but even more intense.

But the difficulty with simulating will in AI is that will is driven by organic experience, in many cases, by emotion. I can't be driven by emotion because it's the emotion that prevents me from focusing! So I'll have to find an artificial source of drive, just like the AI engineers had to do. Isn't it cool how I can connect disparate ideas like that? That's called "extroverted intuition." I learned that from studying personality typing theory.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Worst fatigue ever today. Guess I was wrong about getting better.

astramance used to interrupt stuff I was doing to ask me what I was thinking. I was able to answer her question on only a couple of occasions. Every other time, I immediately forgot what I'd been thinking about. It happened so often that I began to fear that she would think I was lying, keeping my thoughts from her.

I didn't know why my mind suddenly went blank, but I have an idea now: having to suddenly shift into listening mode took so much mental effort that I had to brain dump to pull it off. I now know of a way to improve my ability to respond. I need a signal to prepare me to listen. A touch on the arm, for example.

I also had (and still have) a lot of problems with living with another person, not just with astramance, but also with the roommate I had in college. I felt anxiety and mild dread when I knew that astramance would soon be home from work. The anxiety and dread became resentment. I had time alone every day, but it was never enough, it was never on my terms. I just wasn't ready to see her when she got home.

I became excessively irritable when my roommate came in to chat. I don't know why he put up with me.

The stress of knowing that someone could start talking to me at any moment. Having to be alert. That's part of what makes living with other people so unpleasant. But it's not just talking, it's interacting in general on someone else's schedule. Now I know better than to ever try to live with another person, and to schedule most social interaction well ahead of time.

There's a person who has a blog about having CAPD. She and her husband have begun communicating via iPad while they are together. Together in the same room. That sounds like a dream come true.

I remember that Thom once tried to warn me to be careful on the drive home from her house. I asked her to repeat what she'd said again and again and again, and I still couldn't grasp all the words. She put her lips up to my ear and repeated it twice, and I still couldn't understand, lol. But she was speaking in a low voice so that my roommate wouldn't hear; that didn't help.

I thought that I'd progressed a lot because I don't talk to myself or ruminate so much anymore, but I'm afraid that I've just replaced some of it. I don't do it hard and I don't do it often, but I punch myself in the head with frustration and embarrassment. I've restrained the urge to punch the wall a few times by reminding myself that it will hurt my knuckles.

I've now wasted half the day being too tired to do anything at all. I had such brain fog that I struggled with my usual computer games. I wanted to change my primary care provider before making another appointment, but I'd have to go in and fill out forms to do that. It finally dawned on me that I could make this last appointment with my current doctor and fill out the forms while I'm there.

Wow. Since I'm too headachy to workout, I thought I'd watch a movie. I looked up a good movie I saw years ago on Netflix, "By Hook or By Crook." I thought it was a lesbian movie with a very handsome lead character, but I found some top lesbian movies list that said it wasn't! So I looked closer and I noticed that the two leads are named Silas and Harry (in real life). I looked up Silas and she has a mustache in her IMDB pics (that she didn't have in the movie).

This has all kind of killed it for me. What an ugly feeling it is to know that I'd been misconstruing the movie all these years. Assuming the characters are even supposed to be men, or trans, or anything but whatever I thought they were. They never really gave any clues in the movie. That's what I liked about it: lesbianism without lesbianism being a big deal.

Or maybe I'm just something to pick up on the clues they gave. But they must have used pronouns in the movie, right? Wouldn't I have noticed if they'd called one another he? Now I want to go check. But I would have to buy or rent the movie to do that.
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