improperlyhuman: (Default)
I finally called paratransit today. I found out that getting rides is a bigger deal than I'd anticipated. I was expecting to have to call one day ahead at the most, but I was told to call three or so days ahead. So I asked for a ride to the VA three days from today, and the person to whom I spoke said she'd try to arrange it and needed to make sure that the driver would be able to get onto the base.

I told my job specialist that I now have at least the possibility of working on-site thanks to paratransit, but, given that I have to call light-years ahead of time, I'm not sure if it's a viable transportation option. Who am I kidding, I can't work on-site anyhow and don't want to. Just being away from home tires me out; being driven is a definite improvement, but it's not a complete solution. I'm also afraid of being bullied, misunderstood, and gossiped about by my potential co-workers.

I keep buying textbooks. There's a good chance that my new skills are not going to pay off.

I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid I'll be unable to fall asleep.

I bought a book on visualization (mental, not data this time, ha) to help me manage some of the damaging thoughts I so often think. I don't know how much of it I'll be able to finish because I have concentration problems with reading.


Mar. 5th, 2016 03:02 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm so freaking tired, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll try some hot chocolate, cocoa is a mild stimulant, isn't it?

I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep. Of course. I haven't napped in years. My mind just keeps going.

Another client refused to give me permission to use some of the work in my portfolio. The previous client offered to provide a reference instead,

Brilliant. I put the teapot on the stove and set the timer without turning on the range.

Anyways, I didn't bother to take her up on it because a reference from a random stranger that hired me for one tiny job annotating PowerPoint slides didn't seem like it would be useful. Then my voc rehab job specialist told me that I needed three references, so I went back messaged the ex-client about that reference. She hasn't responded. So I have no references.

The job specialist said that she would be a reference. Whatever. She doesn't even know me. I could be every employer's nightmare as far as she knows. If someone who's spoken to me about five times is enough for a reference, references are even more of a bunch of crap than I thought they were.

Idiotic client keeps posting ridiculous proofreading job, 50-100 articles per day for ten cents per 100 words, native English speakers. Over and over again, when will this moron come to see that quality work does not come that cheaply? Even low-quality work does not come that cheaply, not in North American anyhow, and that's the region specified on the job post. If it didn't cost me anything, I'd spam the job posts with high bids.

I received an e-mail from an environmental organization requesting money to stop government officials from passing a law that would somehow nullify Vermont's GMO labeling law. This org is always asking for money to stop Monsanto, but how would our money help to stop Monsanto? Where does it go, how is it spent? There's no explanation in the e-mail. I would love to stop Monsanto, but I don't want to throw my meager earnings into a black hole.

My forearm hurts today. Maybe I'm not recovering from my workouts because I'm not sleeping.

I have a deadline coming up in less than a week, and I'm beginning to be afraid that I'll miss it because I can't concentrate on the work. It's the final milestone of this cosmetology quiz job I regret having taken. The finish line in view! I was thinking that I'd try to knock out all the work in one day for the relief of being finished with it, but I haven't the energy to motivate myself.

I tried to watch some comedy to improve my mood. I downloaded a youtube video, then quickly deleted it after I heard the comedian speak. He had an English accent. I thought that I was irritated about that because I was in a bad mood, but it occurred to me that I've been irritated with foreign accents in the past, and that my irritation is/was probably due to the extra energy it takes to figure out what people are saying under such circumstances.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
During dinner tonight I foolishly searched for "lesbian" and "nerd" and ended up on Reddit. I can't just eat the food, I have to be doing something at the same time. Somebody had the nerve to call the sub-reddit something like actuallylesbian, while the info box indicates that men are welcome in the group.

So then I performed the same search on reddit and ended up at a sub-reddit called NerdyLesbians or something. No nerdiness in sight! Just a bunch of geeks. These geeks with their video games and disturbing erotic fanfiction need to get their shit straight: They are not nerds. Nerds trade in books and school and learnin' and computers. Geeks are nothing more than media consumers, unless you count destroying TV shows with fanfiction to be producing something. Comic creators and the like don't really count because they are artists. The rank and file geeks have an identity based on buying and watching stuff. Buying unnecessary shit, watching too much TV, and playing video games are the most mainstream things ever, so I'm not sure what purpose claiming geekdom even serves anymore. I guess RPGs are still kind of underground.

Also, grown womyn calling themselves girls. I'm over it.

Somebody said she couldn't go to Tegan and Sara concerts without seeing one of the people she'd dated or "fucked" in the past. Ewwwwwwwwwwww. I got the willies just reading it. Dating and having sex with tons of people is seriously gross; I don't know how womyn do it. I wonder if other people are bothered about their girlfriends having dated a shit ton of other people. Like, does sex even mean anything anymore once you have it with a million different people?

I got two new contracts in just two days. Hooray! At least one has long-term potential. I negotiated a higher price for one of them. This sticking up for fair pricing stuff is working out great.

I squatted my whole weight set last night. 55lbs., not counting the bar. I thought that I was going to fall over. Fortunately, my new set of 25-lb. weights arrived this afternoon. When I started this routine, I could feel it in my abs. I can't feel that anymore. What happened? Half the point of this is to get ripped abs! I'm going to be right pissed if I don't get ripped abs.

My breasts are so nice and soft. Breasts are awesome.

I'm not totally down with the exposed bones aspect of being thinner. It hurts more when I bump into stuff. It must be due to losing my protective layer of fat. I'm going to have to replace it with muscle.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I finally saw a dentist today. She said that my fillings seemed to have fallen out (how does that even happen), and that this is causing my discomfort. I'm confused because I reported gum sensitivity, and she was prodding my gums during the times I flinched. I have been feeling additional strange sensations in my teeth, but I forgot to mention those.

Missed deadline for a MOOC and feel frustrated with myself. Most of the time I wasted fiddling with software would have been better spent on studies. I can pass with 50%; somehow, that makes me feel worse/angry. What low standards.

I tried to finish up some of the work this afternoon, but post-lunch brain fog rendered that impossible. I don't understand why I can't eat millet. So far, I've been able to eat millet on a single occasion without brain fog: the time I pre-soaked the grain. Why would that make a difference? Why would that make a favorable difference? The soaked millet didn't take as long to cook, so I ended up over-cooking it a bit; wouldn't that increase the glycemic index?

I found another office suite over the weekend. It runs natively on Linux and is "100%" compatible with MS Office proprietary document formats. Wonderful, except for the bright, blinding GUI. More hours spent wasted trying to change app colors.

My manager wrote (or typed?) that I did well on my editing sample. The only problems were an empty comment and one sentence fragment, but I think that sentence was the one that was impossible to edit because I couldn't figure out the intended meaning. I guess the comment I tagged it with was insufficient. This raises the question of what I should do in the case of incomprehensible sentences.

Was yet again a victim of attempted e-mind-reading this afternoon. Why do people do this. It was on a psychology forum, ironically. Double irony, the person was telling me that I should involve myself with people more. Yeah, maybe if they weren't idiots. I managed not to make an angry response. Is that a good thing. I try to believe that it's better to avoid hurt feelings or confrontation, bu I usually end up feeling frustrated with myself when I don't set people straight.

My VOR counselor seems to be profoundly confused, which does not bode well for my case. The first communication we had about my new job was when I forwarded him the job offer. He said that he needed the contract, so I e-mailed the contract, explaining that I'd signed it digitally. Today, he sent a direct reply to this explanation, directing me to sign the contract and then send him the job offer. It took me some time to figure out how to even respond to that.

I bought some new toothpaste today. I think it's called Earth something. No foreign ingredients. I wonder, do I really need flouride in my toothpaste? I've been brushing without flouride for a while now and my tooth don't look bad.

Downstairs neighbor and her TV again last night, after nearly a week of quiet, the evening before I needed to get up early. I got out of bed and went out in the cold to complain, she apologized, I came back upstairs and could still hear the TV. Laid and waited. And waited. TV got louder. I tried to drown out the sound with the bathroom fan, but to no avail. Whoever was supposed to contact me about last week's complaint hasn't called, nor do I expect anyone to call because the apartment complex is being transferred to an entirely different management company, effective the day after tomorrow. So I will have to make a new complaint with a whole new company.

I'm trying to not be in a bad mood.

improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
thecheckingoftheprivilege is literally the best tumblr ever and definitely one of the top twenty best things on the Internet. If I died laughing at it, I would be content that my last moments would have been well spent. No I wouldn't, because dead people don't experience contentment.
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
Rather than smelling like the usual cigarette smoke, today my bathroom smells like Chinese take out. It is hungrifying.

Was demotivated during this evening's workout due to lack of heavy weights and proper equipment.

The more water I drink during the day, the more I sweat at night. It isn't night terrors, just extensive, unexplained sweating. It makes no sense; I'm not hot at night. Hah I wonder if I'm experiencing anxiety in my sleep.

No more low carb for me. I will just stick with my regular high-carb 980 kcal diet for however long it takes to burn off these last...I can't tell how much it is, ten pounds of fat? Months, years, I don't care. My meals are filling enough that the diet is sustainable long-term, and I like the routine. LOVE my raw oat bran breakfast, so perfect for autumn mornings when paired with a hot cup of chicory-rye-barley and carob coffee.

I cannot muster enough give-a-damn to clean the house on a regular basis. It's not filthy, just messy. The diet routine keeps the kitchen from getting any messier. One of the benefits of not having anyone over is that I don't feel obliged to clean for anyone. I like to think about that motivational saying that goes something like: when you look back on your life on your deathbed, will you be wishing that you'd worked more? I sure as hell won't be wishing that I'd spent more time cleaning.

I've begun to appreciate, to truly understand this self-acceptance thing. I'm a slob and I accept that. I have mental health issues and I accept that. There is one thing that I have EXTREME difficulty accepting, however. It is a curious thing because it isn't even a flaw per se. Well, I accept my non-acceptance. I will try to sit back, relax, and observe myself not accepting it.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
While waiting for my blood sugar to stabilize, here I am. It's blood sugar. Not iron, not B12. I added back in the half a teaspoon of peanut butter I'd cut from breakfast, and I was fine. What a difference such a little bit protein makes. I added back in the ounce of tofu I'd been having for lunch, but that either wasn't enough or, more likely, came too late, as lunch was delayed.

I looked for some local volunteer opportunities yesterday and found out that I'd have to pay for my own background check to volunteer for the city, reimbursed after about a month if the city makes use of my services. They've the right to decline volunteer services, then I'd be out of money, and probably in the same boat if there were no suitable positions available.

I've been looking for a way out and it seems there is none for the forseeable future. There is womyn's land up in Washington; as much as I'd prefer California, I'd consider the move but I'd have no income. And would they even allow me to stay indefinitely, and could I find a way to keep my housing voucher? I've had it. There's little for me here. I was more psychologically stable when I lived outdoors and I want it back, dare I say, I need it back. Maybe when (if ever) I get some income, I can take a trip up there and scout the place out. Ugh, trips. Trips mean migraines. A night trip would help. It's a plan.

I was right about my new downstairs neighbors. Blasting rap with the window open. I wasn't able to enjoy my break on the balcony.

Well, what else is there to report; I've not much to say that is uplifting, as usual. I'm learning Python via an edX course and it is pleasantly challenging and going quite well, an excellent way to keep myself occupied. I had the audacity to add Python to my resumé.

I've reached the point at which I can see my biceps without flexing, yay. My thighs feel strong but there's still too much jiggly fat on the underside of them. I'm able to see a difference when I look in the mirror now. But my clothes are getting too loose and I've no money to replace them :(

I e-mailed the county housing authority and got some information for my sister about how she can get an apartment. She's been having trouble renting since our mom started a fire in the apartment she was last leasing. That's not totally good news because I finally gave in after trying for months to get my sister to contact the HA herself.

This is boring, right? My political posts are more interesting, but they inspire unpleasant thoughts.
I have plenty of those sorts of posts at the ready. They pop into my head regularly. I just don't post them. What is the point; nothing will change, no one cares, misery and stupidity and misunderstanding the world over will continue and then we will all die. There is a bit of relief in focusing on the small things. Looking for a job, planning my workouts, thinking about volunteering. Maybe that's part of the reason I fared so much better while unconventionally housed; I had plenty of small things to occupy my mind, every day. Got some good exercise as well. I felt so alive. Standing out in the rain, being cold. Nothing but tent fabric and a sleeping bag between me and the wind. Now I got hours of yapping while I'm trying to enjoy the calm of the evening. I'll take the challenges nature sends my way over the ones people pose ANY DAY.

My blood sugar is mostly back to normal, so back to studying I go.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
I can't even remember everything I was thinking, but I got it into my head earlier today to try a raw vegan diet. I think that my brains were addled by low blood sugar because my physical therapy appointment ran past lunchtime. When I got back from the appointment, I saw that there really wasn't much of anything to eat, so I decided, why not a trial run of this raw vegan thing? I went to the grocery store and bought five bananas. I ate four of them at once, and the fifth an hour or two later.

It was not a very satisfying meal. I felt full, but it was boring and it wasn't easy to choke down all that sugar. I'm rather sensitive to sweetness, and I haven't been able handle much fruit since I gave it up on the advice of university nutritionist right after I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. The thought of eating fruit all the time is nauseating. I started looking for some raw vegan recipes.

I was not impressed. The diet is very limiting to someone who doesn't much care for fruit. I was looking at somebody's raw vegan website as a guide and there were a lot of foods that were not recommended for raw consumption due to digestion issues. Most of them were rather obvious. I've no interest in trying to manage raw yams or raw broccoli. I would be able to dispense with many kinds of cooked foods, but I don't know what I would do without the delicious sushi I have twice a month. I'm rather attached to my coconut flour and flax meal pancake breakfast as well.

Maybe I was attracted to the promise of increased energy and the hope of curing my migraines.

I love dreamwidth for caching my unsubmitted posts. I just knocked out the power plug and now I'm back to where I left off.

Anyways, riboflavin doesn't seem to be doing jack shit for migraines. Next on the list is magnesium. But I don't want to take any more vitamins. I think that it would be better to get magnesium from food. However, it's difficult to get sufficient vitamins on my current caloric intake. If all goes as planned, I'll be at this for another two months before I hit goal weight.

I'm rambling. Last night I dreamt that I was in some kind of leisure club for casual sex, which is odd because I'm icked out by casual sex. Oh, but the situation felt far from icky in the dream. It was in a big house and it was like the most happeningest sleepover. It was night and they were young and full of energy and the house was bright and inviting. Was I young? I felt young, but I wasn't really thinking about myself. I was unself-conscious. I found someone I liked and we played some sort of game that involved me chasing her through the levels of the house. Then we found an empty room. And dammit, before things could get interesting, I woke up! What's with that??? This isn't the first time it's happened with a sexy dream.

I wonder if I'll have vivid dreams tonight because of those bananas.

Someone from the Code Compliance division of the local PD returned my call and informed me that the rooster situation is illegal, and that she'd already reported the situation to Humane Animal Services or whatever (which is different than Animal Control?) with a unit number. Where did she get that unit number? From the cop who said she would get it "for me," apparently. I misunderstood and thought that she would tell me the number so that I could give it to Animal Control myself.

Well, we'll see. I forgot to get information about when the report is made, so I don't know when to expect some action. The rooster is most definitely still here.

From the same person who authored the raw vegan site, I got the idea to convert my pathetic little workstation into a standing workstation. I'd considered getting a standing desk before, but, far as I know, the closest available ones are at Ikea (which is far for me), are expensive, and are made out of toxic materials (I've since had my heart set on an unvarnished wooden desk). But dude is a minimalist and put his own crap together as a trial run, so I was inspired to do the same. I brought my laptop to the kitchen and set it atop a stack of science textbooks, which are resting on my old trumpet case, which is resting on the kitchen table. My keyboard is resting on my music stand, and this arrangement seems much better for my RSI.

I figured that I could squeeze a bit more calorie-burning power out of this old carcass by standing to work, and I do indeed move around more. Gotta burn as many calories as possible 'cause I can't reduce caloric intake any lower. Well, it was ok for a while, but my legs got tired and I called it quits for the day. I'll try to gradually work up to standing for the whole amount of time that I'm using the laptop.

I have a crush on my physical therapist. Womyn are just wonderful. I think that I'm now just a bit extra-quick to get crushes on people because I get no attention :( Pathetic. Another influential thing I read on this raw vegan website was in the section about overall health. Relationships are important to health. Unfortunate for me. If I'm truly dedicated to my health, I have to take care of that aspect as well. I can't just settle for no relationships anymore than I can settle for migraines and vitamin D deficiency. Yet, it's the hardest part, the part I have the least control over. Where do I find anyone who likes iconoclass.


Jun. 27th, 2015 11:46 pm
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Today I spent half the day upgrading my OS, including reading the novelette-sized release notes and upgrade instructions. All because I presumably need the latest version of R for my data science course. Between that and not having much energy, I didn't accomplish much today.

Yesterday, I decided to skip my daily B12 dosage to find out if I could switch to taking it every other day. Early this afternoon, it became quite obvious that I cannot. I was back to my old afternoon lethargy. Maybe I need to build up some B12 stores before I can begin taking the supplement less often.

I feel lethargic again this evening. Maybe I didn't eat enough. I had more snacks and a broiled potato and exceeded my daily caloric allotment in the process, but I still feel weird. I don't want to go to bed.

I found some nice furniture at the thrift store down the street: a kitchen table and a small cabinet-like thing that I am using as a nightstand for a total of thirty-five dollars. What I need the most is a computer desk and chair, but that is nowhere to be found in town except at the dreaded Wal-Mart. I could order from ikea, but the delivery cost would be $99.

I wish that I could use some of this grant money on a safetype keyboard. I signed an agreement which specifies that I have to report my expenditures to the granting institution, and I cannot purchase anything other than what I asked for without prior permission. I don't feel comfortable asking for permission. Maybe if I buy more cheap furniture, I can ask to spend the leftover money on the safetype.

I found an ergonomic mouse for cheap on amazon, but it's much to unwieldy to use without a desk. This is compounded by the fact that it does not roll so much as slide.


Apr. 17th, 2014 04:11 pm
improperlyhuman: this icon is a picture of crowd of people with text "please stop breeding" (breeding)
My remote-posting client keeps losing my posts and my laptop keeps shutting off. My power adapter has gotten weird.

Long story short, I went to the VA today, met with the social worker, and applied for a subsidized housing program. I also got processed for a veteran's ID card. I still don't have a short-term housing plan, though. I can't accomplish anything VA-related without a phone. I've left my e-mail address with at least a couple of people and have received no response. The people who work on the homeless program are mandated to contact me within 24 hours of first contact. And people wonder why there are so many homeless veterans. No ever answers their damned phone! And no one wants to stay in their shelters, either.

My arms don't hurt so much anymore.
improperlyhuman: (thinking)
I hate that I have to split myself into a million different pieces to communicate with people. I can't discuss anything intellectual on the lesbian forum, I can't discuss feminism on the schizoid or autism forums, I can't discuss veganism or white supremacy on the gifted forum, I can't discuss introversion on the vegan forum. I never know what the hell I can discuss with people I meet on the street. Next to nothing, probably. I guess it's normal, but I don't like it and I don't know how to deal with it. It's crazy-making. Why do I torture myself with these things? I should give up. I was reading a giftedness blog and it said that the way to enjoy socializing and get along with people is to give up on having meaningful conversations, stroke people's egos, and accept that there would only be a few people with which one would be able to share one's full depth. How wonderful.

I am made up of a million little minority boxes. Something tells me this isn't really the way things are, that my perspective is warped even though I can't see how. It's my own fault for expecting to be able to share everything. Everyone must have their non-mainstream scenes and have no trouble managing the compartments of themselves. A lot of my compartments overlap, though, and I sometimes have to figure out how to re-word and simplify things to prevent the overlap from driving my interlocutor into unknown territory.

The gifted advice (which is near-revolutionary to my mind) is to seek out places where the people one wishes to interact with can be found. Come to think of it, class differences are also part of the problem. But where shall I go? If I had money, I would hang out at the academic conferences. There are sharp people there. But I have difficulties communicating with people, even just communicating interest, and people's tendencies to talk down to me sure don't set things off on the right foot.

I feel like I'm locked in a box with only a few openings through which to reach people.
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