improperlyhuman: (trumpet)
The landlord wants to do something called "bug bombing" to deal with the fleas. This of course involves toxic chemicals (and my temporarily leaving the apartment) that I would rather avoid. I suggested the salt + vacuum cleaner solution, and he said that he wasn't sure how the salt would affect the carpet?! It's just table salt! He's willing to put toxic chemicals on the carpet, but not salt? People are exhausting.

I got nine books for a total of three dollars (paid on the honor system!) at the local library's book sale. One of them was a yoga book. I'm planning on adding a yoga practice to my morning routine. Wait, that'll get in the way of my morning cycling routine once I get my spinning bike here. I dunno.

While reading an alleged truscum tumblr this evening, I came across a question about how the questioner could deal with the fact that she'll never be male (and wants to be). The person running the tumblr suggested several things, including getting rid of mirrors and pictures. She used the words "you have to trick yourself." My goodness, these people and their self-deception. Is it really better to try your damndest to live a lie? 

I was trying to purchase some hemp undies online this evening, but the website would not work, probably because I have googleapis blocked. I started to wonder if that script was really dangerous in this context. I ended up skimming a discussion about the most secure browser. Someone suggested running a browser in a VM. I'd never thought of that before. Maybe I could do that with Google Docs, then I wouldn't have to turn down work!

Speaking of VMs, I almost died laughing at this xkcd comic: https://xkcd.com/1764/

It might be cool to get a new computer with a shitload of RAM and try this just to see how far I could get before I crashed it.

whoa, random déja-vu.

I felt mildly sad and resentful again now that my great match has disappeared, so I had to snap myself out of it.

Now that I'm far away from both the nearest VA medical facility and the soonest available neurology appointment, I'm once again eligible for the Veteran's choice program. I spoke to a program rep today to begin the process of finding myself a civilian doctor, and she asked if I had a gender preference! Wonderful.

I finally looked at my checking account balance a couple of days ago, and I found out that I blew through another thousand dollars between returning from Oregon and now. That scarcely seems possible. I had two thousand in my account at the time of the fire, and another eleven hundred once I got my security deposit. Including the price of my "new" bike, my trip couldn't have cost more than six hundred dollars, and that's a generous estimate.

Oh well, it's gone now.
improperlyhuman: black and white icon with text "if you identify with gender, you identify with patriarchy." (gender)
I was reading old GenderTrender posts when I came across this batshit insanity: packers for children and teens!

For example, the Newt-silicone packer, which is made for the "under 8 set," is available in two colors: Caucasian and Caramel. What the hell? This company is also selling harnesses for girls to wear

fantasies, delusions, and pretending. that's what little queers are made of.


Plank

May. 29th, 2016 09:57 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Slept through the night last night! Wonder if it made any difference that I kept the window closed...

Got up at 6 a.m. and preceded to blow most of the day looking for a therapist. I found two who offer sliding scale rates and feminist therapy. I decided that feminist therapy is more important to me than gifted therapy.

Someone made a microaggressive remark about my being a vegan and a radical feminist, so I won't be going to that forum anymore. That was my last one. Being a political minority sure isn't fun. I was reminded of how unsafe I feel about openly being a radical feminist. Today was rough but I bounced back in the evening.

It's great that there are therapists who treat people from an understanding of oppression, but some of them have too much social justice warrior shit going on. I totally do not want to see a therapist who views me as a "person of color" or views my being a lesbian as an "identity" on par with the men who "identify" as lesbians. Lesbianism isn't just a thought in my freakin head; it's the concrete physical reality of being a female-loving-female in a misogynistic sociopolitical context. This is why all lesbianism is political lesbianism: no matter how apolitical a lesbian may be, heteropatriarchy will make her lesbianism into an issue. This is also why I reject framing lesbianism as a sexual orientation, an apolitical construct that draws an apolitical (and personally useless) parallel between lesbianism, heteroness, etc.

The word "identity" has been butchered. 'Member back in the day it used to refer to who a person actually was? Now it's all about who a person wants to be, or wants to be seen as, or wants to be treated as, or thinks she should have been born as.

Went to the hardware store today and bought a metal tub in which to soak my pads and reusable toilet paper, a small plank of wood, and a jar of wax. After having this desk for like nine months, I'm finally getting around to finishing it. I thought I would be using oil, but apparently wax is better.

Squatted on my plank (in my bare feet) this evening like a boss. It worked great.

And by the way, astramance, I have never sought the "perfect girlfriend."
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I guess that was today. I received an advertising e-mail from Lulu. 20% off, "making it easier for you to support your favorite female authors." Upon first reading, I groaned inwardly because I'm tired of this company trying to get me to buy more books. Then I re-read the e-mail and noticed that bit about female authors. Female authors! Not people-who-identify-as-women authors. It's nice to be reminded that the whole world isn't crazy. Or perhaps I should say, the whole world isn't full of shit.

Squats back up to 55 lbs. today! I had a good session, and I don't feel sore. Rather than eating more food, I'm going to first simply try adding a protein supplement.

I no longer have a chronic sweet taste in my mouth.

I finally got around to buying some new briefs today. The old ones are falling off of me. Underwear is so expensive nowadays. Boy's exercise pants were on clearance sale for five bucks a pair. I'm down one size, but the pants are a bit tight in the seat. Can't help it, I'm bodacious. The fit of the pants will be a good way to track weight loss now that it's apparently all about body shape and the scale is no longer moving.

I tried to nap again today. I didn't succeed at falling asleep, but I felt a bit more rested afterwards anyhow. As I lay there, I thought about working on my attitude. I'm fairly certain that I would be more effective (in various ways) if I stopped expecting unpleasant things to happen so much, stopped fantasizing about everything that could go wrong. At the least, I would have more inner peace.

On the other hand, if I haven't visualized/prepared for something that goes wrong and end up surprised, I feel as if my world is disintegrating a bit. Being taken by surprise in these circumstances seems horrible, more horrible than I ought to feel. But having my suspicions confirmed also feels horrible because I end up feeling like a fool for getting myself into something that I knew could go wrong. So, if I'm going to feel horrible no matter what, I may as well just do it anyways. All that remains is figuring out how to mitigate the horrible feelings, how to not take things so hard. However, if I try caring less, then I'm not motivated to get involved in the first place.

Maybe I need something like a life coach.

I try so hard to avoid buying new electronics, but I have some need for a calculator. I bought one today for about eighteen dollars. Made in China. I wonder when the last calculator was manufactured in the United States. Were calculators ever made in the United States?

I finally received a response about the tech support position I applied for last November. The person wanted me to fill out an application that wasn't available at the time the job was advertised, despite having solicited resumés. I hate it when employers want applications and resumés. The real deal-breaker was the necessity of working with other people. I let the employer know that I'm no longer interested. No longer willing to work with others.

Ever since I heard that schizoid PD is difficult to treat, I periodically look up information about treating it. I don't usually find anything. Today I found a website that, while still mostly barren, had a bit more information about schizoid PD than the other websites have had. The list of warning signs included something like "feels confused about how to react to social signals." I sometimes feel confused about how to react to social signals. I ask myself, was I not like this when I was younger? Or am I simply more self-aware now?

I could look back at my early entries since my journal is ten years old. Back to my mid-twenties. But I tried to avoid posting about my personal drama back when I started my Livejournal. I also hate reading my old entries. It's even more uncomfortable than reading other people's journals. I have to work up the stomach for it.

It seems that I am repeating myself a lot in the last few years' posts. A sign that things that should be worked through aren't getting worked through.

I have something like flashbacks to when I was homeless from time to time, and I can feel anxiety begin to flow through me. Anxiety about being attacked at night, anxiety about my camp being discovered, anxiety about run-ins with the cops (despite the fact that I'm not even afraid of the cops). The mere awareness of being somewhere I'm not supposed to be and having limited options of other places to go really messed with my equanimity.

Just now I had a sort-of flashback to that spa resort that was right up the road from my second camp, the camp that wasn't infested with ticks. What a thought it is to know that people are sleeping, not only in a comfortable hotel room, but in a luxury resort, just up the street from your makeshift tent that could become waterlogged at any time. I knew that it was expensive to stay there, so I knew that people with money were there, and people with money are quick to call the cops, especially on those of us with with the wrong skin color who pass as male, so I was always anxious as I pedaled past on my way to and from camp.
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
is the same definition that can be found in any standard dictionary.

It's not some self-serving re-definition someone cooked up within the last few generations, but something that's been part of the English language for who knows how long, unlike whatever "definition" queers put forward to legitimate men claiming to be womyn and vice versa, which is a recent pomo creation that doesn't even qualify as a real definition because, for example, "anyone who says she is a woman" is circular and defines nothing. The latter is a kind of political maneuver which has no purpose in radical feminism, as radical feminism is about illuminating reality rather than obfuscating it.

Can't convince people that you are something you aren't? Just make up your own definitions of words to favor your view, pretend your definition is THE definition, and state it ad nauseum. If people still won't play along, try emotional manipulation, such as changing the subject to how many trans people are murdered every second.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I started my home vision therapy today. I did the exercise while I sat on my balcony getting my daily dose of Vitamin D this morning, knocking out two humans with one SUV. I held a pencil directly in front of my face, six inches from my eyes, and switched my focus from the pencil to some object farther off every two seconds. It hurt my eyes until I put my shades on. Although not part of the vision therapy plan (at least, not according to what I've read so far), I've also been wearing my glasses less often.

I called the office of my new optometrist and complained about not being able to read with the glasses they gave me in March. I'd hoped that my complaint might lead to vision therapy. They offered to take back the lenses and add bifocals for no extra charge. I won't be taking them up on that. My vision goal is to decrease my reliance on optometric medical devices and increase the focusing power of my eyes. That process won't be ideal without professionally-administered vision therapy and the funds necessary to successively purchase eyeglasses of decreasing strength, but I'll take the challenge.

A recent letter from county social services informed me that my cash benefit would be discontinued because my monthly income report was incomplete. I left out a date. That's it. Their rules are absurd. Reporting honestly is a huge hassle because they want documentation of every little thing, and some of those things don't typically come with documentation. Knowing this, I hesitated to report the grant I used to pay rent, but I decided that it would be safer to report it. I was wrong.

I left out the date because I had no idea when the property manager received the funds, assuming that that information could wait until I'd gotten the receipt that I was awaiting. I finally had too work up the nerve to call the property management company to request this receipt. I was relieved when my call went to voicemail. I can only hope that this message will not go ignored or unnoticed, as my previous fax and e-mail have been.

I'm struggling to get back to my old sleep schedule. I keep waking up early. Even when I lie and bed and doze off multiple times, it's still early when I get up. I'm worried that my sleeping schedule is not the cause of my daily episodes of fatigue. What if it's my mental health? What could I do to help myself? It seems that I'm running out of coping strategies. Several of my interests have fallen by the wayside;  I've isolated myself from easy access to a community band and other outside amusements. I looked into the local Spanish class, but it is for beginners. I can't afford the swimming lessons that will be offered at the local recreation department. I've no local job prospects. What else is there? More and more things seem pointless. I suppose I must simply make it through one day at a time. Breaking it down into pieces makes the job seem easier.

The acupuncturist mentioned that my migraine problems might be exacerbated by my extremely low Vitamin D level. That would explain why I had fewer migraines when I lived outdoors. I'm more motivated to get outside now.

Now it's time for me to force myself out of this chair for my workout. I've been wanting to shift it to daytime to decrease the risk that my downstairs neighbors hear me pounding out jumping jacks on the floor above their heads, but I'm just not feeling it. I'm a night person.

Jumping jacks without a bra on are uncomfortable. Bras are also uncomfortable. And expensive. There's no way to win. Except maybe to lose so much weight that my breasts no longer act as chest weights. I think that that is perhaps impossible, though.

Here's a little taste of what it's like to browse an "LGBT" forum that has been queered.

screenshot of wrongplanet.net LGBT sub-forum

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Are there still non-males claiming to have male brain? I wonder what would result if they were given tests of the cognitive skills on which males tend to outperform females. How good are they at mental rotation?

Fail

Jan. 11th, 2015 02:19 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
www.okcupid.com/tests/the-transgendered-test

"1. First and foremost, do you really want to be the opposite sex?"

"No, I am fine with the social role I was born with."

Oh look, yet another person who professes "experience and knowledge" about the issue mixing up sex and gender.




improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I just washed my inner sleeping bag yesterday evening, so of course I start my cycle this morning. I probably bled into it. My cramps are more painful than I expected them to be, given all the exercise I've been getting of late, but there's another factor: the huge amount of wheat I've been forced to consume in the past month. I got myself some cooking implements on the first, so this shouldn't be a problem next month.

Today I decided that I should work on ending my chronic bitterness. The thought has floated through my mind on occasion, a vague and subconscious mist, but no immediate solutions came to mind, I guess, so I just let it float on by. I have two angles of attack: a daily writing exercise, explained here, and to attempt to have a social life. The latter constitutes something of an ethical issue. It somehow doesn't seem quite right to try to use other people to fix one's bitterness, but what if part of the reason for one's bitterness is having no people in one's life? I could tell people "I'm trying to recover from bitterness and I plan to utilize any relationship that develops between us as a last ditch effort to keep myself from writing off humankind completely," but I suppose that would scare off a lot of people because no one wants to have any sort of dealings with a bitter person, and the bitterness might therefore never get resolved. But since no one wants to have any sort of dealings with a bitter person, it'd be unethical to try to hide being a bitter person while pursuing social connections.

Ok. I just allowed myself to overanalyze that. I'm letting it go now.

I think maybe there's no real solution to my bitterness. The problem underlying almost every single thing I can remember feeling bitter about consists of discussions I view as unresolved. They were unresolved because the other person/people ignored, didn't understand, or misunderstood my message, and was not amenable to changing that when I tried to remedy the situation. I didn't feel bad about it until I saw that I wouldn't, couldn't get any closure. No intellectual closure; no emotional closure. And the real bitterness didn't start until I had racked up a few of these; until I began to identify a pattern, particularly, a pattern that went beyond myself. It was watching a tapestry of "we don't actually care what anyone else has to say," knit before my eyes, time and time again, in books, articles, forums, that solidified the bitterness; an endless line of unresolved issues that would remain unresolved, that people seem to want to remain unresolved, people with unfathomable minds that guaranteed unresolved problems in the future. The big picture was far uglier than the details.

And there's no solution to that. Indeed, I searched some solutions to bitterness, and most of it does not apply to me at all. I don't want to hurt people or get revenge. When I feel bitter, it is the end result of replaying conversations in my mind over and over again and knowing that what needed to be said will never be said, that the breakdown in communication will never be repaired. It's due to a lack of order in my world.

On a related note, I think that I've figured out why queer theory makes no sense. It should have been obvious. It's a Feeler ideology. Feeler shit often does not make much sense because they put so much more effort into ensuring social harmony, that everyone feels "valuable" and "included" and all this other kindergarten teacher type crap, and (consequently?) so little effort into having a coherent, consistent ideology. It fits perfectly. The detractors say, "this is nonsense." Queers respond, "your disagreement is getting us murdered!" Feelers focus on the social and emotional repercussions and tend to ignore the more objective objections. They sometimes don't seem to care much that something makes no sense to others, and, when they do, they have a helluva time explaining their relatively subjective reasoning. Sometimes, they will outright reject basic facts which they, with their connotations-rather-than-denotations-based thinking, construe as "mean." Hence the nuttier queers who insist that biological sex doesn't exist or is not binary.

It's not meant to make sense. It's meant to be "nice."

I hate Feelers. They are probably implicated in most of my bitter memories. I liked them better before I had any idea that how they think existed as a distinct, enduring cognitive style, back when I thought they were just being temporarily over-emotional. But to think that they are like that all the damned time? Goddess. Of course, I could never say this to them because they imbue even the simplest statements with the most dire import. To me, hatred is nothing more than an emotion, negative but normal. To Feelers? To hate them is to wish them death and ill-health and to go out of my way to treat them like crap and to be a horrible person and goddess knows what else.

So, the "soft" part of my unbittering plan is to avoid them. The naive part of me that perennially believes that everyone can be reasoned with wants to mention MBTI to them and try to explain the misunderstandings. The naive part me is a worker bee who will stop at no amount of discursive effort to resolve. The more practical and world-weary iconoclass knows that not even that would work, because once you get Feelers worked up, you've engaged their emotions, and they can't be reasoned out of the same.

Of course I paint them with a broadish brush. This is more of a practical matter than a theoretically pure essay.

improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
I was researching womyn's land yesterday when I came across this discussion:

http://www.metafilter.com/78766/The-end-of-womyns-lands#2434808

I took the time to read through the whole thing. It's nice to know that some people somewhat sort of get radical feminism and separatism, but I remain baffled as to how radical feminism is "essentialist," particularly to the group of people who think that "gender is in the brain." That seems like the epitome of essentialism to me.

Then I hit upon a hypothesis motivated by previous readings of queer ideology: queer projection. Here is original situation in which this idea first presented itself: When people call queers the "wrong" pronoun, they describe it as being "misgendered." There's really no way to assign any concrete meaning to that term, because there's no way to know what any given person is talking about when they say "gender," but, rest assured it does not refer to sex, as they frequently point out the difference between the two, though they tend to mix them up at other times. However, in general use, pronouns do refer to sex, and that is how most people use them: males are "he" and females are "she." It's only the queers who use pronouns to refer to "gender," yet, if they project that concept onto others, it would explain why they misinterpret being sexed as being "misgendered." This has happened to me personally; I referred to some guy as "he" because he was male, and was accused of disrespecting his "gender identity," which was not only not my intent at all, but could not have been my intent because I don't even know what "gender identity" means.

Furthermore, in order to propose the many bizarre things that queers propose about sex, such as, it is a "social construct," mutable, or enumerable beyond two, obviously, one must have a unique definition of the term. I have observed, however, that one who challenges these ideas about sex is accused of having one's own definition of sex. What could that be besides a case of projection?

In addition, some queers do not seem to have a firm grasp of the fact that they are pushing an ideology, something that must be supported before a thinking person will accept it. They take their precepts as the gospel truth, seem dumbfounded and concomitantly enraged when others do not, answer questions with various versions of "because we say so," automatically suspect the questioner of ignorance and/or hatred rather than curiosity, and generally regard ideological challenges as personal attacks rather than legitimate discussion. This lack of awareness creates a situation ripe for ideological projection.

Let us now consider a hypothetical queer, one who projects her ideology onto others. She comes across radical feminists who state that men are not women. Perhaps, rather than grasping that "men" and "women" have mainstream definitions outside of her ideology, she projects her notions of manhood and womanhood into the words of these feminists. And her notions, well, it's not really clear what they are, but, as much as I can gather, manhood and womanhood are either some sort of feelings and thoughts in the mind, or they're some sort of social roles, and, in either case, are therefore at least theoretically available to anyone. And if these feminists are saying that some people (men, to most of us) can't inhabit womanhood, then they must be saying that there is some special relationship between womanhood and this other group of people (that would be women, to most of us), and they must be saying it because they think womanhood is some sort of essential nature of that group of people, because what they say directly opposes the idea of the general availability of womanhood. And so we get accusations of essentialism.

And from this to that which is the most mystifying of all: why no one seems to feel the need to justify the idea that men can be women. The word "woman" has a definition; it clearly excludes males. Some people come on the scene, loudly announce, "ok everybody, men are women now," offer no explanation, and present with incomprehension when people don't go along with their idea. Surely someone in touch with the reality of being an ideological minority would perceive the necessity to offer some sort of theory to motivate acceptance of such an idea. And what does "woman" even mean if anyone can be one? Where's our new definition to replace the old? There are so many holes, it boggles the mind. Perhaps I am a fool to continue to expect it to make any sense.

But I want an answer to this, dammit. If you are reading this, and you know the reasoning behind why anyone is expected to accept males as women, please tell me.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
There's no such thing as "cissexual" privilege. There's no societal privilege based on whether or not one "identifies with" one's sex. Males get male privilege because they are male, regardless of "identification"; females get no sex-based privilege whatsoever, regardless of how they "identify." Not enough people even care enough about how people feel about their sex for this to be a societal issue, and how would people in general know how any given person feels about their sex anyhow? If, however, people insist that they are of the opposite sex, they may be mocked or considered delusional. That response is not inappropriate, since what such people are insisting on is blatantly false. It's not an unearned privilege for those of us who don't lie/aren't delusional/don't wallow in fantasies about our sex to be taken seriously and considered sane because people have power over whether or not they can access the same treatment by simply not lying about their sex. If they're not lying, and genuinely hold the false belief that they are of the opposite sex, then it's appropriate for them to be treated as delusional, and, again, no privilege comes into play. This "privilege" is earnable by everyone who is cognitively willing and able to access it, it is only withheld from those who do not merit it, so it is not a privilege.

There is no such thing as "cisgender" privilege. Privilege with respect to gender is earned by conforming to gender roles(and is multidimensional, because females receive both social approval for conforming and all the brutality that comes with comforming to a position of subordination); nobody cares how anyone feels about it, and there is no such thing as "internal gender," because the meaning of gender is either

A. a synonym for sex, or
B. a reference to gender roles, which are created and enforced by society, and do not reflect individuals.

Anything that could even remotely be thought of as "personal," "internal," or "inherent" gender falls under the category of personality. Even if such a category could be meaningfully interpreted as being gender in some sense, its subjectivity would make it a totally impractical basis upon which to privilege or not privilege people. We would have to go around asking people how they "identified," then treating them accordingly after the fact. All of the supposed means of "gender expression" can only reliably be read as conformity or non-conformity to gender roles. There's no way to read "personal" gender from them because people don't know what other people think or feel or why they dress and groom the way they do.

The crux of the matter is that being "cis" or not is a feeling, and there's no way for society to access feelings, which is a prerequisite to the privileging of people according to them.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I am so tired of the endless gender nonsense liberals keep spouting off about. They don't want to be oppressed by the system of gender, so what do they do? Lift a single finger to destroy it, escape it, raise awareness about it? No! They try to move around, change their position within it! Thus the endless parade of intergenered, genderqueer, bigendered, lizard-gendered, or whatever gender identity of the week people are identifying as. Outside of the humanities classes in their liberal college town, no one knows what the hell they are talking about, and no one cares. Someone needs to send them a wake-up call: The system of gender is designed to be oppressive. Trying to have more choices within it is like petitioning a dictatorship for the right to vote: doomed to failure. Nobody is meant to have any choices or freedom regarding gender. The concepts of "gender" and "choice" don't make sense together.

The really pathetic part is that they are doing nothing but reinforcing the system that is oppressing them. By claiming special snowflake status as the latest "gender identity," they are supporting the idea that the traditional system of gender is normal, and that anyone who deviates from its prescriptions is an anomaly, a freak. The implication of their claims of being personally outside of and unhappy with the system of traditional gender roles is that the majority of people are happily inside of it. Their worship of the myth of 100% individualism and "do whatever you want as long as you aren't ┬┤hurting anyone┬┤" ideology actually supports people "choosing" femininity and masculinity - the original oppressive gender roles themselves!

Half of them are just as clueless about the difference between sex and gender as the average gender-conforming person is. This is why they go on and on about "gendered pronouns," when, in fact, anyone who speaks English knows that pronouns denote SEX. They can't even figure out that "male" and "female" are sexes, not genders. And how entitled and full of oneself does someone have to be to even imagine that official forms are enquiring about one's personal identity when they ask for gender?! They don't even know what battles to fight to free themselves. Instead of crying about the lack of pronoun choices on forms, they need to get it through their heads that the forms are asking about SEX, then ask themselves what that knowledge will be used for. The system of gender is about oppression based on SEX, not about everybody's personal identity and feelings and how they want to dress. There will be no detachment of gender from sex in any society that recognizes gender, BECAUSE THE ATTACHMENT OF DIFFERENT GENDERS TO DIFFERENT SEXES IS WHAT THE SYSTEM OF GENDER IS ALL ABOUT.

They really need to stop appropriating foreign cultures to legitimize their spoiled whining about not being called "zie" in public. WHITE PEOPLE ARE NOT TWO-SPIRITED FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THE STRUGGLES OF PEOPLE (ASSUMED TO BE TRANS) IN THAILAND AND LATIN AMERICA ARE NOT NECESSARILY IN DIRECT CORRESPONDENCE TO THOSE OF TRANS PEOPLE IN THE U.S. And, while we're at it, JOAN OF FUCKING ARC WAS NOT TRANS.
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