improperlyhuman: (Default)
Only a little, however. I will stick to walking for a while.

I left my ex-shrink a voicemail six days ago, and she called me about it today, an hour before our old appointment time. I bet she just today listened to the voicemail, probably just before the appointed time. Every time I showed up, she was fiddling with her smart phone and seemingly not quite ready to start the session.

Today I received an email verifying my enrollment in the editing certificate program. Now I need to figure out how I'll afford books. I should have taken care of this months ago, but I procrastinated because I felt bad asking DOR for yet more financial assistance.

I was reading through a job post today when I thought of another thing I should be doing with clients, and I had another of those Completely Overwhelmed moments I sometimes (too often) have with respect to my career. I ended up looking into QA testing again (on onetonline.org). It seems this would not be a good career choice because I would have to keep up with new coding shit. I've only heard about developers having to keep up with new languages and frameworks, and that was enough to make me feel tired.

I have been trying to figure out how to contact university presses and offer my editorial services. Such a (seemingly) simple task that has gone so long undone. I hardly have anything to recommend me, however, so I don't see myself getting hired.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
The shrink still up to b.s. Today there was a wicked long silence after I spoke during our session, so I asked whether she had anything to say. She said she hadn't wanted to interrupt me, so I said that I'd finished. Then she had to nerve to tell me I that wasn't finished speaking! The hell?

Still looking for emotions that aren't there as well. I told her that I was angry, but she kept looking. I bet if I lied and told her what she expected to hear, she'd believe me.

I showed my frustration but was in general hella chill about all this. I've begun, however, to consider leaving therapy. She's not helping me. I'm actually being hindered by having to field all her crap before we can get down to the actual issues I bring up. I'm doing a great job of identifying my own problems, and I'm starting to see the way to solve them as well, particularly with the reading I've been doing.

She seems to persist in the belief that I see her to have someone to talk to, despite my telling her multiple times that that isn't the case. So she sits there silently, offering me no solutions.

I bought some natural sleeping pills. They definitely help me to fall asleep, but the problem of waking up too early persists. So, rather than trying to force myself into a sleeping schedule, I'm just gonna stay up as long as I want and see if the resulting exhaustion helps me to sleep long enough. I always feel great in the evenings and want to stay up forever to accomplish all the things I couldn't do during the day.

I went back and read some of Jung's Psychological Types. I found it much more understandable this time. That lack of brain fog makes a helluva difference. So I decided that INTP fits me best. Maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of what Jung wrote; INTP is, after all, a classification of Myers-Briggs, which is based on, but not identical to, Jung's typology. Eh whatevs.

I'm re-growing my duck tail, a bigger duck tail that will be a nice heavy braid (I hope). I cut off the little rat tail I had, which looked stupid because my hair back there was two different lengths.

I think I did something stupid in my mental haze the other day. I filled out a W-9 and gave the editing company my social security number. That wasn't safe. Well, at least my credit is already horrible, so they can't ruin it or get credit cards or whatever in my name. And maybe they are legit and just have shitty hiring practices. I guess I should call SSA. Shit. All this trouble because I'm having to work when I'm too ill to do so. Can't get unemployment and can't get SSDI. Trapped in the system.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm sleeping much better these days, and the crushing fatigue is gone, although I have wanted a short nap a couple afternoons. I've stopped making breakfast at night so that I can relax a bit more before I go to sleep. Putting breakfast together in the morning and waiting a half hour or so while it sits in the fridge works just fine.

I can't figure out whether I'm an INTP or an INTJ. I was so excited to finally receive my copy of Gifts Differing yesterday, but the descriptions of the cognitive functions are unclear. I cannot tell the difference between Ne/Ni and Te/Ti.

I'm disappointed. If the goddamned creator of this theory has not described it clearly, I have no hope that anyone else really understands it. I could just give up on self-typing. The point of typing myself is to decide which self-growth material I should read; I could read stuff for both INTPs and INTJs.

My therapy session went quite well this week. I told the shrink my concern about not being listened to, and she seemed to take it to heart. And why wouldn't she?

I burn up in the afternoons because I can't afford to run the air conditioner much, and it only cools the living room when I do run it.

I'm still having problems with boredom. Still waiting for a response from my voc rehab counselor about getting legal fees covered. Still hardly getting any work, still not saving up to move away. I have to face the unpleasant but very likely probability that I will be here for another winter, so I have to get after the landlord to put in a heater.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I tried doing an even lighter workout this evening, and I'm already starting to feel. Usually I don't feel bad until the morning after.

I love my hair. I've been taking very good care of it lately. For most of my life I had no idea how to keep it clean and moisturized. I was raised to put grease in my hair. I decided that wasn't good for my hair because grease blocks the follicles.

I would keep various types of moisturizer in my hair and not wash my hair often because washing dried it out, but that combination made my hair dirty. As an adolescent, I washed my hair so infrequently that I actually somewhat envied people who washed their hair daily. I still had dandruff and dry scalp.

Now I condition with oil (and sometimes shea butter), but wash it/them out the same day. I do this every day or every other day. I've discovered that I have to do it that often; missing just a few days leaves me with dandruff.

I was a bit upset yesterday. The shrink has begun doing to me that thing I hate, that thing that makes me not want to be around people. Guessing at what I'm thinking and not taking what I'm saying at face value. To put salt in the wound, she's partially basing her diagnosis of depression on her "observation" that I "isolate."

This time was a bit different, however. First I was telling her about a conversation I had, and she randomly asked me if my response was caused by hostility. Then she (out of the blue) told me that I seem to think that I'm aware of all of my motivations. She reminded me that people have an unconscious. I know damned well that I was paying better attention to the details of the conversation than she was (particularly given her having asked me for details I had stated not 5 minutes before), and I'm sure that I said nothing that justified that "observation."

I'm not going to put up with someone who thinks she know what I'm thinking better than I do. I am so done with that. I will think of a way to bring it up with her next week. If this doesn't work out, never again will I seek a female shrink. I give up! The only shrink I ever had who seemed to understand me was a guy.

My millet didn't finish cooking again. I used to cook it perfectly every single night, but I've been messing it up for the past month or two. I don't know what I'm doing differently. I'll just have undigestable millet in my gut tonight.

I'm going to be trying extra hard to get enough sleep so that I can continue lifting. No computer late at night (I shouldn't even be online now).
improperlyhuman: (Default)
It doesn't work anymore. For example, I had two Peanut Toffee Buzz Clif Bars and half a Red Bull yesterday, and I was still hella tired. But I dragged myself up for that workout anyhow. I had a double dose of Vitamin D3 today. Still tired. I suppose Vitamin D3 doesn't work so fast that I'd notice it in a matter of hours anyhow.

Good news, though: My concentration has much improved. Racing, anxious thoughts have decreased somewhat. It seems I'm able to read a bit again, so I've ordered my next selection of old school lesbian fiction: The Haunting at Hill House.

I'm trying harder to save up to move away, so I'll be taking the shuttle to go grocery shopping. Yesterday in the shower I suddenly saw that I'd be better off saving up the money I spend on the taxi service for some good earphones. On second thought, I think the best are Bose, and they cost like three hundred dollars.

I told the shrink my concerns about delving into my dysfunctional childhood, and that dissipated my hesitation quite a bit. We talked about it and it wasn't as big of a deal as I'd feared, largely because we didn't go into detail. These books on the topic, I'm about through with them because I can't strongly relate. My childhood didn't mess me up so badly.

I coulda swore I just saw little stars swirling around out of the corner of my eye.

I eat so much nowadays, it is ridiculous. Wouldn't it be funny if I put on so much muscle that I couldn't comfortably feed myself on food stamps? Ha.

The shrink was surprised when I told her that my parents were criminals. I think she thought that I came from money, lol. She said that she imagined that my dad was a successful businessman and ran a traditional family. Nope. Long ways from traditional we were. My parents weren't even married.

I feel at peace today. I really decided to stop worrying about what I might be missing and how weird I might seem, it is really setting in. Thinking it was just the first step; I had to let it percolate in my sub-conscious a bit.

I Might Be

May. 26th, 2017 11:22 pm
improperlyhuman: icon says: Radical Feminism: Females First. Always. (females first)
Maybe I'm uncomfortable in sit-down restaurants and prefer to eat at my computer rather than a table because my family never sat down at a table to eat together all at once. We didn't have regular mealtimes either.

Maybe I'm terrible at keeping an apartment clean because I never had to keep a home clean. I wasn't ever given chores as a child. No one ever taught me how to clean a place of dwelling.

Maybe I have a poor sense of time because I had no schedules at home while I was growing up. I remember having a 9 PM bedtime for a while when I started school, but that didn't endure. School was the only place I had to be, and I had to rely on other people to get me there. I wasn't allowed to walk or take the bus despite my wanting to do so. At school I relied on the bells and never paid attention to time.

People in my house often stayed up rather late. I could hear them as I lay in bed. There were no nighttime rituals, no baths or stories, nothing to get children ready for bed. Maybe that's why I've had insomnia on and off during my adult life. Maybe that's why I struggle to adapt to a new sleep/wake schedule.

These are the things I've come up with while going through It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, a self-help book for adult children of dysfunctional families. Not too bad, am I? I don't get into abusive relationships, I don't have low self-esteem, I don't "solve" interpersonal problems with yelling and violence, and I don't smoke weed and drink alcohol every night. Alas, some of my siblings did not fare so well :(

So I think I don't really need to re-visit all that childhood drama. The shrink keeps tryna take me back. I just need to use the alarm feature of my cellphone, practice minimalism, get myself a chore schedule, and make sure I rarely have to get up early for anything.

Hallelujah. Tomorrow is Saturday, my day off from spinning. Being on that bike is so boring. I can see those beautiful abs coming in...and I'm decreasing the calories again.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Once again I spent half the day emotionally paralyzed because of therapy. I could barely talk while I was there, kept breaking up. Something keeps telling me to stop talking, stop going, stop seeking help from others, and I end up fighting it instead of being 100% engaged while I'm there.

The therapist doesn't say much so I made myself talk, however haltingly. On the first or second visit, I mentioned that my dad had criticized me sometimes, and today she said that she wanted to talk about that next time. These damned therapists always want to pin everything on a person's childhood. I am not gonna let that happen to me again. My dad didn't criticize me that often and I didn't really take the criticism to heart, so I don't think it had a terribly strong effect on me, but of course there's no way to communicate that experience to her. 

Anyways, I decided to explore on my own whether I'm still suffering significantly from my dysfunctional childhood. I got a book about it from the library. The book says to look for traits in myself that I may have gotten from my parents, but I'm wildly different than they are. Whatever is going on with me, being like mom or dad isn't it.

I'm observing myself very anxious and freaking out about the therapist assuming something about me or misinterpreting something I say. I guess I will just tell her next time.I got the appointment moved to Wednesdays so that the all-day upsetfest doesn't interfere with lifting.

After I told the therapist that I didn't want to get to know a bunch of random people, it occurred to me that there is kind of a desperate quality to my social ambitions. I suppose that with no solid base of social support (friends/family), my priority must be to get some: an intimate relationship. I have known for some time that I might become more interested in friends after I had that primary relationship, but never thought much on why aside from my lifelong social disinterest and low social energy. Maybe I just don't want to waste time with friends because I know that that sort of relationship won't address what's missing.

During my walk this evening I started to wonder if I should go along with the therapist's plan to talk about my dad's criticism. I would have to tell her that I've reconsidered. Doing that really bothers me but I don't know why. Although I became very upset when she said that I looked depressed during our first visit, I reconsidered and decided that I I may have some sub-clinical depression. I thought that I should tell her that, but the prospect of doing so bothered me, and I don't know why.

I felt a bit less fatigued today.

I don't know if I have it in me to shoulder all this. I'm just tired of living improperlyhuman's life.

And I DO NOT want to be an editor.

I read something from another person who is Type 5. She said that it's important for Type 5s confidence and feelings of mastery to have jobs with clearcut...something, I can't remember. Well, editing isn't clearcut, like I've complained about before. Reading this was just more evidence that I should abandon ship.

I don't know if I should go through with the certificate anyways though. I don't know what to do. Good thing I haven't submitted the enrollment form yet. I guess I should first explore alternative careers. I'm gonna feel like an idiot if I decide to ask my voc rehab counselor to change my employment plan.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Squated one hundred and ten pounds this evening. I increased weight for all three of my exercises. I don't see how I'm going to squat much more than this because I'm putting an uncomfortable amount of pressure on my wrists to stabilize that weight, and I'm fairly sure my grip is proper. I got a copy of Starting Strength from the library. I have weak, puny wrists.

Saw therapist today and she surprised me a bit by focusing on breathing exercises that are supposed to help me sleep. I was quite worried about my ability to stick with these exercises because focusing on my body is so boring. The only way I can exercise for more than 5 minutes at a stretch is simultaneously watching videos or listening to music. I gots to start sleeping or my lifting will suffer.

Today was supposed to be grocery day, but I didn't want to reschedule my therapy appointment or go grocery shopping on a lifting day anyhow. I'm planning on going tomorrow though I know I won't have the energy for it. Haven't decided whether I'll take paratransit or not, but if I do, let's hope I remember to ask for a taxi driver that will not be playing the damned radio.

Right now I am downloading Tails, a security-based OS. It runs from a live USB and leaves no trace on the hard drive, so I can use it to access Google Docs and have secure conversations. There is a similar OS that is meant to be installed to hard drive. Can't remember the name at the moment. I want it on my other partition, but I'm afraid I'll install to the wrong partition again and overwrite Debian.
 
I'm going back to a highish carb diet. I don't feel satisfied eating all these damned legumes, and that just makes me eat more than I would otherwise. And cooking potfuls of beans and lentils is a pain in the ass anyhow. I miss the ease of putting a yam or baked potato in the oven. I'll eat tofu for protein, and I don't think I need 80-90 g of protein per day anyhow.

I've been reading a lesbian novel I bought before the fire. It's called We Too Are Drifting, and damn, is that title ever accurate. Very dry book, not much happening, and what is happening is only palely illustrated by the characters actions. Their actions: so much talking without saying anything and sitting around not doing anything, gives it a very bourgeosie flavor.

The protagonist, Jan, seems to have a lover she doesn't much care about and is just passively going along with the relationship. Jaded and can't focus on her art. 84 pages in, Jan has had tea with someone she is interested in and is still not being forthright with the lover. Lots of ambiguous looks and lighting cigarettes and sipping brandy throughout the story. Who are these people who drink hard alcohol every day.
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