improperlyhuman: (Default)
I spent about three and a half hours on my bike this afternoon. I'd expected to go about my day once I got home, but I haven't yet recovered, probably due in part to my having slept so little last night.

I found a bunch of tomatoes on the side of the road when I stopped to look for a place to pee. They were out in farmland, so they must have fallen off the truck on its way from the harvest.

I don't really enjoy the conversations I have with people. Even the good ones are kind of dull.

Playing the clarinet still hurts my mouth. Muscles still weak.

I am currently reading Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney, M.D. So far it hasn't been as useful as Our Inner Conflicts, but it is informative and interesting. I expect the next book—Self-Analysis—to be more useful than the former. Actually, I think (hope) I'm nearly done with the self-analysis phase. Everything seems so clear to me now that I struggle to imagine that much more remains to be unearthed.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm sleeping much better these days, and the crushing fatigue is gone, although I have wanted a short nap a couple afternoons. I've stopped making breakfast at night so that I can relax a bit more before I go to sleep. Putting breakfast together in the morning and waiting a half hour or so while it sits in the fridge works just fine.

I can't figure out whether I'm an INTP or an INTJ. I was so excited to finally receive my copy of Gifts Differing yesterday, but the descriptions of the cognitive functions are unclear. I cannot tell the difference between Ne/Ni and Te/Ti.

I'm disappointed. If the goddamned creator of this theory has not described it clearly, I have no hope that anyone else really understands it. I could just give up on self-typing. The point of typing myself is to decide which self-growth material I should read; I could read stuff for both INTPs and INTJs.

My therapy session went quite well this week. I told the shrink my concern about not being listened to, and she seemed to take it to heart. And why wouldn't she?

I burn up in the afternoons because I can't afford to run the air conditioner much, and it only cools the living room when I do run it.

I'm still having problems with boredom. Still waiting for a response from my voc rehab counselor about getting legal fees covered. Still hardly getting any work, still not saving up to move away. I have to face the unpleasant but very likely probability that I will be here for another winter, so I have to get after the landlord to put in a heater.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
To change up my fasted cardio workout I went out on my bike instead of staying indoors on the spinning bike this morning. Paid for it with an all-day migraine, albeit a mild one. So pretty much nothing got done today. Again.

I was killing the deadlifts this evening when I suddenly forgot how to deadlift on my third rep. Again!

I looked up technical jobs for people who are better with theory than practice. I didn't come up with much! Maybe software testing.

I have 9 measly OkC matches in a 500 mile radius. What's up with that? This is California. Should be crawling with vegan lesbians. But what would I do with any of them anyhow, given that I'm trapped in town?

Today I started to get super worried and worked up about the possibility of having heretofore unnoticed/difficult to fix shit wrong with me because of my childhood. Worry, worry, worry. When will I stop. When I have something solid to hold onto, a rock I can step on to once I step off the merry-go-round of worry.


May. 14th, 2017 07:31 am
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I stay up late now because that's when I'm awake and therefore able to use my brain.

Was on edge this evening because I tried to energize myself with caffeine. It didn't work.

I've increased my Vitamin D3 and I hope to feel better within a few days' time like I did the last time I increased it.

Ok now I'm sleepy.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I need chalk for weightlifting at this point.

I'm going to cancel my sanitation service and just throw my scant few pieces of trash into public receptacles. Tomorrow is garbage collection day, my last.

People who are strongly interested in other people are creepy and foreign to me.

I gave my sister an ultimatum, but she once again failed to call me back about coming to get her stuff, so I go to throw it out and find that it's mostly trash! And it won't all fit into my small trash can. Well, at least I don't have to feel bad about throwing it away. I made sure to save my mom's letters and pictures (grandparents I never even knew). Throwing that out would be cruel.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I tried to make some raw broccoli soup day before yesterday. The blade didn't seem to be touching anything, so I grabbed a knife and tried to gently push the broccoli downwards in the blender. I somehow stabbed straight through the hard plastic. So now there's a large crack in my blender.

I've been SO SO bored lately.

Shit, I'm too sleepy to post anymore.

Woot! As of tomorrow I'll be squatting NINETY-FIVE POUNDS. That badonkadonk is coming in nicely.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I had the whole damned day to work on my client's blog post and I couldn't even manage to start. I sat for hours here in this lawn chair with my head in my hand, waiting for the energy to return to me. It didn't come until this evening. I tend to feel more energetic in the evenings, and I don't know why.

My skin is peeling again. I'm treating it the same way I've been treating it, so I don't know what the problem is. My face is filthy, my pores full of white gunk that is spilling out of them like little worms. Less than $300 in my bank account. My life is a mess. I can't do even the simplest chores. A pail of bloody pads will be stinking up the bathroom soon if I don't do some laundry.

Once I get this fatigue under control...shit, forgot what I was gonna say.

My voc rehab counselor finally responded to my email. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I won't be able to study for the editing certificate with no energy.

Well. At least I've been in a good mood lately. Worrying about shit is such a waste of energy. No more anger. No more banging my head against the wall. Not really any hitting myself in the head either, just one or two light taps when my neighbor gets me worked up. It's under control.

I remember! Once I get the fatigue under control, I need to start adulting a little better. If not for the white paint on the kitchen cabinets (which made the gooey hand marks visible), I would never have even thought of scrubbing the cabinet doors.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm running out of money. The goddamned garbage service is killing me. Thirty dollars per month for someone I use only once per month.

At least it's not cold anymore. I actually had to open windows today because my cooking made the apartment so warm. No more sky-high heating bills.

I miss my sideburns :(

INTJ is a rare MBTI type, and so our weak points are rare. And not well understood. So I'm like, who is going to put up with an INTJ? INTJ weak points are going to seem like stuff everybody else learned in adolescence.

Or maybe that's not INTJs in general. Maybe that's just me.

I don't like it, that's all I can say right now. Sleepy. I don't even want to ask for advice.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I income-qualified for some sort of energy savings program provided by PG&E, someone came by today and put in new light fixtures, energy-saving lightbulbs, a low-flow multi-setting showerhead, weatherstripping, and insulation for the furnace. For FREE.

I also got a surge protector (just what i needed for my computers). If the electrical outlets in the kitchen were grounded, I'd be able to get a free microwave.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
My VA social worker brought me a white noise machine today. It's smaller than what I'd imagined. It looks like an oversized smoke alarm.

Debian is hanging at boot time. Again. I'm probably gonna have to re-install.

Day before yesterday, I bought A Wind In The Door by Madeleine L'Engle at the library's book sale. 3 books for a dollar, pay on the honor system. The way L'Engle's characters talk is so odd. I can't place it at all; it doesn't seem realistic.

I've had a mild headache for three or four days now.

I used to put everything thought in this journal; now I have things I don't want to post about, even though I doubt that anyone will ever see them. I don't know what's changed.

I haven't heard from astramance in a long time. I occasionally wonder if I hurt her or whether she just decided not to contact me anymore.

Life is just kinda like "meh, whatever. it is what it is." Except for the space bar on this laptop, which has recently begun sticking something fierce and is driving me insane. Nothing "meh" about that.

My legs are shapely.

improperlyhuman: (Default)
Super bored this evening.  I spent today studying grammar and trying to fix software that Debian downloaded but failed to configure. I've got two stacks of novels here that I looked through, but the ones I haven't read yet seem pretty boring. "Pretty boring" needs to be understood in light of my difficulty focusing. I finally decided on Prince Lestat by Anne Rice. Maybe I can get into the vampire thing again.

I'd hoped to re-join wind band once I'd moved here, but transportation out of town is much too expensive. That's too bad because I really need to get out of the apartment. And I'm ready to get out of the apartment. But I wouldn't have anywhere to practice anyhow. I must be terribly rusty.

So I decided what that other blog is going to be about, enough to start it up, anyways. I think I'll do that tonight, since I probably won't be able to fall asleep for a while.

Today I watched an hour-long interview about weight loss for females with Lyle McDonald, who has researched and written several books about weight loss and fitness. Recently newly devoted to my diet, I've decided to eat at maintenance one or two days per week to avoid having my hormones and metabolism crash. That should coincide with the days I cycle hard.

I need some new weights for my barbell row, but I can't afford the shipping and handling charges. Hell, I actually shouldn't be buying the weights themselves. I'm down about it. If only I could get some more work!

I've considered leaving the money situation up to fortune and just buying the weights regardless of my financial situation because lifting is so important to me, and goddess knows I need it in my life. I'll probably end up cutting back on barbell rows because I can't deal with the loud clanging of the weights I currently have, which, I've discovered, fit poorly on the bar.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I can barely even concentrate long enough to post in this journal. I jump from one thing to another and play atris in between. I manage to get things done piece by piece. I can't focus on my books even though I want very much to read them. What's going on with me?

The landlord is coming tomorrow morning, and I'm dreading it. I always get anxious about having landlords and property managers over because I'm paranoid that they'll find that I've done something destructive to the apartment, or will be upset that the apartment is messy.

I suddenly have an unusual amount of restless energy tonight. What am I gonna do with that?? I'll give you a hint: it involves a battery.

Despite eating healthier, less calorie-dense foods, I've gained weight, presumably because I've not been cycling all day like I did when I was living in the shelter. My thighs and gut are too big.

Lifting doesn't seem to do much for weight loss, even when paired with a bit of cardio. I either have to be on that bike all day (which I want badly to do) or diet (which I really do not want to do. In fact, I'm grumpy and hungry right now). The spinning bike is no substitute; riding it is way too damned boring for me to replicate the length of the workouts I get on my bicycle.

Oh thank goodness, I'm finally getting sleepy.  Merciful unconsciousness.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Got another haircut today. Goddamn I love the feel of my own scalp against my hand.

Finally started clearing the floor today! I've got my math, science, foreign language, and some computer science books piled up neatly against the kitchen walls. The landlord is coming to see about the busted heater, so that motivated me a bit to clean up. For like half a second I felt bad that I couldn't motivate myself to clean the apartment, but whatever.

I've been overeating (as in, not dieting) a bit and I hardly even care. Tired of being on a diet. My thighs are also starting to get bigger (increase in muscle with no decrease in fat), so I really need to get on the cycling thing. I didn't go out today. I have one day per week off from exercise, and I decided that should be Friday instead of Saturday.

I'm not eating much protein. Once I start lifting heavy again, I know the hunger pangs are gonna start. For now, I don't wanna eat any legumes.

I sure do miss sex.

I've been trying to not have resentful and irritated thoughts about people, but I'm having a hard time managing that.  According to the Myers-Briggs personality system, one of my most underdeveloped functions is extraverted feeling, which has to do with maintaining social harmony and establishing shared values. Definitely not my forté.

I try to gear myself up to even consider developing that function, and I feel angry and resentful. Not a good start, lol. I dunno, I guess in my mind I just see more of me conforming to other people's expectations and not getting what I need in return, and of course I've little motivation for that. I need to figure out where/how to find some compatible people without exhausting myself by meeting random person after random person.

But the people like me stay at home or are hidden in libraries somewhere.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Well, I'm not clinically depressed.

Traveling through three cities just to go grocery shopping was a pain in the ass. All that way and the store didn't even have pumpkin pie spice. This is why I need to shop at co-ops. I've become accustomed to relatively easy access to specialty grocery items, and I use them daily. I almost missed the last bus home, too.

You know what irks me? Novel titles that give no information whatsoever about the story. Consider a book called Their Eyes Were Watching God. What the hell is that about? When I come across novels with titles like this, I quickly put them back on the shelf or pass them by because I know the story will probably be boring. There's some sort of relationship between overly creative titles and dull novels.

Hey! I ran into another vegan today. She rang up my food at the grocery store and asked me if I was a vegan after grabbing my Daiya supreme pizza. Go vegans.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I overloaded my apartment's b.s. electrical system, couldn't find the circuit breakers, and spent hours without power this evening. That's only the 4 millionth reason to hate this place.

I decided that I'd be better oft talking to a therapist than exposing myself to random collections of morons for fleeting tastes of intellectual stimulation. At least therapists act maturely and don't troll you. I'm not sure what my therapeutic goal is, though. I just want to not be frustrated and unhappy anymore.

I was surprised to find that there is one in town, and covered by my insurance! I will be contacting her right away tomorrow.

My laptop battery died permanently today.

I'm struggling to remember my squat technique. I had to drop weight from 50 to 30 pounds today.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Not posting feels weird, but what is there to say? I can't remember/it doesn't seem so important.

I've been participating on a particular forum a lot (a lot for me, which is 5–10 posts per day). I still don't feel totally comfortable there (I don't feel totally comfortable anywhere online) because I feel like a target for being a radical feminist and an ethical vegan (and just generally concerned with oppression). But I'm getting some intellectual stimulation, and that feels good :)

I've left good discussions because I got fearful that people will get frustrated and/or angry at me because I take the discussion "too seriously" or respond too much/too in-depth. That's happened to me enough in the past that I've developed anxiety around it. I'm dealing with people who are more like me now, so I shouldn't be so afraid (and I'm not as afraid as I would be otherwise), but the anxiety is still there, especially given that I'm experiencing some misunderstandings, but not serious, fundamental misunderstandings.

I got a lot of things done today, and I feel good about that.

I'm moving out of the tent. I think more of the fleas have died off, and I'm tired of sleeping inside the tent. I feel cut off and don't want to deal with unzipping it anymore.


Dec. 14th, 2016 11:26 pm
improperlyhuman: screenshot of Apocalypse from X-Men: The Animated Series (apocalypse)
I finally got some sleep on those buckwheat hulls.

I was super bored this evening due to lack of someone to talk to.

I finally figured out that my OkCupid search was set to "women interested in women" instead of lesbians. So I filtered the match results down to lesbians only; now I only have like ten matches, and most of the match scores are low. I won't be using that site much anymore; just leaving the profile up in case a vegan comes along.

OkC sent me an email about regions of the world that had the best and worst matches for me. The United States was the second worst country, lol.

I need to focus my search on a vegan dating website.

i have somewhere between three and five flies in my apartment, and I cannot get rid of them. I've been leaving windows open, but they never fly outside. I tried luring them to the window with light (candles) and even turning off my bedroom light to make the candle more visible. I've tried swatting them gently towards the window, but they always turn around and fly back into the room in a zigzag pattern.

I don't know what to do! I don't want to kill them. I've never known flies that did not want to get outside, nor have I known flies that so boldly land on me and stuff near me. One landed in a container that I was eating out of! I was holding it in my hand.

No more organic potatoes at the grocery store this evening! I was disappointed.

I embarked upon a grand adventure by disassembling my laptop. I removed and replaced the processor, but, alas, nothing has changed. I guess it's over :( It's so hard to say goodbye.

Seems like I've gained weight in the last week...

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I called Social Services about my missing food stamps and was told that they'd sent a new EBT card to my old address (the shelter). The person who answered the phone at the shelter said they "probably" didn't have any mail for me, since they return mail to sender if the recipient isn't on the shelter roster. He didn't actually check, of course.

Well, I never got the new card, and the soonest way to get another was to go to a Social Services office. Since I had food stamps transferred to the county the shelter is in, and the transfer over to this county isn't complete, I had to go back to the former. That trip cost me over sixteen dollars one way.

Getting the EBT card took forever (over an hour), but I was determined to go grocery shopping while I was in town. I ended up missing the last bus back into town, and I spent sixty-five dollars on a cab! I could have spent a fraction of that on groceries for today and took the earlier bus out of town tomorrow to get my shopping done in time. I'd hoped to get a haircut while I was in a big city, but that was totally out of the question. I could have spent a fraction of that amount on a cab, too, if the county had confirmed my eligibility for the disabled taxi program, but I haven't yet received a response. Convenient.

That fire is still costing me money.

I also have a migraine from not eating for half the day, all day travel, dehydration, or a combination of all three. I had a cup of coffee, but it didn't help.

It sure did feel good to be riding in bike lanes again.

Yay my package from Goodwell arrived today. The proprietary material of which their flossers are made is supposed to be compostable and biodegradable. It looks and feels like straight up plastic. The toothpaste is fluoride-free! I'd thought that it contained fluoride. All the "healthy" toothpastes are fluoride-free, but I don't know if I should trust this trend. All I know is that my teeth have plaque on them and aren't very white, and the dentist emphatically told me to use a fluoride toothpaste.

I should be going to bed. Looking at computer screens always makes migraines worse.

The social services office has several monitors hanging from the ceiling. The monitors show which number is being called, and the window to which the corresponding ticket holder should report. Of course this information was nothing but a blur to me, so I had to don eyeglasses to read it. That didn't help with the migraine.

Every time a new number is added to the list, the monitors make a noise that sounds exactly like a Windows error. So frickin annoying. I guess whoever designed that must have had some lulz.

Well, I have groceries now. But I overspent. Somehow I bought over eleven dollars worth of brussel sprouts?! Because of the headache, I was a mess by the time I got to the grocery store. I have twenty-nine dollars left. I doubt that that's enough for greens and potatoes for the rest of the month. Oh, and I've no money left over for bananas, which are supposed to make up my fifth meal of the day. I've planned out my meals again to complement my fitness regimen:

Breakfast: raw oat bran mixed with stewed fruit, pumpkin pie spice, and fresh ground peanut butter, washed down with a hot drink made from unsweetened coconut milk, water, and some sort of unsweetened powdered drink mix (chicory and rye)

Brunch: baked potatoes or baked sweet potatoes

Lunch: potatoes or sweet potatoes

Supper: legume soup or legume curry (protein for muh gainz) with greens

Dinner: bananas

I did get a shitload of sweet potatoes, which cost me twenty-seven dollars. Money well spent! They are so tasty and satisfying. Easy to cook, too! I just pop them in the oven, sometimes cutting them in half or thirds if they're thick, but I chose slim ones this time.

My thighs are sore :(

UPS apparently tried to deliver something (probably my buckwheat hulls) day before yesterday. I was home all day and heard nothing. That's another thing I dislike about this apartment: I'm very isolated from outside. Actually, maybe I didn't hear anything because I spend all my time in the bedroom.

improperlyhuman: (iconoclass)
I finally got my Internet installed today. The tech was late, so I was afraid that I would get stood up a third time. The installation only took ten minutes! All this waiting for something that takes ten minutes...

I finally moved all my stuff here from storage yesterday. I thought that the storage facility pro-rated the monthly rate, but I was wrong, so I'm out of fifty-five dollars that I could have saved had I moved my stuff out earlier instead of waiting to see if veteran's services could get me a new desk! Dammit!

I surprised myself by moving everything except my spinning bike into the apartment last night (I didn't have to return the truck until this afternoon). I was a bit dismayed at how heavy my bar felt when I picked it up :( I'm out of lifting shape.

The spinning bike weighs about one hundred pounds, and the stairs here are as steep as a San Francisco hill. Having the bike is of course important because I'm down about not being able to cycle. I went out to the truck early this morning to see about the bike. I removed the seat and handlebars, then began the disassembly proper until I soon saw that disassembling it would be difficult, if not impossible.

While I was taking out screws, a kid who introduced himself as Kaleb (with a "K," as he specified) came up to chat.

He asked me what the bike was, whether I was moving, what my name was, and what grade I was in lol. I told him that I'd already graduated from school, and he then asked how old I was. After I told him that I was thirty-six (well, in a couple of weeks), he asked me if I had some sort of condition that made me continue to look and sound young even though I was an adult. I didn't know how to answer that, so I said, "I guess." I was kind of irritated at first (I really don't think I look so terribly young), but I'm more tickled about it now.

I ended up hauling the bike up one stair at a time, which basically almost killed me. I think that's the reason why my right elbow is sore now.

I went shopping at the local thrift shop immediately after picking up th truck and clearing out my storage. I didn't find much clothing, but I did get another pair of pants and a few shirts.

My eyesight has apparently improved so much that I didn't even notice that I wasn't wearing my glasses when I started driving the truck. Or maybe I'm just too accustomed to not wearing glasses.

Still haven't been sleeping. I forced myself up and out from a failed nap to do laundry early this evening so that I wouldn't have to worry about anymore itching or fleas in my sleeping bag and liner.

Got work to do I can't complete; I don't even have the energy to put the screws back in the bike.

The latest bad news is that my food stamps will be available on a Saturday, but local public transportation provides no service on Saturdays, so I still won't have groceries for another two days.

My social worker is coming to see me next week and I am GLAD. We talked about me moving out ASAP. Lol she suggested that I get a white noise machine. No way in hell they make one loud enough to drown out my neighbor and the guests she has every damn day.

Oh, I almost forgot! Shortly after I arrived here with the truck, my neighbor also arrived, reeking of weed, or maybe a combination of weed and cigarette smoke. She annoyed me with a shitload of questions and personal information that I don't care about. As I stood contemplating the spinning bike before giving up for the night, she came back outside and asked me if I minded her asking if I was gay!! She even told me that she'd been discussing it with someone else she knows. What the hell??
All UP in my BIZ! I told her that I preferred to keep my private life private.

The landlord is planning to buy yet another heater, but a different type of heater than the first one he bought.

I finally got to start reading my copy of Yorugu: An Afro-centric Critique of European thought.
improperlyhuman: (trumpet)
The landlord wants to do something called "bug bombing" to deal with the fleas. This of course involves toxic chemicals (and my temporarily leaving the apartment) that I would rather avoid. I suggested the salt + vacuum cleaner solution, and he said that he wasn't sure how the salt would affect the carpet?! It's just table salt! He's willing to put toxic chemicals on the carpet, but not salt? People are exhausting.

I got nine books for a total of three dollars (paid on the honor system!) at the local library's book sale. One of them was a yoga book. I'm planning on adding a yoga practice to my morning routine. Wait, that'll get in the way of my morning cycling routine once I get my spinning bike here. I dunno.

While reading an alleged truscum tumblr this evening, I came across a question about how the questioner could deal with the fact that she'll never be male (and wants to be). The person running the tumblr suggested several things, including getting rid of mirrors and pictures. She used the words "you have to trick yourself." My goodness, these people and their self-deception. Is it really better to try your damndest to live a lie? 

I was trying to purchase some hemp undies online this evening, but the website would not work, probably because I have googleapis blocked. I started to wonder if that script was really dangerous in this context. I ended up skimming a discussion about the most secure browser. Someone suggested running a browser in a VM. I'd never thought of that before. Maybe I could do that with Google Docs, then I wouldn't have to turn down work!

Speaking of VMs, I almost died laughing at this xkcd comic:

It might be cool to get a new computer with a shitload of RAM and try this just to see how far I could get before I crashed it.

whoa, random déja-vu.

I felt mildly sad and resentful again now that my great match has disappeared, so I had to snap myself out of it.

Now that I'm far away from both the nearest VA medical facility and the soonest available neurology appointment, I'm once again eligible for the Veteran's choice program. I spoke to a program rep today to begin the process of finding myself a civilian doctor, and she asked if I had a gender preference! Wonderful.

I finally looked at my checking account balance a couple of days ago, and I found out that I blew through another thousand dollars between returning from Oregon and now. That scarcely seems possible. I had two thousand in my account at the time of the fire, and another eleven hundred once I got my security deposit. Including the price of my "new" bike, my trip couldn't have cost more than six hundred dollars, and that's a generous estimate.

Oh well, it's gone now.
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