improperlyhuman: (Default)
Because I'm now using my music stand to hold clarinet music, my laptop, which used to rest on the former, is now sitting on the floor. And I sit on the floor to use the laptop. This has been causing pain in my right arm. Yet I continue to spend tons of time using the laptop. I need to pay more attention to health stuff.

I really get caught up in doing things with the computer. I spent hours in the trenches yesterday trying to get my user stylesheet to work on Amazon. And I was content to spend that time. Since I happily spend so much time on stuff like this (yet don't much care for editing), maybe I should just bite the bullet and learn some type of development. I don't want to have to worry about keeping up with new technologies, but that's probably less painful than what I do now. I often find learning syntax details tedious, but it's probably less tedious than paying attention to the details of copyediting and managing client's who need editorial services. I imagine that job requirements must be less ambiguous as well. 

I don't think I'd like web development, though. Maybe server-side stuff only. Shit, I don't know. I just don't want to work. Not on others' terms. Getting paid for the hours I spent learning and testing CSS yesterday would be a perfect setup. If I could focus on just doing CSS stylesheets or just HTML for clients, I'd be ok with that. Web developers have to know too many different things. I'm motivated on the job and in classes, but I'd have to learn this stuff on my own to even get a job, and I'm much less motivated to do that.

I think I could make a good hardware programmer, but I'd need access to hardware and I can't afford that.

Tech careers really aren't for lazy people. Stuff changes too much and too often. I'm having a tough time finding a suitable career. Technical Writer would be good for me except it too often requires  communication with SMEs. I could maybe hack it if the communication was 100% text-based. But of course it isn't. Ever. People take the glorious text-based nature of the Internet and destroy it. They want you to Skype with half the people in their company.

I ate a ton today. It was that weird hunger without hunger pangs; the hunger that signifies lack of nutrients rather than lack of calories. I think I need to increase my protein intake. Again. I thought I could get away with a low-protein diet by focusing on cycling (cardio), but apparently not.

I have more emotions now and I'm not sure whether it's normal.

So I was awarded that contract I posted about yesterday and proceeded to spend the whole day procrastinating. I tried starting tonight but the files are like user guide pages, and I don't have it in me to edit stuff that isn't even in complete sentences. Fortunately, I know my work style well enough to suggest padded turnarounds to my clients. The files make up less than a thousand words altogether, but I said it'd be done in two days, so I have all of tomorrow and the morning of the next day.
improperlyhuman: truck tipping over on the highway (tipping truck)
I started to buy a book-based anxiety self-treatment course this evening, but it's based on CBT, which, I learned, is about treating symptoms and not their causes. That seems to be the exact opposite of what I need. Neurotic anxiety is different than non-neurotic anxiety; it is not based on unrealistic fears so much as it is based on the inability to reconcile competing drives.

I kept quite busy today (with things I wanted to do and was quite engaged with), but still found myself being interrupted by anxious thoughts and a few intrusive thoughts. I suppose keeping busy isn't enough even short-term.

A client I've worked with two or three times contacted me about a small job yesterday and I groaned from the core of my being once I saw the message. I procrastinated for hours before even fully reading the message. I act as if new work projects are cages; I'm loathe to enter them. The feeling of responsibility weighs on me excessively, particularly given how little I work. It's type 5 shit. Postponement of action, and, in particular, avarice with my inner resources. Work can deplete just like any other activity. I've built up a good reputation, and even that weighs on me; I'm obliged to continually live up to that reputation if I want to continue to earn money.

This is part of the reason why I think about having a very simple, low-responsibility job like stocker. The huge pay cut would be cushioned by my needing so little money (and getting more regular hours), and the ability to coast through work without putting much thought into what I'm doing would decrease my occupational stress significantly. Part of my stress owing to not really being a professional, however, this certificate program should help calm me. On the other hand, the actual work is the easier part, and I'm least skilled in client management.

Anyways, I just keep working. I may sometimes take a few hours more than I need to respond to clients, but I eventually respond (although there was one time I played sick and the client just gave up). I do the things that make me anxious, but the anxiety doesn't let up. This is another reason why I suspect that mainstream approaches to anxiety management won't help me much.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I am a copyeditor. I can clearly see that I chose the most appropriate editing specialty: I don't have quite the attention to detail required for proofreading, and substantive editing is exhausting. I know it's exhausting because I end up having to do it with every one of my clients.

The endless awkwardly and ambiguously phrased sentences! My goodness. I find myself sinking so deeply into the morass of bad English that I temporarily forget proper usage. Copyeditors are supposed to focus on details like punctuation and proper usage, not re-writing whole sentences. The cherry on top is the balance between re-writing and maintaining the author's writing style. 

And the cherry on top of that cherry is that I'm being underpaid. My rate is for copyediting; substantive editing commands a higher rate. I don't want to rock the boat by asking my client to increase my rate, however. I need to get into the habit of reviewing documents more closely before I take jobs. That way, I can tell whether substantive editing will be necessary.

So editing this 7,000 word document is taking an inordinate amount of time (normally I'd finish this within two days). I simply don't have the cognitive energy to re-word much IT content each day, and that has nothing to do with my ongoing fatigue problem. Oh well. I'm making hundreds of dollars on this contract, the second most lucrative I've ever had.

I received my new back brush yesterday and used it for the first time today! It's a sturdy, one-piece affair with satisfiably firm bristles. I scrubbed for a long time but the center of my back was still dirty after I got out of the shower. I guess scrubbing away weeks' worth of grime takes time.

I'm frustrated and worried about my lack of housing options. I re-considered moving back to Santa Cruz county, but I doubt I can bear the logistics. The local VA must have room for me in their program, and I'd have to find someone willing to rent to me before I transferred the voucher, without the assistance of the housing coordinator because she doesn't work with that county. So I'd probably have to travel all the way to Santa Cruz county at least once and stay at least one day because it's too far away/public transportation is too disjointed for me to make the last trip back into town.

The small towns in that county are wealthy and snow white and I have zero confidence that I'd manage to convince anyone to rent to me. I don't want to live in the city of Santa Cruz because the crime rate is too high.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Felt like I worked my ass off today, but I only worked for 5 hours. Hmm.

I'm working on a huge and slightly disorganized project, so I'm getting lots of hours. And I started another contract today! Doing equations and tables and stuff in Markdown. And I got hired at my new hourly rate, which is five dollars more than my previous rate.

I didn't expect to hear back from that person on OkCupid. She says she is a lesbian and a vegan...yet her profile says "queer," not "lesbian." What's going on? I'm gonna ask her tomorrow. Now that I am earning some money, I actually will be able to meet up with her.

I felt like I had no time for myself today, so I don't want to go to be. Yet I'm tired and need the sleep.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Chores and things starting to pile up again. Trying to exercise again messed me up for two days, then I stayed up until AM last night, thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I followed a more natural schedule. WRONG. I still woke up relatively early and was tired again today.

I signed up on a new freelancing platform, which is a pain in the ass, put I put some effort into it. Then I took a look at the job list and found that there were no jobs! I found about four jobs in the editing category, ranging from 3 months to 2 or 3 years old. All that work for nothing it seems. 

I found a university that explicitly directed freelance editors to contact them about listing on the website. I checked the list of editors and found that nearly all had advanced degrees in English or a related discipline. Not to mention way more editing experience than I have. Who in her right mind would choose me from this list? Pointless to even bother.

I emailed my housing representative about the landlord's failure to install a heater. No response. She's probably on another one of her monthly vacations or something.

I've got $256 coming in from my last job. I need to get my shit together and seize the opportunity to move away. A truck will cost me about $100.

Oooohhhh. I just found multiple 2-bedroom units available in my 2nd preferred town. Shit, it's in the next county so I'll have to get my housing voucher transferred. Crap, the only contact info is a phone number.

So exciting yet I'm already feeling down about not getting this. :*( It's so goddamned hard without a car, with Section 8, with no money, without being able to make a good impression on landlords. I don't like asking my vet social worker to help me but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity by trying to do things myself like I did last time.

I have to get the rugs steam cleaned when I move out of here. I can't afford that.

More ambivalent feelings about socializing. Someone who could have been a good match contacted me and we had some good conversations. I guess my profile screamed neurodivergent, which is what she was looking for. But I think she wasn't a vegan. Or a lesbian. And I couldn't afford to meet her in fleshspace even for friendship. So that was the end of that. I hardly even cared.

I thought that I should maybe deactivate my profile. Again lol. Don't want to waste people's time if I can't meet them and don't even care.

But the seeming lack of caring must just accustomed to the way things are now: used to being alone and seeing socializing as not worth the trouble. But that attitude can change in the right circumstances. As frightening as it would be, I can feel more socially motivated. That's what I'm telling myself anyhow.

My book on inferior functions arrived yesterday. It's a bit wordy in the self-help genre way, but I'm enjoying it. I hope to get more insight into my inferior function so that whatever is happening with me won't feel so painful and awkward. I keep telling myself that it's ok to feel certain ways, but that isn't working; I still feel awful and not myself.

I should be going to bed.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Only a little, however. I will stick to walking for a while.

I left my ex-shrink a voicemail six days ago, and she called me about it today, an hour before our old appointment time. I bet she just today listened to the voicemail, probably just before the appointed time. Every time I showed up, she was fiddling with her smart phone and seemingly not quite ready to start the session.

Today I received an email verifying my enrollment in the editing certificate program. Now I need to figure out how I'll afford books. I should have taken care of this months ago, but I procrastinated because I felt bad asking DOR for yet more financial assistance.

I was reading through a job post today when I thought of another thing I should be doing with clients, and I had another of those Completely Overwhelmed moments I sometimes (too often) have with respect to my career. I ended up looking into QA testing again (on It seems this would not be a good career choice because I would have to keep up with new coding shit. I've only heard about developers having to keep up with new languages and frameworks, and that was enough to make me feel tired.

I have been trying to figure out how to contact university presses and offer my editorial services. Such a (seemingly) simple task that has gone so long undone. I hardly have anything to recommend me, however, so I don't see myself getting hired.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I made about $260 dollars yesterday and gave myself a mild headache (or, rather, staring at MS Word did) editing a research proposal for nearly 10 hours. I treated myself to some books to celebrate.

My goddamned Word Add-In left a shitload of highlighted words in the client's document. It looked chaotic. I thought the highlighting was supposed to be visible only while checking the document, not an actual change in formatting. I somehow didn't notice and returned the document to the client, who was confused. I tried to fix the document, but Word kept crashing, then I started to panic because I didn't want to make a poor showing for someone who was paying me so much, but the client said she could fix the colors herself. Whew.

She wouldn't allow me to use her paper in my portfolio, however. I wonder what the hell kind of confidentiality concerns a person could have about a damned social sciences research proposal.

My backbrush has been broken for weeks, and my back is getting filthy. I've been wanting to order a new brush from the same German company that manufactured my scrub brush and toilet bowl brush, but it costs over twenty dollars, twenty-six with shipping and handling. I only had $100 in checking. Thanks to this job, however, I'll be able to afford it. I'm happy.

The research described in the proposal was in part about decreasing racial discrimination against minorities on online freelancer platforms. Surprise! I was like, hey, this group of research subjects sounds familiar...

Then I read that some of the solutions considered involved somehow increasing the hire rate for racial minorities (not just stopping racial discrimination), and I wondered whether the client had hired me because of this.

When I submitted a proposal for this job, the rate tip feature suggested that I bid about $3.14 more than my usual hourly rate. I took a chance and did just that, so I earned my highest ever hourly rate on this job. I was surprised that I got hired (most clients don't even respond to my proposals, and my hourly rate is not low). These events made me wonder all the more whether I was an AA hire.

I don't think AA hiring is bad; it just makes me feel strange to be given opportunities that way.

I've found that the way to sleep restfully through the night is to take two sleeping pills. No fatigue or brain fog whatsoever today, despite my having stayed up until two A.M. working last night. I couldn't have gotten more than seven hours of sleep.

I do feel that my energy balance is still a bit delicate, so I'm taking it easy with chores. I'm hoping to ease back into exercising, starting with walking. I think I'll cancel my doctor's appointment.

One of the books I ordered is about managing "shadow functions," aka inferior functions (in Myers-Briggs terms). As I detailed in a recent post about my feelings about unity amongst people, my Fe seems to be making herself known, and I need to do something about it to manage the unpleasant emotions that are being stirred up.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Given the time I wake up every morning, I should be going to bed right now, but I'm not really sleepy. One of my sleeping pills would make me sleepier, but not necessarily allow me to sleep. If I took one, I could end up lying on my sleeping pad, too sleepy to get up and do anything and too not sleepy to fall asleep. That is a terrible state to be in.

This afternoon I left a voicemail for the shrink and terminated therapy. I just woke up this morning tired of the bullshit and wanting to spend my time on more productive things.

The shitty voc rehab counselor still won't respond to me about paying my legal fees so that I can get a lawyer to finalize my editorial contract. She sent me an email that didn't address my question. I've had to contact her supervisor before for her lack of response.

According to...I guess established sleep hygiene knowledge, I shouldn't be here using a screen so late, but I tried getting away from screens before and it made no difference.

Ok, I just took a pill. I'll keep trying this way for a while.

I listened to some music today, more than I've listened to in a long time. A bit of Queen, but mostly Snake River Conspiracy. I have a song playing over and over again in my head, and, far worse, a diffuse sad/nostalgic emotion that one of the other tracks from the album gave me.

I finally decided to an re-created a LinkedIn account today. I'd been worried about how my lack of network would impress potential clients. The creepiest thing ever: on the suggested connections page was...shit what's her name? Starts with an "a." My ex.

Like how the hell did they know that we knew one another? I think I listed her as a reference, but never online, just on paper.

I guess I'll go read a bit of philosophy of science before bed. I have such huge appreciation for being able to read and other stuff I can do now that my fatigue isn't so intense. I have a new zest for life, and I've been motivated to work on stuff I'd put off for a long time.

I Had To

Jun. 26th, 2017 11:11 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Surprise, surprise. Tired again today, albeit not as badly as before; no doubt I will feel as badly as before if I continue to lift without changing anything.

My knees and elbows hurt; they normally don't hurt after lifting. I therefore considered that something is wrong with my bones. I track everything I eat on, and I've noticed that I'm consistently consuming 40% or less of the RDA of calcium, so I'm going to try increasing my calcium intake.

I got some calcium-fortified Donald Duck orange juice at the grocery store today. My food cost about a dollar fifty more than what I have left on my EBT card. I felt uncomfortable asking to pay part of the total with food stamps and part debit, and I felt uncomfortable asking to have items removed from my total, so I paid all fifteen dollars, fifteen dollars I could not at all afford, with my debit card. And felt bad afterwards. Now I have about thirty dollars in my checking account.

I just had to have those damned Nutty Nuggets. They were on sale and they still put me over my limit. Actually, I underestimated the cost of all the broccoli heads I bought; that's what cost more than expected. Before I approached the cashier, I considered putting some of them back, but I felt uncomfortable doing that as well. Who would want broccoli that someone else has not only handled but put into a used bag? It seemed inconsiderate to other shoppers.

My financial situation is so dire and work is so scarce that I finally gave in and asked my vocational rehab counselor whether the organization can pay the legal fees I will incur if I secure legal assistance to create my editorial contract.

I have avoided asking this for months. VocRehab has given me so much that I feel bad asking for more, especially for something so expensive (although I would feel kind of weird asking for something cheap), but I don't have much of a choice at this point. I need to branch out and seek my own clients, and I don't want to ruin that début by seeming unprofessional (as I fear I would were I to seek clients with no professionally created contract).

If my counselor says no, and I can't secure more work through the avenue I've been using, I guess I will strike out on my own with a non-professionally created contract.

I signed and returned the freelance contract for the editing outfit to which I was accepted, but their working terms are unacceptable to me and I hope to work with them as little as possible. After editors sign in and list themselves as available on the website, we are obliged to accept the work of anyone who selects us. I've become accustomed to vetting my clients, and I strongly prefer to continue doing so. I've also become accustomed to most potential clients being poor working partners, and I've no doubt that trend will continue, if not worsen, given that I expect mostly students to utilize this editorial service.

I had another misunderstanding with someone online yesterday and I felt so bad after reading her final comment today. At least I didn't feel angry, though! Remember that?! That shit was terrible. The sadness and hopelessness is more profound but less intense.

I considered that I only ever try to relate to people verbally, and it isn't working out so well, so I feel as if I have no means of connection. It seems to me that other people have some secret way to connect that I don't have or don't care to use. So many things people post are mean, wrong, ambiguous, or senseless (and that's when they are actually saying something substantial; I've hardly ever heard anyone say anything substantial outside of a classroom. The plug and socket may not match up online, but one or the other is outright absent IRL.), yet the bulk of them still make social connections (some online!), based on what, I don't know.

I have noticed that I focus a lot on the precise meaning of words, sometimes interpret things literally, and can't parse phrases like "deeper meaning" and "higher purpose." To me they just seem like meaningless New Age-speak, but perhaps the meaning is something that must be understood intuitively? Does that even makes sense? Anyways, while I'm stuck trying to figure out what the post even means, other people are responding in depth. How do you know what she's talking about? I wonder. Are they assuming or do they perceive something that I don't perceive?

I guess I will tell the shrink. That's what shrinks are for.

I don't know whether I should try lifting tomorrow or wait...until the orange juice has a chance to work its magic.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
I feel quite good today. I'm giving myself time to rest rather than jumping back into my exercise routine or chores as soon as I start to feel better. Perhaps I will take another week off. I have stopped drinking caffeine; I suspect it's responsible for my water retention (and misshapen ankles). I still have most of my same old problems today, but I feel at peace because I'm so relieved to not have brain fog.

I revised the single punctuation error I committed on my editing test and was accepted as a contractor. The pay rates are low (and more abysmal with increasing word count), but I can mitigate against that somewhat by completing rush jobs only. I am trying to keep in mind that I only need to save up a bit to move away; then I can pursue traditional employment (I hope).

I'm kind of dying for something to read here. I don't feel like going through my volumes on classic sci-fi or old school lesbian/"variant" lit to  choose my next novel. I want to read Gifts Differing to understand the Myers-Briggs typology better, but the shitty library doesn't own a copy and I can't really afford the four dollars an ebay copy will cost me. Hell, maybe I'll just buy it anyways. I always blow a few dollars here and there when I'm crazy broke and things always work out in the end anyways.

The local book store will be closed for another two weeks. I have Treasure Island and a couple of volumes of gothic fiction. I have (what I think is) the latest of Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles, but I've grown rather tired of Lestat, all the vampiric drama, and the huge cast of characters.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I didn't really feel fatigued today, but I did feel a bit weak when I was lifting. Then it hit me: what if I made those spectacular gains (squatting up to 140, rowing 65, deadlifting 165) not because the caffeine restored my strength, but because of the caffeine itself? What if it acted as a performance enhancing drug, and that's why I can't lift as much even though my fatigue is mostly gone? Hmm.

I am so freakin understimulated.

99% match in my visitors list on okc. Asexual, agender, and non-binary. And in Germany. All my best matches are in freakin Europe!

Shit. I can't pay my energy bill.

I got a response from the editing outfit I applied to. My editing sample was rejected because of one punctuation mistake. This does not bode well. I'm an editor, not a proofreader. If they are expecting perfection, that's gonna be a problem.

I don't wanna go to bed. I never want to go to bed. Another exciting thing that happened day before yesterday was that my book Working the Organizing Experience arrived. I've wanted this book for at least a year. It's about a therapeutic intervention for "autistic," "psychotic," and "schizoid" states and posits a failure to bond in infancy as the cause of these states. Me being a diagnosed schizoid, I wanted to see what it was about. I was somewhat disappointed to see that it's of a psychoanalytic bent. And the writing is not good, like verbose ivory tower not good.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Such an exciting day today. I got another good work prospect. The client sent me a grammar quiz created in Google Forms, but I wasn't able to fill it out because Google wanted me to sign in. I don't have an account.

So I tried to create a Google account as safely and anonymously as possible, but I found out that Google accounts must be verified. No way in hell I'm giving Google my phone number. I spent a lot of time looking for workarounds, then I finally just typed my quiz answers into a text document, and it seems that the client accepted that.

I was quite excited to get email notification that someone had messaged me and expressed interest on one of my dating sites (one of the good ones). And a vegan! And one who didn't appear to be dolled up in femininity at first glance. I was over the moon.

Then I looked at her picture and freaked out. She looks a lot like the caretaker at the womyn's land I visited last summer. She lives in the same state! Has similar physical stats and the same shortish brown wavy hair.

I had to step away from the computer for a bit. The womon I met has (or had?) a girlfriend and my phone number, or she did at some point at least. Her contacting me on a dating site would just be too creepy. And neither of us have paid accounts; she sent me one of those pre-composed icebreaker thingies, so she couldn't say anything specific.

But it's been so long since I saw this womon, and I pay so little attention to faces, and Europeople look so much alike to me that I couldn't be sure that she was the person. I finally calmed down, came back to the computer, and took a closer look at the photo (I'm always hesitant to look too closely at photos on dating sites). I'm 80% sure she's not the same person I met on womyn's land.

I also finally read the profile. A pantheist, eh. I prefer non-religious lesbians but I looked it up. That veganism is everything to me. I also found a way to contact her off-site! So I sent her an email.

As religions go, pantheism seems not crazy, even tolerable. This is my resource:

Actually, I'm not sure it even counts as a religion. Well, I haven't finished reading the article and I'm sleepy now, so I'll go into my thoughts about it tomorrow.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
I'm almost back to normal! I did exercise today, but still no incapacitating fatigue. I began to get a bit tired in the early evening, but I didn't feel nearly as bad as I've been feeling.

It feels so good to be able to do things, to think, again, that I've been content these past few days to do household chores even! Normally I can't be bothered regardless of how good I feel. To be able to go about, to achieve things, to experience being alive while clear-headed, is wondrous.

I do feel like something of a dumbass, albeit somewhat tentatively. Since this came about without any medical treatment, the most likely cause is Vitamin D3 deficiency. A simple thing to solve, something I should have solved when my primary care doctor first told me to increase my dosage. Alas, I've apparently had to increase it by 4 times as much as what the doc advised. I've been taking 500% RDA since I saw the rheumatologist.

Someone contacted me on OkC to rant about queer politics XD. I don't at all mind being a magnet to such people.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm excited to start living again. I applied to another online editing outfit that pays pennies. Having earned a decent wage so often now has spoiled me somewhat; I'm terribly hesitant to offer my services for the low prices such businesses offer and resentful that I have to resort to them. I am, however, in an extended dry spell, so I may as well spend part of it earning a little money (and experience) rather than spending all of it earning no money at all. I just need to save up a bit so that I can move away. I've less than a hundred dollars to my name at the moment.

My diet, my decreased reps, or both seem to have worked; my jeans aren't as tight as they were. Still, my ass and thighs are bigger than I would like them to be.

OkC users have to pay to search by dietary preference, and my A-List subscription expired, so finding a date isn't going well and will take a lot of work (combing profiles).

Ok, well. Just found me a demisexual. Gotta go look that up now.

Demisexuals may or may not be interested in sex. Wow, that's helpful. I wouldn't bother with this shit if it weren't so hard to find me a vegan. I don't understand the need for a whole category for people who only feel sexual attraction in the context of an emotional bond. That doesn't seem uncommon. Anyways, this user isn't into hippies, so I guess I'll pass. I'm a hippie according to my idea of a hippie, but I've no idea what she thinks a hippie is. Useless profile information.

Next user has herself listed as both lesbian and bisexual. And gay!

So I'm having to choose people to click on based on pics (which I loathe doing) and match %. I'm just picking anyone who doesn't look gender-conforming.

Shit. Found one but she's in France.

This blog substitutes somewhat for talking to people. Sometimes I never want the post to end. But I'm trying to waste less time.

improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
Once again I spent half the day emotionally paralyzed because of therapy. I could barely talk while I was there, kept breaking up. Something keeps telling me to stop talking, stop going, stop seeking help from others, and I end up fighting it instead of being 100% engaged while I'm there.

The therapist doesn't say much so I made myself talk, however haltingly. On the first or second visit, I mentioned that my dad had criticized me sometimes, and today she said that she wanted to talk about that next time. These damned therapists always want to pin everything on a person's childhood. I am not gonna let that happen to me again. My dad didn't criticize me that often and I didn't really take the criticism to heart, so I don't think it had a terribly strong effect on me, but of course there's no way to communicate that experience to her. 

Anyways, I decided to explore on my own whether I'm still suffering significantly from my dysfunctional childhood. I got a book about it from the library. The book says to look for traits in myself that I may have gotten from my parents, but I'm wildly different than they are. Whatever is going on with me, being like mom or dad isn't it.

I'm observing myself very anxious and freaking out about the therapist assuming something about me or misinterpreting something I say. I guess I will just tell her next time.I got the appointment moved to Wednesdays so that the all-day upsetfest doesn't interfere with lifting.

After I told the therapist that I didn't want to get to know a bunch of random people, it occurred to me that there is kind of a desperate quality to my social ambitions. I suppose that with no solid base of social support (friends/family), my priority must be to get some: an intimate relationship. I have known for some time that I might become more interested in friends after I had that primary relationship, but never thought much on why aside from my lifelong social disinterest and low social energy. Maybe I just don't want to waste time with friends because I know that that sort of relationship won't address what's missing.

During my walk this evening I started to wonder if I should go along with the therapist's plan to talk about my dad's criticism. I would have to tell her that I've reconsidered. Doing that really bothers me but I don't know why. Although I became very upset when she said that I looked depressed during our first visit, I reconsidered and decided that I I may have some sub-clinical depression. I thought that I should tell her that, but the prospect of doing so bothered me, and I don't know why.

I felt a bit less fatigued today.

I don't know if I have it in me to shoulder all this. I'm just tired of living improperlyhuman's life.

And I DO NOT want to be an editor.

I read something from another person who is Type 5. She said that it's important for Type 5s confidence and feelings of mastery to have jobs with clearcut...something, I can't remember. Well, editing isn't clearcut, like I've complained about before. Reading this was just more evidence that I should abandon ship.

I don't know if I should go through with the certificate anyways though. I don't know what to do. Good thing I haven't submitted the enrollment form yet. I guess I should first explore alternative careers. I'm gonna feel like an idiot if I decide to ask my voc rehab counselor to change my employment plan.
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
This body is so awesome. I LOVE it. I couldn't stay away from the mirror today. Prancing around the house in my goddamned underwear and the knee socks I wear on deadlift days. My one-womon vanity parade.

It's getting hot here. The apartment holds in the heat like I never would have imagined given that I nearly froze to death over the winter.

No word from the landlord about the heater he's supposed to install. I'm kind of afraid to tell the housing authority. What if I have to move out because they have rules against paying rent for an apartment that doesn't pass inspection?

I finally took a look at the employment plan my voc rehab counselor emailed me. Started crying. Not because of the plan so much as because I don't want to have to make this decision (and just generally being overwhelmed with everything going on in my life). Not right now, not without more information.

Maybe I should have asked to be trained for a different career, but that would just take more time. Editing is really the only professional skill I have. May as well stick with it. But even with a certificate from a prestigious university, I'm still going to struggle to get work. I'm still going to be wicked poor. Editing itself is...meh. It's ok. All the other things that must happen to maintain a career are the problem. I guess I'll just take the course and simultaneously keep my eye out for something more suitable.

I texted my sister. She responded without saying anything dire, so I guess she's ok. I don't know if she's housed, however. I decided to keep my message brief in case she's still upset with me.

Insects creep me the hell out. I just put one outside that had a gazillion legs. I hope this town isn't the sort of place on which a plague of insects descends in the summertime.

I was looking through my old entries today when I found a resolution to remind myself each morning to not worry about what other people think of me. Gotta stick to that.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
6 billion years after I asked for educational assistance, my voc rehab counselor finally sent my employment plan. Now all I have to do (I think) to start receiving services is sign it.

I'm now hesitant to go through with this editing certificate because I can't see myself selling my editing services for the rest of my career, and I don't want to waste the money on the course. The more time goes by, the simpler the job I want so that I can focus on other aspects of life and avoid stress.

I walked again this evening, for about one and three fourths of an hour. I feel sore and exhausted, and I don't understand why. It's just walking. Not even my weightlifting workouts leave me feeling this beat up. My back's been hurting at the end of the walks too! Such bullshit.

I scored a full-length mirror for three dollars at a yard sale this morning. All the better to support my vanity.

I need to figure out where I can dump my one bag of trash each month so that I can cancel my garbage service.

I'm having red lentils as if it were hot cereal, sweet with my homemade applesauce and a bit of extra cinnamon. It's not tasty/sweet enough to totally mask the bean flavor.


Apr. 15th, 2017 09:28 pm
improperlyhuman: (not queer)
Well I ate as much as I wanted today and it still only came out to like 1150 calories. I actually stronger hunger pangs today than I've felt on fewer calories, like my metabolism had ramped up, but I still didn't want to eat more. Not being in the mindset of a restrictive diet is a positive change for me, so positive that I'm still at a caloric deficit without trying to be.

Spent half the day trying to get my new earbud/microphone headset to work with my desktop so that I can work as a website tester. I maxed out the volume controls, but it still records too low. I had to yell into the microphone to record anything loud enough to hear. It works fine with my laptop.

I've decided to add yoga, pilates, or both to my fitness regimen. I need something low intensity to burn fat, or so that's what people say. Don't want to tire myself out and expect to make good gainz next week with weight training.

Besides user testing, I also tried some of that online survey shite to earn money. It's not gonna work. I don't even qualify for many of the surveys, and I'm very uncomfortable with all the information I have to give out in the surveys because my consumption habits can be tied to the personal information I had to provide to get paid.

I keep putting out bids for editing work, but no one is biting. Trying to sell myself is SUCH a chore, so unnatural. So on Monday I'm going to contact my social worker and tell her that I'll be running out of money soon. Then I'll contact my vocational rehab counselor and ask for some other employment service, I don't know what. I just filled out the paperwork to re-open my case; as far as she knows, I just want help paying for an editing certificate, but that goal is receding further and further from my mind as more immediate financial concerns elbow their way to the front.

I'm EPICALLY bored ALWAYS and need to find someone to talk to.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Ladies don't wanna be my friend? :( Mostly guys send me friend requests. Dude has now sent me a second friend request; I denied the first, lol.

I feel so accomplished when I do my laundry in the bathtub.

My latest client who was supposed to be long-term suddenly ended our contract without warning today, so that potential income source has dried up.

One of the toughest things about this editing biz is clueless clients. People don't know what sort of editor they need; some are looking for an editor despite needing a writer. To score work, work that I can actually do, I have to take responsibility for educating them about the different types of editing. I've explained some of that in my profile, but apparently they don't read it.

I finally cracked open my expensive volume on early science fiction. I got all excited, then I tried to look online for some of the works that sounded interesting. Then hair-ripping-out frustration ensued because they are old and rare and of course I couldn't find most of them.

Did I mention the company that offered to hire me at $5-$13 per 1000 words? I earn 2+ times the upper end of that scale right now. I told the rep that her rates were obscenely low. That felt good. Just reading 1000 words is more than five dollars' worth of work. Then there was the company that was offering thirty-five cents per page. I bid at my regular rate and even explained that they couldn't get quality work for so little, yet the rep still tried to hire me at that rate. Morons don't read my profile, don't read my proposal, what can I do?

Now that I have a Windows machine, I'm going to re-contact that company that connects disabled workers with work-from-home jobs. I'm not sure how much that'll help me though because most of the work they manage is phone-based.

So I don't want to deny this friend request again. I want to ignore it. Yet every time I visit the site, I see the notification there at the top of the screen. Maybe if I turn notifications off...

improperlyhuman: (Default)
I have almost zero ability to concentrate on anything. So I tried out a lesbian chat room today. Someone was asking me interesting questions, then a shitload of people joined within seconds of each other and drowned out our conversation with flirting and talk about some TV show. It was boring and I couldn't keep up with the rapid-fire responses anyhow, so I left. This is what chat rooms are like for me know. I coulda swore I used to be able to keep up.

I got a call about an open apartment in my old town, but the manager said that the place would be free in about a week and they wanted someone to move in immediately. Which I wouldn't be able to do, thanks to all the red tape surrounding my housing voucher. Dammit.

Then again, it's one of those huge complexes with big ugly iron gates around it. I hate those goddamned places. Renting a moving truck would cost me nearly half the money I have in my checking account. Huge goddamned mess I'm in. Poverty.

I wonder if vocational rehab would, instead of paying for my editing certificate, pay for me to see a lawyer so that I could get an editing contract written up. Then I could seek my own clients.

I'm starting to get desperate and I'm asking myself if I can manage a job as a cashier given my wonky auditory processing. I'm no longer so opposed to being employed. Getting out of the apartment and into the world would be good for me. A few hours per week would be fine and would cover my expenses.

Yes, I'm ready! I no longer hate people so much that I feel unable to bear being around them. Deep down I knew that I'd have to fix/wait out my own emotional problems. That's how it's always been. Never really been able to get any solid solutions or even consolation from other people except in the most cut-and-dried practical situations. When I was a kid, telling other people that I felt bad didn't even occur to me.

And since I can no longer keep myself occupied, I want to dive into the world and hope that I find someone interesting to talk to. Trying not to get my hopes up and not worry about being seen as weird and just go along for the journey.

In the meantime, I'm trying to appreciate what I have: A roof over my head. I used to think about what it was like to be stuck out in the cold a lot more. I didn't want to ever forget that. Now that there's more distance between me and the situation, I can't stomach those memories quite so much. It's not just the distance, it's the fact that I wouldn't be able to psychologically manage a second bout of homelessness well. Last summer in the shelter was really a different animal than a tent on the outskirts of town in winter.

I miss being a musician so bad it hurts :(

I've been telling myself that I'll never get a girlfriend if I don't stop being a slob, but the reality of that happening is just too remote to motivate me much, especially with the fatigue. And the lack of supplies! I'm adamant about not buying plastic brushes and a mop and stuff, but I can't afford to order any wooden
cleaning items right now. Everything is in limbo and riding it out is making me restless. Tryna picture RIPPED abs to motivate myself to get on that spinning bike and work off this fat. The struggle is real.
improperlyhuman: (Default)
Clueless clients and their ridiculous expectations. I would be making good money if

ok, I just put on Coltrane and it's making me so sad. But still I listen.

I would be making good money if I converted even half the job invitations I get into actual jobs. Worse than the fact that most of them are outside my specialty, the clients to whom I actually respond tend to be looking for the impossible.

Had someone today looking to have his website content "re-written." But there's no content on the website to re-write! I was like, shall I re-write your lorem ipsum? My Latin isn't up to par. So then I ask him what he wants me to write, what the guidelines are, the word count, etc. He tells me to just learn everything I can about his business and links me to a competitor. ??? The web pages he wants written seem to be organized by category, and I'd have to do some serious digging to figure out how to split up "everything" about his business into those categories. And the price he offered. 25 pages re-written plus research: $75. NO.

Later, another non-English speaker who's had his research paper rejected by a journal. No problem, I can edit the horrific English of these people. Again I have to ask for specific guidelines. He sends me a flurry of documents from the journal (apparently having no idea how to make his paper conform to basic, general guidelines and expecting me to do so). Maybe I should change the tables. Improve the citations (how does one improve citations?). Basically make major content decisions that he should make. I'm just a copyeditor, I told him. I edit content; I don't create it.

Another day wasted! I waited too long to have lunch because I wanted to get some spices for my potatoes. Blood sugar dropped. One good thing: I found a vegan snack at the "dollar" store! (These dollar stores that sell a bunch of crap for way more than one dollar keep popping up.) So I ate and ate from that vegan snack. Blood sugar would not rise for hours. I felt horrible because I had a client waiting on me to finish some work, but I didn't want to risk fouling it up through brain fog. Went way the hell over my caloric allotment. Felt down.

I'm gonna get huge if I don't stop eating so damned much. I think I know what the problem is. My hypoglycemia was the easiest to manage when I was eating that high carb diet. Now that I'm eating this high protein diet (hit over 107 grams today, and only 5 of that was from protein powder), that effect is gone. So I'm gonna go back to my high carb diet. I'll just have to eat more carbs to hit my protein requirements. It'll still end up being fewer calories than I've been eating this week.

Another problem I think that I've figured out: Lifting too damned much. I remember that I decided to stop squatting 5 sets of 5 reps before I lost my apartment, but the reason somehow got twisted around in my head as "just being lazy." No, that routine was too taxing. That must be why my joints have been hurting. So I've been lifting 4 sets of 4 these past two or three workouts. And I feel better. I might go down to 4 sets of 3 or even 3 sets of 3, especially as I increase the weight.

I used to think that the sky was the limit, but now I think that maybe I won't be able to squat much more than 100 lbs., not for any significant number of reps, anyhow. Oh well. This routine is probably optimized for guys anyhow. What I really care about is being able to deadlift heavy.

It seems that I can never learn everything I need to know to be the editor I want to be. I sit here and I try to cram these rules into my head, and I doubt that they are sticking. The basic grammar stuff was relatively easy, but this stuff that I hardly ever come across in my work (what little of it that I have), it's hard to hold on to. There's no way I can memorize it all, so I have to get a "feel" for it, but that's difficult because I don't often encounter the applicable situations. And studying this amount of grammar is boring! I'm overwhelmed.

And what else is there to say. I feel more disconnected than ever from other people.
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